I did not handle this revelation well.

  "Jerry?! But you... how did you... no!"

  Kara was stunned. "It was you this whole time? Is that why this tutorial sucks?"

  Jerry just sat there calmly, sipping from a coffee mug. "Do I look like Jerry?"

  I looked him over. He was an elder millennial with a close-cut receding hairline, a five o'clock shadow, a light button-up shirt, and dark glasses. Not only did he look exactly like Jerry, his mug had a photo of Rick Astley singing Never Gonna Give You Up printed on it.

  "Yes! Obviously!"

  He sipped. "Well... you're close. I'm not actually your Jerry. I joined the Zetta in 2009. Right at the end of history, before you guys kept it going and stuffed it all up. Did you get the Seinfeld thing?"

  "The what?"

  "The 'Hello, Newman' line," Jerry continued cheerfully. "It's what Seinfeld said to his nemesis Newman all the time in Seinfeld. Classic meme."

  I stared. "Are you sure you're not our Jerry?"

  "I'm sure," Jerry said. "Your Jerry is a version of me who didn't get the same chance I did. I'm not allowed to Mall Master myself, so the system never brought him here. That's probably why you're in here messing with my stuff. Thanks, Obama."

  "So... what is this?" I asked. "Who are you, exactly?"

  Jerry spread his arms, and wide array of holographic screens popped into existence around him. Some displayed camera feeds from around the mall. Some played recordings of past Lair battles. Some displayed candlestick charts, scrolling statistics, spinning rings, and strange graphs I had no idea how to parse. One appeared in front of his chest:

  "I am the Mall Master of this tutorial. I decide everything, from the bosses to the modifiers to what time it all starts. The sponsors get a say in how it all goes down, but in this realm, I am in control."

  That was more or less what I expected, so most of that information passed right through me. One fact stabbed me like a knife though.

  "The start time? You decided to bring us here?" My fists clenched. If this prick was the reason we were abducted...

  My anger probably showed on my face, because Jerry put a hand up. "Look, the day was locked in. Don't go blaming me for everything just yet. Also, I'm a Level 64 Techno-Otaku, and Vince and Jules are still waiting outside. You're not winning this fight."

  I stiffened. I wasn't used to a Jerry with this much (okay, any) backbone. "... Fine. But you control everything else?"

  "More or less," Jerry said. "There are rules I still have to follow. Targets to hit, a sponsor to handle, all that kind of thing. So before you ask, no, I can't just cancel the finale and give everyone cake. Well, maybe I could if—"

  "The cake is a lie," Kara and I said at the same time, before I threw in a "I know."

  "Jerry mentioned that meme at least once a week," Kara added.

  "Why are we here, Jerry?" I asked wearily.

  Jerry set his mug down and leaned back. "So I can warn you to keep quiet about this place before I kick you out. You didn't break anything important when you hacked into my system, so I'll let you off with a warning, but if Zeddie catches you spilling the beans about this place he will turn you into a lamp. Got it?"

  "Fine," I said, and decided to take a shot. "Can you at least help us with Kara's—"

  Jerry shook his head. "Nope. Listen, Will, take it from a Zetta veteran: you have to be realistic. Asking for handouts won't get you far. Besides, you have bigger things to worry about. The sponsor's trying to kill you two."

  My next complaint got stuck in my throat. "Excuse me?"

  "Do you mean Warcrimes?" Kara asked. "The guys with the bad name?"

  "Oh, yeah. Big time. They say the name sounds better in their homeworld's language, but I think they're just dicks. Anyway, your party managed to blow up their representative right as he was leaving a meeting with one of our subcontractors. You could say you were in their base, killing their dudes! Remember Zero Wing?"

  A memory of Lex accidentally blowing up a shoplin Lair flashed through my mind. I'd looted a weird essence that had changed in my hands. "Manipulator Hex..."

