Kim was not looking at another dungeon room hellscape festering with monsters. Instead, what lay before her and her companions was a vast, bright mountain valley lit by a warm sun. Kim finally understood the saying a sight for sore eyes: they were looking down a not-too-steep incline at fields of flowers in every colour imaginable, springing up between rocks - some on tall stalks, others short and delicate. And the air was fresh - she hadn't realized how stale and odorous the dungeon had been. She had expected winged, toothy, flaming things to be flying around or dancing grandmas gyrating in leather, swinging tentacles from their eyeholes. Instead, she took a deep breath and filled her lungs with the freshest air she'd had in ages. She sheathed her sword.

  "Is this the real world?" Damon asked. "Or is a mutt mindslayer making us see all these amazing flowers?"

  Fiora picked a yellow flower, sniffed it, dropped it and crushed it beneath her heel. "It's real," she grunted. She took a step out into the open, and Damon followed her.

  Kim closed the door behind them. "Just in case," she shouted, since they were already several steps away. Feeling somewhat safe, she drew in another breath. The color, the cool air, and the warm light of the sun were enriching her soul. Hiking was one of her addictions, and this felt like she had just climbed to an impressive height after a long series of switchbacks and rough trails. "It's wonderful!" She bent to sniff a tall flower.

  "This is Hades," Fiora said, eyeing the landscape with an angry squint. "And this Hades is a bad place to be."

  Kim assumed Hades was always a bad place to be, but this must be worse, so she re-drew her sword.

  "Are we in imminent danger?" she asked.

  "These flowers you see before you." Fiora gestured at them as if they were an army of goblins. "They are called Fioraes."

  "Hey, that's your name." Damon pointed at Fiora. "What are the chances that we'd escape into a valley filled with Fioraes?"

  "The chances are a hundred percent," Fiora said.

  "Fiora," Kim said. A realization was building in the back of her thoughts. "I think it's time to—"

  "To run?" Fiora interjected. "Yes, let's flee valiantly! This way!" She darted down the side of the mountain, following a nearly invisible mountain goat path. Damon, holding his staff like a flag, followed. Kim, not seeing any obvious danger, slid her sword back in its sheath and charged after them.

  "Why don't you fly?" Damon shouted because Fiora was now at least twenty feet ahead of her companions. "You could spot any danger from above."

  The dragonspawn skidded to a stop and picked up a stone, which she then threw straight into the air. It rose about fifteen feet and a glowing net pattern appeared. The stone shattered.

  "Oh," Damon said. "I see."

  Fiora began running again. A moment later she shouted, "To the left." She made a sharp turn, and Damon followed. Kim, who was looking in the opposite direction, nearly slipped over a steep precipice hidden by the flowers. At the last moment, she jammed her foot onto a rock, sending several small pebbles tumbling down. She threw herself to the left and got her balance back.

  After several more minutes of running, they reached a plateau. A burning red thought had burned its way through Kim's subconscious into her conscious mind, making her clench her fists. She was getting a little angry.

  Well, a lot angry.

  "Fiora," Kim shouted, speeding up, so she passed Damon and was at the heels of the dragonspawn. "Tell us what we're running from."

  "The worst thing ever," she said.

  "A gelatinous cube?" Damon shouted.

  "No. There are no stupid jelly cubes!" Fiora shouted.

  "What is it?" Kim asked.

  "What's a gelatinous cube?" Damon said. "Oh, it's this giant, oozing cube that has appeared in science fiction movies and tabletop—"

  "Not that!" Kim barked over her shoulder, then turned back to Fiora. "What are we running from, Fiora?"

  "It's my horrid, ugly past," Fiora said.

  They turned a corner around a rather large hedge of flowers and ran smack dab into Fiora's past.

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  Sitting on a golden, twenty-foot-tall, gem-encrusted throne was the great wizard Blayre. In person. He looked to be in his young thirties, with the vitality of a lead singer enjoying the worship of a massive, loving audience. His long dark head of hair had been sculpted into the perfect union of feathering and metal hair function. He wore a tan leather jacket with impossibly long fringes, and a dark shirt embroidered with the words Rock God. The V-collar was low enough to show a rich, hairy chest. His leather pants also had fringes. Flowers sprouted all along the bottom of the throne.

  Fiora skidded to a stop, then put out her arms to halt Kim and Damon from smacking into the bottom of the throne. All three of them looked up.

  The sun was over Blayre's left shoulder, dramatically lighting him from behind. He had a hand under his chin as if he were thinking incredibly deeply. Kim got the feeling that the wizard had been trying out several poses just before they came around the corner and had settled on this one as projecting the right sexy philosopher vibes. He was as handsome as he'd appeared on the drawing, and yet she had the feeling from his smile that, before getting into wizardry, he had been selling shamwows. There was also music playing in the background that had a melodic metal feel.

