Victor

  As the smouldering remains of our enemies filled the air with acrid smoke, the princess and I set about sweeping the compound to make sure it was clear. Turns out the princess had used roughly 70% of her total available magical energy throughout the day; far less of her total than she'd been down when we'd first met. Yeah, those disease curings really did a number back then! We took such spoils as could be had from the goblins, and there was one more thing I needed to check. As you'll remember, back at the stable there had been signs of more horses than there had been horse corpses.

  "Hmm," I said, leaning down and examining the ground, "okay, I can see two sets of horse tracks, one leads towards that low wall, the other leads towards the gate. There's a large pool of blood by the gate, but the wall," I peered over the wall, saw that the side of the hill wasn't terribly steep and it wasn't a large drop from the wall, and I didn't see a dead horse. Ah ha!

  With the princess following close, I clambered over the wall and checked the ground; yes, more hoof prints. Of course I didn't see any tracks in the grass, but there was a patch of dirt at the bottom with more prints heading towards the river. Sure enough, after a short bit of searching we saw it: a big burly black horse built like a Clydesdale, munching on grass near the water.

  "All right, watch closely princess," I said, "I'm about to save us some gasoline."

  I approached gingerly, taking care not to spook the poor beast. Ah you beautiful creature. Probably scared. Your friends were all butchered and now you're wondering where the master is. Don't worry, he's all right. Yes, that's a good boy. I looked into the horse's eyes, and approached just the way I'd learned. I mean it helped that this was already a trained animal, I guessed, but this poor feller had run away from home, frightened. That's right, I'm here to help. I carefully reached out, and managed to touch the horse. There we go. Figuring I'd gained his trust, I tried giving it a gentle stroke - success! Once convinced it was safe, I motioned for the princess to join me.

  Together we managed to guide the horse back to the estate house where we tracked down one of his saddles. There wasn't anything like a bit and bridle set, but with my rope and the princess's wood shaping magic we were able to improvise a new set and hitch it up to the front of the Cadillac. It's likely important to note that we also took the head of the goblin brute with us, despite the smell.

  What followed was a nice leisurely ride up the road back to the capital - oh sure it was somewhere in the neighborhood of five hours long, but it was uneventful. I was mounted on the horse, and the princess took a nap inside the Cadillac; she told me that her magic comes back faster if she can get some shut-eye which actually made sense to me. How many of y'all can say you don't appreciate sleep's restorative effects? But moving on.

  We'd arrived back at the capital city and we tracked down our quest patron. Naturally, he was in a state of shock and disbelief.

  "B-but, it-it's only been um," he pulled out a pocket watch, confirming once and for all that this world had at least discovered clockwork, "why, just about six hours or more?"

  "Worry not, milord," said the princess, she's really getting into this whole incognito thing acting all deferential to a man she would technically outrank, "we have ample proof on our chips, and well, we brought a trophy with us."

  "A-a t-t-trophy?"

  I whipped out the head, and the man turned pale; don't worry his family wasn't there at the time, ain't no way I was gonna take that thing out with children present…outside of Halloween. "We could also take you with us back to the estate to show you, though we'll need to take horses this time."

  "Wha? What other method could you possibl-"

  "Not important, also, sorry, we kind of borrowed one of your draft horses, a big black feller. Here, let's get you two reunited."

  At that point we all went outside, and sure enough, lord Masson jumped for joy when he saw the horse. We explained how we'd found some horse remains in his stable, but that we'd noticed hoofprints leading towards a wall and how we'd tracked him to the river. The tearful man started heaping praise on the horse, calling him a clever b-boy. The three of us then made our way to the adventurer's guild where Juliette proceeded to verify the completion of the quest.

  "Oh my, that's quite a few goblins for two people and," she turned white as a sheet, "a brute?"

  I cradled my chin, "It breaks it down for you like that?"

  She nodded, "one of the enchantments on your chips uses pattern magic much like the achievement patches. It can recognize patterns, as you might expect."

  "Well don't that just beat all," I said, "did it tell ya about the three - urp -" the mental image. Look, normally to cope with something this nasty I'd just blurt it out and get it over with, tear off the plastic adhesive bandage, but, please, there were ladies present!

  The princess, as though recalling something, said "oh of course! Juliette, there were broodmothers there. Three of them, and they were in the process of breeding when my friend saw them. There is evidence of their remains inside of a wine cellar we set fire to from behind cover."

  If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  For someone so easily grossed out, she sure was nonchalant about this. Oh wait, this involved getting us extra spending money didn't it? Absolute. Laser.

  I didn't think the gal could get any paler but here we are, "Saw them? As in saw - oh," Juliette's facial expression shifted to one who looked like she wanted to rub my back and call me "sweetie". Then she snapped back to reality, "Gah! But three female goblins, in heat no less, in the same place? This could have been worse. So, so much worse. Shaking, she pointed towards me, "a-anyroad judging by the size of that sack," ha, if I had a dime, "could that be a Brute's-"

  "Ya better believe it," I patted the burlap sack, "now who do we gotta show this off to?"

  "Someone with a stronger stomach than me," she cleared her throat and excused herself, "please wait here, I'll fetch the guildmaster."

  The princess said, "the pattern recognition can make mistakes, so if there's something unexpected it's helpful to bring back proof just in case. Well, in the case of goblins the patterns are pretty well-known but Juliette told me a story about how a party consisting entirely of alfinos got credit for brutes when they only fought lankies. She realized something was up because brutes are so rare that the odds of running into several at once meant that their chips had failed to account for the height difference.

