[ ZETTACHAT > Bippity Boppity It's Time To Shoppity ]

  #general-chat | Keeping in touch, cries for help

  SkullGirl33 Today at 9:01 PM

  Hi everyone! I'm Kara!

  How about we start with a status report? I'll go first!

  We're at Gateway! 40+ survivors, we cleared out the plaza but haven't gone upstairs.

  Junji Burrito Today at 9:02 PM

  Shibuya Brain Pop, west level 2, 3 survivors. Fine for now, low on food.

  covid spreader Today at 9:02 PM

  Fallout Boys, w 3, 8 survivors.

  hentai_feet.mp4 Today at 9:02 PM

  Bullseye, E 3, 42.

  maxbasedvapegod Today at 9:02 PM

  ANY HOTTIES IN HERE?

  Leah Today at 9:02 PM

  :wave:

  Sacred Grounds, center 2, 6 survivors. Trying to clear to the food court but the escalators are missing.

  burger haven wifi Today at 9:02 PM

  Top food court, could be 150 survivors? Most of the shops are fine.

  More shoplins keep turning up. We made barricades.

  Jizz Luigi Today at 9:02 PM

  Stuck in the shitter near Viet Noms. Anyone nearby?

  covid spreader Today at 9:02 PM

  We'll try to get you out :-)

  Zyzzy Today at 9:02 PM

  In Your Creams, Level 3 Food Court, 7 Survivors. We're building barricades.

  burger haven wifi Today at 9:03 PM

  Uh, yeah, I mentioned that?

  Zyzzy Today at 9:03 PM

  Good thing I wasn't talking about the food court, asshole.

  burger haven wifi Today at 9:03 PM

  Uh...

  Leah Today at 9:03 PM

  Okay, a bunch of zombies turned up while we were out and ruined our progress. FML

  Junji Burrito Today at 9:03 PM

  Here too!

  SkullGirl33 Today at 9:03 PM

  Wait.

  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

  Chaz peered through the staff door. "Crap, you're right. Have you seen Sweet Home?"

  I joined him. "Why?"

  The sky had darkened. Under the glow of the mall lights, a group of corpses were shambling around in unnatural, jerking motions, eyes glowing orange but staring at nothing. I counted around twenty. Each one had an icon of a hand bursting from the ground by its health bar instead of a goblin head.

  [ EXPIRED, Lvl. 2 ]

  The others joined us. They didn't like what they saw either.

  "Holy shit," Val said.

  I looked at Chaz. "Why was Sweet Home your first thought?"

  "I didn't know if you've seen All of Us Are Dead."

  "The zombie movie? ...Sweet Home doesn't have zombies!"

  "Then what am I thinking of?"

  "I don't know. Have you seen Train to Busan?"

  Kara butted in. "What's wrong with you guys?! There's zombies outside! Focus!"

  "Sorry," Chaz said. "So where'd they come from?"

  I already knew the answer. "Level Two. I see Games Warlock uniforms in the back."

  Chaz focused. "Wait, they got the Warlock guys? Nooo!"

  Kara grabbed her spear. "You wanna take care of them?"

  I let my hand turn into a claw and flexed it. "It could be a good time to try our new powers..."

  Val grinned. "Then I'm coming! Check this out!"

  She'd come out of the OddBotz store with a black-and-white letterman jacket. It had a Zettamall Z on the front, a labrys on one arm, and a logo of a ball with nine eyes on the other, all in gold trim.

  When she focused, a hologram of a minotaur's upper body burst from her back and loomed over her like a guardian angel. It was wearing a labrys on a gold chain, a baseball cap with horn-holes, and shades.

  As we stared, the details popped up in a window in front of us. Apparently you could share them outside your party if you wanted to.

  [ < MALL MINOTAUR >

  Limited Epic Earth Wear-Bot — Mister Sportsball

  Powers: [Bull's Brawn], [Maze Expansion]

  The lord of the ancient Mallabyrinth has been freed from his lair, and now roams the ZETTAMALL? in search of new sales to conquer. He'll lend his strength to your cause, too. He's chill like that. ]

  Kara stared. "Wow!"

  Val flexed. "He's one of the Limited Edition guys. Just wait until you see my power!"

  I gave her a thumbs-up. "Nice. What's he do?"

  "No, seriously, wait," Val said. "I wanna show you, not tell you. It's gonna be awesome."

  "We won't let you down, brah," Mall Minotaur said.

