"Good choice!" Zeddie said, as I dismissed my notifications. "The ones you didn't choose will be returned to the pool for future customers. I'll give you a few minutes to get acquainted."

  He disappeared, and the box opened itself.

  The robot inside glowed and expanded, spilling onto the floor as he outgrew the packaging. Soon he was rising in front of me.

  Khan Zoomer had a snakelike body, thicker than my arm and twice as long. His head was mostly mouth, surrounded by claws; a paper crown that looked like something a burger joint would give to kids hung awkwardly from a finger.

  He had two long, clawed arms, and his body bent at crooked angles below them to give the appearance of a torso. He was holding a large hamburger.

  He didn't have eyes, but he looked up at me expectantly.

  "...Hey," I said.

  "Well, hello there," Khan said, pulling himself up to offer a handshake. He sounded like an American trying to do an impression of an English person. "You have chosen wisely! Khan Zoomer, at your service."

  I shook his claw carefully. "So... how does this work?"

  Khan coiled. Electricity crackled for a moment before he shot out towards me, wrapping around my leg and sliding up my torso. He lifted my left arm and coiled around it, resting his torso on my hand like he was reclining on a throne. The whole thing only took a second.

  "You see," he continued, "we OddBotz come in four flavours. Holo-Botz are holograms. Wear-Botz are items. Help-Botz have a physical body. As an Aug-Bot, I augment yours."

  I looked at his body. No part of my body would accept a worm that size. "...Uh, how?"

  Khan took a bite of his burger. The inside of his mouth was red and wet, and his teeth were big and round. There were gums. I had questions about what Zeddie thought a robot was.

  "I am quite majestic, aren't I? Not to worry, the Zettamall takes care of that. Are you right-handed, by the way?"

  "Yes?..."

  Khan Zoomer devoured the rest of the burger in one chomp, rose into the air, turned, dived towards my left hand...

  ...and zoomed inside it, sliding into my palm like it was a portal. He disappeared before I could react, leaving the shitty paper crown rolling on the floor.

  "What are y—"

  Electricity arced out of my hand. My arm went rigid, numb.

  "hhhhng!"

  It didn't hurt, exactly, but it felt wrong, like something was squirming under my skin. I couldn't move. My jaw clenched.

  A ring of lightning appeared at my fingertips and rolled down my arm. Where it passed, my skin was replaced by black metal. The words "WIZARD'S TREATS" were stamped along my forearm in white.

  The transformation ended at my shoulder. As soon as it was complete, a rubbery, flesh-coloured liquid burst from the back of my hand, surrounded my arm, and tightened with a glorp noise.

  The electricity ceased. I could move again.

  I looked at my arm, flexed my hand. It looked and felt exactly the same as before—better, even. A tiny scar on my finger from a lawn-bowling accident was gone.

  Then my palm split and opened, revealing Khan Zoomer's maw.

  "Jesus!"

  "Just me," Khan said. "Your arm is now biological territory of the Fast Food Empire. You're welcome."

  I flexed my fingers. On the one hand, apparently Zeddie could have my arm swapped for a cybernetic prosthetic against my will with the ease of someone giving a terrible Secret Santa gift. On the other, a part of me was mildly ashamed to think this was cool.

  "So, uh, can this arm do anything?" I asked.

  "We'll get into the details later," Khan said, "but here's the short version. First, I can do this."

  My synthetic flesh retracted, and my metal hand shifted into a claw. Khan took control of my arm, which telescoped across the room like I was Inspector Gadget.

  The arm looped back around, and the claw warped into Khan's upper body. He hung upside-down in front of me.

  "Second... once you defeat an enemy, you'll be offered a chance to consume their essence for power. I can explain more once an opponent lies at your feet."

  I just nodded. "Alright. Uh... I'm looking forward to working with you?"

  "As am I. I'll be here if you need me."

  My arm whirled back to its normal length like a loose seatbelt, and Khan vanished.

  Other people had returned to the store ahead of me. Some had flashy new gear, some were being followed by robots or weird holograms, and some had obvious cybernetic upgrades. People in the crowd peppered them with questions whenever they got a chance.

  Chaz was loitering near my door with Large and Lean; Val's Pals had turned up too. Kara returned just after I did, sporting a new pair of bone-white studio headphones.

  "Hey," Val said. "How'd it go? Anything we should know?"

  "Well..." I explained the rules of OddBotz selection and the card I'd used as quickly as I could.

  "...and now I got this. Meet Khan Zoomer."

  Khan transformed my forearm into his own head and arms. "Good evening."

  The group flinched. "Fuckin' hell," Val said.

  "Dude, that's sick," Lean said.

  "That's sick, dude," Large agreed.

  "Better than sick," Khan said. "I am majestic."

  "He's cute. Does it hurt?" Kara asked.

  "It feels fine, actually."

  Chaz offered Khan a fistbump. "Sugoi, bro."

  "Okay, my turn." Kara tapped her head. "Meet Deadphones."

