Chapter 6 - Hot Iron and Cold Bucket
When I opened my eyes again, I was resting on one of the nursery’s beds.
There was... someone talking, on the other side of the room.
Words were quite hard for me to understand, and my vision was mostly blocked from my bloated cheeks, but I could definitely tell it was a woman.
?I think I found myself a dog? Said a female voice, that I was only now beginning to tell apart from the buzz in my ears.
?Thought we already discussed that those kids were going to be failures.? Answered a man.
?I'm talking about the one on the bed: the rebel one.?
The man laughed.
?Him? That kid is anything but that.?
?Matthias always wants to keep the good ones to himself, so no word to him. We must keep something for ourselves.? She ordered, without paying attention to his words.
?Always sly as a fox, Mel.? The voice of the man grew distant, as if he was getting further away.
?You are in no position to give me nicknames, Julius.? She pointed out, angrily.
?...You sure got grumpier than you were as a kid.?
The door closed, filling the room with silence for a second.
?Of course, I will keep him for MYself? The woman mumbled. ?You will be out in quite a short time, anyway.?
When I heard her steps getting closer to me, I shut my eyes, pretending I was still knocked out.
She sat next to me and started stroking my head gently.
?Seems like no one believes in you, but I saw it.? She whispered in my ear.
She stopped stroking my hair, and got closer to my ear; I could now tell very clearly that her mouth was close to me, as her warm breath was hitting my neck with its strawberry scent.
?The only thing that I need to know is: how did you know one of the maneuvers they used to teach us in that place? No kid just how to fight like that?
She got up, and started walking in circles.
?A kid that instinctively knows the maneuvers of Saint Tobias.. If I hadn’t seen him, I would believe that he had reincarnated.? She giggled.
?But he surely is still alive.? She concluded.
?Sleep well, Elias. I will be back soon.?
She kissed me on the forehead and left the room.
"Ugh, gross" I swiftly moved my hand across my forehead, to clean it from that woman’s saliva.
I needed a second to recollect my thoughts...
A moment before, I was hit by a powerful punch, then, I woke up to a weird conversation happening right next to me in the nursery…
In an attempt to check my conditions, I touched my cheeks.
Ouch!
The pain was even stronger at the touch. Was that how it felt after getting beaten up?
I had barely felt anything back then, but now all of the pain was passing through a magnifying lens.
My bones poked at my flesh like shards of glass and my muscles burned like someone had just started cooking me on a stove.
But, if something really hurted, that was my pride.
Not only did I hesitate to intervene, but…
My eyes started watering; partially from the pain, but mostly out of pure frustration: yet another time, I had proven that I was unable to defend myself.
“If Leo had seen me there..” The thought of his disappointed face made me feel a grip in my stomach.
I tried to get up, but simply putting some weight on my arm made my whole body shake.
My head felt heavy…
Why was everything spinning?
Ugh… my eyes were closing on their own.
Drifting into my dreams felt like a reward: no more pain from anywhere, no more thoughts drilling into my brain, just silence in an empty space, where I was finally allowed a break.
Just… A small… break.
When I opened my eyes, the blanket I had put on my face had fallen all the way down to my chest. Had I.. moved in my sleep?
The room was getting darker as the sun set behind the mountains.
The wind started blowing between the mountains, mimicking the sound of someone whistling.
The frigid air made its way down my neck. Was it always this cold in here?
“Okay. Easy no- Ouch!” Trying to curl on the side of the bed felt like undergoing a surgical operation without anesthesia.
The soft fabric of the pillow felt like sandpaper against my bruised cheeks.
“Yeah, no. It was much better before.”
Moving the blanket over my shoulder, I finally noticed it: my arm had been bandaged.
When had they put it there? Was it there before I fell asleep?
Slowly, I passed the tip of my fingers on my face: there was bandage over my head, as well.
No. Probably not.
I could clearly remember touching my face before falling asleep. Nothing was there before.
The entrance door opened again, and footsteps echoed: someone was in the room.
The sound of glass hitting other glass came from behind the nursery’s curtain, along with that of liquid swirling.
Then, a… bell? and a chair moving.
A strong aroma that I remembered well flowed towards my nose: was it.. Coffee?
?A drip of rum… And… Ready for the night?
Sister... Judy?
?Stupid kids.. Why does it always have to be me?? She muttered.
?”There is a kid in the nursery, Judy.”, “Go take care of them, Judy.”... hope she chokes on her fucking liquor.?