  "Mafipulator," Jerry corrected me. "Anyway, Zeddie automatically slapped them with a big ol' fine for interfering in the tutorial, and they blame you guys. Who do you think enticed Force Braz with that big juicy bounty? He wasn't exactly hunting you because I promised to make him lots of spaghetti. Force-spawning the Branticore right afterward was a pretty good trick, too..."

  I groaned. "Fantastic. Of course more people are out to get me."

  Kara frowned. "Wait, so they get dinged for messing with the tutorial because of an accident, but trying to kill us is fine?!"

  "It's a long story," Jerry said, in the languid voice of someone who didn't give enough of a shit to tell it. "The short version is that the accident made the wrong numbers go down. Finding out if your party will blend would make the right numbers go up, so it's fine. I wouldn't worry about it too much. The 'why' won't help you much."

  "Well, can you help us with that?" I asked, but I already knew the answer.

  "No," Jerry said bluntly. "Sorry. Warning you was already risky, but I feel some responsibility for you as the better version of your boss..."

  Wait a minute.

  I suddenly realised why Vaughn wanted me to do this. I cleared my throat...

  "We'll settle for the Death Discount cure, then."

  Jerry looked at me like I'd just taken off my shirt. "What? Look man, I already said—"

  "You don't understand," I wailed, leaning on his desk like a teen trying to guilt his mum into letting him watch a dirty movie. "We need a cure by tomorrow! Tomorrow!"

  This wasn't my Jerry. This was a messed-up-and-evil Zetta Jerry. But they were clearly both just reflections of the same guy, and the Jerry I knew once let a customer shop for so long after closing that mall security had to throw them both out.

  To the Zettamall, we were customers. Jerry loved caving to customers. It was his favourite thing to do.

  He resisted at first. "What did I just say about messing with the tutorial? I can't just—"

  I slammed my hands on his desk and leaned over it. I was genuinely pissed at this guy, and I decided to use it. "You don't understand! I need that cure! What don't you get?!"

  Kara realised what I was going for and leaned in too, hands on her hips. "Yeah! Do you know who I am? I'm a valued customer! I'm close personal friends with Zeddie!"

  "Yeah!" I continued. "I know you have a cure in the back!"

  He flinched. "What the hell are you on about? If I could cure Death Discount like that, I would have done it already. Be realistic!"

  I ignored that answer because I was too busy holding my hands up like I was milking a giant cow. "You don't understand! Check the back!"

  Kara got out her phone. "What's your name? I'm reporting you! I want to speak to the manager!"

  "I'm the manager!" Jerry fumed. "And you know damn well my name is Jerrayden!"

  She started dialing. "Well, it's about to be Fired! I'm close personal friends with Zeddie!"

  "I am tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" I yelled.

  He held up his hands. "Stop! Jesus Christ, stop! Alright!"

  We relented, for now. Jerry took a breath to settle himself and steepled his fingers.

  The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  "Listen. You guys are technically my employees. And I totally appreciate the Snakes on a Plane reference. I wish I could just snap my fingers and summon what you need, I really do," he said, snapping his fingers. A screen flickered into existence in the air beside him. "But I can't."

  My eyes flicked over to the screen. It was a blueprint...

  "It's frustrating," Jerry said, getting out of his chair and turning around. "In fact, it makes me want to stare out of this window for, oh, a hundred and twenty seconds."

  And stare he did. I looked at Kara, shrugged, and took a picture with my phone.

  "Thanks," I whispered.

  Jerry's reflection gave me a slight nod. "Anyway, you've been warned. Get outta here. Warcrimes will probably jack one of the bosses up to take out your party, and I really can't help with that. If you can survive that, well, a winner is you."

  "Uh... Bazinga," Kara said as we headed for the door. "Am I saying that right?"

  I pushed her out. "Close enough. We should hurry up and get this to the right people."

  Kara grabbed my arm. "Do it over Zettachat! We're going to my car. I parked it on the roof."

  "Why are we... oh."