  The metal cups of her headphones slid back to reveal bulging, bloodshot red eyes. They swiveled to look at us as the audio cable raised and twisted in the air, revealing a wide mouth with long golden teeth at the jack. Kara was in my party, so I could see the details.

  [ < DEADPHONES >

  Epic Dark Wear-Bot — .CYBERCULT

  Powers: [Darksynth], [Dead Beats]

  +4 Accuracy, +4 Hearing, +2 Lucidity, +2 Moxie, +4 Shadowy, +5 Dark Resistance, +5 Electric Resistance

  This semi-lich from the depths of the Bargain Basement has come to the surface in search of the darkest retro jams! ]

  "Hey, what'ss up," Deadphones hissed in a quiet voice like a badly-tuned radio.

  "Just so you know," Kara added, "I spent a thousand Funbucks. That's the max. If you do that, you get offered one of eight limited-edition OddBotz... I turned mine down, though."

  The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  Chaz raised his eyebrows. "Why?"

  "I got this one called Mall Monarch that's best for solo players," Kara said. "But Zeddie gave me a bonus crate as a consolation prize, so I didn't waste my money!"

  "Good choice," I said. Kara was a social butterfly; asking her to work alone was like asking one of those giant deep-sea tube worms to get its arse up here and do your homework.

  "Thanks for the info. 'Scuse us a second." Val pulled her classmates into a huddle.

  "Damn, dude," Lean lamented. "I only got six hundred after all that grinding."

  "Five here," Large said. "This place sucks, dude."

  "We weren't even supposed to be here today."

  "For real? That blows," Kara commiserated. "Did your shift get moved or something?"

  "No, we came from another store to help. We usually do night shift at the Queen's Way Burger Haven," a cashier said.

  Wait a minute...

  "That reminds me," I said. "I got a special offer for putting in four-twenty. An alchemist called Dispensaur."

  The duo froze, their faces as grim as the reaper's.

  "You're serious, right dude?" Lean said.

  I nodded.

  The duo lit up like they'd just seen an angel descending from Heaven, and I was crushed by two hugs at once.

  "Duuude!"

  "Thanks, dude!"

  "Oof!" I patted backs awkwardly. "You're welcome? I think only one of you can get it, though."

  "That's fine," Lean said. "We'll sort it out."

  "We should find the other guys who came with us," Large said.

  "Yeah, we gotta go," Lean said. "If you make it to the food court, look us up and we'll hook you up, alright? Thanks again!"

  I waved as they rushed off.

  Kara turned to me. "What was that about?"

  "I used to work at Queen's Way," I said. "It's open twenty-four hours, and the night shift is a machine that turns drugs into burgers. If our actions influence our bots, they probably would've seen it anyway..."

  Val's huddle put their hands together, then broke up.

  "Alright, we pooled our cash," Val said. "Me'n Joe can put in a grand now, then we help these two get a grand later. There'll be more rounds later, yeah?"

  "Smart," I said. You can trade Funbucks through touch, huh? Good to know.

  "If there's only eight, they might sell out this round," Chaz said. "You might not get a chance next time."

  News of special bonuses and easter eggs were already rippling through the crowd. Earning a thousand Funbucks this early was hard, but borrowing it was easy.

  Baz spoke up for once. "No worries. We still get good stuff, yeah?"

  Chaz rubbed his chin. "I got four-twenty. I don't have to take Dispensaur, right?"

  "I got you, man," I said, placing a hand his shoulder.

  [ You have transferred $100 to Chaz Cruso. (New Total: $0) ]

  "Me too," Kara said, transferring what she had left.

  Chaz whistled. "Are you sure? That's nine hundred..."

  Val glanced at me, then poked Chaz too. "Fine, I can spare a hundo."

  "Yatta!" Chaz made a celebratory fist, then bowed. "You won't regret this!"

  Val looked behind us. "Shit, that's my door. Be right back."

  "Me too," Joe signed.

  "Me three," Chaz said. "I'll go in last, so you can pick first..."

  They left. I looked around. A lot of people had OddBotz, but there was still time...

  "Okay, I'm going to see what else I can find out," I said.

  "Good idea," Red said. "C'mon, Baz."

  "I'm gonna get some Zettachat contacts," Kara said as the teens left.

  "Sounds good." We fistbumped. "Let's go."

  We had some time before everyone made their choice. I roamed the store and eavesdropped on the hurried conversations around me, gathering as much information as I could.

  "Has anyone here been to Viet Noms? My son works there..."

  "Good to see you, dude! Guess what, the boss is dead!"

  "Fuck yeah!"

  "Where'd you end up, sis? Sidus is a fucking creep, so I'm gonna..."

  "If anyone's near Kevin's Gospel Pianos..."

  "Oh, there's an achievement for..."

  Most survivors were in a similar situation to us, gathered up in easily-defensible anchor stores. The barriers had sealed off each plaza. Zeddie had turned a rude fast food manager into a restaurant mascot.

