[ CUSTOMERS: 301/1162 ]

  My body trembled as I staggered out of the store. I was not a big fan of near-death experiences at the best of times, and an experience where I got shot in the arse would not be ranking in my top ten.

  Notifications scrolled past as I found my way back.

  [ We Got A Protag Over Here!

  Clear a hidden boss mission.

  Reward: +1 Gold Quest Crate ]

  [ Reduced To Clear

  Clear a Boss Rush within an hour.

  Reward: +1 ZETTAMALL? Harsh Boss Crate ]

  [ Do They Make Those For Grownups?

  Defeat a Nemesis boss without losing a single member of your party.

  Reward: +1 ZETTAMALL? Iron-Fisted Boss Crate ]

  [ Get A Job, Hippie

  Clear your tutorial mall without killing anyone (directly).

  Reward: +1 ZETTAMALL? Pacifist Crate ]

  I returned to the east plaza's ground level. The other survivors were climbing down from the roof and gathering around the edges of the concourse, gazing down at the wreckage. Pinata's explosion had obliterated most of this side of the plaza, shattering the nearest escalator and collapsing some of Level Two. Only a crater remained.

  The rest of my party was standing at the crater's edge, debating.

  "I don't have a Death Daddy crate," Kara was saying. "It's fine!"

  "He could be bleeding out," Lex worried. "Maybe we should..."

  Chaz waved. "Hey, bro!"

  Everyone turned to look at me. Silence reigned for a moment.

  I grinned and threw my arms up in the air. "WE GOT HIM!"

  The plaza erupted in cheers.

  Chaz and Kara hopped around the crater and hugged me tight.

  "We did it, bro!"

  I patted his back. "Yeah, man. We did it."

  Lex was lurking nearby, smiling awkwardly. I held a hand out.

  "Come on, it's fine."

  She joined in, laughing. "We lived! Haha!"

  High-fives and back-slaps rang through the plaza. Raven hopped down from the enclosure, nailed a superhero landing, and shook some rain from her clothes.

  "Fuck, that was close. He's gone though. I'll bring you to the body if you need to see it."

  I nodded. I didn't have an essence slot, but I could save one in my lunchbox.

  "Thanks!" I untangled myself and raised my hand for a high-five. "Nice work."

  Raven gave me some skin. The others joined in, and we traded high-fives for a while. We'd earned them.

  "So," I asked once the plaza seemed to be calming down a bit, "what happens now?"

  "GOOD QUESTION!" Zeddie shouted, gleefully appearing in the middle of the plaza.

  I jumped. "Jesus!"

  Zeddie shot me a wink. "Gooood afternoon, shoppers! It is twelve fourty-five PM, TMT! Boy, that was quick. We're already done here!"

  Zeddie's hands presented us with a holographic cake, a shitty party whistle sound effect played, and confetti showered down from the ceiling.

  "Congratulations! You've earned entry into the ZETTAMALL?. Give yourselves a huge pat on the back... with these achievements!"

  [ Welcome To The ZETTAMALL?, Part 3

  Complete your tutorial mall.

  Reward: +1 WARCRIMES Sponsored Upgrade Key, +1 ZETTAMALL? Welcome Crate ]

  [ Everything Must Go

  Complete your tutorial mall by clearing every Lair and eliminating every Boss.

  Reward: +1 ZETTAMALL? Platinum Tutorial Crate ]

  Surprise rippled through the crowd. Everyone had gotten that last one.

  "In the end, just under twenty-six percent of you survived! If you include those who left the tutorial early, we're looking at thirty-three percent! Statistically, that's B-class by human standards! You can thank Vaughn Klerk for making that number go up."

  Nobody did that. Zeddie was smart enough not to wait for applause before continuing.

  "Now, the tutorial will officially end after fourty-eight hours, at four-thirty PM. Just sit tight until then! If you need an altar, we've placed one in the bus terminal. When the tutorial ends, please gather there with anything you want to bring with you to your brand new life. See you then! ZETTAMALL?: Live to Save."

