The only sound is the rhythmic beeping from the heart monitor. Thenadon grips his seven fingered hand tightly around the tendril of his wife Jellsica. Many rough months have passed since she collapsed during the Grand Operatic where she was to debut her Suaxtiphone skill to the world. Her performance was cut short by this unknown malady. There is a knock on the door. Doctor Hentgiol enters, chart in hand. The tension could be cut by a knife.

  “The tests have come in. We now know what we are dealing with.”

  Jellsica squeezed harder. Thenadon does his best to keep a strong face.

  “Doctor, is it…”

  “Yes. I’m afraid the disease is… benign.”

  Tears erupt from Jellsica’s face. Thenadon holds her tightly, the strength fading from his four eyes.

  “We’ll get through this. I swear we will get through.”

  I have no fucking clue what is happening. This is the most popular holo drama? I thought this was going to be a feel-good story. The first season ended with the plucky young female main character who only wanted to do good being smashed by a runaway hover freight and everyone cheered. There has got to be something lost in translation.

  Fairy is at my door. Best to let her in. I’ve already wasted too much of my time on this show.

  “How are you doing today Tom?”

  “Been better. Been worse, but been better. At least I can eat real food now. You sneak in my special medication?”

  “You know you’re not allowed any alcohol or smokes until you are released from the medical bay.”

  “Yeah I know. So you get it for me?”

  Fairy hands me a small flask full of a liquid that smells like pure kerosine.

  “No smokes. I got caught last time. And go slow. Don’t want the doctor smelling it on your breath.”

  “I should have named you Angel.”

  I start petting Fairy’s soft green head. She pushed back against my hand. Like a cat that wants love. Horns were a tad awkward at first but she likes them being rubbed, too. She gets the biggest, dumbest grin when I do this. At first I had to sneak pets. Doing it quickly and when she wasn’t expecting it. Now Fairy seems to crave the attention.

  Oh shit, is this a sex thing for her? I kinda hope not. Should I ask? How and who do I ask? No one seems to have a problem with me doing it in front of them so I think not. But her species is very unknown, even less than Humans. I had a whole species sensitivity thing to go through. Avians like Vivvian see neck and back touches as extremely sexual. Most races consider touching anything around the leg and thigh region as a huge no no. Had a whole section explaining how mammals like me universally see the chest as a bad touch spot, evidently most others don’t. But there wasn’t anything on this.

  Oh well. We both like it so it is what it is.

  Another knock. Got to hide my flask. I pull away my hand from Fairy’s head. Her paws snag my hand and pull it back. Sagaci and Inanna enter. No one comments on the petting.

  “Captain, the negotiations with the Harvester and Diegiton fleets have been completed. Union vessels and their delegation are leaving. It’s all clear for your return.”

  “Annnd your stooomach has fuuully heeealed. In fact, nowww seems thhhe time for a celllebbbration.”

  Hidden behind a mass of tendrils, Sagaci produces some small cups and a metal flask. They quickly pour about a shot and a half of a blue liquid in each and hand the cups out.

  “Too gooood health.”

  “To a long and exceptional career.”

  “To more pets.”

  I lift my cup to match theirs.

  “To a job well done.”

  We all drink. Stuff goes down smooth but hits my newly formed gut like a brick. Gonna have to ask for a bottle or two of this stuff. Even if it does feel like I’d need another new stomach after too much of it.

  “I suppose it’s time to drop the sick boy act. Back to the grind stone for me.”

  I get up. Really, I was fully healed about three days ago. I just didn't want to have to deal with all the political drama. I’m not brave or crazy enough for politics.

  “First Officer, how have the new recruits been doing? I hear you’ve been whipping them into shape.”

  “Sir, it has been going very well. I was surprised to be getting so many inexperienced crew. Still, I have done everything I could to increase their effectiveness and discipline.”

  Sounds about right. We got a new shipment of baby faces while I was busy with my soaps. Best Inanna made bootcamp look like summer camp.

  “Sir, there is one problem with the recruits. Something I feel you should know.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Well, it appears that they were under the impression that I was the Captain.”

  “Don’t blame them. I thought that, too.”

  “No sir. I mean they were told I was Captain. They didn’t even know you existed.”

  “Oh. Well I’ll admit that is a bit strange. But I’m sure it’s nothing worth worrying about.”

  You’d think being the guy who finally brokered talks between two of the most dangerous races in the galaxy would make me a household name by now. Back home there would already be a bidding war on whose cars I'd help sell.

  “It’s not important. What actually matters is our newest bridge members. How are they doing?”

  “Deed is doing excellent. Their new body has adapted very well.”

  “Deed?”

  “Yes. Do you like it? That was my idea. It was rather awkward to keep calling it The Diegiton or Ambassador or what have you. They kept saying they should be defined by purpose alone. So I came up with Deed. I hope I wasn’t stepping too far out of my role.”