  "Are alfinos especially short?"

  "Very, they're even shorter than goblins. The head chef of the palace, Benvolio, is one."

  I crossed my arms, "I'm starting to get a striking suspicion that alfinos are this world's equivalent to the guys who go around shoeless and get excited when beer comes in pints."

  The princess tilted her head, "how did you know they don't wear shoes?"

  That settled it. But I didn't have time to marvel at it, or to ask the princess how the mistake had happened; she'd tell me later, during one of our long education sessions, it was this world's very own version of a data entry error. That was because there came a loud boisterous laugh.

  "FWA HA HA!"

  Suddenly a heavily muscular man with a long pointy mustache which stuck out a couple inches on either side of his square-jawed face appeared. He had white hair on the side of his head, none on top, and a thick carpet of hair covered his chest. Thick and hairy arms crossed, he nodded at the princess and looked directly at me.

  Shifting to the akimbo position, he said in a loud, boisterous voice, "You there! I heard you fought against a goblin brute with just two wood-ranked party members and lived - naturally I got curious and wanted to meet you - FWA HA HA!"

  The princess said, "I thought you came here for the head viewing?"

  The man stroked his chin, as he moved his muscles pulsated, damn this guy is jacked!

  "Well yes, I did, at that! But when I heard that it was that new party that you-know-who is a member of, Red Lightning, what did this thing in, I had to see for myself! FWA HA HA!"

  How very theatrical, I thought, "well, here's the brute's head," I handed over the burlap sack and the man, whom I'd deduced was the guildmaster, started to look it over.

  "Oh yes, I've wrestled with a few of these in my day - there's no mistaking it. This is a green forest goblin brute; but what in the name of the short-devil is one doing with a tribe of common hill goblins?"

  The princess slapped the counter, oh that reminded me of a certain Athena, not the goddess mind you, "Naturally, I thought the same thing. I believe the payout for this quest was 500. With this brute and the broodmothers added to the mix, we want 700."

  Damn, she could be right ferocious when it came to getting a deal. Not gonna lie, that's kind of hot. I know, imaginary Duke, you can dispense with the arms akimbo pose and the furrowed brow!

  There was a glint in the guildmaster's eyes, he at first seemed angry, or constipated, but then, he grinned broadly.

  "FWA HA HA! Yes! That seems fair to me! You've done the whole capital region a big service by destroying their breeders, and the unexpected hazard certainly demands additional compensation! FWA HA HA! Juliette, please have their pay prepared in whichever denomination they like!"

  Juliette said to Masson, "don't worry, we cover situations like this - you won't have to pay anything additional to what you already have."

  "Well then, enough formalities, FWA HA HA!" The guildmaster turned to face the princess, "it is very good to see you again! How is my old friend Valyrian?"

  "I am glad to see you hale and healthy, Sir Chuck. Big brother is well, and I did pass your well-wishes to him while I was at home."

  I started, "wait, this big bear knows Val?" Also, the guildmaster's name is "Chuck"?

  "FWA HA HA! Big bear? Yes, that suits me fairly well," he began to flex and pose, and then do an impression of a bear growling, "but to answer your question, young man, yes! Me and that fellow go way back - we used to be in an adventuring party together, and made all sorts of trouble."

  Val had mentioned he'd gone on some adventures after the princess grew up, but then - what was it that happened again? Ah their mom went on her pilgrimage and so he stopped going out entirely but that was over…

  "Wait, didn't Val stop adventuring some sixty years ago or more? Wouldn't that make you…?"

  He grinned, "old as the hills! Yes! I am ninety-five years young this year! Ah Valyrian. Yes, I did stop seeing him quite awhile ago, and I had no idea why," he tousled the princess' hair, "until this little one showed up! Ah, the times we used to have; not a dry maiden in the entire kingdom after we strolled in! FWA HA HA!"

  The princess covered her face, "I did not need to hear that part!"

  "Well nevermind that," I was still taken aback, "so hey, about the broodmother thing, could you keep that on a need-to-know ba-" I realized I was using an idiom, "could you keep that a secret?"

  The guildmaster assumed another striking pose, "yes, it seems a reasonable request; I won't ask why, it seems important to you, and to her, at the very least. I owe her big brother that much and more at least! FWA HA HA HA!"

  "Much appreciated," I tipped my hat and bowed, the former gesture not having been ruined by reddit in this world I was gonna milk it.

  A few minutes later, Juliette came back with cash money. Some of it was in silver, some in copper, but most of it was in gold. The princess explained that gold crowns were typically used for big purchases like suits of armor, tools, weapons, and magical gear, while silver helms and copper caps were for more everyday purchases like food. I did ask, and yes, "caps" has come to be slang for copper coins in the northern half of the continent and unfortunately, "no cap" exists in this world too as a result, meaning "I'm broke" and variations of "for free".

  The gold coins had a picture of a kingly crown, the silver coins had a picture of a plumed sallet helmet with a visor, and the copper coins had a pointy robin hood type hat with a feather. Wait, didn't Sakamoto have a painted model called - ah nevermind - it's not important. What was important is that we'd gotten the job done and gotten paid!

  Quoth the man with brown spiky hair wearing a green singlet: "mission…complete".