Zeddie's head rose from the floor to a very dramatic rendition of his usual jingle. He didn't have to wait this time. Even the survivors that were in the bathroom ran out as soon as they heard it.

  "Gooood morning, shoppers! It is now nine AM, TMT! More importantly, it's the final day! One way or another, in only four hundred and fifty minutes, you will be leaving this tutorial! Now, let's see how you're doing..."

  He summoned the survivor count and beamed. "Now that is what I like to see!"

  "It is?" Lex asked.

  "Of course, valued customer! My goal is to help you all survive, and the best form of help is a job. A whopping eighty-eight customers just left the tutorial for work! Let's all take a moment to congratulate them on living the ZETTAMALL? dream."

  Silence. Zeddie just smiled and nodded at us encouragingly, until we started clapping out of sheer awkwardness. A few damp, sarcastic "woo hoo"s and "yippee"s were sprinkled in our weak applause. Zeddie seemed satisfied anyway.

  "Now that's out of the way, let's get down to important matters." He manifested a pair of aviators. "Like your second bonus!"

  Zeddie's holographic hands produced a rocket launcher and fired it at the ceiling. It exploded into a cluster of keys, which disappeared into our inventories as they rained down on us.

  [ Welcome To The ZETTAMALL?, Part 2

  Survive Day 2 of the tutorial.

  Reward: +1 WARCRIMES Sponsored Upgrade Key ]

  "Use it wisely, because you only have a few hours to prepare," Zeddie said, taking off his shades to reveal a second set of shades. "At exactly noon TMT, the final challenge will arrive!"

  A wireframe map of the mall appeared beside Zeddie, and four blinking red skulls flashed onto it as he talked. "Four bosses will spawn across the mall! Defeat them to earn fabulous prizes—but be warned, for each one is a raid-sized challenge! You'll need to mobilize dozens of parties to take them on!"

  Wireframe monsters appeared around him. It was hard to tell what they were supposed to be, but I could make out the rough shapes of a tree, a winged humanoid, a sphere, and a mallbat.

  "Now, you don't have to if you don't want to," Zeddie continued. "Your true goal is to survive until the end of the tutorial, at exactly 4:30 PM today. Simply be alive at that time, and you'll be safely transported out of this mall! Any questions?"

  Sighs of relief rippled through the audience, mostly from people who'd been hiding in the safe zones this whole time. I raised my hand, because I knew better.

  Zeddie's mouth glitched into a smile. "Yes, valued customer!"

  "Just to be clear, what would happen if we all hid in the safe zones instead of fighting?"

  "Amazing question!" Zeddie said, pointing finger-guns at me. His hands glitched, turned into eyes, and began to sweep the room. "If a boss is not engaged in combat, it will roam the mall in search of customers. If you manage to hide until the end of the tutorial, you'll still win! You'll simply miss out on those incredible rewards."

  Chaz narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "That's not bad..."

  Zeddie brought his hands back so he could snap his fingers. "Oh, and one other thing. For your comfort and convenience, all safe zones will be disabled at noon."

  Shock rippled through the crowd. I just smiled.

  "Yep, there it is."

  The least brave among us began full-blown freakouts. Zeddie smiled and ignored the screaming. "Now, this will be our last chat before the tutorial's end. Any final questions?"

  Chaz put his hand up first. "Can you tell us anything else about these bosses?"

  "They're all types of encounter you've had before. You'll learn more when the fight is about to start."

  Val went next. "What happens to item shops?"

  "They close at noon TMT, so be done with your shopping by then!"

  We waited for more questions, but silence dragged us down. The crowd just wasn't in the mood. A lot of survivors were realising that their plans to hide might have backfired, and their worst fears were about to come true.

  One raised his hand though. "Hi, I'd like to accept that job offer instead?"

  "You snooze, you lose," Zeddie said. "Well, that's enough for now. I'll see you all at the finish line! Well, some of you. Until then... ZETTAMALL?: So Many Stores, So Little Life!"

  Zeddie ascended through the ceiling.

  The stranger looked around in confusion. "So is that a no, or..."

  Panic rippled through the crowd. People were yelling, cursing, crying.

  "That's bullshit, man! It's bullshit! I can't take this!"

  "Shit shit shit...!"