  “No, it's fine. Deed. Yeah, don’t suppose I could have come up with much better. What about the Harvester Knight? They have a name yet?”

  “No. Though she says she has an idea.”

  “I’m sorry. She?”

  “Yesss. It haaas been long sussspecteeed Harvesters werrre a prrredomiiinantllly femaaale species. Many eusocial raccces are.”

  “Alright, I guess that makes sense. What was the give away?”

  All three of them are looking away from me.

  “Well, Sir, our Knight also got a new body. Turns out that was what they were doing in their rooms. Something to better operate with us for the foreseeable future. And there were a few issues at first when the Knight revealed this new body to us. See, they decided to take a form much closer to a standard bipedial.”

  “Yeees. In faaact my scansss indicattte they are nooow thirty percccent human.”

  “Right. And, well, the Harvesters don’t exactly wear clothing. So…”

  “Oh. OHHHH. Ok, I see the problem.”

  “We had a good long conversation with her about it. She still doesn’t exactly wear enough to be regulation but, well, baby steps.”

  “Thanks for the heads up. Would have been immensely awkward otherwise.”

  Almost back where I belong. As weird as it is to say I missed being on the bridge. This place is starting to grow on me. Even worked out what I want to name the ship. Can’t wait to pitch that.

  “I almost forgot to ask. How is Raze doing?”

  My answer comes in the form of about 600 kilos of angry reptile bursting out of the Bridge doorway like I owed him money.

  “I was trapped in one of my own cells for eight days. Eight! You have any idea how bad the brig rations are?!!”

  “Don’t you determine the rations?”

  “Exactly! I’m not the one who is meant to eat that crap! You better have a good reason for keeping me in that hole all this time.”

  “To be honest, I was just tired of looking at you.”

  Raze lifts his scaly arm. Probably would have knocked me into the wall. Luckily I had some back up. Their metallic hand stopping his claw mid air.

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  “Interuption: I believe it to be against Union Regulation codes to assault one’s superior officer.”

  “The death machine is right, Raze. I don’t see a power suit around so maybe you should listen to it.”

  Raze scurries off with what little dignity he has left. I’d send him back to the brig but he’ll definitely find some way to kill me in my sleep if I keep poking him.

  “Re-Introduction: Expeditionary Captain Tom. I have been designated as Technical officer Deed. I shall be at your service.’

  Deed has changed a lot since last I saw them. Bulkier with reinforced plating where flimsy pipe cleaners used to be. A strong square chest and beefy arms made them look far closer to the combat models I’d seen in briefings and threat assessments. Though the biggest difference was the face. Before Deed had little more than a blank rounded shape with LEDs acting as eyes. Now there are LEDs representing an entire face. Mock lips that move in sync with digitized words. A more complex eye shape complete with irises. Wonder who convinced Deed to go with blue pupils? Even a couple dots to represent nostrils. All that advanced design to replicate genuine emotion. Wasted.

  “Happy to have you aboard. Though don’t expect me to trust you entirely.”

  “Appology: My previous mission required dishonest content. My current mission does not. I will not lie to you under any circumstances. Save anything that might put the Diegiton as a whole at risk.”

  “So you’ll tell me if you have any more hidden weapons?”

  “Affirmation: Correct. I currently possess five different dedicated weapons systems as well as seventeen different industrial tools that could easily be utilized as a weapon. Would you like me to list them?”

  “Ehhh, send a list to my data pad and I’ll skim it later. And let me know if there is anything I can do for you in return.”

  “Inquiry: I did have one question on interpersonal relations which I hope you could help with. The Lead Technical Officer Alcea has been uniquely interested in the technology utilized in my body. I was more than willing to oblige her testing and technical requirements. However, at this stage I see no more that she could possibly learn from physical examinations. Yet she continues to request them at every possible opportunity. Why is that?”

  I peak over at Alcea in the corner. She’s staring at Deed like a school girl checking out the hot gym teacher. Chewing her pen. I had no idea she had teeth.

  “Don’t worry about it. Just keep doing what she asks and it will all make sense eventually.”

  Deed nods. Guy doesn’t read easily but even I can see the continued confusion. No idea how this will work out. Will at least be a better show than whatever I’d been watching this last week. Off in another corner I see my other new Bridge officer. I was told the Harvester was thirty percent human. From the back that doesn’t look the case. In fact she looks less human now. There is a large tail poking underneath the armored wings. Hanging just above the ground with a huge stinger. Of course I can only see her back from here. Let’s get a good look at her new face.

  “I think it’s time we get acquainted. Captain Tom at you ser-OH Space Jesus!”

  She has boobs. Why does the bug monster have boobs? Why does she have a really nice big pair of boobs uncovered in the middle of the bridge?

