Victor
That was a hell of a meeting. I was in for one dilly of a shock - Hanzo without a mask! Well okay while that was surprising, the real shocker was learning just how many layers this whole plan had - that was some "villain rich enough to raise a castle above the clouds" level chess mastery. I had a feeling the king was gonna pick me for the job, but I had already decided I wanted to do it. I mean, it's pretty obvious why - my Cadillac makes short work of long distances. I wanted to spend more time in Tor Anaura, yeah it was a beautiful and enchanting place - a certain short guy with furry feet sure was onto something for wanting to live with elves, I decided.
But it seemed like I didn't have time to fully explore and relax - whenever I first went to Paris me and grandpa spent a whole week of my summer vacation checkin' out the city and the surrounding countryside before we took a grand tour of the whole continent. Ah, then there was the princess and her outburst - I caught the first half of it, and well, she made some damn good points. I was fixin' to invite her anyway but it was kinda nice that she was enthusiastic about the idea. I wondered what the hell she was shouting about at the end; whatever it was, Val was laughing his ass off, and when I asked him what she said all he did was laugh even harder. Up until then elvish sounded like singing when it was spoken, like a slow enchanting aria: this time the princess sounded like she was belting some Scandinavian scream metal. Speaking of the princess, she was walking beside me now as we made our way through the marketplace.
"Um," I began, "so what happened back there anyway, after you turned off your magic?"
She turned to face me and snapped, "it is of no consequence!", then her cheeks flushed, she yelped, and said, "apologies. I meant to say that I made a rather embarrassing bluff that I didn't want you to hear because I didn't want you to imagine it, to see with your mind's eye. I-I didn't mind if my family heard it but you…"
I nodded, arms folded. I reckoned I understood. "Ah, so you threatened to shave yourself bald, or dye your hair pink, or get a full body tattoo, or change your name, or something equally ridiculous?"
She cast her eyes down, "aye, something to that effect I suppose."
Oh now I was really curious. I grinned and said, pleadingly, "one hint, pretty please?"
She clenched her fist and furrowed her brow, "absolutely not! Come, we are almost to our destination."
I clicked my tongue, "well excuse me, princess."
All right, fine, I'll leave well enough alone - probably best for my health if I do so anyway. The market was a bustly place which was to be expected. It was mostly humans, elves, and half elves, but I did see one dwarf: yes, I saw a dwarf in an elf city. He was twice as wide as a man and half as tall; I reckoned he was about 95% muscle. Ah, he was selling what appeared to be crude firearms and the princess did confirm that this was the same guy she'd seen selling them.
The details of our conversation aren't important but I did ask the guy about his guns and confirmed that they were smooth-bore muzzle loaders. I said they were crude before but maybe that's not being fair - the weapons themselves were kinda cool looking, elaborately decorated and clearly crafted with skilled hands. From my perspective and knowing modern firearms, I thought the mechanism was a bit crude though. Once we moved on from the weapons stall, we wound up in front of a spice merchant's stand.
That was my signal to bring out my "wares". To recap: I had 2 pounds each of coarse black pepper, kosher salt, granulated garlic, chili powder, brown sugar, and cayenne pepper. I also had coffee beans, which the princess thought that maybe she could find a buyer for some of it - I was willing to part with one pound of it, tops. As for the rest, I wanted to keep at least half a pound of everything else for dry rubs and other things. Not selling the hot sauce or the Scotch though; and I wondered what this world's equivalent to Scotch whiskey even was, and where I could get some hot peppers.
"The reason why we're selling spices here," the princess had explained, "is that this market is further down the supply chain than Cara - so they'd be sold for a higher price. That way we can negotiate a better deal for us."
She really knew her stuff. Ah that's right, hadn't the king put her in charge of negotiating trade deals or something? Yeah I guess when ya live for hundreds of years more than the other guy you might need to renegotiate every few generations or so. Anyways, she put on her charms, acting far more graceful than she had at the meeting.
At the end, we managed to score twenty-one gold coins, seven silver coins, and five copper coins. The princess gave me another lesson, this time about the exchange rates and the standardized coin sizes set by the old empire that used to span most of the entire continent. It was interesting stuff, actually. There were of course other denominations, but the majority of business done around these parts was done with these three: gold crowns, silver helms, and copper caps.
