I just sigh at the display.
Honestly, it feels totally rigged. Casinos pull this kind of stunt all the time—throw you a jackpot once in a while to get you hooked, then gut you at the exit.
The princess claps her hands.
“Now it’s time to get your Holy Sword Hero! A journey cannot be completed without one! Let us crush Predatoriad and sanctify the holiness of ADs together!”
Honestly?
This adventure would indeed sound epic… if it wasn’t about freaking ads.
She grabs my hand and practically drags me down the hall. We enter what I assume is the castle’s treasury.
Boxes.
Just... a bunch... of boxes.
And a glowing inscription above them that reads:
"A sense of pride and accomplishment just on the horizon!"
I don’t know why, but it reminds me of a certain company I absolutely despise from the world I’m trying to get back to...
Ding!
A stat increase, again...
Then the princess starts her pitch.
“These are Bronze Loot Boxes! They have the chance of producing common to… well, trashy relics.”
“These are Silver: chance of uncommon or rare items all year.”
“Here’s the Gold Chest! Rare to Ultra Rare items—vouchers for gacha are included. Platinum voucher’s in the prize pool!”
“And this—this is the Platinum Chest!” she says, glowing with excitement.
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“Only available to premium users or with a unique ticket. Guaranteed Legendary Item with Ultimate Vouchers!”
She’s side-eyeing me like I’m supposed to lose my mind with excitement.
I’m yawning.
Her blocky face turns blue with disappointment.
“Hero-sama! You must take this seriously. If not, how will we defeat the Demon Kingdom?! Just use the nooby package voucher I gave you earlier!”
I reluctantly dig through the satchel she gave me. There's a golden ticket. I guess it's for the gold chest.
I open it.
BOOM—magical confetti explodes in all directions. Neon signs blare:
“PRIDE AND ACCOMPLISHMENT ACHIEVED!”
Except... it’s not a gold item that spawns.
It’s an expensive looking PLATINUM.
Meryad is staring at me, radiating sparkly pink pixels like she’s about to propose or something.
What the actual fuck is wrong with this world?.
I walk up to the Platinum Chest and use the ticket.
Neon lights shoot into the sky. Holy hymns begin playing. Angels descend in slow motion.
Inside the chest is an ornate golden sword, covered in cash symbols, with a whale motif on the hilt. The thing just screams pay-to-win.
And I hate it for some reason.
I don’t know why yet—but I do.
I reach out and grab it.
The sword immediately starts talking in a sweet, female voice:
“Welcome Hero! Thank you for subscribing to Heroic Sword: Whalescalibur!”
I fucking knew it.**
She continues chirpily:
“To fully utilize my power, heroic ads must be watched for at least 5 minutes after each use and at the end of every encounter!”
Of course it does. It runs on damned ad power.
“We must journey forth to destroy my insidious rival—Caladblock—a cursed blade that blocks all ads!"
I blink at that with hope.
Wait... blocks all ads?
Hold up, wait a second.
Hajime shouts: "IS THAT THE TRUE HOLY SWORD?! I WANT THAT ONE!"
The sword’s voice cuts back in, flustered and weirded out.
Confused and bewildered it asks... "ummm, Master? I am the Holy Sword! Please just trust me—you won’t ever regret it!”
I already do, very much.
I deeply regret having a sword with an ego.
“Let me show you my power!” she adds, trying to sound sexy and ominous.
I shake my head.
“Nah, I’m good. I trust in you're capabilities. No need to show me anything. Please just no...”
Phew. Almost got screwed again, gotta keep my wits sharp and flexible.
I glance to the right. Meryad is literally swooning, sparkles floating around her.
I guess she’s just really into gacha...
She snaps back to her usual tone:
“Now my hero! We must enter the Tutorial-Sponsored Dungeon! Our kingdom invested a lot of CryptADs into it!”
She yanks me by the hand again, way too enthusiastic, and drags me out of the castle. A carriage is waiting outside.
And so, against all logic, dignity and decaying sanity…
"We go our merry fucking way."*