  "You don't understand!"

  Nearby, Harmony sighed, stood on a table to make herself tall enough to address the crowd, and...

  "SKREEEEEEENK!"

  Terrifying Roar rattled my bones and clenched my cheeks, and I'd seen it coming. Everyone else shut up immediately.

  "HEY!" she yelled. "We got this far, we can do this! Stop crying and get moving! If you don't have a party, find one!"

  I stretched. The crowd was her problem now. "She's right. We gotta go."

  "Great!" Kara clapped. "Then come with me! I gotta show you something."

  The food court erupted in a flurry of activity. Survivors left for the item shops, lined up at Sussy's, formed last-minute alliances. Items were being crafted and traded at dizzying speeds.

  We followed Kara into the Burger Haven kitchen, where she found a kettle.

  "Remember when you got that cereal from that fancy crate?" she asked as she filled it. "I opened my own fancy crate and got food, too! I've been saving it since it didn't stack. Lex, could you...?"

  Lex reached into Snakpak and produced a cardboard box full of cup noodles.

  [ EPIC! A carton of .CYBERCULT CD-Ramen (Mallbatz Flavour)! These instant noodles are a staple in any cyber-occultist's pantry. Add sauce, protein, and nootropics to taste, then eat them to gain the [Brain Broth] status for the rest of the day. [Brain Broth] allows you to use your OddBot powers more frequently and gives your items a small chance to glitch out temporarily on use. Serves six.

  CD-Ramen: Send Noodz! ]

  Kara passed cups to Lex and Chaz first. "I was mostly thinking about your shield and your invisibility, but I might be able to make undead fast enough to actually use it."

  Chaz accepted his cup happily. "Oh, I'm into this. Sussy probably doesn't have enough food for everyone, anyway."

  I took my cup. Firing my hand cannon faster would be nice. "Who gets the other two servings?"

  "I was thinking Harmony," Kara said. "She can do more Godzilla stuff."

  "Then Reg would be a good pick too," Chaz said. "His OddBot lets him move his stats around. He can be a brawler, an archer, some other stuff... The cooldown's his main restriction."

  "I'll text them!" Kara filled her cup with water. "And that's all I've got. Anyone else got ideas?"

  "I'm gonna do my crates," I said. "I got some good ones waiting. Dandy had another Super-Size crate on sale."

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  I'd visited the item shops to collect my hacked items before I came here.Dandy had let out a knowing chuckle and said "looking for this?" when I came in. I really hoped I wasn't in trouble with Zeddie.

  "Sounds good," Chaz agreed. "Oh, Manaia could use any Shoplin or Radz crates you've got left. Spare Parts too. He can do some mad stuff with those."

  I opened my system windows.

  [ Funbucks: $1548 ]

  [ Keys: Crate Key x3, Upgrade Key x2 ]

  I set aside the crates Chaz had asked for, plus the Lair, altar fodder, and Death Daddy crates. That left me with:

  [ Furtyv Treasure Crate. Gold Quest Crate. Limited Edition OddBotz Crate. Wizard's Treats Branticore Merch Crate. Wizard's Treats Super-Size Tutorial Crate. ZETTAMALL? Harsh Boss Crate. ]

  Kara filled my noodle cup as I popped them. The Furtyv crate had another sledgehammer. The Quest Crate gave me a coupon I could redeem for a free product from "VentureSoft", who were not selling in this tutorial. The merch crate had a Branticore plush and a t-shirt with a surfing Branticore on it, which was amazing but not useful.

  The other crates had more promising loot. The Wizard's Treats crates dropped a porcelain plate with a medieval-style painting of Khan Zoomer, and a shitty paper crown; the boss crate dispensed a sleeveless shirt with a black camo pattern.

  [ Rare! A Wizard's Treats Princely Plate! Eat a buff meal from this plate to let its effects stack with other buff meals of the same type! Single use only. ]

  [ EPIC! A Wizard's Treats King's Crown! Don this crown and touch another player with a Wizard's Treats OddBot to borrow one of their powers! You may use the power once, and then the crown vanishes. ]

  [ EPIC! A Mister Sportsball KV-2 Battle Tank Top! This comfortable undershirt is as tough as an armoured vest! The armour will degrade with heavy use. ]

  I passed Chaz the plate. "What's the best use for this?"