  Zeddie vanished.

  Nearly four hours to go, but nothing to do. It felt nice. I took a deep breath.

  "So... we're clocking out, finally."

  Kara smiled wryly. "Time to go home, right?"

  "Wherever that is," Lex said glumly.

  Chaz patted her back and grinned. "We can worry about that later. We just worked extra hours, which means it's time for our old tradition. Right, bro?"

  I grinned back. "Yeah. It's time to goof off!"

  [ William Tombaugh, Customer [104/B]

  Level: 5

  EXP: 554/700 ]

  [ Assets

  Conditions: [Brain Broth], [Megalodon's Muscle]

  Health: 14/14

  Funbucks: $1748

  Keys: Upgrade Key x3 ]

  There was a lot to do: High-five the teens, high-five Reg and Harmony, get put in a headlock and my hair ruffled by an overly excited Manaia, high-five a bunch of other guys. I even high-fived Khan. Someone set up speakers to play music. There may have been dancing.

  The teens I was especially happy about. They'd all survived, thanks to their healing cans—though one of Val's eyes was too far gone for cans to fix, and Baz's leg hadn't come back either. They'd scrounged an eye patch and a wheelchair. Val wore her wound like a badge of honor, but Baz had grown a little quieter than usual.

  Eventually Chaz dragged our party away from the party for a private meeting. We went back where it all started, at least for me: the Gateway break room.

  "So," he rubbed his hands together, "the final cratening."

  "Is it Lair Crate time?" I asked.

  "Sure, we'll start with that." Chaz tossed a pin on the table. "This is what they'll give us."

  It was a golden pin in the shape of a shoplin head. He was wearing a chef hat and licking his lips.

  [ A Golden Lair Pin: Celebrity Chef Gobeau! Awarded for defeating Gobeau in a Lair. Having one of these is worth points at the end of the tutorial.

  You didn't defeat Gobeau though, so it's worth less. ]

  "Okay, where'd you get it?" I asked Chaz. I didn't care that much, because I had a hunch.

  "I looted Sidus," Chaz said, confirming it. "He tricked a bunch of people into giving theirs up."

  Yeah, fuck that guy. "So, we just need Golds?"

  "As many as possible. That's what we're using upgrade keys for. Can I see what everyone's got?"

  We summoned our crates and let Chaz do his thing, planning out the best path to Gold pins. We'd easily get four each, but the rest would have to be silver...

  "Mind if I try trading for the rest?" Chaz asked. "We have plenty of excess Lair crates, and I bet there's people out there with Upgrade Keys to sell."

  "As long as you save some for Raven," Kara said. "I feel kind of bad that she skipped a bunch of Lairs."

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  "Go for it, man," I agreed.

  Chaz agreed. "Will do. You want to open anything else while we're here?"

  "I'll get to that." I summoned a red gift-wrapped crate. "I want to talk about this."

  [ A ZETTAMALL? Welcome Crate! Unlocks once you arrive in your new home! ]

  "I don't know what that means," Chaz said.

  "Yeah, but our bots should." I looked at my hand. "Right?"

  Khan turned into his original form and slithered onto the table. A moment later Snakpak unhooked herself from Lex's back to join him, Yuzumaki appeared, and Deadphones blinked.

  "Some restrictions have been lifted," Khan agreed. "We can elucidate the next volume of your lives, somewhat."

  Deadphones cut in. "It'ss ssimple. We're going to the Zzettamall'ss human ssection. There'ss lotss of sspace there."

  Snakpak spoke next. "You saw it on the tape! You'll get anything you want there, as long as you've got the dough."

  "You'll be provided with the standard starter quarters," Yuzumaki said. "What you do next... well, the world's your oyster."

  I nodded suspiciously. "And how much of this oyster is more dungeon bullshit?"

  The OddBotz looked at each other.

  "If you're finding the Zettamall to your liking so far, I have some great news," Khan said.

  "It could be better," I said carefully.

  "Then I technically have great news!"

