“I believe you killed the three main bosses,” Flint said. “My advice is to kill the rest of the monsters on this floor, find and collect the remaining treasure, and move on to the second floor of the dungeon.”

  “Why didn't I get a title for the Spider Queen or Clown Lord? They were both boss monsters, and I killed them with a sword and knife.”

  “The dungeon's logic and reasoning is particular, to put it mildly,” Flint answered. “The spider queen doesn't officially exist, so neither does your title. And Clown Lord isn't a real boss, he's a clown. Nobody takes clowns seriously. The Big is the official first-floor boss, and you poisoned him. So you've gained the title Big Slayer.”

  “In tiny letters,” Jeremy said.

  “Size doesn't matter. I believe that's what they say, anyway. Time to go back to training. I believe you're close to Physical Enhancement 2.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. An impressive achievement for a weak adventurer like yourself.”

  Something else was bothering Jeremy. “I'm eating rations that are supposed to increase my Strength, but nothing's happening. And I lost an Endurance and a Vitality attribute point.”

  “If I might make a guess, it's your continual exposure to the poisons in the dungeon. Your poison resistance is high, which is good, but at the expense of your health.”

  “Really?” Jeremy wasn't sure he believed Flint. He pulled out the white vial he'd gotten from the spider queen. “So what is this? I know it's not poison, and Identify doesn't work on it."

  “A higher level potion could be very valuable. But since you don't know what it is, I'd strongly advise against...”

  Unable to contain his curiosity, Jeremy drank it.

  The next thing he knew, pain wracked his body until he passed out.

  Sometime later, Jeremy awoke with a groan.

  “Drinking it,” he heard Flint say. “I was going to say, don't drink it, but I can see such advice is wasted on you. Drinking unknown potions is dangerous. The stronger the potion, the greater the danger.”

  Jeremy went back to ignoring his unwanted companion.

  Checking his stat sheet, Jeremy found

  Blessing of the Spider Queen. 50% increase to poison resistance. 20% increase to Sneak.

  The max next to his poison resistance had vanished. His functional poison resistance was now 9, and if the 20% increase to sneak stacked with his charmed boots, his functional Sneak was now almost 11. “Wow,” Jeremy said. “It would seem drinking the potion was the right thing to do after all. Ah ha, Mr. Know It All was wrong.”

  “No. You were lucky,” Flint said. “That potion could just as easily have given you eight eyes or an exoskeleton.”

  “That would have been cool too.”

  ***

  “Die! Monster Velociduck boss!” Jeremy shouted, charging the monster. He punched the six-foot-tall, crowned Velociduck in the head with all his Enhanced Physical: 2 strength.

  “Quack?” The monster Velociduck boss looked surprised.

  Jeremy kicked the monster's leg trying to take it down. He missed.

  “Jeremy,” Flint said from behind him. “We talked about this. You do not want to take on even a weak sub-boss monster like this one with your bare hands.”

  Jeremy ignored Flint. You gained more experience killing monsters with your bare hands. Plus, annoying Flint was an activity Jeremy never grew tired of.

  The Velociduck overcame its surprise, realizing an adventurer really was dumb enough to attempt taking it on with his bare hands.

  QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!

  This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

  Jeremy narrowly avoided losing his head. A webbed claw slammed into him, sending him flying down the dungeon passageway.

  Fortunately, Jeremy had a backup plan. He ran down the passageway, his enhanced speed leaving the monster behind.

  The giant Velociduck monster with a gold crown on its head chased Jeremy down the passageway until he reached his pack and his bow and arrows. He continued backing away, shooting arrow after arrow at it.

  With a final mournful QUAAACK, it died directly in front of the trap Jeremy had carefully set up with the axe.

  ***

  The last few weeks had been spent searching every nook and corner of the first floor of the dungeon and killing any monster he'd come across. To his disappointment, the clowns, spiders, and the Big were the only upper-level monsters on this floor. All he found were Velociducks, monster teddy bears, and octo-monsters.

  ***

  “You call yourself the king of the Velociducks!” Jeremy shouted at the dead monster. “Shame! You should be ashamed! I bet you don't even drop much loot either. Lousy Velociduck king!”

  In the absence of company, aside from Flint, who he didn't talk to if he could help it, he spoke to any monster he could find.