Sister Judy was clearly mad at someone, but I couldn’t really tell who that was.
?The other one just needed some stitches, but this one's gonna be annoying? She threw herself on the chair, reclining the seat.
I could see it now, her blue shaded black hair flowing back on the chair like strands of silk.
Seeing her face turning to me, I swiftly closed my eyes, faking being asleep.
?For fuck’s sake.. If you gotta fight, at least you should kill each other?
I could feel her gaze on my forehead, trying to pierce it like a bullet.
The floor planks clicked under her feet. She was coming closer.
A few seconds passed, but no noise had come from her.
I felt observed. Was she-
?At least the geezer took care of the bandaging for me.?
She continued cursing and drinking until morning, filling the air with an aroma that was a mix of coffee and sanitizer.
Once she left for the morning prayer, I was finally able to get a few hours of sleep, before the sun came through the window to wake me up.
The room would’ve been completely silent if it wasn’t for the clock appended to the wall, loudly reminding me every second passed.
The room was much brighter than last night, but all of the beds I could see were empty.
Guess I was alone after a-
Something moved behind the white curtain on my left.
Leaning on my arm, I tried to cast it aside.
I could only brush my fingertips against the fabric, before it escaped my grasp.
Nope. Couldn’t do. I needed to move more.
My whole body still hurted, but that just meant I needed to move more carefully.
Two hands planted on the mattress. A soft, steady push to help my torso up.
There. There! It wasnt too difficult!
Right as I was about to get up, I heard the door opening.
I let my torso down rapidly, feeling my bones poking at my insides.
?O-ow!? I screamed, holding my side.
I quickly closed my mouth, as I realised that whoever came in had surely heard me.
Small steps ran towards me; then a voice shouted.
?Elias! Are you okay?? He shouted.
From behind the nursery's curtain, partially covered by the white hood of the uniform, appeared the golden blond hair of my best friend.
No! Not him! I couldn’t let him see me like this!
?Y-yeah.. Just that annoying tummy ache. Don’t worry, Leo.? I answered, in a tone that screamed “lie”.
?Elias. Put. That blanket. Off your face.? He ordered, with steady low voice.
I couldn’t. I knew what Leo would’ve done.
I didn’t want him to pick up a fight with them.
He grabbed the blanket and tried to pull it down with all of his strength.
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I clenched my fists tighter, determined not to let go of that white veil.
?It’s okay! It’s really just a tummy ache!? I repeated myself, now more convincingly.
?I know what they did to you.? He announced, keeping that firm tone. ?Now let me see what they did.?
His voice was filled with anger: he clearly wanted to confirm how badly they had beaten me up.
I shook my head under the blanket.
?It’s fine! Go away, now.?
?It’s clearly not! You shouted “Ouch!”, just now! You ARE in pain!?
His tone grew louder, and angrier.
?Just leave me alone, Leo! It’s just a bruise!? I protested.
?Stop lying to me!? He shouted.
Lying?
Lying?!
As if he was one to talk!
?I wasn’t the first to hide something!? I shouted, feeling the echoes of my voice reverberating painfully in my chest.
Leo stopped pulling.
He was still there, just.. not talking. His hand was still holding the blanket, just not pulling.
?I-it’s not like I want to hide things.. I just- To protect you I must..? He stammered.
My blood started boiling in frustration.
?Protect me?! I’m not a princess, Leo: I don’t need a knight to protect me.?
My lungs contracted rapidly. Breaths going in and out like people in a station.
My face felt hotter than a steaming pot.
?I. Don’t need… protection.? I concluded.
Tick Tack. Tick. Tack.
The clock kept track of every single second of silence.
Leo hadn’t reacted. Hadn’t budged.
He was still there, holding my blanket without saying a word.
My heartbeat slowed down as my breathing stabilized.
Why did I react like that?
Leo cared for me, he always did; and I had thrown it away like it had no value at all.
?I-I’m.. Sorry, I-?
?No… You’re right? He interrupted me. ?I-I should go now. I’ll come to visit you tomorrow.. If you want.?
The air became heavy to breathe. Words were trapped in my throat.
?Y-Yeah.. Sure.? I mumbled, while he walked to the entrance.
The wooden door closed silently behind him, and silence engulfed the room once again.
Remorse stabbed my heart.
Dumb! He only wanted to help!
Why did his preoccupation fuel my frustration?
That noise again!
I moved the curtain aside.