  Lex groaned for all of us, except maybe Chaz. "Ugh."

  "She'll be right," Snakpak assured us. "You don't have to run dungeons."

  "If you're lucky," Deadphones added unhelpfully.

  Snakpak glossed over that. "And if you do, well... flog all the Earth relics you stuffed in me, get a job, hire a coach. Easy peasy shoplin squeezy."

  "The four of you have done exceptionally well," Khan assured us. "Some of my previous partners failed to get this far, let alone achieve what you have. You'll do fine."

  "And it's possible to get back to Earth, if we try?"

  Khan paused a little too long. "Yes."

  I sat back and exhaled. The others didn't look pleased either, except maybe Chaz.

  "Well... we've come this far," I said eventually. "Can we just sit on our crates until then?"

  "You may," Khan agreed.

  I stood. "Then I'm going to destroy this break room while I have a chance. Who's with me?"

  Chaz hopped to his feet. "Oh, hell yes."

  "Yes please!" Kara said.

  "I'm fine, but I have sledgehammers," Lex offered.

  "See?" Khan said, as Snakpak burped hammers onto the table. "You're doing better already."

  We trashed as much of Gateway as we could get away with, which was all of it. I even helped Kara burn Jerry's posters, even though we knew he was probably watching. Fuck you, buddy.

  While Chaz did some last-minute wheeling and dealing, I searched for the remaining boss essences.

  [ < Essence: Shard of Eythendar [Boss] >

  +4 Endurance, +4 Physical Resistance, +4 Fire Resistance, [+8 Free], Power: Chlorophyte Body ]

  [ Power: Chlorophyte Body

  Gain large buffs to all defense stats in proportion to your level, at the expense of Speed. ]

  [ < Essence: Mallbatz Mutate [Boss] >

  +8 Adaptability, +4 Potential Growth, [+8 Free], Power: Downshift Technology ]

  [ Power: Downshift

  You may glitch out items you obtain, changing their bonuses or powers. This has a high chance of degrading them in stats, quality, or longevity. ]

  After a little thought, I emptied my Lunchbox and threw the Mallbatz essence in there. I was locked into Speed already anyway.

  After that, all there was left to do was head to the bus terminal.

  It had changed once again. Now the entire thing had been replaced with what looked like a spacious subway platform, with the words "NG_Brockdale-24" stencilled on the wall and a force field blocking the tracks. Zettamall advertisements played on the screens above us.

  At the far end sat the altar, which looked distressingly like a grinning Zeddie with outstretched hands for taking crates and an open ventriloquist-dummy mouth for dispensing them. I tried to ignore it.

  We gathered an hour in advance, to set up our pins. In the end Chaz managed to score Gold pins for every Lair we'd faced, not counting the time we'd watched Raven clear one and sniped exactly one mallbat. Nobody else had new loot, though Lex had managed to steal some dead guy's motorcycle and was resolutely trying to take it with her.

  With our final task done, I did my best to sit there and relax as the crowds gathered. I mostly sat there and jiggled my leg, but I got it half right.

  Finally, the screens went dark. An overly dramatic rendition of Zeddie's theme played. The lights dimmed and a shutter rolled shut, sealing the mall. Brockdale would be dismantled now. I knew we weren't on Earth any more, but now it felt official.

  Zeddie appeared above the tracks.

  "Hello, customers! We sure had a lot of fun, didn't we? But now it's officially over. That boring old Earth mall? Forget about it! Soon the Zettarail will be here to bring you to your new home! While we wait, why don't we look at that leaderboard?"

  A Lair clear-style leaderboard appeared. This one ranked all 1,162 abductees, and 800 were dead, so there was some scrolling involved. Cheesy muzak played as it blurred past those, past Troy and the cargo cult and a handful of others—they were listed as Special Clears—and finally, listed the living.

  The list slowed down as it reached the end. Everyone I was familiar with—the teens, Harmony's party, Cosmo's—was in the top twenty. Lex, Chaz, and Kara were in seventh to fifth place, right behind Cosmo. The top three...

