The boys were pretty much the same as ever. With the exception of Olmo who definitely appears to have adopted Oscar as a younger brother… and Isha who is new to the equation.

  I did originally wonder how adding a child older than Charlie to the mix would affect the group. Charlie’s main claim to leadership was largely that he was the oldest. But he isn’t anymore. It would seem that Isha has no desire to take charge though, so Charlie continues to be the de facto leader… with Tadwick constantly challenging his command, of course.

  Isha was happily helping Olmo to clean Oscar… and it was a good thing too… Oscar was absolutely covered in paint… way worse than any of the others. I know he’s the youngest… but he genuinely looked like he had taken a bath in a bucket of blue paint… everything from the neck down was blue… and above the neck wasn’t exactly clean either. And the kid did not want to have it scrubbed off. He was running around the room trying to have a water fight with Tadwick… who naturally, was not encouraging sense.

  Nomius was trying to clean Zayan and Freddy who were in a similar state, although not as bad. Kiyui and I ended up having to pin Tadwick down to clean him. Scrubbing green paint out of the folds of his scrotum was really not what I anticipated doing when we were walking home from the wake… but here we are.

  Thankfully, the other boys were all perfectly clean when we arrived and were happily chilling in the tub and chatting.

  After they were all suitably cleansed, they all got sorted, and the ones who had attempted the lesson took their pictures. Isha took the art supplies that Olly gave him, and they all set off back for town. Svampe offered to walk them all back. Which was sweet because it was getting dark and if he didn’t then we would have had to. That being said… I’m pretty confident he is only doing it as an excuse to see Grant’s sister again.

  Honestly… it is amazing how much a little socialising has improved him. He is doing brilliantly. I just hope things continue to go well. Oh gods… I hope she doesn’t dump him or anything. Shit… no… stop it… I am making an effort to be more positive. That isn’t going to happen… be optimistic. The kid is happy… he has a girlfriend, even if he does deny it… he has a second date on Thursday… just be happy for him.

  We put Alexi and Tadwick to bed and went about our usual bedtime routine. As we climbed into bed, Kiyui simply said goodnight and turned from me. This is unnerving me. I need to talk to him… if I just lie here overthinking things then my mind is going to spiral in all sorts of directions. He always says that being direct is the best way to resolve things… well… here goes.

  Dwynfel: “Umm… Kiyui.”

  Kiyui: “Yes, Dwyn?”

  Dwynfel: “I know… umm… I know that you use sex, as like, a way of dealing with your emotions… calming yourself down and relaxing. So… umm… I was wondering… if you would like to… maybe…”

  He turned over to face me and placed his hand on my chest.

  Kiyui: “That’s sweet of you… but… I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

  I placed my hand on his… I could feel my heart beat through his hand. Bloody hell… he must know how nervous this conversation is making me from feeling that.

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  Dwynfel: “Kiyui… please… be honest with me…”

  Kiyui: “I’m… I’m scared, Dwyn.”

  Dwynfel: “Of what?”

  Kiyui: “What happened… the other night…”

  What happened at the ruins has really got him.

  Dwynfel: “We talked about that… I thought we agreed that we were okay?”

  Kiyui: “Well… it kind of got me thinking about us… and… well. Every single sexual interaction that we have ever had… it has been started by me. I’ve been leading it… I’ve been in control. And now… now I’m scared that maybe… maybe you’ve just been going along with it… not because you necessarily wanted it… but because you wanted to make me happy. Even now… you suggested this tonight because you are worried about me. And I love you for that. I love that you put my needs above your own. It is a rare quality. But I guess… I’m scared that I’ve been taking advantage of you this whole time… and I… I just can’t get that thought out of my head.”

  He could not be further from reality at all. I need to get him to understand that that just isn’t true.

  Dwynfel: “Gods… Kiyui… please… please do not ever think like that. I know that the other night wasn’t good… but we talked about that… we sorted it… we both agreed to move forward. Every… single… thing… that you ever did before that. Every single time… I wanted it… I loved it… and I wouldn’t trade the time we have spent together for anything. I love you and it kills me that you feel this way. All I can do is reassure you that that is definitely not the case. I wanted you… all those times… I wanted you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I will always want you.”

  Kiyui sat up and leaned towards me. He kissed me lightly on the forehead.

  Kiyui: “Thank you for saying that. I think I just need to get these thoughts out of my head.”

  Dwynfel: “I’m glad you told me. Because we can deal with anything if we deal with it together.”

  Kiyui: “Of course we can.”

  He kissed me again. But this time it was a gently peck on the lips. It was incredibly light… his lips barely brushed mine. Then he lay back down and turned away from me again.

  Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I have really fucked up here… seriously… shit. For the last four years I have been so passive when it comes to our sexual relationship that he’s paranoid that I’m just going along with it to be nice. Fuck… fuck… just… fuck.

  I mean… he’s right… he has always made the first move… he has always instructed me in what to do. Even when I asked to try something different, he was in charge of how it was done, the speed at which it was done, when it was done. Gods… I need to stop him thinking that way… I can’t let him think that I’m just going along with things. I need him to know how much I want him. I need to show him how much I want him.

  I need to initiate… I need to take charge… but not in a possessive domination sort of way… that’s too far in the other direction. I need to be strong… masterful… confident… yes… confident. I need to initiate with confidence. I’ve spent the last four years working out what he enjoys… what he likes… I’ve mentally noted all the things that he does… I can do this… I can be confident… be confident… lead.

  I’m not doing anything… I’m just sat here… staring at the back of his head… fuck’s sake. Confident… be confident… you love him, he loves you, you are just expressing that. You are just proving to him that you want him… you are showing him that you want him. Just reach out to him… fucking reach out… just do it… do it!

  I timidly shuffled forward until my chest was against his back. I placed my hand on his hip and slowly started to slide it down. I leaned my face forward and whispered into his ear.

  Dwynfel: “Kiyui… I want you more than I have ever wanted anything in my entire life.”