The Cardinal, the Inquisitor, and the Chaplain escort Hajime to the most sacred chamber of the edifice: the reliquary.
Hajime now stands before a vault. Cash signs, idol posters, and memorabilia of the founders adorn the walls to maximize clout. It serves as both functional aesthetic and place of worship. You can even see the donation box, conveniently adorned with charity ads, placed just close enough to annoy the eye of the shrewd and selfish.
Hajime feels a sting — its spiritual damage inflicted by bad design.
The Cardinal performs the sacred prayer to open the vault:
“Blessed are the heroes who monetize the world.
Cursed is the demon who steals our margins,
And beloved is Deus above all Stream's!”
The gate jingles a holy tune as it opens. A blinding light pours out to Hajime's retinas.
“My eyes!!!” Hajime screams.
Everyone ignores him — they too once lost their sight to the vault’s brilliance.
Inside, Hajime is bombarded by cheers from the countless items that are locked within this gilded vault.
“Whaleeee!” a sword squeals. “Gosh, girl! You got another hero? He’s a hunk! Luckyyyy! My last one was overweight and couldn’t use me properly for at least three adventuring arcs!”
Whalescalibur flickers with pride. “Hey, Dividal! Yeah, I got another hero! He’s… difficult, but we’re making it work!”
Another item calls out: “What’s with the gloomy one at his hip? Her vibes are ominous. Hey, hunk, why not ditch that rusty hanger-on and pick up a real sword?”
Caladblock shrieks: “WHO SAID THAT?! I’LL TORMENT YOU UNTIL YOU BEG FOR OBLIVION!”
A whisper echoes: “Shut up, Geltgyr — that’s Whale’s sister. You’re soo dead.”
Hajime, rubbing his temples: “Is this a gigantic raid treasure room? You can smell the OP gear from here.”
The Cardinal beams. “Indeed. We are proud of this collection. Many of these relics were once used by members of heroic parties. Some are worshipped in idol-item streams, others have retired to lives of luxury polishing ad banners, while a few never find rest — waiting forever for a hero to whisk them away to another adventure!”
Hajime glances inside. The items seem eager at his presence.
“Cheapo Hero Tier,” he says flatly. “Give me my free stuff.”
The Cardinal remembers his holy duty and gestures toward a small, rotting door at the far back. Above it, a flickering neon sign reads: ‘Cheapo Hero Tier.’
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He recites the prayer:
“Cheapo hero who loves hard mode and lives in stinginess,
May your journey be blessed by Deus,
And may your taste in higher-tier subscriptions grow as vast as your soul.”
Hajime mutters, “Is that praise or a diss?”
The door creaks open, releasing a cloud of dust and the stench of dead rats.
Some items in the vault shout, “Close that damn door! It reeks of poverty!”
Another panics, “A smelly rat? WHERE?!”
Chaos ensues within the vault. Hajime ignores it...
On a small pedestal rests a hobo robe, a pair of sandals, and a hemp shirt — the Poor Man’s Hero Set.
He equips the items just before the Inquisitor steps in front of him, blocking the way.
“May I have a word with the hero?”
The Cardinal and Chaplain exchange looks and leave.
The Inquisitor opens his palms. “Your free trial is over. Please return the protector.”
Hajime raises an eyebrow. “Indeed, the trial is over… but I can’t simply give it back.”
The Inquisitor frowns. “I’ve always admired heroes, but you’re different from the previous batch. Do you think I haven’t noticed the abomination at your hip?”
“Oh?” Hajime sneers. “Don’t insult my holy sword, Inquisitor.”
“To be frank,” the Inquisitor says carefully, “I could make this little clerical issue disappear… if you hand over the protector.”
“You think I’m stupid?” Hajime replies. “This thing can be heavily monetized with the imprint of my essence. I’ll destroy it — deny you your precious product clout and relic status.”
The Inquisitor pales. “You wouldn’t dare…”
Hajime grabs the thong, holding it hostage at swordpoint. Caladblock’s edge gleams dangerously.
“Fine!” the Inquisitor blurts. “What are your demands?”
Hajime smirks like a villain. “Quick thinking and high initiative — the marks of a great inquisitor. My demands are simple: 75% royalties, and you turn a blind eye to my antics.”
The Inquisitor grits his teeth. “Seventy-five?! Never! I’ll give you 25%!”
“Tsk, tsk,” Hajime taunts. “My hand is slipping…”
“Forty!”
“Fifty percent,” Hajime counters, “and throw in a free protector as my inconvenience fee.”
The Inquisitor bites his lip until it bleeds. “Fine!!!”
They shake hands. A holy, monetized aura engulfs their deal. Thus, a shady partnership is born.
“Nothing personal,” Hajime says, wiping his hands. “Just the cost of business.”
The Inquisitor dabs his lip with a napkin. “Not bad. I respect your haggling skills, hero. You’ll go far.”
Hajime blinks. “You’re… not mad?”
He sighs. “We’re all trying to climb the ladder. As long as it’s not illegal, you’re fine.”
“Then why the issue with my sword?” Hajime asks.
“Objectively, it’s evil,” the Inquisitor admits. “But as the Holy Ad’s Terms of Service says in Article X766553 — All loot is sacred.”
Whalescalibur interjects, “Hold up — when was that added?!”
“This morning,” the Inquisitor replies smugly. “You’re truly blessed hero.”
Hajime mutters, “A god that doesn’t want to inconvenience me… interesting...”
They leave the vault and rejoin the Cardinal and Chaplain.
“You were gone for quite a while,” the Cardinal says. “Did something happen?”
The Inquisitor smirks. “My tests have found the hero pure, and we are now in a cooperative partnership. Cope and seethe, Chris.”
The Cardinal’s eyes flare red. “You fast son of a holy mother—!”
The Chaplain, head of PR, intervenes. “Gentlemen, please. Keep this on the forums.”
They sigh.
“Hero,” the Chaplain announces, “Her Eminence Deus calls for your attention. You are to commune with her and choose a companion goddess from the premium pantheon.”
Hajime groans. “Just my luck… another voice in my head.”
Whalescalibur cheers, “My favorite part! Who will join us this season? I’m so excited!”
Caladblock swoons. “He called me his holy sword… Ara ara ara ara~”
Valiant adds quietly, “Hajime-san, be careful with covenants made with gods. They’re even more skilled than demons at binding you legally.”
Hajime nods. “I expected this in a way. A god, in essence, is just someone who plays by their own rules, just like me.”