Oh she went real hard on the sugar actually, I got the impression she realized he was trying to rip us off; he apologized and upped his offer. After we milked that poor merchant dry, phrasing, we set about offloading the gear that we'd taken off the assassins way back in the forest. We were only going to sell off their weapons here, that is, the dual daggers and short sword belonging to the six guys I'd flattened. The manzanita stick was still being held by that Nenewyn lady, the court mage, who was trying to discern its properties for us, and the vials turned out to be magic potions and I reckoned they might come in handy.
As for the snuffbox, although it was of superb quality, such things were more popular with human nobility than with elves so the princess said we should try and find a buyer in Cara. From this deal we scored an additional forty-six gold coins for a grand total of sixty-seven. I had never seen so much gold in my life; hell most people didn't, where I came from. But I also didn't know what the approximate exchange rate was either. Okay so if a sword like this retails for ten gold coins of this size…damn, I have no idea how much a real sword costs in my world! There's too many factors to consider; I'd better not think about it too much and just enjoy myself.
"So I was thinkin'," I said while we snacked on some street food, "I'd like to buy some armor. I might get into a situation where I'll need it."
The princess said, "we can wait until Cara for that, armor is a bit less expensive there. The last time I checked, it was fairly reasonable in the capital - Caer Caradon. Thanks to all the adventurers there's a high supply of armaments."
I nodded, yeah that made perfect sense. I wasn't thinking anything too fancy, maybe like a mail shirt or something. Obviously I wasn't going to have access to kevlar or any such. But something relatively light offering a decent measure of protection would be great! After that was finished, we went back to the Flagon and started packing everything into the trunk of my car. I wanted to eat some more of that bronto prime rib before we left; the princess and I enjoyed some dinner, and parted ways - until the next morning, that is.
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
Incidentally, we didn't manage to sell the coffee beans - too many lowball offers, apparently, and honestly I was hesitant to sell it at all. After breakfast and coffee, I made my way back to the palace for our final briefing - I had parked my car outside the gate and there was an entire procession there. The princess herself was standing eagerly with her luggage, which of course I dutifully loaded into the trunk as well.
But boy was I surprised: there was an actual, living dragon in the courtyard! This reddish-brown vaguely reptilian creature with two majestic wings, four long limbs, and a powerful tail, was Snauro - Valyrian's trusty mount. He reckoned that since I didn't have dragons in my old world that maybe I'd appreciate seeing one before I left the city. Well he was right! I even got to pet the feller, who nuzzled me a little.
Dragons of Snauro's breed were classified under an umbrella term called "median dragons", which is to say they are somewhat intelligent, can not speak, but can form empathetic links with humanoids. Higher dragons were obscenely intelligent, could speak multiple languages, and were some of the best magic-users in the world. Lower dragons were little more than wild animals; savage, territorial, and dangerous monsters.
Val gave me a vigorous handshake hug, you know, the kind where you slap each other's hands as if starting an arm wrestling match and pull it in.
"Man, I wish I could go with you two. The old man has me guarding the city," he said, "and Han wants to keep me nearby in case something big shows up."
Tactically speaking that made sense, but I could see he was disappointed, "well, if we run into anything we can't handle I reckon we'll find some way to call ya."
Val laughed, "and you know I'd come flying! Just protect my sister, all right? And don't even think about dying - you're too damn entertaining!"
I fist-pumped him - a gesture I taught him during our drinking session, and held up three fingers, "scout's honor." Incidentally, I also taught him the thumbs up, the peace sign, and the word "dude".
The next person to speak to us was Hanzo, still unmasked, so weird. Huh. Was that the same lady from yesterday? Oh I had asked the princess why her eyes were that color - basically, when it came to high elves their eyes could be the color of any shiny gemstone or what have you imaginable, and genetics didn't play much into it: a pair of ruby-eyed elves could produce children with blue-sapphire eyes, for instance.
Hanzo handed me a stack of papers. "Here are the dossiers I have on the court, as well as several other known entities throughout the kingdom" he said, "also the map detailing a few potential ambush sites."
"Thanks," I said, smiling, "very Batman of you."
"Hmm? Who is that, and why do I remind you of him?"