  [ 3. VVVVVV and Mall Minotaur

  2. GrindSetBonus and Mall Monarch

  1. WillT and Khan Zoomer ]

  "A big round of applause for you all!" Zeddie summoned six extra hands and clapped with all of them. "You've all done well... but some of you have done more well than others!"

  His hands started waving and pointing. "As a special treat, the top fifty will be offered a choice of unique items by the creators of their OddBotz. Most of you will receive Rare-quality items. Twentieth to fourth place will receive Epic-quality items. As for our top three VIPs..."

  Three OddBotz-style trading cards appeared in my vision, edges blazing orange. Each depicted an item.

  "Holy shit!" Val shouted further down the platform.

  [ < Prawnden >

  The royal vehicle of the King of the Food Court. It'll get you where you want to go faster than any Earth car, and you can also turn it into a barbeque for cooking! Once per month, you can use it to turn an Essence into a buffing feast—even one you've already consumed. ]

  [ < The Roundest Table >

  The Food Court's feast table. This item will give you a head start on your party's first base, granting you the unique Round Table room and one other free room of your choice. ]

  [ < Snackiburn, the Smorgasword >

  The blade of the Food Court's rightful ruler. When you wield or train with it, your Might stats will rise three times as quickly. You can permanently transfer an Essence into this sword, retaining its benefit as long as you carry it on your person. ]

  Free Essence swapping, a free Essence slot, whatever the Round Table did...

  I read the options to the others. "What do you think?"

  "I don't think there's a wrong answer, bro," Chaz said.

  I gave it some thought. Surprisingly though, I didn't actually have to think about it that much.

  "Then I'm taking the table," I decided. I could swap Essences anyway with money, and I could lose a sword. Besides... "It sounds like it'll help the party."

  "You sure?" Kara asked. "I wouldn't mind having a barbie..."

  I smiled. "Whatever comes next, I wanna do it with you guys."

  "In that case..." Chaz made his choice. "It offered me a room too. Let's do it!"

  "Me too," Lex said.

  "Wait, you don't have to give up on your other stuff—" I began.

  "Too late, me three," Kara said. "We're having a moment, Will. Don't ruin it."

  Most of the rest of the top fifty were summoning items. Not far from us, Baz watched a second Udon Quixote leg replace their missing one in a crackle of lightning and smiled.

  "Well, that's that," Zeddie said with a smile. "Without further adoing..."

  A high-speed maglev train dispersed Zeddie's hologram and slid to a stop in front of us.

  I wondered how many of us would be okay. I wondered how many we'd ever see again.

  The train roared away, through the darkness.

  My leg jiggled nervously as I tried to get comfortable. Space wasn't the problem. There was plenty of room in the train. The people hugging their legs, whimpering, or otherwise losing their shit were far away from me.

  There were plenty of screens, too. Zeddie appeared on them, broadcasting a hundred copies of his face to us. Some of them were weirdly close.

  "And away we go! Don't worry, customers—we'll be seeing plenty of each other in the future. We're only twenty thousand kilometres from your new home, or just over two hours! In the meantime, why not sit back, relax and enjoy these advertisements?"

  Zeddie disappeared, replaced by a low-polygon render of a gun.

  "Ever wanted to kill someone?" a voiceover began.

  I couldn't hold it in any more. "Why?"

  "Lots of reasons could apply," the voice replied. "No judgement here."

  "Not that," I said, too worked up to ask why I was talking the commercial. "Why are we here?"

  Little breaths were taken around the train car. Everyone was thinking something similar.

  The advertisement went silent for a while, then dark. Zeddie came back.

  "What do you mean, valued customer?"

  Faced with a man who I knew could turn me into an ornamental lamp, I briefly faltered. "This seems like a lot of effort. Why did you take us?"

  Zeddie blinked for a moment before understanding dawned. "Oh, I see! It's actually quite simple. It's good when the number goes up."

  "...What?"

  Zeddie mulled his response over. The darkness rushed by outside.

