Just as I’m about to make peace with this hell, a pop-up ad slaps the carriage window.
“To continue enjoying this scenic view, please subscribe and watch the Climate Change Awareness ad sponsored by ClimateWizards.ad.orb”
A jingle plays with new age music mumbo jumbo:
“We’re mostly wrong until we ain’t~!”
I cringe so hard it feels like my soul is trying to reject my body.
I glance at Meryad, who casually clicks the pop-up with what I assume is a blocky smile.
I sigh and mutter,
“Merry… are we almost there?”
She gasps.
“Oh my Hero! Were using nicknames already? If you just premiumed me—”
She launches into her non scheduled sales pitch. Again and again...
I tune her out and finally say,
“I’ll just call you Merry from now on.”
She lights up and goes back to watching the window, totally content with this new development.
I really don’t have the heart to tell her that I hate her original name more and more with every passing second I'm in this world.
Ding!
The same stat goes up again for some reason.
“Are we almost there?” I ask again.
“Only a few more hours Hero-sama! Please rest. I’ll just watch the ads for both of us~!”
She’s still invested in the window ad.
I close my eyes and drift into a small power nap.
I’m at peace, finally...
In my dreams, I see a beautiful meadow stretching to a distant blue and beautiful ocean. Everything is calm as God created it.
Then—
A gigantic white whale with cash signs and angel wings breaches from the water, humming a jingle and posing like it wants praises.
I just knew... It’s the damned sword, surely...
I turn away from the ocean and stare at the grass. Maybe I can pretend it's not real and is a manifestation of my stress.
Suddenly, the whale gracefully flies over the meadow, doing a deliberately slow spin. I stare at the ground harder!
She yells:
“No fair Master! Praise meeeee, HELLOOOO!!”
I hate it so much, truly an evil existance.
The whale begins to transform—turning into a beautiful, blond-haired girl with a whale hat, sailor uniform, and angel wings. Her buttons are cash signs. She’s the type of waifu gacha addicts would throw their rent money at for 0.01% pull odds.
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
She pouts and says:
“Please Master, hear me out! We must defeat my rival, and I’ll train you in the ways of the powerful and lucrative whale!”
She lifts a finger to a tree.
"Ca-ching!"
Five trees explode.
I just stare at her, I'm just dead inside at this point.
She beams.
“Speechless from my powerful display! That’s what just one 5-minute ad can do. Watch a 1-hour ad and you can split mountains!”
She says it like she’s hawking godhood on layaway.
Suddenly, confetti explodes from her sleeves and a pop-up ad smacks me in the face.
"1,000 Ways to Polish a Lady – Sponsored by Herosword Brand Polish?"
Runtime: 1 hour
The title is suspicious and the sword is blushing furiously.
At first, the title would indeed stimulate some sorts of male fantasy...
Who am I kidding, lets be more realistic Hajime-san.
It’s literally just a polish tutorial. With testimonials written by other swords. About how satisfied they are.
I hate this so much, I want to go home.
I deadpan,
“So… about your rival. Where can we find her to—cough—‘defeat’ her?”
Whalescalibur lights up.
“I don’t know! But I feel the constant vacuum she creates in this realm. She’s near the dungeon we’re heading to. What a totally random coincidence! You can avenge my purity quickly!”
I leap up in the dream world.
“REALLY!? Let’s wake up NOW!”
The dream world starts dissolving into nothingness.
The sword shrieks:
“What about the polishhhhhhhh!?”
I wake up smiling.
Merry is finishing her view from the window ad.
She looks at me sweetly and says,
“You seem like you had a good ad-nap!”
I frown at her wording.
“Soon… everything will be resolved… very soon indeed.”
A low, menacing laugh escapes my lips.
The sword shudders like it senses a very bad premonition.
We’ve arrived at the Nooby Sponsored Dungeon.
“Where heroes are tested and forge!”
A damned jingle starts playing:
“Through the gate, here we gooo~ To a place a noob should go~!”
Sponsored by the Kingdom of Whalepool.
My eye twitches violently.
Merry dons her armor, takes a vanguard position, and shouts,
“Ready Hero-sama? Let’s goooo~!”
She charges in. I lag behind very deliberately.
A few goblins spawn—
She obliterates them instantly with her SSS Rank status.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
I hear constant level-ups.
“I’m being carried so hard, it’s not even funny.”
What about the loot?
All of them are coupons for store discounts.
Every chest requires you to sit through a 15-second ad just to open it.
I also notice something weird about the mages of this world.
When the enemy casts a spell, they touch a box and sit around anywhere from 5 to 15 seconds.
Their casting time is literally based on the ads they watch.
I decide right then:
Magic is pure garbage. I will never use it."
We reach the boss room.
An Elder Goblin is sitting there. Looks like he’s been slumped over for hours. Poor guy’s joints must be done for.
He sees us and grins.
He stands up.
And then—
BOOOOM!
He launches a massive fireball, covering the entire arena.
I panic and slash my sword upward.
A loud "CA-CHING!" echoes as the fireball splits and dissipates.
The goblin slouches over, defeated like a sad mob.
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
Five level-ups.
Suddenly, I’m struck by an unskippable 15-second ad:
"Tired of your sword nagging you for polish? Want it quiet and obedient? Call Heroic Swordsmith's at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Let us save you the hassle!"
Honestly?
I kind of liked this one.
But damn—I have nothing to write the number down.
Sigh…
Merry, the ever-looter, opens the boss chest, humming joyfully and watching the 30 second ad.
I start tapping at the boss room walls—just on instinct, as a true gamer should.
One wall disappears.
A hidden passage opens up.
Dark. Ominous. A truly forbidden-feeling, I feel it in my loins.
The sword begins to shiver in my hand.
This is a great sign!
I grin with rare happiness.
I plunge in—skipping past coupons, skipping past tutorials—
toward the only loot that matters for me.