I sat there and tried to breathe for the next ten minutes.

  I only snapped out of it when an unfamiliar siren that rang through the mall. Messages popped up as I wiped my eyes.

  [ The boss fight chosen for your tutorial is:

  < THUNDERMALL >

  < BOSS RUSH >

  The shoplins have escaped. Now those they left behind must fight for survival. Four BOSSES will appear in different regions of the mall. Each will summon a new wave of enemies every thirty minutes until they are slain. ]

  The mall map appeared again, and the skull icons popped up one by one: one in the west plaza, one in the car park, one on the roof, and one in the east.

  [ EXPIRED: BARON VANCE

  A decadent noble plucked straight from the vampire courts of New Terminak. This tallman failson's hobbies are buying fancy suits, getting into your blood, and calling forth skeletons to do his bidding. He won't just kill you—he'll do it in style. ]

  [ RADZ: THE CRAPWAGON

  The Radz combined stolen military vehicles with a shard of Eythendar to create this engine of destruction. It might not look like much, but this vehicle design has been responsible for the deaths of eight million tallmen. Today, the Radz intend to make that number go up. ]

  [ PORC: MALLBAT PRIME

  After an investigation, the ZETTAMALL? has made the difficult decision to release Porc Warlord Slag Krilge from his role as a boss fight. We do not condone Krilge's radical anti-enterprise views, and we promise that future fights will uphold the ZETTAMALL?'s core values. Here is a mutated mallbat we filled with enough drugs to wipe out a music festival. ]

  [ SPONSORED BOSS: WAR CRADLE

  An old enemy. A thirst for vengeance. The latest in personal mechsuit technology. The battle begins... ]

  Well, shit. Now I knew how Warcrimes planned to kill my party. I'd warn Chaz and Lex, but I had a gut feeling that any indication that I'd seen it coming would be the last mistake I ever made.

  I got to my feet and took one last look at the pass before sticking it in my pocket. I could always help with the other bosses first, then leave without fighting the trap boss. If enough people survived the first three, my party might not have to fight at all. Yeah, that was the smart play. Ethically I'd be in the clear. Probably.

  It's Reggie 11:12 AM

  Hey cuz, you around? We're having a strategy meeting in the top food court.

  You don't need to do much, we just want your opinion.

  WillT 11:12 AM

  Coming!

  A storm was gathering outside. The plazas darkened as heavy clouds blocked the sunlight, and the thunder was audible even in the food court.

  I skated inside to find the others gathered outside Burger Haven. Several tables had been dragged together for this meeting; the rest of my party was here, along with Harmony's, Val's, Cosmo, Raven, a few other people who I hadn't interacted with much but seemed to have a right to be here, and Troy.

  Kara waved as I sat down. "Hey! You ready for the final battle?"

  I answered immediately. "No. Have we got a plan?"

  "More or less," Kara said carefully. "We can't make a perfect plan, but we do have a pretty good strategist... even if he's having issues right now."

  Chaz nodded. "It's Cosmo."

  Cosmo started pouring a cup. "Hey, Will. Juice?"

  "Oh, yes please." Cosmo had been pretty hurt by the loss of his party members, but he seemed to be recovering. That was good news, at least. "What are you thinking?"

  "Here's what I've been thinking." Cosmo spoke carefully, gesturing and looking around the group like someone explaining a board game. "We should split into teams. Each team handles a different boss. We hit them all as fast as possible so they can't keep summoning minions, and we hit them all at the same time so they can't help each other."

  "Not bad," I agreed.

  "The first team is led by Harmony. They want to handle the Expired."

  "We don't have Death Discount, and Manaia made us some anti-Expired tech," Harmony explained to me.

  "The second team is led by Val. They've got the Radz."

  "Rozinante," Val said simply.

  Cosmo gestured to Raven. "Team three is just her. She fights Mallbat Prime."

  "My idea," Raven said. "Let me solo him."

  "Are you seriously as strong as dozens of parties?" Harmony asked in disbelief.

  "Maybe not dozens," Raven admitted, "but Mall Monarch and I can keep him busy, for sure."

  Cosmo continued. "And team four is led by Jordan. He's back now."

  Jordan waved. I hadn't seen him since yesterday morning. He was decked out in FINAL/GIRL gear now, with a tactical skirt and striped, cat-themed stockings.

  "Hey! How's it swinging?"

  "Well, I think," I said. "Good to see you survived."

  "Sure did!" Jordan patted the stockings. "Got a great bot and even better loot. I'm wearing it for the bonuses."

  "..." I briefly considered shaking Jordan until he had an epiphany, but this seemed like a bad time. "Cool."

  Cosmo slid into the final phase. "Everyone who can't fight, like the old people and the kiddies, will wait here. Each other party will take whatever side they think they can handle. That leaves yours."