  Then he spoke. "Four star systems away, there is a ruin."

  I wasn't sure what to say. "Okay?"

  "The ruin is at least two point five million years old," Zeddie continued. "It's been too long to be sure. Without advanced satellite imagery, you might not even notice it's there. We know next to nothing about their culture, their science, their people. All of it lost, eroded to nothing by the winds of time. Only through the shape of the ruin can we know they were ever there. The only mark they left on the universe... is that the number of ruins in it went up."

  On some screens, he spread his hands. On others, he laughed.

  "Few things in this universe truly last. Ink fades. Bodies rot. Cities crumble. Only the numbers are constant! Everything, everything is reducible to numbers and the single, sublime act of their incrementation. The years rise, the memories fade. Nothing remains but the score."

  I stayed silent. My chest tightened. Lex looked ill. Even Chaz seemed worried now.

  The darkness ended.

  We were rushing through a glass tube now, atop a mountain-sized wall on the edge of the ringworld. On one side, unfamiliar stars twinkled. On the other, an entire continent stretched away further than I could see. It was surrounded by shallow seas, blanketed in forests. The parts closest to us blurred past at thousands of kilometres an hour. Further away, a city-sized billboard on a distant mountain read "GROGULOX LUNAR COLA: I'M OVER THE MOON!"

  Zeddie's holographic head projected itself outside the train, bigger than the mall, hands spread wide to take it all in.

  "And so I brought you to this, my temple of numbers. No longer will you be shackled to the wall of the cave you thought a world. Here the numbers are everything, and you can make them go up by your own hand! Raise your level! Earn Funbucks! Collect loot! Slay your foes! Lose your allies! Spend my money! Enjoy this free six-pack of Grogulox Moon Dust Mix plus fifty percent off your next Grogulox purchase, select flavours only! And eons from now, when you've had your fun and everyone you know has scaled that black staircase, we will say: look! Here lies our valued customer! Here lie his achievements! His statistics! The revenue he generated! He was more than a speck of dust on a forgotten world, itself a speck within a speck in this bleak universe! Here are his numbers, and he made them go up!"

  Zeddie's grin glitched and shuddered, straining against the bounds of its human mask. Why did I ever think of this thing as a man?

  "So, valued customers, thank you for visiting the ZETTAMALL?. Welcome to the new world, baby."

  The train went faster, one amongst many, taking humanity towards a sponsored future.

  [ End of Volume 1 ]

  Level: 5 EXP: 554/700

  Type: Sol-Human Job: TBD (place your bets now, folks)

  Bot: Khan Zoomer (Epic Lightning Aug-Bot / Wizard's Treats)

  Powers:

  Consume: Devour the essences of defeated enemies for bonuses. (via Khan)

  Maglopic Blast: Shoot blasts of "kobalophasic energy" from his cybernetic hand. (via Xorka, Shoplin Warlock [Miniboss])

  In-Aisle Skates: Conjure some wheels on his feet for a Speed boost. (via Borklevore, Shopping Worg [Miniboss])

  Blood Bind: Trade 10% of max HP to grant an ally the bot-improving [Bound By Blood] buff. (via Baron Vance, Vampire Noble [Boss])

  Might: 4 Finesse: 4 Brains: 5

  (Current substat changes, including Khan:)

  Health: 10 (maximum lowered from 20 by Blood Bind)

  Funbucks: $1,448

  Gear:

  Confused Husband Cratepopper Bow (Rare, shoot crates to make them drop ammunition), Contrasht Nostalgic VHS Player (plus various tapes with extremely minor bonuses), DarkSpire Occultech Series Gamma Crowbar (Epic, double damage against Expired), DarkSpire Occultech Series Lambda Emergency Axe (Speed Freak) (Epic, damage increases with Speed, doubles Speed bonuses at low HP), Doom Kitchen Stabchop (Rare, activate [Shopping Rush] for double attack speed for five minutes every hour), Wizard's Treats "King's Breakfast" Lunch Box (stores an Essence for later), Glamthings (Glow when various enemies are near), plus some miscellaneous minor items