"Oh, my favorite comic book hero," I started counting on my fingers, "you dress in black, have a strong sense of justice, talk all gruff, are stealthy, strike fear into the hearts of criminals, you're an excellent detective, and you're always prepared for basically everything."
"Hm. I see."
The spymaster and the other, oh right, the high inquisitor, started walking away, but then he stopped, and turned his head slightly to face me.
"By the way, human, why do you shorten my name to Hanzo, and with such ease and conviction?"
I scratched the back of my head and said, laughing, "oh, well, there's this island country in my old world that used to consist of a series of warring states. There was a great leader who united the whole country under one banner. One of his most loyal retainers was a man whose name was, by some happy coincidence, Hanzo - he was also rumored to be a ninja, er, which is a master of stealth and espionage."
Well at least that's how he's portrayed in movies and video games anyway. Hanzo turned away, paused, then returned his gaze back to me; wait, was he smiling? Whaaat? Even the princess was taken aback, she actually cried out in surprise.
"Then I will allow it. Good luck," he said, vanishing into the palace.
"Well don't that just beat all," I said. He sure was a…what did Sakamoto call it? A sunny derriere? You know like that redhead in the red suit, whom he had a figurine of? No wait, that's wrong. Eh whatever. Huh? Did my eyes deceive me, or did he and the inquisitor lady start holdin' hands? Nah, no way.
Two of the other princesses plus the first prince, each came to see their little sister off, and gave her some gifts for the road; a silken scarf and a pair of gloves, how charming! Eh? Were the girls glaring at me suspiciously? Or is that just the otherworldly, inhuman quality I noticed older elves had in their gazes? I could have sworn she had three sisters but - ah right - the third princess was employed in another country, wasn't she? After that, Miss Nenewyn came by and handed us the manzanita wand. I wondered at that moment why an elf needed glasses if their vision was so good, but, I thought' it would be rude to ask.
"It is a wand containing five castings of expedience - it allows the recipient to run faster for a limited period of time."
"A powerup, huh? Could prove useful. What happens when you run out of charges?"
"Well um, it would still be useful as a spellcasting focus - but given enough time and magic dust, someone capable of casting the selfsame spell could replenish it."
I stuck my thumb up, "all right. Thanks, Miss Nenewyn!" The mage bowed her head and went back indoors. I got the impression she preferred not to be outside so much.
The last person to see us off was the king, along with his herald."
"O adventurers brave! We pray to Elianora for your success," he declared, "be expedient, and never lose hope!" Then he took a deep breath and drew in close, "well, that is all for formalities," he said, "come, Illiana, give your-" he didn't have to finish that sentence, because the princess gave him a huge embrace. I got the impression she was just a big hugger in general.
He turned to me and said, "as for thee, may I see that knife of yours? Do not draw it, keep it in its sheathe. Hesitantly I handed it to him, sheathe and all. Then the king began muttering words in the language of magic, my Bowie Knife glowed brightly. When the radiance faded, he handed it back to me and said, "I have permanently enchanted the sheathe - when you draw your knife, it shall be sharpened, and when you relinquish the blade, it shall be cleaned and repaired of any tiny notches - but if your blade snaps in half, for example, you'll still need to have it repaired at a smithy.."
"Well uh. Thanks, your majesty," I bowed deeply.
With a pair of maids attending him, the king returned to the palace. Now it was just me and the princess. Our gazes met, and we nodded - time to go. I sat in the car and started flipping through my CD wallet, selecting the right music was crucial. I was so glad I had some physical media because it wasn't like I could access that streaming audio service in this world. I had to check my smartphone to see what I had downloaded, too: I did have an aux cable and a car charger after all. Meanwhile, the princess was busy casting an array of spells on the car. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention - our experiment was a huge success! If my math was right, we had increased our fuel efficiency to an average of 23 miles to the gallon! That was friggin amazing!
The princess hopped into the passenger seat and buckled up - I picked up something I'd been saving and handed it to her - before I left the inn, I'd made it a point to brew some more French press coffee, poured it into my insulated bottle, and added the amount of cream and sugar that she liked. Once she realized what it was I'd given her she was beyond delighted. I turned on the engine. As a song about country roads taking me home played on the stereo we were off!
Farewell, Tor Anaura, until we meet again!
Should I post bigger chunks, 4k+?