  Khan Zoomer formed himself out of my arm. "Ah, it's always good to meet a fellow regent! This one's powerful indeed, Will."

  "Right back at you, kingski," Mall Minotaur said. They fist-bumped.

  "We're saving Joe for later too," Val added.

  I turned to Joe. I'd politely ignored it for a while, but it was time to face the elephant in the room: since returning from the OddBotz store, he'd had a TV for a head. It was rounded and purple, and on the screen was a shitty 3D model of his actual head. He looked like he'd somehow caught the Y2K virus.

  "...I've been meaning to ask, but does that come off?" I asked.

  "Yeah," he signed. The TV gave him subtitles. "I'm fine. It feels like part of my body."

  The TV waved one of the bendy robotic arms it had curled around Joe's shoulders. The screen briefly changed to a smiling emoticon.

  [ < HED TELLY >

  Rare Electric Wear-Bot — Janka Robotics

  Powers: [Channel X], [Hedflix]

  This renegade robot is wanted for broadcasting crimes in far corners of the ZETTAMALL?, but as long as he's by your side, they'll never catch him! ]

  Val nudged him playfully. "This guy dropped a grand and he didn't even pick the limited option."

  "I liked this guy's powers more," Joe signed.

  I looked at the other survivors, who had gathered around the other OddBotz owners. There were five that I wasn't familiar with. "How about them? Any idea what bots they have?"

  The others shook their head.

  Stolen story; please report.

  "Then I'm gonna see what we're working with." I stepped back towards the other survivors. "Excuse me, everyone, can we have your attention please? I—"

  The customer service desk was within earshot of the staff door, and Troy had been eavesdropping. He popped up like an evil jack-in-the-box and slapped the microphone button before I could finish.

  "Excuse me, everybody, but there are zombies outside. If anyone has a robot and wants to step up, could you please show it to us?"

  "Goddamnit, dude..."

  The other survivors were happy to share their OddBot's stats with us, or at least explain them. They chose OddBotz with safe, straightforward powers: a weird-looking squid that turned into a cutlass, robot claws, butterfly-like holograms that could act like a shield. Nothing game-changing, but every little bit helped. Max had brass knuckles now, but he'd fallen asleep.

  In the back, a short man with a bushy beard and glasses raised his hand. I vaguely remembered him as a patient from the medical center.

  "Hi. I'm Cosmo, and I can shoot juice?"

  "... Could you elaborate?"

  Cosmo raised his left arm. A techno-organic device popped out of a hatch on his forearm, and unfolded into a larger, much more complicated blaster cannon. The cannon hummed, the barrel glowed, and...

  ...A thin stream of juice splashed into the wall.

  [ < MANGOTRON >

  Uncommon Water Aug-Bot — Slurp Nurse

  Powers: [Fruit Punch], [Pulp Beam]

  This fruit warrior almost perished in a tropical war, but we retrieved his remains. Thanks to Slurp Nurse's patented Technology?, he's been rebuilt into a potent cybernetic soldier! ]

  Kara stared. "Was that mango?"

  Cosmo counted on his fingers. "I also have orange... apple... apple-mango... tropical... oh, and I can do a nice acai juice."

  I thought about it. "Is it harmful?"

  "No, it's organic."

  "Could you fire it at enemies?"

  "Maybe I could aim for their eyes?"

  "Sounds good. Kara?"

  Kara nodded. "Okay, let's go. This way!"

  Now that the bottle shop was secure, we could enter it via the shutter. Red and Baz were watching its glass entrance for survivors. The zombies were shambling aimlessly in front of Gateway.

  I ushered the other bot owners in and closed the shutter behind us. "Try to leave quickly, so they can't get in here!"

  "And spread out," Troy added. He'd insisted on coming with us and firing from the doorway, to gather more experience. Unfortunately, we need all the help we could get.

  He'd figured out what I was going for, at least. The door and most of the wall were made of glass, and if we stayed close the zombies might smash it. A gate with a hole in it was just a sparkling arch.

  Kara unlocked the doors and jumped out first, followed by the more eager survivors. An unlucky zombie that had wandered nearby got a spear to the face within seconds.

  [ You have defeated an Expired! ]

  [ +1 EXP! ]

  The rest of the zombies turned towards the noise, roared, and started stumbling our way. "Graah!"

  Time to get to work.

  As Troy fired his bow, Chaz summoned razor-sharp slices of fruit between his fingers and used them like throwing stars. His aim was terrible, but it wasn't like they were dodging. A few landed in bloodless flesh and knocked hefty chunks off their health bars.

