Hajime-kun, his nakedness still being mercifully censored by the heavens, approached the crying priests who were praying in his general direction.

  He uttered the holy words every priest in that world longed to hear:

  “Hey… it’s getting pretty drafty in here… can someone get me something please?”

  His voice—smooth and nostalgic, like those 80’s gag commercials—awakened the monetizing instincts of the cardinals. The inquisitor, as expected of his office, snap's out of his trance first and says,

  “Yes, of course, sacred hero! Allow me to advertise the latest cloth from our department!”

  He then began his sermon:

  “Have you ever felt your boys can’t breathe? Have you ever wondered what true comfort feels like—without the tightness? Then gaze upon our holy certified product!“

  From within his priestly robe, he materialized a piece of garment.

  Hajime squinted and say's, disappointedly,

  “Is that what I think it is…?”

  The inquisitor, trembling with fervor, cry's out,

  “Our state-of-the-art Genital Cloth Protector is only 5,000! (Local tax and shipment not included.) Please buy it, Hero-san!”

  Some spit landed on Hajime-kun’s face from all the holy enthusiasm. He hated everything about this moment—three-quarters naked, spit on by an old man, surrounded by a crowd of demented sycophants, and broke.

  Hajime snap's,

  “I don’t want a thong! Can someone get me something that doesn’t let my boys hang?”

  One of the younger nuns, blushing but eager, raised her hand.

  “Do you want something sturdy? With built-in protection?”

  Hajime sighed.

  “Probably not… but go ahead, sell it to me.”

  She lit up.

  “With the new Chastinator XT, all your problems can be solved! It protects your purity while keeping you safe—”

  “Rejected.” Hajime interrupted. “I want something that lets them breathe and holds them well.”

  The priests stared at him as if he’d asked for the impossible. Finally, one said in awe,

  “Are you referring to the holy garment the Saintess promoted in her last stream?”

  Hajime smiles.

  “Finally, someone competent who knows what I want. Exactly! Got any of that?”

  The priest looked as if he were about to cry.

  “Our esteemed hero… that product is… beyond our knowledge.”

  “Say what now?” Hajime blinked.

  The priest explains in a gravely tone,

  “The most advanced development in underwear technology is the garment you call "The Thong". To us... The Vertical Lightweight Protector Mark 3 is currently our most comfortable model.”

  Hajime roar's,

  “Then explain how the hell Elnora has a damn bikini but you people can’t make simple underwear?!”

  The cardinals trembles.

  “Are you speaking of the Holy Green Garment from Another World? Legend says a hero once sniffed and bit that very cloth before dying… he cursed the heavens for his fate.”

  “Hell of a way to die. What was his name?” Hajime asked.

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  “We do not know his true name,” the priest says solemnly. “He claimed in his world he could only share it with the one he loved most. We only know him as Buyus_Anonymous123.”

  Hajime mutter's,

  “Fucking bullshit…”

  Then, remembering something from early in his journey, he asked,

  “Can you give me something from the Cheapo Hero tier?”

  The priests look's at each other.

  “Cheapo Hero… Cheapo Hero…” one repeat's in a trance.

  Then the oldest among them gasp's, as if recalling scripture.

  “Yes! The Cheapo Hero indeed has a few benefits. It is written in the Holy Covenant of the Marketer, section 457 of the Sacred Terms of Service.”

  He gestur's dramatically.

  “Now come, Hero-kun. Let us get you your free stuff.”

  His words were oddly ominous—but full of purpose.

  And so, Hajime-kun—still naked—was paraded through the Holy City toward the Citadel Palace.

  In the middle of the procession, he groans,

  “Can someone just get me some underwear? Fine, I’ll bite and take the thong.”

  The inquisitor shout's joyfully,

  “Here you go! Try it out until we reach the Holy Palace!”

  Inside the suspiciously pope-mobile-looking carriage, Hajime closes his eyes. He looks like a tragic statue—two swords at his sides, one pure and one wicked. The gap moe between good and evil only enhanced his edginess, making him appear like the ideal hero for this cursed generation.

  Ads that flew too close to Hajime-kun simply died off, and people watched with reverent awe. Only ads of true value could survive his presence—or so they rationalized that heresy.

  The inquisitor had many questions for the hero… but since Hajime was wearing the thong, he decided to let it slide. Corruption in the City of Subs ran deep.

  Hajime-kun, communing with his equipment:

  “I hate everything about this city. Honey, help me get the fuck away from this mess.”

  Caladblock:

  “Killing ads is the only way I know, Hajime. Its the only correct answer I can give you.”

  Hajime:

  “I’d love to, but they’ll chase me to the ends of the world if I go on a rampage here. Just look outside—it’s hell on steroids.”

  Whalescalibur:

  “Watch your tongue Hero-san! I helped build this city with all the heroes who wielded me before you. Their hopes and dreams crystallized into this beautifully advertised model city!”

  Hajime:

  “Block!”

  Caladblock:

  “You got it!”

  Whalescalibur began to vibrate against Hajime’s back, giving him an accidental massage.

  Hajime:

  “Another use for this compass—such great massage potential.”

  It vibrates harder! No one knew whether it was from frustration or an attempt to justify her usefulness. For Hajime’s mental health, he assumed the latter.

  Valiant:

  “How about just going with the flow? The Selection is right around the corner. You might get a chance to slip out in the mess?”

  Hajime:

  “Fat chance. I’ll have to see this crap through to the end. This sucks harder than a vacume.”

  Valiant (mumbling):

  “With your luck… you’re screwed.”

  Hajime:

  “What was that?”

  Valiant:

  “I said—with your luck—you should sue.”

  Hajime:

  “Sue who? The gods?”

  Valiant:

  “Maybe. Litigation’s always an option. You got money?”

  Hajime:

  “You know I don’t.”

  Valiant:

  “Ah… Cheapo Hero. You’re really going to stick with that till the end, huh?”

  Hajime:

  “Free-to-play is the only way to play… or use someone else’s money.”

  Valiant:

  “Someone else’s money?”

  Hajime’s voice waver's.

  “My sister taught me that…”

  He falls silent.

  Caladblock:

  “You have a sister? Who is she?”

  Hajime:

  “Her name’s Haruka.”

  Caladblock:

  “And?”

  Hajime (awkwardly):

  “She’s… my sister.”

  Caladblock:

  “I know that…”

  Hajime:

  “Yeah… anyway, help me get away from this mess!”

  And so, the hero and his cursed party of sentient equipment continue their brainstorming session, quickly approaching their final destination.