“Do you have any threes?”
“Release the fish.”
“No, Fairy, it’s Go Fish.”
“ I don't like fishing. Can’t we just watch them swim freely?”
“Fairy, it’s just a term for the sake of the card game. Nobody is actually going fishing.”
“Then why does it matter what I say if you know what I mean?”
“... Fine. Release the fish.”
Fairy draws a card. I’m currently in a huge entertainment district that draws millions of people all across the galaxy. And here I am, stuck in my room playing no stakes card games.
“Have any Sevens?”
And what's worse, I keep losing.
“Do we have any other games?”
“What about Rip Away? It’s very popular in my world.”
“How do we play that?”
“First we take a strong rope and each put one end in our mouths. Then we both pull as hard as we can until one of us gives up or loses grip on the rope.”
Pretty sure I’ve seen dogs play that.
“Screw it, I’m bored enough. Let's try it.”
Fairy has a thick, tied rope all ready and waiting. Guess she was hoping I’d say yes. I place the knot between my teeth as Fairy does the same. She plants all four paws firmly on the ground. She has a look of determination like I’ve never seen. Love the moxie but she’s like 20 kilos. I better go easy on her.
“We start on three. Got that?”
She nods without letting go of the knot. I lift one finger. Then two. And… three.
You know, I end up face down on the floor a lot. Losing to Fairy is depressing enough. Losing so hard I’m pretty sure I just chipped a tooth is far worse.
“Yes! It’s been so long since I got to play! Sugar never wants to play Rip Away, I never lose.”
Could have done with that info about 30 seconds ago.
“NOBODY MOVE!”
Inanna crashes through the door, rifles charged and armor ready, waving around looking for invisible enemies. Four similarly armed troops behind her.
“There isn’t anyone here Inanna. Just me and Fairy.”
“Bioscanners detect you in physical distress.”
“That was Fairy.”
Fairy waves hesitantly, rope still in her mouth. Inanna just sighed.”
“False alarm. Return to your stations.”
The soldiers exit, metallic doors slamming shut with all the extra layers activated.
“Inanna, why were all the guards Til?”
“Due to the high personal risk I decided to take volunteers.”
Glad to see loyalty in my crew.
“Inanna, this is the third time you’ve come busting in my room and waved a gun in my face thinking I was under attack. Do we really need to do this?”
“I left you alone for less than 10 hours and you were almost killed. As long as we are in Protectorate space I refuse to leave your side.”
“Then don’t. Take a seat. That way the next time I sneeze a little too hard you don’t kick the door down again.”
My over zealous First Officer moves to speak, though nothing comes out. Realizing my point she takes a seat and I deal her in for another game.
“Is the armor needed?”
“Only because you refuse to wear it.”
The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
“I’m in a warship with at least a thousand soldiers between me and whatever comes at me in any direction.”
“A warship that’s already been boarded by a hostile force before. No offense Joan.”
“She’s not here.”
“That is a first. Any nines?”
I handed a nine over to her. That armor is newer, slimmer, and far less cumbersome. Still not my style, though. Rides hard in the crotch and the back is rather inflexible. At least it has a mouth hole.
“Say, is Joan mad at you?”
“What for?”
“Because, well, she wasn’t the only bug in your bed that night.”
“Why would she be mad about that? Twos?”
“Go fish. Well aren’t you two, you know.”
Fairy stands on her tip toes and shouts in excitement.
“Are we finally talking about this? I’ve been dying to know. Fives?”
I slid a five to Fairy.
“Talking about what? What are you two implying? Queens?”
“Release the Fish. And only that you and Joan have been discussing intergalactic relations every night all night since she got on board. You clearly have a type and she is it.”
“No! What? Why? No, absolutely not.”
Inanna got up at some point to raid my personal fridge. She puts a beer in front of me and a soda in front of Fairy. She cracks her own can then sits back down.