  The rest of us followed. I stopped the first one in its tracks with my shield, then slammed my wrench into its head. Its health plummeted, but it hung on.

  Another Expired rushed in to support its buddy. They grabbed at me with no regard for their own safety, pawing at my arms as they tried to pull my gear off.

  "Shit!"

  "Graagh!"

  Kara's voice came up behind me. "Deadphones, use Darksynth!"

  Her spear whirled past me and pierced the zombie grabbing my wrench arm. Her power added extra damage to her attacks; there was a burst of purple energy, and it collapsed to the floor in a single hit.

  I shield-bashed the other one away. "Thanks!"

  "You don't have to ssay the name," Deadphones said, purple light radiating from its eyes. "It'ss alwayss on."

  "But I've always wanted to call my attacks!"

  Expired were spreading out around us, but we had the numbers to cut them down. I focused on defense, shoving zombies away and breaking up groups so the others could finish them off.

  They wouldn't stop attacking for anything, so it was tough going. One of them managed to get its fingers in my shopping-trolley shield and almost yanked my arm off.

  "Graaah!"

  "Hey!" I slapped it with my wrench. "Don't you graah me!"

  Val leapt in from the side, bat raised. "I got it!"

  WHAM!

  She hit it like a truck. The Expired's feet left the floor as it flew backwards and bounced away.

  "Holy—!"

  "Bull's Brawn!" Val said, flexing. "Told you it'd be—"

  Another Expired grabbed her arm and unhinged its jaws. "Graah!"

  "Shit!"

  "Hey!" I raised my metal arm. Khan hadn't showed me how my new power worked yet, but watching him stretch out of my shoulder like a rubber pet had given me an idea.

  My arm telescoped out and smashed the Expired in the face. It wasn't that hard, but it stopped the Expired long enough for Val to whip around and smash it to the floor.

  "Thanks!"

  "Go help the others!"

  We slashed and swiped and pierced, taking down Expired as quickly as possible. This started as a desire to test our new skills, but the zombies were actually freakier than expected up close, and now we just wanted to get away from the fucking things.

  "Agh! You creepy fucks!"

  "Die! Die! Die!"

  A minute later, the last one took a spear to the chest.

  [ Hic Zetta Est

  Defeat 13 Expired.

  Reward: +$50

  Zettae Memoriae

  Defeat an Expired of someone you'd interacted with before entering the ZETTAMALL?.

  Reward: +1 Random Brand Crate ]

  I looked around. I didn't see any (new) dead, but people were bruised and bleeding.

  "Everyone alright?" I asked.

  "I think one bit me," Kara said casually, raising her arm. Blood gushed from a bite wound.

  "Jesus!"

  "It might be fine," Chaz said quickly, because he'd seen a few people reach for their weapons. "We don't know if that'll turn her into a zombie yet."

  "If you guys are finished," Kara said loudly, "I'm not turning into anything. I just got a debuff. The message says..."

  [ You've received a Death Discount!

  Healing reduced by 25% for 24 hours! This effect stacks. ]

  The group relaxed. Seeing someone get turned into a zombie by a real-life video game mechanic was probably a little too much for our minds right now.

  "Well, just don't get bitten again," I said. "Should be easy, since there's no more—"

  Laughter rippled out from above us.

  I turned around. A shoplin was standing on the escalators to Level Two, letting the down escalator carry him past us with the kind of smug grin customers get when they think they can get someone fired.

  [ SHOPLIN EXPIROMANCER, Lvl. 3 ]

  This one was different: he had a hi-vis vest, a black polo with a baseball cap, and one of the shittiest mullets I'd ever seen. In one hand he held an old-school coupon book, and in the other he held a set of freshly-ripped coupons. They were glowing.

  [ The Shoplin Expiromancer has redeemed Expired Coupons! ]

  Orange eyes glowed anew around us. I jumped back as an Expired on the floor swiped at my ankle.

  "Shit!"

  "Graah!"

  The Expired began stumbling upright. The beatdown we'd handed them had broken a few bones, but even that wasn't stopping them.

  Val reacted first, smacking the nearest one down before it could finish getting up. The others soon followed her in a panic.

  I started towards the escalator. "You piece of—"

  That was a mistake. An Expired with a broken knee lunged with its hands instead of standing, and its teeth sank into my leg.

  "GRAAAH!"

  "AAAH!"

  [ You've received a Death Discount!

