Alright Tom. You've practiced this all the way here. Just wait for your cue and say the line. You only get one shot at this. Should I pose? Maybe one leg up? Ouch, no, even the pain killers didn't save me from that one. How about just fists on waist. A kind of Superman thing. Yes? No? I wish I had Fairy or Inanna here to tell me if this looked stupid. Speaking of, Inanna is calling me.

  "Incoming."

  Oh Space Jesus! I knew those three were going to be tossed in by the shifted gravity through a wall, I just didn't think it would be that fast and violent. Vivvian must have turned it to Eleven. Great, now I forgot what I was going to say. Something about respecting the authority of superior officers? I lost it. All gone. Crap, they are coming to. Just say something Tom. Anything.

  "Well well well. Seems that class is in session and I have three naughty students in detention. Time for teacher to show you what a ruler can do to unruly children."

  "....What?'

  Nice Tom. You spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what to say and that's what you come up with. Too late now, just need to roll with it.

  "I have been forced to watch you three destroy my ship for far too long. I could have ended it at any time. Crush you like the vermin you all are. And the only reason your wretched little lives still persists is but for the grace of my mercy. Pray to me, for I am your God."

  "....What? You on the Star Salt warm blood?"

  "Interjection: Based upon the clear injuries I believe the Captain has taken too many pain relieving narcotics."

  "Dumb men die on feet. Die men talken."

  I get the feeling they aren't respecting me. Hard way it is.

  "Listen, I am going to be very real with all of you. The last three hours and twenty seven minutes have been the worst of my entire life. So excuse me of lacking sufficient patience for your collective bullshit. I am going to give you one single chance to surrender. I promise to go easy on whoever does. Otherwise, you will face the full brunt of my righteous anger."

  Raze cackles. The Ambassador and Knight actually give each other the side eye. I was hoping they would let me do this.

  "Sagaci, send in the Negotiator."

  I can hear the door behind me open. I'd like to look back, but I got to maintain the cool guy persona. Besides, I would hate to miss their faces as the despair sets in. Raze stops mid laugh, his toothy jaw hung open. Dumbfounded. The Harvester is a lot harder to read. Though the Knight physically recoiling and jumping back four meters is pretty telling. As for the Diegiton, the only semblance of expression that thing has is the LED eyes. Which are currently making a giant X.

  "Ambassador, Knight, Shit head, allow me to introduce you all to the negotiator. Scourge of the galaxy. A creature you all know very well. The one thing the Diegiton were never able to counter. The one thing the Harvesters could never adapt to. The one animal the Rackter are too afraid to hunt. Weighing in at six metric tons with acid for blood and a close personal friend. The one and only Kyltaniun Acid Monster. I call him Snuffles"

  Yeah, I had that face too the first time I saw one. And that was just a guy in a suit. Nothing like the real thing. A dozen eyes. Acidic spit dripping across the floor from a jagged maw full of serrated teeth. Six thick powerful legs with claws sharp enough to slice solid neotanium. A twin tail ending in boney clubs with enough weight to crush a tank in a single swing. Dragons of ancient lore have nothing on this.

  "You should have studied up more on this ship before you decided to fuck with it. It's been flying for five centuries. Has had a lot of projects under its hull. One of them was a program attempting to control the minds of Kyltaniun Acid Monsters. It was considered a failure. Control only lasted a little over an hour, at which point the thing goes all rabbies and kills anything and everything around it till its heart explodes. Shouldn't take half that long to reduce you detestable lot to acidic puddles."

  "There is no way that's real. This is a trick. Or a mass hallucination."

  Raze sounds panicky. Good.

  "I assure you it is very real. Check the files. Section D 87-R Project Nitric."

  Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

  "Verifying: He is correct. The files do exist. The project is real."

  "Thank you. About time someone actually listened to me. I assume we all understand the weight of the situation now?"

  "Me refoos. Me die teh Burn Beast! Me die you!"

  Some people need to learn the harder way.

  "Snuffles, do what you do best."

  A blast of acid erupts from Snuffles mouth. Melting a long trail into my floor and back to the wall behind them some thirty meters away. If there was a tree nearby I think the Knight would have crawled up it like a scared house cat.

  "Anyone else want to test me?"

  Silence. Finally.

  "Now that I have your full attention, I think this is a perfect time to reopen the negotiations."

  "Rejection: It is impossible to negotiate terms between the Diegiton and Galactic Union under these circumstances."