  “I, uh, I thought you and Inanna had a conversation about clothing.”

  “Me has privates covered. What more wants?”

  I am trying very hard not to look. I can feel momma’s hands ready to smack my behind raw from beyond the grave if I stare. Still, I need to peek at what she’s talking about. I’ll just cover the top half of my vision with my hand. That’s all they could convince her to wear? It’s basically a bikini bottom wrapped around some uncomfortably human-like hips.

  “Inanna! I need a word with you.”

  My First Officer rushes up front and center. I pull her to the side to try and keep things quiet.

  “What were you telling me earlier about a conversation with our new hire about clothing?”

  “Sir, I know it’s not ideal. Please do be understanding of their culture. You don’t seem to have much issue with Alcea and she doesn’t wear any-”

  “Alcea is a mass of snake vines!”

  Said that a little harsher than I wanted. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me.

  “Sir, why does that matter?”

  “Why does it matter? Because it feels like I’m in some bad adult movie shoot, that’s why. This is the bridge of a Union warship not a clothing option beach on the Red Sand Bahamas.”

  “Sir, I really don’t see the issue. I go without a shirt all the time when off duty. No one has said anything about it.”

  “How many mammals do you know besides me and Fairy?”

  Her silence is my answer.

  “Just please find some way to delicately convince her to wear something, anything over those double Gs before I die from a lack of blood flow. And be delicate. I don’t want her to feel embarrassed.”

  “Me can hears you.”

  Oh crap, she’s closer. Why does she keep leaning over? I try to look away and she just keeps moving to match my line of sight.

  “RIght, Miss Harvester, I, em, well. I understand this body is rather new to you and, I uh, think we should-”

  “Joan.”

  “What?”

  “Joan. Me name Joan now. You like? Pick from old book. Big hero. Place call France.”

  “Your Human speak has gotten a lot better. You learn?”

  “No. Joan get chip thing. Head hurt. Make hear better. Make speak better. Hurt go way. Easy than learn.”

  They figured out the translator already. Speech pattern is still a bit broken but it can only do so much.

  “Listen, about your, ehem, body.”

  “Joan knows. No like either. Only two arm. Belly no fat stores. Chitin missing. Just soft, fleshy bits. And these. Make balance bad. Back hurt. Jiggle at move. What these even is?”

  Joan cups those massive things in her almost human hands. Her arms now ended in fingers rather than claws. Rather long and spindly for a human but pretty close. There is still a lot of bug in her. There are still brown chitinous bits all across her body. This now framed her pinkish squishy underside. Most of her arms and legs were armored as were parts around her wast, neck and other especially vulnerable areas. But she had an exposed stomach that wasn’t there before. Thin and smooth. Too smooth. Mostly thanks to the lack of a belly button. If not for that bikini it looks like I’d get a good look at her new lower bits. I am curious to know what’s there.

  I think Joan’s new face was the biggest surprise. Well, second biggest. It’s not exactly human. The six black eyes and secondary mandibles across her cheeks scream bug. But there is a lot of human there as well. She has lips. Her skin is smooth. She even has hair. Purple. It’s long and poorly kept. Kinda cut in a slobbish way.

  “Well, they serve a rather important purpose. For humans, of course. But I supposed if they are that much of a bother you could always get rid of them. Or at least make them a little.. Smaller.”

  “Joan no can do.”

  “Really? I thought you guys had a lot of control over your bodies.”

  “No like that.”

  “Leeet me explaiiin.” Sagacis steps up. “The Haaarvesteeers cannot just maaake their bodiiies channnge however theyyy want. They musssyt desigggn their forrrms no different than we design a vessssel or weaaapon. This is cleaaarly the beeest they couuuld do on suuuch short notiiice.”

  “Doc person right. This smallest get. Can only make big if want change. Else Joan must purge human. Go back to old self.”

  “I mean, that might be better.”

  “Joan no can do. Queen order Joan make Union ally. Human much important. So Joan must be Human to make Human ally.”

  “Well… I suppose there are worse strategies for that. Regardless, you still need to cover those up. For my sake if nobody else's.”

  Inanna rolls her eyes. She still seems to think I’m the weird one.

  “If this is such a big deal I’ll put in a request and maybe in a few hours we can-”

  A wadded pile of cloth thrown in Inanna’s face stops her mid rant. Fairy walks off angrily muttering to herself.

  “I told them this was going to be an issue but nobody listens to the Vixten. What’s the point of all those species sensitivity vids if nobody actually pays any attention?”

  I should make sure Fairy gets more authority around her. She’s the only one who speaks any sense half the time. Joan picks out a top she likes. It’s still not as much as I’d prefer, basically just a thin crop top that might be a size too small. At least I can look at her without feeling like a lech. Well, that much of a lech.