  "Wait until right before noon, then eat two of the best three-hour meals Sussy has," Chaz said. "Actually, maybe at eleven. You shouldn't do boss fights right after eating."

  "Alright. Those are all my crates, so it's your turn."

  "Oh, I did mine last night," Chaz said. "Opened a ton of OddBotz crates. Most of my loot fit better on other people, but I completed my set. Check these out!"

  He pulled the remaining two Ninja Fruits out of his bag: a bearded apple with star-shaped glasses and a sweet jacket, and a smiling grape with zero other distinguishing features.

  "Meet Ringo Quasar and Johnny Grapes," Chaz said proudly. "Quasar improves my odds of getting Contrasht drops, Grapes increases my Health. And now that I have the set, Yuzumaki's become a Rare bot!"

  "Nice! What does that do?"

  "Nothing right now, but it'll be pretty useful in five levels," Chaz said proudly.

  "Well, congrats." I tasted the noodles. They were beefy, more or less. "How many crates did that take you?"

  "Another dozen. I had to borrow Kara's and Lex's crates. I'm broke, too. Even burned through my cigarette profits."

  I winced. I still didn't like Chaz's scheme, but it was too late to say anything now. "Well, at least you're done..."

  Chaz grinned. "Absolutely not. Now I need all the Glow in the Dark fruits."

  "Lex and I got boss crates from Vaughn too," Kara said, raising her arm to show a high-tech bracelet. "Mine dropped a personal shield."

  "And I got these," Lex said, patting her new Final/Girl leggings. "I get better at dodging the more I'm hurt. I guess the boss crates think we could use protection?"

  "They're not wrong," Chaz said with a mouthful of noodles. "We could use all the help we can get at this point."

  I sighed. "Yeah. Let's go spend what we can after this."

  Chaz swallowed. "I'm in. Are you okay, by the way? This is getting intense..."

  "I'm fine." I grabbed my noodles. "I'm going to Sussy's."

  Sussy kept the line moving quickly, with some help. The few survivors left who still tried pulling some bullshit—waiting until they'd reached the front of the line to browse the menu, demanding a refund after eating their food, claiming that "the octopus who was here yesterday" said they eat for free—were swiftly picked up and tossed out of the store by other survivors.

  I ran into the teens on my way out. The tables near the item distribution point were covered in items now, and the party was browsing a table covered in unsorted scrolls.

  I checked in. "How's it going? You need something?"

  Val turned to greet me. "All good here. We're just trying to pick a scroll. Are you okay?"

  Why were people asking me that? "I'm okay. What's the problem?"

  "Boba Yaga lets me take the magic out of a scroll and put it in some teas," Red reminded me. "We found an X-Change scroll yesterday, but all the good ones are taken..."

  I leaned over the table. The scrolls were mostly junk, going by their names: Crate Monsieur, Create Minor Coupon, Find Store: Tack Shop again, Go To Bed, Greasy Boy, Saucy Puppet Show, Summon Magpies...

  "Any ideas?" Val asked.

  "Kara can turn potions into arrows, if that helps," I shrugged and took Create Minor Coupon I was off to Dandy's next anyway. "And you could use Find Store as an escape spell?"

  Val shook her head. "The damage makes it too risky. It messed up Big Pants bad when it sent him to the shoe shop."

  I paused. "You know where Big Pants went?"

  "Yeah! A bunch of people saw him run out of Roxxor Your Soxxors, screaming about killing you. I heard it was really funny. I don't know why it picked that store..."

  "I get it," Joe signed. "Horse shoe."

  Val frowned. "Boo."

  I wasn't listening. A plan had begun to form.

  "You wanna try something funny?"

  The clock was ticking, so the teens started preparing straight away. I took the others to Dandy's for some last-minute prep.

  "If you need anything else, it's on me. I still have a thousand left."

  "In that case, can I get this?" Chaz held up an RPG book. "It makes me better at swordplay. Only four hundred."

  "Done. Give it here."

  We ended up spending the rest on healing cans. Dandy had a final conversation with me as he rang me up.

  "You okay, pal?"

  "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

  "You're looking a little tense." Dandy shrugged with his leaves. "For what it's worth, I believe in your party. You're wily."