  "From where I am standing, this seems like the perfect time to negotiate. I finally have all the cards. Not only that, but I want to invite a third member for our little round table. So, our previously unwelcome Knight Harvester, would you like to represent your race as well? I sound like I am asking but I assure you I am not."

  "Rejection: I refuse to allow this action to-"

  A light tap lets Snuffles know to show everyone who's in charge again. They are loud creatures which make a sound somewhere between a gigantic dog bark and a tiger growl.

  "Thank you Snuffles. Any other objections? No? Then let us proceed. See they way I figure this is that the only reason the Diegiton keep trying to make deals with us, as one sided as they always end up being, is because you are afraid you are going to lose. Is that right?"

  "..."

  "Yeah, that's what I thought. And you Harvesters. All these years you haven't even tried to talk back. You've been happy to wipe away other races from the Galaxy. What's a few more? Why fear an alliance when you are so set on finishing this fight all alone? Could it be that you are also at risk of losing?"

  "Me... Thay... It not thet-"

  "I am not done speaking!"

  A strange position to have some of the most feared races in the galaxy groveling at my feet. Might get used to it.

  "After all these centuries, you two have reached a breaking point. Even if one of you wins, you will be ruling over little more than ashes. It is a very big galaxy and the Diegiton and the Harvesters have made many, many enemies. So the only logical explanation for all of this, is that whoever gets the Galactic Union to do what they want, wins."

  I was expecting a lot from this conversation. Confusion was not one of them. Up to this point they had been silently confirming my suspicions. This time, I might have gotten ahead of myself. A moment of realization as what I have said made way more sense then whatever plan they had been going by. That works, too.

  "I have a proposition. Simple and straight to the point. Your races agree to a cease fire. No more fighting of any kind. No alliances. Nothing. In the meantime, the Galactic Union will speak to both of you. We will actually learn about each other. Find out who you really are. And, if after enough time has passed, peace is still not to your liking, the Union will definitively choose a side. And then, well, who knows. Are these terms acceptable?"

  The Ambassador and Knight are so deep in thought they seemed to have forgotten I am holding them at gunpoint. Or monster point as it were.They look at each other and for the first time it doesn't seem like either wants to kill the other.

  "Conclusion: The terms are acceptable."

  "Me say yes as whell."

  "Excellent, excellent. Security, please bind these three and confine them to some quarters. Heavy guard."

  "What?!! Why me? I didn't do anything!"

  "The demolished school rooms grade 1 through 5 say otherwise. Lock 'em all up. Only allow the Diegiton and Harvester to communicate with their races when necessary. And he gets no calls."

  "Oh you warm blooded bastard I swear I will-"

  Another roar shuts his toothy trap. All three behave as securely fastened magnetic cuffs. Took a dozen to get all the Knight's arms. Raze's armor is powered down and an inhibitor placed on the Ambassador to prevent any more hidden surprises. Now it's time to show my bluff.

  "Alright Sagaci, Alcea, you can power it down."

  The room flickers, and the acidic damage to the floor and walls fade. The snarling visage of a Kyltaniun Acid Monster becomes little more then a skeletal bestial structure a fraction the size with a powered hose filled with Yellow C+ Energy drink.

  "Inquire: What is happening?"

  "What? You really think we'd have something that dangerous on board this ship? Please. Those files were fake. Inanna knows her formatting better than anyone. Whipped them up in a few minutes flat. Tricked you didn't they? This is a training station. It's full of holograms and advanced mechanicals and a billion other things that make any combat situation it simulates as realistic as possible. Alcea was in control of the monster this whole time, making sure it did whatever I wanted. Sagaci programmed in the scents and sounds and all the little moving bits so even a Harvester couldn't tell it was a smoke and mirrors. In short, you all got played."

  "The deel, was thet-"

  "I have every intention to make that a reality. So long as you all hold up your ends I will do everything in my power to ensure the Union does as well. I just needed a little help getting everyone on the same page. Any other questions?"

  I give them a minute. Looks like everyone is satisfied. Save Raze but fuck him.

  "Perfect. Now as you can all imagine I am exceptionally tired. So if you will excuse m-huuUAAGAGHGHAH!"

  You know what's the worst part about vomiting up five liters in three seconds? It's not the pain. It's not the taste. It's not even the fact you know this isn't everything that's going to come out of you. It's that ever so brief moment right before you pass out, that you get to see the gigantic pile of your own internal mess that you are about to land face first into.

  Oh, there's that moment right now. That's a lot. Don't remember eating most of that. And it's getting closer.