Thomas had given me a lot to think about. But I didn’t have long to think about it before I found myself holding Tarquin again. Thomas had given him to me so that he could wash Jacob’s hair. To be fair to Jacob, he sat quite nicely while it was being done… I’m glad Tadwick cut his hair short a few years ago. Dealing with his crazy wild hair during bathtime used to be such a faff.

  I am becoming painfully aware of my shortcomings when it comes to looking after babies. Everything Thomas does with him seems to come incredibly naturally to him. But I just feel uncomfortable and vaguely terrified when I hold him. What if move my arm wrong and his head drops? What if I drop him? What if I upset him? Every time his face changes, I wonder whether it is because I have done something wrong. When his eyes are open, he just looks confused or terrified. When they are shut, I panic that he’s dead.

  I am not used to babies. All of my boys were much older when I met them. The youngest was Tadwick, who was four. At four you already have a personality… you can be interacted with… you can converse. With babies… it is all on you… and that unnerves me… especially because I have no idea what to do.

  Fortunately, I didn’t need to look after him for long. After Thomas had finished sorting Jacob’s hair, he got his clothes on, then took Tarquin out of bath to sort him out. I figured that this was probably a good point for us to also get sorted and head back home as well.

  As we were getting dressed, Tarquin started to cry, so Thomas dispatched Levine to go and get the wet nurse. Levine did not return however, instead Smutisha appeared with a rather large woman by the name of Jane. Jane instantly whipped her breast out and suckled the baby without a moment of hesitation. Quite frankly, I’m surprised the baby was able to latch on. The breast was bigger than him.

  Thomas started chasing Jacob around the room. It would seem that he did not want to get ready.

  Smutisha: “He always does this, darling. Battle to get him into the bath, then a battle to get him out. Children, eh.”

  Dwynfel: “Umm… Lady Smythe. How do you get the water out of there?”

  Smutisha: “Third knob, darling.”

  She turned the third knob and grates opened in the floor. The water began to drain instantly.

  Smutisha: “It leads to a water butt in the garden. The gardeners use it to water the plants.”

  I have to hand it to Wynrun. He certainly designs some incredibly practical and helpful things.

  Smutisha: “Oh, darling. Before you leave. I had this fetched for you.”

  She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small jewellery box. She placed it in my hand and smiled at me.

  Smutisha: “I had it collected from the jeweller yesterday. I was going to have somebody run it down to you… but then you arrived here. Almost like fate, darling.”

  I opened the box and looked at the ring. I’m not really an expert in fine jewellery. But I think it is really pretty. The ruby and amethyst combination does make me think of Kiyui… and that makes me smile.

  Dwynfel: “Thanks. I really appreciate your help with this.”

  Smutisha: “Oh please, darling. Least I could do after everything that you’ve done for me over the years. And we shall have to do these little play dates more often. It is nice for Jacob to spend time with other children. And your Tadwick provides a bit of boyish silliness for him. Violet and Rose are a little too sensible for him sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, those two girls are fantastic, they’ll rule the world one day. But your Tadwick, he’s more on Jacob’s level. Just look at the two of them.”

  They were both stood in the steadily reducing water having a splash war. I think Thomas had just given up on getting Jacob ready until the water had fully gone. And I hadn’t even started trying to get Tadwick ready. And I do very much understand what Smutisha is saying… Violet in particular is just like a miniature version of Phoenix. Very reserved. Rose is a bit more like her father. She displays much more excitement and enthusiasm. But even she has a refined and sensible quality to her. There isn’t much silliness with either of them. Tadwick’s privy related sense of humour didn’t even make them giggle. Whereas even just saying the word ‘bum’ seems to have Jacob in stitches.

  The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

  I suppose, they are royalty after all. They probably get taught from a young age that there are certain ways to be. That being said… Phoenix has always been against the noble upbringing way. More likely that they are just like that because they are imitating their parents. I dread to think what kind of children Gentle will have. I know she has them… but I have never seen them. Then again… I sometimes wonder if Gentle ever sees them. Gentle very much embraces the wealthy lifestyle. I can’t see her cleaning a dirty bum… ever.

  When the water had drained away and the boys eventually got their clothes back on, we got ourselves sorted and started our walk back home. Tadwick spent most of the journey talking about how cool Smutisha’s bath was and saying we should get one just like it. As if we could afford to get something that elaborate. The only reason we have the good quality bathroom that we have is because my dad made the whole thing himself. And only the gods know how long that took him.

  While Tadwick droned on about that, I have to admit, I zoned him out. I was too busy thinking about what Thomas had said earlier. Not just about the whole Grim situation. Although that was definitely part of it. Because he was right… he was right about all of it. The Grim are the way that they are because they learned to be that way. When a new Grim is born they are taught by the other Grim to behave a certain way… to find pleasure in certain things… and that other things are completely normal… nay… essential to their survival.

  I spent my entire life thinking that these things were just inherent in our biology. That I was destined to do such things… to enjoy such things… because that is what those with my blood do. But I have been beyond stupid… all these years… I’ve just been so stupid.

  But… specifically… one random line that he said… and I’m pretty sure that he said it as a joke… but it has stuck with me ever since. It was when he said… “our fears often manifest in our sexual proclivities.” I had never really thought of it like that. And the more I think about it… the more that I see it in myself. All those years, I was afraid that I would lose control of myself if I engaged in any sexual contact… even now… the prospect of sex with a woman fills me with dread and fear that I will lose control.

  But that fear… that intense fear that I have, of me, of what I am. It makes me want it more. That time Smutisha attempted to initiate sexual relations with me. I got so hard, so fast. Then my mind went straight to me taking control, biting, scratching, and behaving in that base way that I have always been so afraid of. Maybe my mind went there… went to that place… because it is exactly what I am afraid of… and that fear somehow drives my sexual desire even further in that direction.

  That fear that I have been harbouring inside myself for my entire adult life… that is precisely why I have been so sexually passive. My fear of having these desires has caused the desires to grow. And to counter that I have pushed my desire for control so far down that I have never tried to take even the slightest bit of control during sex. Which in turn caused Kiyui to doubt himself and think that I was just going along with whatever he wanted.

  I overcame that fear last night and took control. I led that sexual encounter. I didn’t just sit idly by and let it happen to me. And gods… it was the best and most amazing sex that I have ever had. And I’m pretty sure it reassured Kiyui that I was definitely interested in him. I let go of my fear… I had confidence in myself and I was in full control. I didn’t fly off the handle… I didn’t bite him… I didn’t hurt him. I did what I wanted… I did what we both wanted… and neither of us got hurt.

  I still don’t think that polygamy is for me. My penis may be interested in other people. But my brain still can’t cope with that. Kiyui is still the only person that I want to experience this stuff with. But I now feel confident that I can be more assertive and take more control in the bedroom. I won’t lose control. It will make Kiyui feel happy and wanted… and I cannot express to you in words, just how amazing it feels to shed your fears and just be you. Even if it is just for a while.

  The more that I think about it… the more that I come to realise that fear has been holding me back in so many ways. Fear that I’m not good enough… fear that I’ll just mess everything up… fear that deep down I’m just a Grim waiting for his chance. Well, not anymore… I’m going to stop letting fear control me. I’m a good person… I’ve made mistakes… but I’m a good person. I am not my biological father and I never will be. From now on I am going to be confident in myself and who I am. This is my story. And if I am the prophesied magic sword wielding saviour of Kataravonia, then I am going to start acting like it.