  He was pointing at me. "My party?"

  "That's what I've been waiting to ask you about," Cosmo said. "Your party has some of our best fighters, so you could be the strike team. You move around to help whoever needs it. Kara also said you and Val had a plan that would work on any boss?"

  "It's mostly his plan," Val said.

  Kara lit up with a smile. "We got everything set up while you were with Whovian!"

  Cosmo nodded. "What do you think?"

  I didn't have to think for long. It was a solid plan for the circumstances, with one minor flaw Cosmo couldn't foresee: I needed to avoid whatever War Cradle was.

  I held up my crowbar. "I like it, but I think we should start with the Expired boss. We're good at fighting those."

  "Sounds good," Cosmo said. "Are we all in agreement?"

  Nods and murmurs around the table suggested that everyone invited to this meeting was into the plan. It was up to the uninvited to voice an objection.

  "Excuse me," Sidus pushed himself up to the tables. "I think you're overlooking the best party."

  "Is it because you were hiding in Buy-Lo while we did the work?" I asked cheerfully. I hadn't forgotten this prick knocking me down during the race.

  Sidus responded by raising his voice and talking over me. "We kept the car park under control this whole time, so we've become quite strong. My bot Yeti Bourgeoisie also makes me more powerful the more people follow me. I'm almost as strong as this girl here," he added, gesturing to Raven.

  "Really?" Raven simply arched an eyebrow. Everyone else looked uncomfortable. The idea that someone they'd barely interacted with had Mall Monarch's strengths and none of the drawbacks was obviously a bald-faced lie, but he sounded confident.

  Kara sighed. "What do you want, exactly?"

  "Make my party the strike team. Considering that this boy wants to go after the easiest target instead of supporting whoever needs help, I could probably do a better job, no?"

  Chaz reached for his sword. "You dissing my bro?"

  "Don't worry about it." I motioned for Chaz to relax and turned to Cosmo. "As long as he starts somewhere far away from us he can be a strike team too, I don't care."

  I'd seen his type before. If we were still on Earth he'd probably be at someone else's store right now, demanding to speak to the manager just because he could. It was better to just make him feel like his power play worked so he'd go away (or, in this case, potentially handle the trap boss for me.) If he wanted to turn up after most of the work was done and pretend he was the key to this whole tutorial, that was his problem.

  "Sure, we can have two," Cosmo agreed, because it was easier. "Everyone ready?"

  "Of course," Sidus said. "Alright, people. You have your assignments. Let's move out!"

  [ STATUS

  TIME: Day 3, 11:59 AM

  CUSTOMERS: 428/1162

  ODDBOTZ: 428/428 ]

  The radz trees in the west plaza had withered. The leaves were the first to fall, turning brown and dropping as we followed Harmony's crew in. As the other parties decided who to follow, the branches grew brittle and broke. By the time everyone who was going to fight Baron Vance had gathered, they were little more than hollow stumps.

  Ultimately, a little over a hundred people joined us. With everyone unable to fight barricaded into the food court, and the biggest cowards finding somewhere to hide, every area was pulling similar numbers.

  We stood on the bottom level, near the exit. The others lurked near us, or on the levels above. Nobody wanted to venture too deep until the boss showed himself.

  "Well, this is it," Lex said, too uneasy to let the silence go unfilled. "We got this, right?"

  Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.

  I patted my pocket nervously. "I think so. Is everything ready?"

  Kara held up a trio of potions. "Val gave me these. We're ready."

  "If we're not, it's too late now," Chaz said, practically hopping with excitement. "Here we go."

  Noon arrived.

  Lightning flashed outside. In the distance, something screeched. Red mist began billowing out of the stumps.

  Then the vampire appeared, rising out of the mist to float in the air in the middle of the plaza.

  [ BARON VANCE, IKANA VAMPIRE

  BOSS (JUNIOR TIER) ]

  He was pale, with bright red eyes, dark hair in a shitty undercut, and an ill-fitting suit which made him look rich enough for the finer things but too friendless to get fashion advice. His health bar was huge. It had three lines.

  He looked at us, as if only just noticing we were there, and started to chug the rest of the goblet he'd been holding.

  "GET HIM!" Harmony yelled.

  Arrows, energy blasts, and fruit slices rained down on the vampire. Beside me, Kara raised her Chemical Compound and took aim.

  She didn't get to fire. Vance waved a hand, and a crackling red shield similar to Lex's appeared in front of him. It cracked a little under the onslaught, but it held.

  Around him, the tree stumps erupted. Expired Radz sprayed out in plumes of smoke, flying through the air to land among us.

  "Shit!" I had to jump out of the way as one of them hit the ground face-first in front of me. Since he was already dead, it didn't slow him down much. I smacked him with my crowbar before he could get to his feet, only to be forced back by his lunging buddy.