  A green-haired man who had started in the car park had seen the furry things too. "The little guys ride them or something, man. I'm not going back out there..."

  In one corner, people were gathered around a cashier. From what I could gather he worked at a sportswear store by the main entrance, and he'd managed to see outside the mall through a window. Now he was sitting against the wall and rocking back and forth, while people tried to extract information from him.

  "Th-the sky is wrong... and the mall, the mall, it's too big..."

  "How did the mall get bigger?" a bystander asked.

  "Not, not this one. Th-the other one... it's too big..."

  Before I could get anything else, someone tapped my shoulder.

  "Hey, mate. You from the Gateway downstairs?"

  I turned around and slightly upward. The woman behind me was tall and fit, with a long black ponytail and a surprisingly nervous expression for someone who could definitely knock me out. She was dressed for the gym, with black leggings, a cropped windbreaker with FINAL/GIRL stamped on it, and a backpack; judging from the bloodstains, murderous shoplins had given her a hell of a workout.

  "Yeah, I am," I said. "We've got plenty of survivors down here. You?"

  "Level Two," she said, and offered a hand. "Ah, I'm Lex."

  "Will." I guessed what the nervous energy was about. "You need a safe house? We've got plenty of room."

  She relaxed a little. "That'd be great. I'm a bit stuck right now, but I think I can run there tonight."

  "Go to the bottle shop and knock on the shutter," I said. "We'll let you in. Is it just you?"

  Lex winced. "...Yeah. I was in the car park, and then I got trapped in a store, so I haven't really seen anyone… Sorry."

  I remembered the brief glimpse of Hell we saw when we looked out there. That explained why she looked like someone had put her through the wringer.

  "It's cool. You alright?"

  "I'll be fine," she said, obviously not wanting to talk about it.

  Kara appeared by my side. "Will! I've set up a server, you want in? Oh, hi, I'm Kara."

  "Lex. Youse know each other?"

  "We're both Gateway," I told her, then looked at Kara. "Did you get any bites?"

  "I did!" Kara beamed and showed me her phone. The Zettamall's chat client let her set up her own server, and despite the fact that she'd named it "Bippity Boppity It's Time To Shoppity" she already had sixty members and counting.

  "That was fast."

  "I know, I'm great," Kara said. "Lex, you should join too—oh, hi Chaz."

  "I'm back," Chaz said behind me.

  "How'd it go?" I asked. "Oh, this is Lex. Lex, Chaz."

  "Hey," Chaz said. "Check this out!"

  He tapped his phone, and a hologram appeared: a yellow citrus fruit with an anime character's face, a cool scar, a badass headband, and a slice of radish wrapped around itself like a robe. Juice was dripping from a spiral-like shuriken embedded in its temple, like someone had tried to kill it but missed the vital organs.

  [ < YUZUMAKI >

  Uncommon Wind Holo-Bot — Contrasht

  Powers: [Ninja Vanish], [Throwing Slice]

  +4 Dodge, +2 Courage, +2 Flexibility, +3 Marketing Susceptibility, +3 Speed, +8 Stealth, +5 Wind Resistance

  The most experienced member of the Fruit Ninjas trains new recruits for the war against Demonade. Maybe he can teach you a trick or two! ]

  "This is Yuzumaki," Chaz said proudly. "He gave me ninja powers."

  "Hajimemashite," Yuzumaki said, bowing (okay, rolling forwards) as we waved. "I'll take care of my new apprentice, don't worry."

  I frowned. Uncommon? It feels rude to ask front of the floating lemon, but...

  "Did you spend the thousand Funbucks?"

  Chaz shrugged. "Yeah, but my limited bot would've locked me into being the leader, and that ain't me. I'm following you."

  "I'm not in charge—"

  Chaz ignored me. "The other two were Epic, but their bonuses didn't work for me. Yuzumaki's powers are better. Plus I got a bonus crate. Trust me, bro. I've got a build."

  Kara's eyes narrowed. "And it's not so you can be an anime character?"

  "Zeddie said our actions influence what bots we get, remember?" Chaz said, pretending to adjust a pair of glasses he absolutely did not have. "You think a man of culture like me was only offered one anime?"

  "...Okay, you got me there."

  I let it go. I had no idea how Chaz was already planning a build when we barely knew how this goddamn system worked, but I knew he was the kind of guy who'd actually read up on his secondary stats. Maybe he saw something I didn't.

  At that point, the final few people who'd chosen OddBotz stepped back into the store. Zeddie returned, and cheesy music started to play us out.

  "Well, that about wraps it up! Selection will happen again tomorrow, at noon and eight PM. Tell your friends so they don't miss out! Until then... OddBotz: Be Yourself, Buy Odd!"

  "Thanks," Lex said quickly. "I'll message y—"

  VWORP!

  [ STATUS

  TIME: Day 1, 9:00 PM

  CUSTOMERS: 718/1167

  ODDBOTZ: 130/718 ]