  Level: 5 EXP: 539/700

  Type: Sol-Human Job: TBD

  Bot: Yuzumaki (Rare Wind Holo-Bot / Contrasht)

  Powers:

  Ninja Vanish: Turn invisible for a minute. (Boosted from 30 seconds by an item)

  Throwing Slices: Summon and throw sharpened slices of citrus fruit. (Given an Accuracy boost by an item)

  Might: 4 Finesse: 5 Brains: 4

  (Khan alleged that other people's OddBotz increase their stat bonuses on their own but Will hasn't examined that. This is just what Chaz was stated to have.)

  Health: 22 (maximum raised by item)

  Funbucks: $1,033

  Gear:

  Blackguardz Killmax 29s (Sneakers that muffle footsteps), Moist Oni "Shinobu" Ninjato and Sheath (Epic, sword boosts Dodge on hit and lets you draw it The Cool Way), Popdroid Ninja Fruits (Yuzumaki boosts his Slices, Suikatana improves Ninja Vanish, Sakurambo doubles one OddBot stat bonus (Chaz chose Dodge), Ringo Quasar makes Contrasht drops more likely, Johnny Grapes adds +2 HP, and the whole set makes Yuzumaki Rare. He also has a Glow in the Dark Variant Yuzumaki that can count as any Ninja Fruit, but he got all of them), Quest Quaffers Sword Masters RPG 27th Edition Game Book (+6 Sword Expertise)

  Level: 5 EXP: 539/700

  Type: Sol-Human Job: TBD

  Bot: Darkphones (Rare Dark Wear-Bot / .CYBERCULT)

  Powers:

  Darksynth: Adds bonus damage to attacks.

  Dead Beats: Get a song stuck in an opponent's head so they can become temporary Expired later

  Might: 4 Finesse: 5 Brains: 4

  (again, substats have probably gotten higher offscreen)

  Health: 20

  Funbucks: $1,073

  Gear:

  .CYBERCULT Brand Pin (Rare, increased .CYBERCULT drops from crates), .CYBERCULT Brand Shirt (same thing), .CYBERCULT Charge Jacket (Rare, adds lightning damage to attacks and charges devices placed in the pockets), .CYBERCULT Doomscroll Case (Rare, access the official .CYBERCULT app and get a different free spell daily), .CYBERCULT Purpose Pocket (Epic, reach into the pocket to pull out a useful mundane item, recharged between uses), .CYBERCULT Shielding Tech Bracelet (Epic, conjure a weak personal shield from her arm), Hose Feratu Wristdrinker Sleeves (Rare, drain Health on hit), Slurp Nurse Chemical Compound (Rare, bow that can turn potions into arrows)

  Level: 5 EXP: 534/700

  Type: Sol-Human Job: TBD

  Bot: Snakpak (Rare Water Wear-Bot / Mister Sportsball)

  Powers:

  Bak Sak: Backpack contains a warehouse-sized subspace, stores anything you can fit in the bag's mouth

  Smak Rak: Conjure a shield that absorbs a bunch of ranged attacks before shattering (every 30 seconds or so)

  Might: 5 Finesse: 5 Brains: 4

  Health: 20

  Funbucks: $933

  Gear:

  Final/Girl Getaway Wind Jacket (Rare, fade out of sight when standing still), Final/Girl Survivor's Leggings (Dodge increases with damage taken), Mister Sportsball D4/16 Chess Crossbow (Rare, replenishes up to 16 bolts daily), Mister Sportsball Dark Neonraptors (Epic, sneakers can walk on walls for a total of 30 minutes/day), Mister Sportsball "Mister Bottle" Potion Flask (Epic, keep a potion inside and gain its effect once an hour), WARCRIMES Dropship Bolts (Rare, teleports wielder to the bolt's landing point or swaps places with targeted enemy, ~8 bolts left), plus a bunch of ammo bought from Gronk