  I tried to relax. I was feeling nervous, I had to admit. Every time I thought I had a handle on things, everything changed. "...Thanks."

  Dandy chuckled and slid a business card across the counter. "In fact, I think you should have this."

  I picked it up. The card itself was black; floating just off the surface was a hologram of Dandy and the words "We Deliver, Pal!".

  "When you get outta here, that card'll lead you to my main store," Dandy said. "The selection's much better, especially for starting adventurers. I'll make it worth your while."

  "Thanks, man." I added it to my wallet. "I realise this is a long shot, but got any tips for the bosses?"

  "Even if I did, you really wanna keep pushing your luck?"

  "Good point. Thanks anyway."

  Time passed in a blur. People shopped, ate, found things to do, scoped out hiding spots, worried, consoled each other. I helped who I could.

  Around 11AM I downed some megalodon dumplings (+25% bonus HP for three hours) and visited Whovian's. Chaz had cleaned the place up; the debris was swept against the walls, and a floor lamp, TV, and DVD player had been dragged in from an electronics store. Whovian's damaged robotic head had been duct-taped to the neck of a mannequin sitting in a chair.

  "Hello, Will," the head said. "You know, I've been keeping up with pop culture when I can, but I've fallen behind on anime. Did you know they added more Pokemon?"

  I nodded. "It's fucked, yeah. The ones they had when I was twelve were way better."

  "Ah, well. I assume you're here for my game. Are you okay?"

  "Okay, is it something on my face?" Wait, I didn't want to know the answer to that. "Never mind. I'd like to ask about the game, and for completely unrelated reasons, I'd also like to mention that I'm holding this box set of the show you and Chaz were talking about."

  I held out my anime offering. Whovian's eyes glowed.

  "Alright, then. The game I'd like to play is called The Square Hole. In this game you try to find something that will fit inside my chest compartment."

  Whovian's body was stashed behind the counter. It took a few moments to find the recessed handle and get the door open, but the box set fit inside easily.

  The robot's eyes flashed. "Wow! Two for two! Amazing! While you're there, could you play Cassette Two on my torso?"

  The wall hatch opened again. This time, a plastic card popped out.

  "Well, there you go," Whovian said, seemingly distracted by the anime. "I gotta tell you, I don't usually get assigned those. You gonna use it?"

  I stuffed it in my pocket guiltily. "...I don't know."

  "Thought so," Whovian said. "Well, decide soon. Time's running out. But if you want my opinion... don't worry too much, all right? I went through a tutorial just like you, and I survived. Thrived, even! Just look at me now!"

  I did. Stared, even.

  "My current situation is unrelated," the severed robot head said quickly. "What I mean is that I made it to the Zettamall, bought myself a cool sci-fi body, and now I'm a business owner. If I can do it, you can!"

  "Okay, okay," I let it go. "Thanks again. And take care, I guess."

  "Good luck," Whovian called out as I left. "You got this!"

  I stepped outside. I checked the time. I took a deep breath.

  I ran to a nearby rubbish bin and threw up every single megalodon dumpling.

  "GAAAH! Guuh! Hnnngh..."

  I'd managed to keep my mind occupied until now, but it had gotten harder as the end drew closer. Now, with the final test arriving in under an hour, it was all I could think about.

  Worse...

  I slumped against the bin and pulled out the card again.

  [ LEGENDARY! A ZETTAMALL? Premium Pass! Place this card in your mouth to instantly skip the rest of the tutorial, gaining entry to the ZETTAMALL? with your health restored! This ultra-rare pass may only appear once per tutorial. ]

  I felt dirty.

  Whovian had several prize options, and this had been the rarest. I'd added it while Kara was distracted by the view. I hadn't told her about it.

  I felt like a scumbag for even considering it. That I'd wasted my chance to gain an edge in the upcoming battle on this, that even now I wanted to bite down on the pass so bad I could taste it, was simply beyond the pale.

  I knew that if I used it, I would be responsible for every death that followed. There would be nobody else to blame this time. But if I stayed, their lives would be in my hands. Both options seemed unbearable.

  God, I was pathetic.

  Tears welled up in my eyes. "I'm sorry, gramps…"