"Gloria Perpetua"

  11th month, 17th day, 967

  Valyrian

  I'm back, bitches! Yes, for the first time in a long time I am on a quest for fortune and glory! I am Valyrian, second prince of Anaura, adventurer, master swordsman, and legendary hero responsible for the existence of action figures in this world! What's an action figure, and why specify "this" world? Glad you asked, and I'll answer both of those questions the way I satisfy two girls - simultaneously. Recently, I made friends with a hero from another world who compared the figurines that the dwarves made of me to something he called "action figures" I liked the turn of phrase so much that I started to use it, just like how I adopted his signature thumbs up gesture and words like "dude." Man, it's wild to think about, the existence of other worlds - but I'm real lucky they do exist.

  Here's the thing, there's this band of devil-worshiping cock-asses called the Black Order, and earlier this year they tried to murder my baby sister Illiana. The reasons why don't matter, because alls I care about is the fact they tried to mess with my adorable sis, and that's enough to get 'em a death sentence. Oh boy was I pissed when I found out. But thankfully, our big titty goddess Elianora was watching and a wild hero appeared! That's right, my man Victor Alexander Kirkland was just mindin' his own business on his way to go hunting with some friends from his old army when he got summoned to this world and accidentally flattened the assassins sent to gut my baby sis with his Cadillac - a friggin iron chariot powered by some kinda internal combustion thingy.

  What was I doing here? Oh yeah! You see, we were hunting The Mastermind - the guy who plotted to kill not only my little sis, but also my big bro. Real jerk. Hanzorian, Han for short, had figured out the asshole could only be in one of two places - so two teams were dispatched. Illiana, Vic, and their trickster friend Mal went way out west since his vehicle was capable of reaching the Calvernian Wilderlands within a single day. Crazy, right?

  I was standing in a cold mountain pass, fully refreshed, with the rest of my team. We were outside of an old Gaian ruin, you see, about to take on a dragon: a real piece of work who used to rampage around the countryside nearby. But the dragon wasn't actually that important as he’s just an inconvenience we gotta get past to reach our real goal. Ya see, there was a Black Order base under his lair and we figured The Mastermind could be down there. No doubt Vic and my sis were standing by waiting for us - ugh, the two of ‘em still hadn't kissed or anything - damn it sis, you obviously like the guy just go for it! But it wasn't like I was alone here, either, so lemme tell ya about the crew:

  My sister, older than me by a factor of a hundred years or so, Sylfaena. Lately, Sylfie's been glaring daggers at me and I've got no idea why. Well she's never approved of how I love to go on trysts with human girls - but come on, sis, the babes flock to me it's not like I go looking for them - when the oats come to the pot unbidden, it's time to make porridge!

  Nenewyn Andaure, our court wizard was here, too. She thinks of herself as being plain but I think she is a real cutie. I mean we are technically co-workers since I'm a nominal general of the army and she's a member of the court but, I wouldn't say no to her if she asked me to. There's just somethin' adorable about her that makes me not wanna try too hard with the flirtin', like, she needs a guy who can take a gentler approach, not a blunt instrument like my ass.

  If you think we brought along only one elf swordsman, think again! This new guy, he is really cool, but I bet he wishes he were as cool as me. Just like me, he is a practitioner of the Twin-Vipers style which uses dual arming swords, and is pretty handy with a bow! Yep, he's a mixed attacker. No idea how good he is with a spear, but, I highly doubt he's a match for me. Selafyn Blade is a half-elf from Andalon. What a coincidence! I've been to Andalon! I must've gotten laid like, six or eight times while I was there. Small world, isn't it? Damn I got such fond memories of that barkeep - a blond former adventurer with an eyepatch, Helena Blade. Good times! I get along with Selafyn pretty well; we got a lot of the same tastes in food, humor, women, and we even have the same hairstyle! Man, where the hell did this guy come from and can we keep him? Well, no, we can’t keep him because he's got an adventurin' party already and they seem like a tight group - The White Wolves, who had three members.

