Here we go. This is a bit better. Despite Inanna’s many protests, I’m in a limousine. She wanted me to travel to the negotiations in an APC. That sure sends a message of trust and cooperation. Interior is made of fine leathers from some animal that’s probably extinct. Total climate control, got the AC blasting on arctic while the heated seat keeps my ass in the tropics. Complimentary mini bar, that mushroom drink is growing on me. Gonna have to ask for a few bottles on my way out. And of course, cigars. Finally, look at these beauties. Dense, but still with some give. Tightly wrapped without a single blemish. Smells like the darkest of chocolate. Oh, I’m going to enjoy this baby. There is only one thing ruining this luxury.

  “Concern: Excessive alcohol consumption can lead to health complications. Recommend reducing to a 30 milliliters per day cycle.”

  “Bite me oil blood. Just because you have to survive on battery acid and copper filament doesn’t mean we need to suffer in solidarity.”

  My company. The compromise I had to make. It was either I go with Deed and Raze, a dozen soldiers crammed into this tiny space, or the APC. Not entirely sure I made the right choice. There are two reasons to drink when in company. Because you are enjoying yourself, or because you very much are not. Guess for which I am having a third glass.

  “Let the lizard have his fill. It’s the only way he’ll be tolerable.”

  “Coming from the warm blood. I ain’t any happier ‘bout this; least you can do is be quiet. Not like the gear head is going to shut up anytime soon.”

  “Acknowledgement: I am perfectly capable of silencing myself. However, in the given scenario, doing so would be a great detriment to everyone invo-”

  “Blah blah fuckety BLAH! No wonder the only person who likes you is the plant who’s afraid of speaking at all.”

  “Rebuttal: I assure you Engineer Alcea is exceptionally vocal when the only individuals present are her and myself. In fact I would argue she can be too vocal.”

  Space Jesus with a holy buttplug, is anyone on this ship not into freaky stuff? Besides Joan, they all got some kinda kink. Hmmm, maybe Inanna? Who am I kidding, she’s probably the worst of them all.

  “Deed, how about this. Stay in silence until some form of danger arises, then you can say whatever you want. Deal?”

  “Acknowledgment: Terms accepted.”

  Excellent. Now for the Reptile.

  “Raze, I will say nothing for the rest of this ride and you do the same. In return, you can have all the remaining booze. I just need my cigars. Sounds good?”

  He swipes the biggest, most expensive bottle and drinks straight from the rim. The rest of this ride should be nice and smooth. Speaking of smooth, time to finally get the real reason I’m in this hole in civilized society. Just got to snip the tip real fast. Inside is tightly packed and uniform. That space tobacco is top notch. Just bite one side between my teeth and get the light. They got an ever burn built right into the bar. Little stick that will always make a fire on the first strike, guaranteed, forever. We use the same thing out in survival, just a lot less fancy. Light the flame, burning on the end of a Kyltaniun Acid Monster’s molded jaws. Flame takes, smoke bellows, and I take my first deep breath.

  “Danger:”

  Metallic fingers push me slightly to the left. A small, metallic spike going mach 3 passes a millimeter away from my lips, reducing the cigar to a fine black mist.

  “Enemy combatants incoming.”

  Metal arms wrap around my squishy body as Deed puts himself between me and a hail of spikes. All those fancy amenities are ripped to shreds. What a waste of good drinks and smokes. Oh, and Raze is being shot at, too. How… yeah, not going to even pretend I care. Besides, he got his shield gauntlet up so he’s fine.

  “Deed, protect Captain Tiny. I’ll take care of the rest.”

  This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  “Acknowledged: Primary objective is to protect Captain Tom.”

  The onslaught stops. Raze immediately reaches for a heavily armored case with several spikes embedded in its side. A few button presses in the right order and the case pops open. Raze grins wildly, lifting in his clawed hands a heavy fully automated particle cycler. The kind normally mounted on light armored vehicles.

  “These stupid bastards picked the wrong Rackter to shoot at. I’ve been so bored for so long. This is gonna be good.”