  Something blurred in front of me, and the undead was sent flying back. Hugh had flown in from the side with a kick. "I got you!"

  I smacked down another as it came in from his blind spot. "Thanks!"

  "I'm not gonna get a clear shot like this!" Kara warned. The Expired were everywhere now, and still more were tumbling out of the stumps.

  I activated my Stabchop. "I got you!"

  [ SHOPPING RUSH! Double attack speed! (00:04:59) ]

  I started going to town on everything in sight. There were a lot of zombies, but there wasn't a lot they could do about a double-damage crowbar flying at them from angles only a weird snake-arm-man could manage. The circle of slain zombies around Kara began to widen.

  Hugh smacked his fists together. "Don't worry, I've got this! Navi, let's beat the crap out of this vampire!"

  "Wait!" I reached for Hugh, but he was too fast. Our auto-battling companion leapt into the air with bot-enhanced strength, landed on a zombie, and started leaping from shoulder to shoulder like he was in a wuxia film.

  I telescoped my arm out to crack an incoming Expired in the face before she could land, and started creating space for our other fighters to advance. Hugh leapt forward, somersaulted over the shield...

  Vampire claws gouged Hugh open.

  "AAAH!"

  Hugh went down in a spray of blood. Enough of us were free to advance. Shots fired from above started to break the shield...

  Vance turned into a cloud of red mist and flew into Hugh's wounds.

  Hugh jerked a few times, stumbled, got to his feet... and gazed at us with glowing red eyes. The vampire's health bar was above him now.

  "Navi," he rasped, "kill all tallmen."

  I paused. "Oh, fuck..."

  One of the first survivors to charge in was sent flying backward by a flying kick, her blade falling from her hands. The possessed Hugh rolled, picked it up, and cut another survivor's head clean off.

  "Holy shit!" Harmony screamed and charged. "Hugh!"

  The vampire must have done something to Hugh's stats, because a second survivor was slashed across the stomach before anyone could react. Two more were down a second later. He'd just taken out an entire party.

  I started running forward. That couldn't be it. Surely there was a way to save—

  A survivor who understandably cared more for their own survival raised his crossbow and blasted Hugh in the chest. Hugh dropped, and another goddamn Death Daddy crate popped into my inventory.

  A small chunk of Vance's first health bar blipped away as Vance poured out of Hugh and reformed.

  The nearest survivors started swinging. Others saw the health bar and frowned. They'd had the same thought I had: hurting the possessed hurt the boss.

  I could see where this was going. I tried to push ahead, but another wave of Expired forced me back. One bit into my shoulder.

  [ You've received a Death Discount! ]

  There went my bonus HP. "Aah!"

  Vance fought back with his claws. The survivors managed to weaken him further, but it wasn't long before he gouged some other poor sap and leapt into their body. This time he'd possessed some kind of mage-type bot, and waves of concussive force started tearing into the others.

  I ripped the undead off me as the new possessed survivor was leapt upon by his peers. Another survivor lost.

  Liquid sprayed into my face. Reg had blasted me with his super soaker.

  "Focus, cuz! We can do it!"

  I blinked. The super soaker was full of healing soda, but I'd just been blasted with ideas.

  "Harmony!" I shouted at the frontline, hoping she could hear me. "We need to—"

  "SKREEEEEEENK!"

  [ You have been affected by Terrifying Roar. ]

  I dropped to my knees. The shriek had shaken me to my core. Up ahead the frontline collapsed, revealing Harmony in Drake Form. Her polygorn spikes had turned blood-red.

  Harmony gutted a survivor, blasted another away with her fire breath, and leapt over the mob, aiming for the backline.

  "Oh, no," Reg whispered as the tiny kaiju barreled towards us—

  Chaz turned visible again as he put himself, and his sword, in her path.

  Clang! Harmony's claws met his sword. Chaz held for now, but he wouldn't forever.

  I reached into my backpack and shouted. "I have an idea! Don't kill her!"

  "I'm trying!" Chaz grunted. Harmony was already forcing him back. "She's not making it easy!"

  I tossed the backpack aside and ran forward, reaching out...

  Khan snaked forward and grabbed Harmony's ankle, sending her tumbling. I recovered my arm and leapt, forcing her to the floor. I had to kneel on her arm to free a hand.

  Harmony roared, eyes full of hate, and opened her mouth to breathe flames...

  I cracked the tab on an uncalibrated Slurp and poured it down her throat.

  Harmony—no, Vance—screamed and thrashed, choking on painful healing. I held steady. Chaz and Reg moved to help.

  Harmony finally arched her back and gasped as the vampire poured out again, leaving her alive. He barely had a chance to move before I rose, cracking him across the chin in a heavy blow that obliterated the rest of his first health bar.