  “There that’s better. You ok Joan?”

  “Tights. Can gets looser?”

  “I’ll make sure Fairy takes you shopping for something better fitted."

  “How Joan can get small? Like Fair. She no have big things. Joan want less like hers.”

  Fairy screams from across the room.

  “Don’t you start! And it’s Fairy! If you’re going to insult me get the name right!”

  Joan blinks in confusion.

  “Insults? How insults? Joan just say she small. Joan want be small like Fair. It look like better way to-”

  Another rolled up shirt smacks Joan in the mandible. Fairy has quite the softball arm.

  “Joan, trust me, let this go. It is only going to get worse if you don’t stop talking.”

  Joan rubs her mandible and nods. And I thought I was king of a band of misfits before this. Oh great, now my boss is calling. Let the guy take the whole screen, sure.

  “Ah, Tom. It’s good to see you up and about again. Just in time. I will have your shuttle ready within the hour.”

  “Shuttle? What for?”

  “For your retirement party of course. Please do have your bags ready.”

  “Retirement! What in the Thirteen Space Hells are you talking about retirement?”

  “Oh yes, I’ve already gotten the paperwork all ready. Just need a few signatures from you and it will all be taken care of. Your career was short though very fruitful. You've accomplished a significant feat for the Galactic Union. You can stop here and live a happy life.”

  “Now hold on just a minute. I am not retiring. Why would you even begin to think that?”

  Tristeriol’s happy go lucky mood sours. He just expected me to along with this.

  “The injuries you sustained were substantial. I have seen many a talented Captain leave due to far less. Given the rather forceful nature around your promotion, I felt that this would be a perfect opportunity for you to end on a high note.”

  “Now you listen here. I am not leaving this post until I decide to. I may not have gotten here of my own free will but I am leaving it the way I want to. So rip up the papers, cancel the clown and let me do my job.”

  “Tom, please. There are many applicants who are more than capable of taking up your role. Your leaving will be of no cost to the Union. Inanna is more then capable of-”

  “No I’m not.”

  Inanna? Why are you helping me steal your job?

  “In the short amount of time I have been under Captain Tom, I have realized how unprepared for such a role I am. As such, I am making a formal request. I wish to return to Phibian space and take up whatever role they deem appropriate for me.”

  “Inanna, you don’t need to do that. I’m sure another Expeditionary slot will open up if you wait.”

  “I do not deserve to be an Expeditionary Captain. Every decision I made was wrong. Had I truly been in control, not only would the negotiations between the Diegitons and Harvesters never been achieved, this entire vessel would likely have not survived.”

  “Now Admiral Inanna, let’s not be too hasty.”

  So she’s Admiral but I’m just Tom? I see how it is.

  “Your record prior to this mission was pristine. You just ran into a hiccup. Mistakes happen.”

  I swear he looked at me when he said mistake.

  “Interjection: We of the Diegiton agreed to negotiations so long as I was a representative aboard Expeditionary Captain Tom’s vessel. Only Expeditionary Captain Tom’s vessel. Do you wish to make such a large change to the terms of our agreement so soon?”

  “Joan toos. Harvesters wants the Tom.”

  “I appreciate the concerns. However, neither of your races are members of the Greater Council, let alone members of the Union itself. This is an internal matter that we shall settle on our own.”

  “I agree.”

  A new voice takes over. Familiar and operatic. I think that’s the Cosmos from my exam. She walks into my bridge with the regality a Greater race should possess.

  “I understand you believe Inanna would be a superior captain due to her experience. I cannot deny her record is most impressive and under ordinary circumstances I would agree. However, it was none other than Tom who had the higher score during our examinations and as recent events have proven those were not a fluke.”

  The High Admiral doesn’t seem impressed.

  “Those are entirely different circumstances. One cannot be compared directly to the other.”

  “I agree. That is why I have a proposal that may solve all our problems.”

  Oh boy. I don’t like where this is going.

  “I propose we have our two preferred candidates compete. The winner becomes Expeditionary Captain. The loser has their fate decided by the other. Can we all agree on those terms?”

  Absolutely not. No. Fuck all of that.

  “With all due respect, I do not believe that to be the best course of action. And I am sure Inanna would agree with me.”

  “I want to do it.”

  “See? Neither of us want to… Inanna. Why?”

  “I already told you. Since I have joined under your command I have done nothing but make incorrect decisions. Even if I win, I do not believe I will be worthy to be an Expeditionary Captain. Yet, I cannot go and face my crew, lead people into battle, knowing I am nothing but a failure. For the sake of my pride, I need to fight you. And I will win.”

  Does anyone have any better ideas? Fairy? Vivvian? I’ll take Raze’s advice at this point. No?

  Space God Damn it.

  “Alright Inanna. You got yourself a challenge.”