  Red energy bolts erupt from his new toy. Blasting a Raze sized hole in the limo’s roof. His dumb mug disappears as the big red lug starts unloading hot atoms at my latest assassins. Cackling madly in tune with the orchestra of death.

  “Deed, can you scan for hostiles?”

  “Scanning: Estimated nine hostiles. Correction: Eight hostiles. Correction: Six hostiles. Correction: Twelve hostiles.”

  “How did it go up?”

  “Response: Reinforcements. Two additional vehicles have begun pursuit.”

  “Forget protecting me. Open fire, that is an order.”

  “Negative: Current objective is to protect Captain Tom at all costs.”

  “You ever heard that the best defense is a good offense?”

  “Retort: The logic of your statement is counterintuitive to the stated goal. Defense is the best possible defense and offense is-”

  “Do I need to explain fucking everything to you all the damn time?”

  Raze drops from his firing post. He grabs onto the torn seating as if his life depends on it.

  “Brace for impact!”

  Gravity shifts right for a moment. If not for Deed holding me in place I’d have been sent flying into the sweet embrace of the ground. I’m not exactly sure how far or in what direction we were sent flying in, only that once there was no more momentum, Deed released me. Three armored-up civilian hover cars stop dead just a few meters away from us, gunmen unloading with charged weapons in hand.

  Punching into the road, Deed plants a blackout shield projector. Creating a meter height wall of pure energy. The two of us duck behind it just in time to avoid another volley of spikes. As we cower- Ok, as I cower and Deed feels whatever Deed can feel, he opens his chest and pulls out a folded energy carbine and two grenades.

  “Tactical: Now is the time to switch tactics from Defense to Offense for the sake of Defense.”

  “That’s what I was trying to- oh never mind, just shoot.”

  We toss the grenades. Scattering the dirty punks out of their cover as the cars flip in flames. No time to hesitate, open fire at anything that comes close. Deed does most of the real work. He wasn’t lying about having all those weapons. Making sure those spike loving dickbags get plenty of plasma in return. What sounds like a cannon goes off not far to my side. Raze pops out from behind his shield gauntlet to fire his sidearm. If you can call an 18 millimeter rail pistol a sidearm.

  Most of them are wiped out in the first few seconds. The few that were lucky enough not to get turned to cheese managed to pile into the one car not blown to bits. Peeling off into the distance to get away.

  “Deed, you got this?”

  From his shoulder comes a small missile.

  “Affirmation: I have got this.”

  Deed fires. The rocket careening into the distance. I can’t see the full impact from here. I can see the car flipping four times in the air before exploding in the air.

  “Scanning: All hostiles eliminated. Situation nominal.”

  “Deed, never declare when a problem is over.”

  “Inquiry: For what reason is that not allowed?”

  We feel the ground cracking behind us before we hear it. Turning with resignation to whatever is happening next. A power suit, and a large one at that, dropped from someplace on high. Towering over us and over twice Raze’s size. Looks like a heavily modified construction model. Chain blade on one arm and a pulse smasher on the other.

  “That is why Deed. That is why.”

  Pulse smashers utilize concentrated sound to shatter rock. They have this low hum that rattles your skeleton before firing. They suck being around even when not pointed directly at you. This one is pointed directly at me.

  Deed gets between me and the danger again. Shaking violently at the vibrations threatening to rip him apart on the sub atomic level. There is so much sound that it seems as if there is no sound. Just an immense, droning pressure making it harder to breathe.

  It stops as quickly as it began. Raze took the opportunity to attack from its rear. His power mace lodged deep into a leg mechanism. One quick turn later and the pulse smasher is turned against Raze. It never gets the chance to fire. Deed was past done with this shit. The old Ion Centralized Beam was brought out for the party. The Construction armor went from having an upper body to not in the fraction of a second. Broken legs left flopping across the ground, mace still sticking out of the shin.

  I hear sirens. Law enforcement is finally showing up.

  “Do you guys think we can hide all this from Inanna?”

  As if to answer, Deed collapsed. Power leaving his LED eyes.

  “Is that a maybe?”