  POW!

  Vance screeched and rose into the air, glowing. Something was happening. We backed off.

  "There's a Phase Two!" Chaz warned.

  Streams of blood poured from the dead and swirled into Vance. The vampire looked down at me with an evil smirk, eyes burning. Whatever Phase Two was, I was next.

  His hands turned into massive claws. The vampire threw back his head and screamed.

  "Now!" I yelled.

  Kara's Chemical Compound arrow hit the vampire in the chest.

  Thwip.

  He looked down in confusion. I smiled.

  "Bon appétit."

  Baron Vance roared in anger, but he got cut off.

  VWORP!

  [ Potion of Find Store: Tack Shop activated!

  No tack shop found! You will suffer a penalty!

  Rerouting... ]

  Baron Vance's roar was cut short as the malfunctioning spell tore through his body.

  He hit the floor but hopped to his feet quickly, as no self-respecting boss would stay down long. He needn't have bothered though, because nobody was around.

  He was in an empty shoe store. Even the shelves had been cleared out. The shutter was closed, and the only light came from the open door of a fridge Will's friends had dragged in here.

  It was Big Pants's fridge, and it was still full of fruit.

  Well, half full. The rest had been taken out and scattered across the room.

  At Vance's feet, a pomegranate sensed his presence and began to pulse.

  "...Shit."

  KABOOOOOOM!

  The whole mall shook.

  [ You have defeated Baron Vance! ]

  [ +10 EXP! +$500! +1 ZETTAMALL? Harsh Boss Crate! ]

  [ Further rewards will be calculated once the Boss Rush is complete. ]

  [ You Always Remember Your First

  Defeat a Boss (any tier).

  Reward: +1 ZETTAMALL? Harsh Boss Crate ]

  [ We Also Sell Salsa

  Defeat a Boss with some Fragger's Co-Operative "product placement".

  Reward: +1 Fragger's Co-Operative Premium Crate ]

  [ CUSTOMERS: 385/1162 ]

  Secondary explosions rattled the windows as I grabbed Harmony's hand and pulled her to her feet.

  "Thanks," she gasped. "Fuck, that hurts."

  "My phone case gave me a spell that reduces fatigue," Kara said as she hustled over. "Do we need it?"

  "Save it," I said, and opened Zettachat.

  GeorgeSidus 12:10 PM

  Baron down.

  GrindSetBonus 12:10 PM

  Jesus. Can you do that again?

  WillT 12:10 PM

  That was us, and no we can't.

  Who needs help now?

  VVVVVV 12:10 PM

  Bunch of people got run over but Rozinante's holding.

  GrindSetBonus 12:11 PM

  I might be in trouble. Someone's hiding up here and they took a shot at Mallbat Prime. I have to wait to get my strength back...

  hentai_feet.mp4 12:11 PM

  Jordan here. We're getting ratfucked by a baby in a mecha.

  My party and I shared a look.

  Shirokage428 12:11 PM

  Is that fucking Pinata the Zombie Baby?

  hentai_feet.mp4 12:11 PM

  Oh, you've met my boy Pinny?

  I was really sweating now. What the fuck was this?

  I tried throwing the question to the others. "Who do we help?"

  "If we help Raven it'll sabotage her," Chaz said. "I think we have to go east."

  Shit.

  I gave up. "Fine, but I'm getting that essence first."

  Roxxor Your Soxxors sat in the central plaza on Level Two, right in the corridor to Huge W. Or it did, anyway—the blast had torn open the shutter, blown out the walls, and collapsed the floor. Vance was somewhere on the ground floor now.

  "Is there gonna be enough of him to consume?" Chaz asked.

  "Probably," Khan said.

  "Good enough for me," I side. "Gimme a hand, I might need to move some debris."

  I hopped down fast. I could hear screams and explosions in the east plaza. If we took too long, someone was gonna die.

  The store beneath us was dark and shuttered, but I could see a part of a shitty suit sticking out of the rubble. My party climbed down and helped me pull...

  A shimmering green force field enveloped the walls and plugged the hole in the ceiling.

  "What the hell?" I reached up. My hand was stopped mid-air.

  "Did you do that?" Chaz asked Lex.

  Lex frowned. "It's not mine. It's the wrong colour."

  "It's ours," a voice said from above.

  Sidus appeared at the edge of the hole, smiling.

  "Oh, fuck off!" I snapped. "I've dealt with enough pricks in here! What are you even doing?"

  "Yeah!" Kara fumed. "We're full on haters!"

  "Good thing I brought our mutual friend, then," Sidus said, stepping back.

  A new figure appeared.

  I just sighed. "Come on, man."

  Magic grinned. "What's up, fucko?"