“Oh come on. You really expect us to believe that a mostly naked woman with poor impulse control sleeps right next to you every single night and nothing has happened. Aces?”
I toss Inanna my Aces, emptying my hand.
“Yes! Is that really that hard a concept? Joan and I have never had sex. We haven’t kissed. I haven’t even so much as held her hand. Spread whatever rumors you want because I’m saying here and now we have done nothing! End of story.”
“Waz talking bout?”
Joan is lying lazily on my bed. How much did she hear?
“How did you get in here?”
“If Joan say, Inenne will make so no can get in no more.”
Inanna shrugs. “She’s right, I would.” Then takes another drink. Fairy hopes off her chair and rushes up to Joan.
“Joan, have you and Tom done anything in this bed? Specifically when you two are alone.”
“Tom and Joan sleeps. Eats. Watch screens sometimes.”
“Anything else? Anything more salacious?”
“Joan no understands. What Fair ask?”
“You remember that time you snuck in on me and Sugar and we got really mad and threw pillows at you and Sugar was wearing all that leather? That. That's what I want to know about.”
“Joan no wear leather. It hot and itchy.”
Fairy starts pulling at her ears.
“Aargh! It’s Deed all over again. Have you and Tom fucked?”
Joan tilts her head.
“What is fuck?”
Inanna spits out her beer in shock.
“No. You can’t be serious.”
I crack my beer, punctuating my made point.
“I told you two. Nothing at all between us.”
Inanna for some reason is taking this harder than Fairy. She gets out of her chair and grabs Joan, pulling her into the bathroom. Joan, for her part still confused, goes along with it. I hear some shuffling of cloth then Inanna comes back with an even more confused Joan not far behind.
“She has the parts. Why haven’t you done it? I thought that was the whole reason she’s always in your room.”
“You are asking the wrong one of us. I would never touch someone without permission. Especially when they could rip my head off with their little finger.”
“Joan! Why do you stay in here if you two aren’t together?”
“Joan and Tom am together. As are Fair and Inenne. We all together in room. Are Inenne ok?”
I have no ideas where this sudden obsession with my personal life is coming from. All I do know is that Joan was just dragged into the bathroom again by Inanna and Fairy. Women. Doesn’t matter what part of the galaxy or what color their blood is, they really are all the same. Whatever Drama channel fantasy Inanna has made up for us ain’t happening. I’m dying alone with a beer in my hand. Speaking of, how about a little drin-
“WHAAAAZ!”
Joan rips the bathroom door off the hinges and comes charging at me. A tail spike at my throat and six angry eyes.
“Tom going stab Joan!”
“Whoa! I don’t know what those two told you but I assure you it’s wrong.”
“Fair and Inenne say Tom stab Joan belly! Make Joan lay eggs!”
“That is not how that works. We can’t even make eggs…. I think. I mean you are part human now but only part so I-”
Tail spike getting pressed against my throat.
“Shutting up now.”
Inanna and Fairy finally show up to try and fix their mistake.
“Joan, wait! You need us to finish explaining.”
“Joan no let Tom make Joan lay eggs!”
“And he can’t unless you let him. And even then we have ways to stop that.”
“Howz?”
“I’ve got a birth regulator.”
“And I’m gay.”
“So, no eggs?”
“No eggs.”
That was all Joan needed to hear. Taking the spike off my throat.
“Joan still no like having mating needle so close to Joan.”
Inanna and Fairy just stare at each other in shock.
“Joan, were you being literally about the stabbing part?”
“Fair and Inenne were not?”
And I thought Aclea’s mating sounded rough.
“Well Inanna, Fairy, you two pissed on this bed now I am ordering you two to dry it out. Might want to do it somewhere else cause my bathroom is no longer an option.”
They stare daggers and I smirk back. Time for a victory sip.
“Fucking, damn it!”
Inanna goes from angry to protective in a fraction of a second.
“Is it poison?”
“No. I think I actually did chip a tooth.”