  Healing reduced by 25% for 24 hours! This effect stacks. ]

  Kara speared it in the neck. "Hyah!"

  [ You have defeated an Expired! Again! ]

  We didn't get anything for killing the same Expired twice. Great.

  Chaz tried throwing ninja slices at the shoplin, but from down here he just hit the escalator's glass walls. The Expiromancer smirked, bounded over the rail to the up escalator, and ran away before we could try again.

  ...That little shit.

  The Expired roared and charged.

  Their injuries made their movements slower and jankier, so we weren't in mortal danger. But this wasn't really a fight—it was a trap.

  I shouted a warning. "This prick just wants us to take bites! Be careful!"

  "Got it!" Val said. She immediately switched to hunting heads, and the first Expired to approach her was cracked in the jaw hard enough to send it tumbling away.

  Kara stayed with me for a moment to make sure I was okay. "What do we do?"

  I didn't think too hard. The Expiromancer wanted us to stay here, fight zombies, and stack debuffs. If there was anything dealing with customers and people like Troy taught me, it was this:

  When someone else's plan depended on you doing something, do literally anything else.

  "Come with me!"

  "Got it!"

  "I'm coming too!" Chaz said, and vanished in a puff of citrus-scented smoke. I knew enough about Yuzumaki to not question it.

  We let the others handle the undead and circled back to the base of the escalators. The Expiromancer was standing on the upper end, having a cheeky smoke.

  A few Expired slipped through the others and shambled after us, so Kara stayed behind to fend them off. Chaz was still missing. I charged to stall for time anyway. The escalators were the walkway type, so if I was fast, maybe I could make it...

  "Hey, jackass!" I shouted.

  The startled Expiromancer almost choked on his cigarette as he scrambled to prepare himself.

  I threw my wrench as I closed the distance. He stepped back to dodge it easily and produced a new weapon: a gnarled wooden stick with what looked like scrap metal bolted to it.

  A light bulb screwed onto the end glowed purple, and a blast of black energy roared at me.

  I threw myself sideways. This would have been a much better tactic were I not on an escalator, which famously lacked room for dramatic leaps. What actually happened was that I threw myself into a handrail and the blast clipped my side, instantly wiping out half my health. More importantly, it hurt like hell.

  I tripped and fell. "GAAH!"

  The Expiromancer smirked, raised his stick, and—

  "Hey," Chaz said.

  Ninja Vanish was a simple power: according to Chaz, it made him invisible for about half a minute. It wasn't much, but it was enough time to hustle up the adjacent escalator and line up some throwing slices from point-blank range.

  A slice hit him the shoplin the eye with a satisfying thock sound. He screamed and clutched his face. I winced—it was citrus, too.

  Chaz reached across the handrails to help me up. "I got you!"

  The Expiromancer scowled, threw the book away, and raised his staff. I could hear the fight winding down behind me, and I knew he could too. It was a good time to run, but he wasn't letting us go that easily.

  He lined up his revenge shot. The bulb hummed. "Heh heh heh..."

  I tensed. My shield was made of holes, but if I was lucky I could soak another hit...

  A wall of shimmering blue hexagons roared into life in front of the Expiromancer just as he fired. The energy blast splashed harmlessly against it.

  "...Kree?"

  We were just as surprised as he was. "Uh?"

  As we gawked, a hand reached out from behind the Expiromancer and picked him up by the back of his collar.

  "KREE—urk!"

  Lex wound her arm back, stepped forward, and flung him as hard as she could.

  "Hyaah!"

  The shoplin flew towards me. "EEEEEEEE!"

  If I had a finisher, I would have ended it there. Since I didn't, I made him someone else's problem.

  I telescoped my hand out, grabbed the Expiromancer's shirt, then turned while retracting as fast as I could. The execution was a little sloppy, but I still flung the shoplin the rest of the way down.

  "EEEEEEE!"

  The fight downstairs was over. The others were coming to get me when they saw the unlucky shoplin hurtling toward them.

  Kara grinned and raised her spear. "Sorry!"

  The Expiromancer's panicked parabola ended on Kara's spear. A moment later, Val's bat sent it on a straight line to the floor.

  Cosmo got him with a stream of acai, just in case.

  [ You have defeated an Expiromancer! ]

  [ +1 EXP! +$20! ]

  [ Redime Hoc, Caput Stercus

  Defeat an Expiromancer.

  Reward: +1 WARCRIMES Bronze Sponsor Crate ]