  "It's Whitesnake's 'Here I Go Again'," Damon whispered. Then he looked just above Blayre's head. "Oh, dear."

  Blayre reached out to one of the metallic protrusions on his throne and pulled it towards him. Was that a microphone? Kim wondered. It seemed impossible in a world without electricity. He spoke, but they heard nothing. He scowled, tapped the thing, then fumbled around until there was an audible click. Blayre leaned back towards the magical metal mic.

  "You wanted the best," Blayre exclaimed in a voice that dripped like verbal honey. It came out of the throne as if a hundred amps were hidden inside. "You got it. The hottest wizard in Metaloria: me." He waited for applause, but the three of them stared up in silence. "I guess the awe is too much. Well, congratulations! You have survived the great test of your skills. Through the darkness and into the light, you have come. It is with the spirit of pure metal that I—"

  "Get to the point, Blayre!" Fiora shook a fist at him.

  "Ah, Fiora, my sweet little cuddleb—"

  Fiora spat a flaming ball, but he wiggled his little finger and the flames burst into a collection of petals. He grinned.

  "I told you never, ever to say that word again!" Fiora shouted, and then she let out a blast of flames that burned all the flowers on the throne, but not a fringe or hair on the wizard's head was harmed.

  "You have always been wonderfully hotheaded," he said. "It's what drew me to you. And made me want to hold you tight. Which reminds me: Fioraes hold Fiora!" With that command, the flowers nearest Fiora shot up her legs and coiled around her arms, so that she was completely covered by them, as if she'd been transformed into an angry, scaly, flower-sniffing Chia Pet. "We could have been civilized about all this," Blayre continued. He really had a deep voice that belonged on radio, Kim decided. "We could have had a drink of Axel wine and reminisced about our legendary cuddles. Yet, you insist on this charade of not desiring to spend every moment of your life with me. As the philosophers say, 'love bites'." He put a hand to his chest. "I only wanted to congratulate you on escaping The Dungeon of Heavy Metal Love. It only took ten years."

  Kim shook her head. There were several things going on that she was desperately trying to understand. But before she could open her mouth to voice them, Damon said, "The Dungeon of Heavy Metal Love?"

  "Yes, I built it for her. And named it after 'Heavy Metal Love', the deepest and most metal love of all," Blayre said. And then he sang:

  "Heavy metal love. Heavy metal love."

  His voice was intensely attractive. She believed every word in the song. Damon pointed his staff at the wizard. "You liked this guy?"

  "He was a grievous mistake in judgement," Fiora said.

  Blayre ran his hand through his hair, which magically fell back into stylized perfection. "That is not what you said eleven years ago on the Balcony of the Rock Gods as we gazed at the sunset setting over Bruce Bay whose mighty waters lap upon glorious Rothland. Which, I may add, will soon be called Blayreland once I erase every trace of Roths magic. Anyway, you always had a burning heart for me, Fiora."

  This wizard was obviously a horrible dating mistake. Kim called her ex-boyfriends two words: the multitude. Her worst dating mistake had been dating the ex-boyfriend who was a drummer in a country band. She knew how terrible mistakes could leave a nasty taste in one's mouth, especially after kissing a terrible mistake, who was a snuff chewer. Her uncle had warned her about country music and how evil it was. She didn't know that warning applied to country musicians as well. Kim felt she had done slightly better than Fiora. None of the multitude of her exes had trapped her and her companions in a dungeon.

  "Well, despite the anger on display here, this is truly worth celebrating," Blayre said. "And you did it with two tiny brainpan spawners."

  "They are not the wisest creatures to walk this land," Fiora admitted. "But they are hardy. And you have become less creative in your designs."

  "You wound me, my love," Blayre said. "Straight through the heart."

  "Let me rip it out and stomp on it, too," Fiora said.

  "Now, now, my dear." Blayre wagged a finger at her. "Your aggressiveness has brought you so much pain. Don't you two think she has to learn to trust?"

  Kim and Damon were very careful not to nod or even to blink to suggest agreement.

  Fiora put her hands on her hips again, snapping a few Fioraes to do it. "I suppose you are going to gloat us to death. We have escaped your trap, and we stand before you free of your shackles. By the metal gods, let us go."

  "That is not my plan." Blayre stroked his beard. Kim thought this was also something he'd done in front of a mirror many times in his life, when he wasn't oiling his whiskers with perfumed oils.

  "I had guessed as much," Fiora said.

  "Yes, you have a task to perform," he said. "You will perform this wonderful task like troopers. Only then will I grant the three of you absolute freedom."

  "I assume the task is going to be impossible," Fiora said. "Like a rainbow in the dark."

  He laughed loudly, as if projecting to some imagined audience. "Yes, my snugglescales, it will. Now let me tell you what it is." He was silent for long enough that Kim thought he'd had a stroke. It took her another few moments to realize it was a dramatic pause. "I would like you to put down the Great Druid King Fidds," he finally said.