  Guy Leonheart's a defender, that is, a fighting-man who fights with a weapon and a shield. In his case he had an arming sword blessed by Saint Luca, and a warhammer enchanted to deal big dick damage to the undead. Like Vic, this guy ain't bad for a human - that can be said of a lot of people from Hylaria, as they've always been friendly to the elves; although my pops forgot to establish a formal trade deal so my sis had to do it for him! It ain't even that deep - he literally forgot! The friggin dwarves got a trade deal before the Hylarians: our strongest allies against evil who aren’t me!

  The last member of our team was the leader of the White Wolves, Rayna. Man, she was friggin hot. Fiery red hair, alabaster skin, huge two-handed sword made from orichalcum alloy, mastery of the Dragonwrath style, magic breastplate; who wouldn't think she was a knockout? But, every time I moved to speak to her my sister glared at me and I backed off. Come on Sylfie, I wasn't trying anything - yet. Truth be told, I respected her as a warrior and wanted to ask her about her heroic exploits; she'd mentioned linnorms and I'd never seen one so I wanted to hear stories!

  I mean granted, yes, I'd love a good tumble with her as well and it was friggin obvious that she was sexually frustrated. The things she was saying to Selafyn and Guy were obviously innuendos suggesting that she was available. It ain't my place to tell those guys to stop being dumb, let them learn their lesson the hard way. Seriously, that Selafyn was cool but he was kinda dense, he must get that from whichever dunce is his old man.

  That was all of us, and now that we were in position, Sylfie cast one of her favorite spells: Transmission. The idea was to alert Vic and Illiana that we were in position. For a long time, we held position - okay it was actually under a minute or so in real time but it sure as hell felt like an eternity.

  Sylfaena said, two fingers to the left ear. "Sis says to press the attack."

  I smirked and sheathed my spear, Dragon's Skewer in flame. Now you might be wondering, how someone as crass and frivolous-soundin' as me could possibly be a great warrior. The answer is, I'm not a great warrior: I'm the best. With my spear, my enchanted mithril scale-mail armor, the fabled cloak of the fire giant queen, and my two trusty swords Orcslayer and Ghoulbreaker, I am the undefeated and undisputed greatest elf warrior alive!

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  Well I mean at least I was whenever - damn it now Vic's got me doin' it - eh, might as well embrace it - whenever I stopped adventuring to take care of my baby sister. Vic went and pointed out that since I'd been out of it for so long there could be someone better for me to fight, which got me all excited; that Selafyn guy's got promise, and he's handsome too I'll bet the ladies love him. Give 'em some time, he's only seen forty-two summers which ain't nothin' to even a half elf.

  I grinned. "Boys and girls, it's time to rock 'em like a hurricane." Vic's old world has some sweet-ass music and he made it a point to play some on our hunting trip.

  With that we charged the lair of the dragon head on. Nenewyn had pre-cast a spell of cold resistance on us, and Sylfie'd gone and charged Rayna's sword with fire. Guy was on point, I was behind him, the mages were behind me, and our strikers were flanking the mages. We found the lazy old worm casually chewing on a large Gruff. Must I explain everything? Sheesh! It's a goat the size of a drafthorse, very tasty but also useful so, whatever movin' on. The dragon’s deep blue eyes, resembling a glacial lake, regarded us with disdain and disinterest.

  "Adventurers," it groaned, "couldst thou not have come seeking thy doom after I'd finished my repast? Pay it no mind, when the prey leapeth into thine snare of its own volition, then the time hath come to feast upon raw flesh."

  I put my hand behind my left ear and leaned in, "What was that? I don't speak dumb dragon idioms!"

  Sylfie sighed and said, "It's literally the same as your stupid porridge line, only ‘tis likely more literally about food."

  Nenewyn smirked, and said "He also bluffs poorly - dragons don't actually eat people. We are rather detrimental to their digestive tracts."

  Whoa, whoa, wait, when did Nene get so confident! Ah, who am I kiddin' it's Vic's influence. This new side of her is hot too. Unbelievable, now there’s even more to like about her!”

  The dragon swallowed a chunk of meat, "Thou art certainly wiser than the average tomb-bothering slaughter-vagabonds that occasionally wander through mine territory. Tell me then, do you in sooth wish to treat with this Snacqua to the end of forging some sort of accord? I fear that my present employer would raise objections."