  “Only dropped 350 dc,” he said to himself. “What kind of Velociduck king only drops 350 dc? I went up a level! Level 13. Finally!”

  Searching the Velociduck king's lair, he found the treasure room. In the treasure chest, he found what looked like a packet of Ritz crackers with the word quackers on it. He opened it and took a small bite. They tasted even worse than dungeon rations. “No way they're poison, poison would taste better,” he said, munching on the crackers. There was also a roll of Velociduck Tape.

  A charmed tape that sticks to anything.

  “Now this will come in handy,” he said, sticking the roll of tape in his pack. At least he tried to stick it in his pack. He had way too much stuff. Though his pack was twice as large inside as out, he was running out of space, even leaving most of his stuff in a big pile in The Fun House.

  He ended up jamming the Velociduck tape next to the magic smithy he'd gotten from the giant and the spider-silk cloak that he'd stopped wearing because it was hot, got in the way, and he didn't need it for the monsters he kept encountering.

  Flint had mentioned that eventually, there should be larger inter-dimensional storage units on the upper floors of the dungeon. In the meantime, Jeremy was stuck with a tiny pack.

  At this point, he only stored things he didn't want to lose if the clowns re-spawned. Which, of course, they hadn't. He'd lost track of the days since he'd killed Clown Lord.

  He'd found the king of Velociducks after a lengthy examination of some Velociduck pictures in one of the more distant parts of the dungeon, and it was the only monster he'd seen all day.

  Finishing the quackers, he gained a point of Vitality and Endurance. After searching the treasure room, he found a small horn.

  Charmed Item. Call of the Velociduck. Summon a Velociduck army to your aid. One time use. Don't underestimate the power of monster Velociducks.

  Sure.

  Soon after he'd killed the Big, he'd also found Clown Lord's secret treasure room with a charmed clown outfit, a set of charmed throwing knives, and a clown horn with a rubber bulb. Charmed Item. Will summon an army of monster clowns. One time use.

  “I guess I am one of the clown gang now,” Jeremy had said to himself.

  After some experimentation, he found the clown suit didn't protect him as well as the spider silk, but it was much cooler and easier to move around in. It also looked sharp. One side had red and yellow stripes, the other was red with white polka dots.

  He wore the clown suit all the time now and kept the throwing knives. Charmed or not, they tended to bounce off whatever monster he threw them at. Disappointing

  From the Octopus King, he got a camouflage ring and five vials of magic black ink.

  The Ink of the Octoking. Use it to cover your getaway.

  From King Monster Teddy he got a horrible-tasting honey that added +1 to his Strength and Vitality and a ring that added +1 to Wisdom.

  This was all in addition to a bunch of healing potions.

  “Well. This is impressive,” a voice said from behind him.

  “Eeeeee!” Jeremy screamed, spinning around and drawing his sword. Nothing should have been able to sneak up on him like that.

  It was another house gnome. He looked like Boggan, but his pointed hat was green instead of red, and he wore a business suit.

  “Easy, I didn't mean to scare you,” the gnome said, raising his hands and backing away.

  “Are you like Boggan?'' Jeremy asked.

  “Boggan is our dungeon welcoming committee and handles many day-to-day aspects of running the dungeon.” He stroked his beard and took a small step forward. “I am in charge of the dungeon merchant division. I handle the buying and selling of dungeon merchandise. My name is Banxi.”

  “I have a bunch of questions, Banxi,” Jeremy said. Then he blanked—with so many questions, he had no idea what to ask first.

  “I'll answer any questions I can,” Banxi responded. “But first, I want to congratulate you on completing the entire first floor of the dungeon. You killed every monster and gathered every bit of treasure on the first floor. For doing this, you win a thousand dc. For doing it by yourself, you get an additional thousand. For being the first adventurer ever to clear the entire first floor of the dungeon, you get a third thousand, totaling three thousand dc. Isn't that great!”

  “What would be great would be getting out of this dungeon,” Jeremy said. "My mother must think I'm dead.” Same with his father and brother, but he cared less about them.

  “Your mother would be proud to know her son won such a valuable prize and has gone 91 days without being eaten by monsters.”

  Flint appeared next to Jeremy. “I believe Banxi is here to send us to the second floor of the dungeon.”

  “First question,” Jeremy asked, pointing at Flint. “How do I get rid of this guy?”