?I-I didn’t mean to overhear.? A bald kid, skin stormed with freckles, looked at me through his glasses.
?Whatever…? I laid back on my pillow.
It didn’t matter if someone had heard it or not.
?…Pretty stupid, right?? I giggled at myself, bitterly.
?I-I don’t know…? He stuttered.
?Nevermind. Is it getting better?? I pointed at the bandages around his head.
?S-ister Judy put some stitches.. They itch like crazy.?
?Seems like none of us are in good shape? I smiled at him.
Funny. I felt no anger towards him, unlike back when he had left me to deal with Bruce’s underlings.
The bell rang, marking noon.
A faint, savory aroma came through the door, following the rolling noise of wheels on the stone tiles of the corridor.
The door swung open.
?Time for lunch, kids.? Sister Judy came in with the food cart.
The white steam coming from the plates spoke volumes for the temperature of the room.
Stopping the cart at the feet of our beds, Sister Judy picked up two little wooden tables, which she placed on supports on the sides of the bedframe.
?I have work to do, so you two stay quiet and eat your food.? She placed the fuming dishes on top of the improvised tables.
?Aaand here’s your cutlery? She put it down and walked a couple steps back.
?Now, be good and let me work in peace.? She walked a few beds further and drew the curtains.
Today was green peas and omelette. Thank God, nothing hard in sight!
I had been worried that I wouldn’t have been able to chew properly, but that wasn’t going to be the case.
My hands shook as I tried to grab the cutlery.
“Slooow and steady now” I repeated in my head.
Half way up to my mouth, the shaky fork dropped a handful of peas on my blanket.
Sigh…
I stared at the peas as they stained the pearly-white fabric with their green juices.
?N-Need help, with that?? Asked the freckled kid.
No! Not with eating, too!
?I can manage, thanks? I shook my head, smiling.
I grabbed the peas with my hands and lowered my face to eat them.
The afternoon was particularly uneventful: Sister Judy stayed for a few hours behind that closed curtain, then emerged to gather our empty dishes an bring them back to the kitchen.
When she noticed the stain on my blanket, she sighed and took out a spare one, abandoning mine on an empty chair.
Then, I fell asleep for a few hours and woke up during the night to intense pain on my side.
How long was it going to take for it to get better? One day? Maybe two?
I looked around: SIster Judy wasn’t here. Maybe she’d gone to the bathroom?
?H-hey. Are you up?? A voice called me from the other side of the curtain
Turning my head towards it, I saw the other kid’s silhouette drawn by moonlight.
?What’s up??
?Nothing much. Wondering if you wanted to talk a bit.?
?…About??
No answer came from the other side. Had he fallen asleep already?
?I… didn’t apologize, for what I’ve done.?
I sank deeper into my pillow.
?You were scared, I get it. I was too.? The hungry looks of Bruce and his goons appeared in my head.
?But you helped.?
?And I got myself knocked out. Wasn’t much of a help, if you ask me.?
?But, about what I said in the corridor-?
?Shush. no apology needed.? I cut him off mid-sentence. ?You were nervous. It’s alright. If you really want to say something, then thank me.?
?T-Thanks…?
Silence followed that brief exchange.
“Looks like he wasn’t so bad, after all.” I thought to myself.
?Hey.?
?Mhm??
?I don’t think we’ve talked much, before. My name’s Elias.?
?C-Connor?
?Goodnight, Connor.? I giggled.
As the week went by, and my body got better, I was soon able to get back on my feet.
Leo hadn't stopped by a single time. I'd hear him asking Sister Judy about me from outside, but he never came in.
Emily, however, would pay me visit regularly, telling me how much he was suffering and reminding me we should make up or "she'd end me".
Connor’s company, which was prolonged due to his habit of scratching on the stitches, was more than appreciated.
He was a shy, fearful kid, the kind that double checks every sentence to make sure it doesn’t offend anyone.
But, overall, he had a kind soul.
The day I was finally allowed to get back to my room, I saluted him, promising I’d pass by to talk from time to time.
?How much do you owe Bruce, by the way? I might be able to help? I volunteered, while tying my shoes.
?O-Owe?? He looked stunned.
?Yeah… He said you “hadn’t met the quota” or something like that.?
?I don’t owe him money. I pay for protection? He said.
My stomach sank.
?Pro-tection? From who??
?F-From them. I pay them to leave me alone.? He confirmed my fears.
I started to see red.
