I took off my helmet, my long blonde hair cascading over my back and covering one of my eyes. I was taller than usual, and my blue bodysuit was skin-tight. Admittedly, spending an hour as a star princess was a bit strange, but her stats were best suited to my playstyle, consistency in special jumps and quick turns on a bike.

  Technically, Baby Rosalina was better for my playstyle with the lighter frame.

  "But I have standards. That story-breaking monstrosity is best for the uneducated and the weirdos. People, learn the lore, Rosalina had red hair as a child, not blonde. So where the heck did that baby even come from?"

  Normally, I’d use someone who goes against my playstyle, like Donkey Kong, to help me skill grind, but today was important. There were stakes on the line.

  "Well, you did pretty good, Ari, you were really trying your best," my mom, whose username was Deadsilence, said. Her avatar was Dry Bones.

  "Do you really want to avoid dishes that much?" my other mom, HelzBom, asked. She was playing as Toadette.

  "Of course not. Doing chores teaches discipline, transferable adult and self-reliance skills, and overall prepares me to be a better human," I recited.

  "So then, why the effort to win the dishes bet?" HelzBom pressed.

  "I was hoping to log into Coro?en. Noobkitty made me something, chocolate coins, and said I could wear the enchanted armor she made me."

  "We seriously need to message this Noobkitty woman. But Ari," Deadsilence sighed, "we have an agreement. No streaming until you’re sixteen, right?"

  "I’m not, Moms, I swear," I said honestly.

  "But your party is, and we worry. We saw video of you in stream replays, and there’s a chance people will try to..."

  "What your other mom is trying to say," HelzBom cut in, "is don’t accept messages from strangers, don’t accept any deals, don’t send any payments. There are countless scams out there, and if you show even a little popularity, they’ll descend like vultures."

  "Moms, I’m not some millennial. I know not to fall for scams or bots. But... even though I didn’t win, can I...?"

  "Fine," Deadsilence relented, "but tell this Noobkitty I want to talk to her and give her my contact information."

  "Yes, Mom," I said excitedly and in a little hurry.

  We went in for a big hug. At that moment, I had forgotten I was in the body of a space princess, until I realized I was hugging a toad girl and a skeleton turtle.

  Dishes successfully avoided, I logged into Coro?en.

  In my shorter, big-eared, green-skinned goblin rogue body again, I stealthed my way into the kitchen to receive my quest rewards. I had saved three days’ worth of quest coupons for this.

  Noobkitty had told me when she made the GYOAT horns that chocolate does exist in this world, but it’s rare, especially now that the city where the trees once grew is gone. She had access through .ex’s merchant inventory for cocoa powder, so she could make chocolate.

  She’d been making a small batch of liquid chocolate to dip the GYOAT horns in, using coconut cream for it. But what I wanted was a big ask, and it used a lot of the available inventory of chocolate. Still, it was worth it.

  Skidmar Chocolate: Lv 89

  A chocolate coin with a goblin’s face on it.

  Causes [minor confusion] for ten seconds.

  Cooldown: 5 minutes.

  +10% Dexterity for 6 hours.

  Cooldown: 6 hours.

  The world had started mentioning cooldowns after the last patch. I wished I had known about the lack of stacking restrictions earlier. Now people were realizing all the missed opportunities, all because Noobkitty hadn’t been willing to tell people her secret. Evidently, she had planned a big feast right before the final battle, where our stats would’ve gone through the roof. Now she still planned a feast, but it was more for enjoyment.

  Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  Noobkitty slid a tray of chocolate silver-foil-wrapped coins toward me. They said Bite Me with a picture of my awesome smiling goblin face on them. 586 coins in total.

  "It took about an hour, but no more big chocolate projects for a while," Noobkitty said.

  "What’s your skill level now?" I asked.

  "This was counted as cooking, although it felt more like crafting. I just hit lv90 this morning," she said. "Nightly skill grinding has helped, although my exp boost dropping from over a hundred to twenty five percent hurts."

  "It’s so unfair that downloaded players don’t need sleep," I complained.

  "It’ll catch up to me eventually," she said. She powdered some sugar over tarts, and they sparkled as the sugar added to the enchantment effects.

  "I started watching you at night," I admitted. "It was nice going to sleep with the music and the echoing sound of your crafting hammer."

  Noobkitty blinked strangely for some reason. "Um... thank you."

  "So, can I wear the equipment you’re making me?"

  Noobkitty grinned her toothy cat grin. "You want to test it out? Well, no getting smacked by a dragon, but it should be fine."