  "Yep! Now stop stalling. We can worry about how we're all gonna die tomorrow."

  [ STATUS

  TIME: Day 3, 8:05 AM

  CUSTOMERS: 428/1162

  ODDBOTZ: 428/428 ]

  I woke up in the back of Kara's dad's old Ford Falcon. Kara was asleep in the driver's seat. I yawned, sat up, and looked into an upside-down mallbat face on the other side of a window.

  We screamed at the same time. "AAAH!"

  "SKREE!" The startled mallbat flew away.

  Kara snapped awake. "GAH!"

  "Sorry, sorry!" I said, shaking my arm. The hand cannon wouldn't activate. "Oh, right... Disengage standby mode?"

  My metal arm shook, and Khan opened his maw. "Ah, young William. I see the two of you have refreshed your minds and bodies."

  "Not yet," Kara said, sniffing herself. "I need a shower. I'm still covered in blood and sweat from yesterday..."

  I checked the skies. "So is the mall. It smells like Dracula's sex mansion by now... coast is clear. You ready to go?"

  "Gross. But yeah, let's go! It's time for your goofy plan, right?"

  "Yeah, but I need breakfast first," I said, and sniffed my armpit. "Okay, and a shower."

  "Sure. Just don't go eating any Zetta cereals, okay? I got a buff food yesterday, sorta."

  I grabbed my backpack and double-checked everything. "Wasn't planning to, but I'll keep it in mind. We'll meet with Manaia at 8:45 to cure Death Discount. ...Is cure the right word?"

  "Are you kidding?" Kara shook her head. "You shouldn't have said it was your idea, everyone's gonna think you're out of your mind!"

  I grinned and hopped out of the car. "Good. I don't think normal plans are gonna help us any more."

  [ ZETTACHAT > Bippity Boppity It's Time To Shoppity > #final-day ]

  TroyTheFirst 8:10 AM

  Okay, people. In just over eight hours, we'll be out of here. What's our status?

  amateurUFOlogist 8:10 AM

  I built the, uh, thing Will requested. Took most of the night, but I figured out the blueprint and banged it out.

  I mean, it's absolutely munted. But in theory it works.

  PermianExpress 8:10 AM

  Dale here. The alchemists have worked out our half of the plan.

  We made a lot of goodies to distribute too! We got heals, we got buffs, we got meals, we got stuff, and I made some special gummies if anyone needs to take the edge off.

  Once you all get here, anyway. Where'd everybody go?

  SkullGirl33 8:11 AM

  There's a queue for the shower.

  TroyTheFirst 8:11 AM

  Oh, right, everyone's been rutting.

  Harm 8:11 AM

  Get lost, virgin.

  Shirokage428 8:11 AM

  If the line's too long, the racer shoplins set up a car wash in the car park. Some of us are borrowing that.

  It's BYO soap right now, but it's better than nothing. We tried a fire hose but it did NOT work.

  Lexy 8:11 AM

  I'll bring you some soap! Val and I just filled up Snakpak.

  SkullGirl33 8:12 AM

  With what?

  Lexy 8:12 AM

  Um, most of the mall?

  I woke up too early, so I was trying to take my mind off the battle, and there's a whole warehouse of space in there, so...

  If anyone needs something, let me know.

  WillT 8:12 AM

  Got any anime? I need to bribe Whovian.

  TroyTheFirst 8:12 AM

  What are you up to now?

  WillT 8:12 AM

  You're not my boss, so I guess you'll find out later. See you in thirty minutes.

  By the time I showered and returned to the upper food court, the others were ready to go.

  Kara was sitting in a chair, surrounded by machines. Manaia had dragged the Re-Couponator's retrofuturistic widgets down here with Raven's help, disassembled half of them, and connected the rest in a storm of cables. Some of the cables were plugged into Teslatops.

  The ray gun was pointed directly at Kara. The spectators were very nervous about that.

  "I'm still not sure how this is supposed to help," Val said from the pillar she was hiding behind.