?You pay them… to not pick on you?? I asked again.
He nodded.
I bolted out of the nursery, fist clenched, heading straight to Bruce’s room.
I walked down the corridor like a pressure pot about to explode.
There was no bravery in what I was about to do: I hadn’t forgotten how weak I was, but I wasn’t ignoring it either; the rage I felt was making me seek revenge.
I arrived at his door and, as I was about to open it, I heard a female voice inside.
?You need to moderate your little game, Bruce.?
It was Sister Melody. Her voice low, like the warning growl of a sleeping beast.
?It was you who told me to be more proud of my sin, Sister.?
?And I meant it, but there are limits you cannot cross.?
It seemed like she was scolding him but, it didn’t really sound like she was saying what he had done was evil.
?And why would that be?? He asked, brazenly.
?Put down that crest with me, kid: I’m here to warn you, not to ask a favour? Her voice sounded so calm while she said that, that I got chills down my spine: she sounded just like Brother Matthias when he was arguing with Brother Julius.
?Alright, I’m sorry, Sister. So, are you telling me I’m not allowed to do it??
?Of course not. Just don't make my job harder, okay??
Huh?
“Don't make my job harder”?
I clenched my fists, so tightly that I felt my nails piercing my skin.
The handle of the door lowered. Sister Melody was about to get out. Why was I still standing there?
I needed to go! She couldn’t know I heard her!
Move, Elias! Move!
I could see her blonde hair slowly revealing from the entrance, as the door opened. Why wasn’t I moving?
I stood there; my bloodshot eyes anchored to the door.
My gaze shifted towards hers, and I saw myself in the reflection: my crimson eyes looked like mirrors of hell, and my mouth was twitched in a weird, crazed, smile. I could see my chestnut hair sticking up like the fur of a stray dog.
?“Don't make my job harder”?? I repeated, with empty voice.
?Oh. So you heard.? Her response was so calm, it made my blood boil even more.
?Are you really going to close an eye??
?”Close an eye”? Why would I? He did nothing wrong.?
Ah. Yes. Now I could understand it clearly: I didn’t move because I needed that confrontation; I didn’t move because I needed to let out the hate I felt.
?H-How can you say that?? Tears rolled down my eyes.
Up until then, I didn’t realize that I was still subconsciously looking for excuses for the adults to act like they were.
I had been searching for justifications, for this whole time; I so desperately wanted to believe they were still interested in our own good.
And, right there and then, they had failed me.
?Because that’s what our God teaches us.?
I didn’t think twice: my fist raised, and I went straight for a punch on her belly.
Then, my eyes were staring at the ceiling.
?I like that look, but bad dogs must be taught manners. Julius has just cleaned the Chamber of Silence; guess I’ll put you there until you learn your lesson?
She grabbed both of my arms with one hand and forced me to walk all the way to the chamber. Then, she threw me there without a word, she left.
I threw fists on the metal door for so long that my knuckles started bleeding; my mind filling with a loud buzz that occluded my thoughts.
Then, I dropped on my knees, banging my head lightly against the frigid door.
Tears started flowing from my eyes, putting out my flaming wrath.
Everything.. Down to the last little fragment of hope. It was all lost: no Brother or Sister actually cared about us, and some of the kids couldn’t be saved either.
I had been seeing everything through rose-coloured glasses, and only now I was starting to realize it.
All of the strength that I had before, fueled by my rage, dissipated: I curled up like a caterpillar in its cocoon.
So, this was the "Chamber of Silence": the walls and floor were made out of stone bricks, and the door of metal; wooden benches were held up against the walls by thick chains, rusted on some spots.
The only access for light and fresh air was a small barred window on top of the front wall.
The room itself was small, but not too much: it was clearly studied to feel claustrophobic for an adult; but, for a child, it was big enough to walk around.
I sat on the bench right under the small window, and noticed that, on top of the door, there was one of those weird empty spaces that made it seem like something was attached to it before.
Underneath it, was a carved inscription: “Mea Culpa”.
?M-Mea..Culpa.? I mouthed them: they felt like something I had said before; like a weird saying that felt heavy on the throat.
On the walls were grooves that looked like they had been left by claws, or nails, repeatedly scratching against them.
I closed my eyes: I would’ve been there for at least a day, so it was better to sleep, while it was still warm outside.
I woke up to a quiet knocking on the door, feeling my neck aching. A frigid gust came from the small window, dropping the room's temperature by several degrees; I looked around, but no blanket was there for me.