  Rayna clicked her tongue. “Employer? You mean to say that the Black Order is paying you."

  The dragon's eye had a slight glint. "Ah, how thou came to know the identity of my patrons is mysterious, but immaterial and ultimately futile. Indeed, they pay quite handsomely and I highly doubt that you could muster nearly the gold and gems required to make an offer that would cause this Snacqua to step aside and permit you entry."

  The lazy dragon stood up on all fours, yes, he had four legs plus two wings on his back. Don't be dumb! I said he was a dragon not a bloody wyvern!

  Guy brandished his blade, "Well regardless, we are come to end thee rightly, worm!"

  "Thou wouldst have the hubris to claim that thou'rt possessed of such strength to put this

  Snacqua to ruin? I, Snacqua the eternal cold, Snacqua the devouring blizzard, Snacqua the-"

  I interrupted with "About to decorate my fireplace! Charge!"

  First, Nenewyn cast one of her sickest spells that she'd been saving for a special occasion; well okay saving ain't exactly right because she doesn't forget it after she casts it or anything like that. More like - gah this ain't no time for a lecture. After just a few words of magic she uttered the name of the spell: Haste. Ho boy this felt great, our reaction and movement speeds went way up. The dragon tried to nail Guy with a bite, but Guy was too quick and smacked it in the face with his shield which he followed up with a riposte that drew blood across its scaly cheek. Sylfie gathered crimson magic energy in her two fingers as she moved around the chamber, pumping for intensity, and loosed a ray of fire that struck the dragon in its flank - ooh how it shrieked! It was pissed! My big sis is the best at fire!

  Once the dragon had turned its head to face my sister, Rayna moved quickly to attack the dragon's other flank; when she attacked with that large sword of hers, she swung more with her hips and legs than with her arms to great effect. Yeah she didn't even have to go berserk; with a wide cutting swing with a sword bursting with magic fire, she gave that dragon a nasty wound. Its armor was tough but he wasn't invincible, not to magic weapons at least. Selafyn had, rather than using his swords, brought out a longbow and was going for the snoot - that irritated the dragon enough to where he needed to close his eyes. But there was no sense draggin' this out, so I struck. I leaped high into the air with my spear and came down hard on the monster's back; Dragon's Skewer struck true, biting through armor and flesh both - the dragon crumpled. That might have killed an ordinary foe, but dragons are resilient creatures so it was merely stunned. While I held it down Rayna finished the job with a nice clean chop through the neck, which severed the head; sweet, perfect trophy cut.

  I whistled and several elf soldiers came out of hiding; they were none other than members of The Wild Bunch, the unit I led back whenever I was fightin' a war to save that dumb cousin of mine. It was their job to field dress the dragon, leaving no part behind, and then head back to Tor Anaura; the head was already in Rayna's portable hole, incidentally. I had to show it to Vic, duh! I had my own a portable hole too actually, in my back pocket as usual - a larger model than the one carried by the redheaded beauty.

  What came next was a brutal battle where we all nearly died. Ha! Just kidding. It was a one-sided massacre; the Black Order bastards didn't know what hit 'em; which they're probably used to by now considerin' how many of 'em got merked by my friend's car. By spell, by blade, by tripping into their own traps in a state of panic, they all fell. We found their teleportation square in a small chamber, so of course we sealed it off. Once we figured we'd taken them all out we stripped the place of everything that wasn't nailed down, and then we started working on the ones that were nailed down too.

  When I say we took everything, I mean we took everything - even the food, oh yes, especially the food. By the time we were done it looked like an empty ruin devoid of even the barest furniture and no signs of habitation. If it couldn't be sold outright, it'd be stashed until we found a buyer, otherwise we had a mage or two who could transmute junk into raw materials. Nenewyn even used one of her famous utility spells to strip precious metals off of the wall decorations! Once everything was loaded up in various extradimensional spaces and pack animals we headed out; first to Hylaria to meet up with the others, then to Tor Anaura.

  Once we gathered the party, then it'd be time to party.