  Kara gave her a thumbs-up. "Don't worry! We're just making me worse!"

  "How did you even think of this, bro?" Manaia asked.

  I decided to employ the Vaughn Klerk Method. "Something Dandy said yesterday tipped me off. Is it ready to fire?"

  Manaia nodded and slapped the ray gun. "Hardout! This baby's charged and good to go. You want to do the honours?"

  "Are you asking so you won't be at the helm if this blows up in my face?"

  "Oh, yeah. As soon as you fire it up I'm gonna gap it."

  I gave him a thumbs-up. "Gap away, my friend."

  Manaia joined Val behind the pillar. "Good luck, bro!"

  "Don't worry, he's being paranoid," Teslatops said. "Your odds of success are surprisingly high."

  "That's not encouraging!" Troy called from the crowd.

  I approached the ray gun. It had iron sights set into the top, and a control yoke, some buttons and dials, and a huge switch in the back. I carefully grabbed the yoke and aimed at Kara's torso.

  "Ready?" I asked.

  Kara grinned nervously. "Do it."

  I pressed the startup button. Parts of the ray gun began glowing green, starting from the back and working their way towards the tip. An analog meter above the yoke began to swing from "Low Power" to "See You In Hell". The spectators backed away in case there was a blast radius.

  The meter hit See You In Hell. A light turned green. I threw the switch.

  A ray of strange greenish energy blasted directly into Kara.

  Kara flinched. "Woah! Okay, that stings!"

  I reached for the switch. "You okay?"

  "It's fine! It's working! Keep going!"

  I kept the ray trained on her. Kara squirmed. Her skin turned pale. The rays glowed brighter. The ceiling lights flickered.

  "I don't know if it's meant to do that," Manaia said.

  "Then shouldn't we stop this?" Lex asked nervously.

  "Don't! Almost done!" Kara replied.

  "Seriously, you could've easily explained this by now," Val snapped. "What the hell's—"

  The gun sparked. The ray burst. The power went out.

  "So," Troy said in the darkness, "all in favour of never listening to Will again?"

  I sighed. "Oh, shut up, Troy."

  "It's fine," Manaia said. "Three, two, one..."

  The power came back. The ray gun was still sparking, so I flipped the switch and powered it down before turning to Kara.

  "So, did it wor— holy shit!"

  Kara had a skeletal look again. In fact, I was pretty sure she'd become faintly transparent. I could see a hint of skeleton.

  "It worked," Kara said, her eyes glowing a soft green. "Why, what's up?"

  "Uh..." I opted for the truth. "You look horrifying."

  Kara looked at her arm. "Oh, cool! Anyone got a mirror?"

  "Seriously, what's happening?" Val fumed.

  "Great question," I said. "We stacked more Death Discount on her."

  Lex frowned. "But she was already at 100%?"

  "And now I'm at 200%," Kara said. "Nobody said it stops at 100. Check this out:"

  [ You've received Dire Death Discount!

  Healing reduced by 100% for 24 hours!

  Your creature type has changed to Expired! Dark and Necrotic damage types now heal you instead. If you die with a Dire Death Discount, you will become Expired for real. ]

  "So it's worse, but in a funny way," Chaz said thoughtfully. "Do we have a reliable source for that kind of damage?"

  "We sure do." I looked into the crowd. "Right, Dale?"

  Dale the alchemist stepped forward. "Yessir. One of the shoplin recipes is a necrotic milkshake. I made enough to keep her alive for now. It's supposed to be a grenade, but we can just throw it at her instead."

  Kara looked up from the hand mirror she'd been making faces into. "Or I could drink it?"

  "I taste-tested it," Dale said, surprisingly firmly. "It's throw it or throw up."

  Val accepted it. "Better than nothing, I guess. So what happens now?"

  I checked the system clock. Zeddie's next appearance was minutes away. The final battle was approaching fast.

  "We're about to find out."