  She summoned the equipment onto the counter. Green and black, smelling of coconut and so much sugar.

  I instantly put it in my inventory and equipped it. The fit was good, but the hat was odd. It was too small for my wide goblin head and just kind of stuck in place, unmoving.

  My stats went through the roof. Because rogue was a more common class than cleric, my average enchantment buff was in the 11,000% range.

  I smiled. She smiled. I put the chocolate in my inventory, my mischief for the day well in plan.

  "Oh, before I go," I said, passing her my moms’ contact information through her UI. "They want to make sure the lady sending me on quests and giving me candy isn’t some weirdo."

  Noobkitty laughed. "But what if I am a weirdo?"

  I shrugged. "They’ll like your honesty."

  With that, I rushed outside, from kitchen to street in less than two seconds.

  It was a true rush. While I love skill grinding, trying again and again until I succeed, it was its own stubborn candy, like a sour hard candy with a sweet core. But this? This was a full sugar rush. My speed was godly, my stealth unmatched, and no one’s pocket was safe as I snuck a coin into every pouch, pack, or in some cases, potion belts and boots. In ten minutes, over two hundred coins were delivered.

  It was hysterical. If someone checked their pocket and took out the coin, they were hit by a few seconds of confusion. Despite being food, the confusion effect was touch-based. The world was leaning into weird now and I was all about.

  "Please submit to detainment, player Skidmark," I heard from one of the NPC guards. Normally, I’d just let them catch me, but this time my speed was so high I couldn’t resist running for it.

  "Please submit, player Skidmark... prepare to be apprehend... please..." NPC guards were spawning from all over, trying to catch me. When running was no longer funny, I stopped and let a bunch of them surround me. They approached, clubs and cuffs ready. With a smile, I took a handful of coins from my pocket and, with my amazing dexterity, hit each of them square in the head with foil-wrapped chocolate. Taking advantage of their ten seconds of confusion, I vaulted over them and made a run for it. Then, despite standing in sunlight, I activated my maxed-out stealth skill, becoming completely invisible in the crowd and chaos.

  It was great, months of playing with no stat upgrades, and now I was OP as heck. It was better than cake for breakfast.

  I had one more stat I wanted to test out, so I dropped my stealth and stood still cautiously.

  "Please prepare to be apprehended, player Skidmark."

  I stood my ground. One of the guards raised their club to smack me in the head, just as I’d hoped. I wanted to see how awesome my defense stat was with this armor on.

  Preparing for the hit, I received a notification:

  Notice: Enchantments temporarily removed for rule breaking.

  Rule broken: Spamming

  "Wait, what?"

  BONK!

  I respawned at the central fountain, where four guards waited to cuff and arrest me.

  Skidmark: I’m going to jail, guys.

  Noobkitty: It’s been a while since you were arrested last. Sleep well and see you tomorrow.

  Fizzypop: Punch the biggest brute in there to show dominance.

  Skidmark: Why would I punch myself?

  Once in jail, I logged off. My moms were in one of their games but had left me a note and a bowl of hummus and veggie sticks.

  Ari,

  Noobkitty and your party are fine. We still don’t want you on stream, so try not to do something truly ridiculous, but we won’t make you leave your team just because they’re becoming popular.

  We have a late-night raid, loot drops by lich lords are better when they’re at full power, so enjoy a calm night. We prepped you a snack. There’s fresh juice in the fridge.

  I got myself a cup of guava juice and carried my drink and snack to my room. I turned on my vid screens. The live stream of Noobkitty showed her and .ex serving customers. SisterQuery wasn’t around. Fizzypop was on their food review stream. They had a few things Noobkitty created and a few things sent to them from other worlds. What was funny was they had one of my chocolate coins, and every five minutes they would "accidentally" touch the coin and activate minor confusion on themselves.

  It was great to watch while munching before bed.

  Finally, Noobkitty went to her crafting studio and began setting up her nightly armor enchanting. She then looked directly at the viewer, it was amazing she could do that since she didn’t actually see where the recording was coming from.

  "Skidmark, you didn’t return your equipment before you got arrested, so my stream will be a little short tonight," she said, to me and her entire viewing audience.

  I laughed and watched as she started her crafting. Music started: hit, glow, hit, fuse. The repetition made me yawn, and I made my way to bed as the stream lulled me to sleep

  1/2 c. apple sauce (butter/egg substitute)

  3/4 c. brown sugar

  1 Tbsp. cornstarch

  2 tsp. vanilla extract

  1/2 tsp. baking powder

  1 jalape?o, diced with seeds

  Sprinkle of salt

  15-20 minutes