I got up, and went to the door; and I heard it again.
?I-Is someone there?? I asked, feeling like my imagination was playing tricks.
The peephole opened, and a small rope came down from it.
?Pull it down. Fast.? Max urged me.
A small package dropped in my hands.
?Got it??
?Y-Yeah?
I sat against the door, keeping the lukewarm package in my palms.
?...Just so you know, what you did hasn't gone unnoticed.? He commented, enigmatically.
The handle of the door turned down, then
Something heavy fell.
?Well.. I returned the favour. If you need to sleep, cuddle up against the door’s left corner: it's warmer. Bye.?
?W-Wait! Max.? I stopped him.
?Yeah??
?I’d been looking for you these days: we need to talk.?
?Not much time for that, right now.?
?I-I need to know what’s going on between you and Leo.?
Silence dropped. I had no idea whether Max was still there or he had just left.
?M-Max??
?It’s better if you don’t know.?
I threw a punch at the door.
?No! Tell me!?
?Shhh! Keep it down.? He scolded me.
?I know what happened to Daniel is somehow linked to the adults. So tell me.?
A moment of silence again, but I could hear his breathing through the door.
?…Smarter than expected.? He commented, sharply.
Heavy footsteps echoed through the corridor.
?But it’s not the time to talk about it. Bye.?
The peephole closed, and Max ran away; then, I heard a pair of heavier steps coming my way.
?You kids really don’t know how to be subtle..?
Brother Julius leaned against the door, making it vibrate slightly.
I pressed my hand against my mouth: better not to let him know that I was awake.
?If you are going to fake sleeping, you should think about it before shouting in the middle of the night.?
I didn’t answer.
?Mel told me what you did: crazy courage, you have.?
He clicked his tongue.
?What a pain in the ass..? He sighed. ?Right when I forgot to clean this place thoroughly?
Why was he telling me that? Was he trying to mess with me?
?Who knows what people may have left in there in these months…?
Was that.. A suggestion?
?Boring... counting the cracks on the tiles might be just as interesting as talking to you?
He knocked lightly on the door and left; the sound of his steps got more tame as he walked away.
His words repeated in my mind: “left in there”.. Where?
That place was basically empty, aside from the benches.
I checked beneath them, running my fingers carefully through the planks, in case something was engraved in the wood: nothing.
Could it be on the window?
It was high enough for an adult not to notice it, and could be reached from outside, if someone knew the exact location and kneeled where the window faced the backyard.
How could I reach it, though?
Jumping from the bench would have been too noisy, and I wasn’t tall enough to reach the window from there; but the room had nothing else in it. Except…
?The chains.? I whispered to myself, hitting my fist against the palm.
Carefully, I got up on the bench and put my hand on one of the chains that kept it up: it was cold; so cold that my hands felt like they were burning, just by holding on to it.
With huge effort, I barely managed to climb it enough to get a glimpse of what was on the window: a thick layer of dust.
Then, my foot slipped, and I fell back on the bench, banging my forehead against the wall.
Of course.. Why did I even think he would tell me that there was something hidden in here?
He was just messing with me…
His words played in my mind again, and there I found an interesting detail:
?Cracked tiles…? I whispered.
I started checking the floor and, on one of the angles of the room, I found it: a tile cracked on one of its sides.
I slid my finger in the crack, and managed to pull it out.
Underneath it was buried a note:
My eyes welled up with tears by reading that: it was touching, and Max needed to have it.
I turned the note, and saw another small annotation in the back.
Bumps? What bumps could there be in a library?
Well, I would’ve thought about it later.
I hid the note in my underwear, where they surely wouldn’t check, then I covered the hole and sat in the warm corner, enjoying the food Max brought me.
The next morning, Sister Melody came to get me out.
The lock creaked, as she twisted the door to open it; then she came in, with a half-hearted smile.
?Time to get out. Hope you had the time to reflect on your actions.?
I nodded obediently.
?Good. Now get out and go outside with the others for the morning wash.?
I ran out, but was stopped right before setting foot outside.
She grabbed me by the wrist and bent down. Her breath was once again on my neck, together with the weird smell of strawberries and.. sanitizer?
?I didn’t tell Matthias about your little outburst; so, don’t say a word about it.? She smiled, more brightly.
She adjusted my robe, running her hands up and down my body and legs as if searching for something.
? He cannot have you.? She softened the grip on my wrist, like she untied my leash.
