Victor

  That's one twenty minute drive for me, and several hours by cart for anyone else! There is no job that we can't pull off with haste, accept no substitutes, and satisfaction guaranteed! Yes siree, Red Lightning strikes fast, strikes hard, and does it with the sort of exceptional style that can only be acquired by driving a true American classic; the 1967 Cadillac deVille! The princess was munching on potato chips; we were almost out of them by now. Meanwhile I was surveying the land of the estate; we had parked the car a safe distance away and had covered it up with the gilly cloth that the elves were so very kind enough to recover for me.

  Peering through my binoculars, I saw that there were a few of the "lanky" goblins patrolling outside the man-high stone wall with a layer of brick on top. The main gate was open, and I could see some of them lazing about inside the courtyard. Ha, by the way, the princess had been speechless when I pulled these out - one spyglass is expensive but two is obscene, it seems. Sorry princess, I haven't got elf eyes so I sort of need optical enhancements!

  "I don't have a good idea of their numbers," I said, "reckon I should snipe at them from here to thin their numbers before we rush inside to clear the rest of the place out."

  "Right."

  She put on the special piece of equipment that had served her well in a previous skirmish. I still only owned one set of heavy duty ear protectors, but I figured It would be best to let the one with extra sensitive ears wear them. The princess could just heal my eardrums afterwards, like she did last time. I handed over the binoculars and unslung my rifle. I didn't want to rely too much on my firearms for this mission, but I wanted to secure the perimeter first. I lined up my shot while the princess kept an eye out for trouble. I had always trained for times like this, even when I was working as a grease monkey in that sweat-ass smelling place.

  I had two normal four-round magazines and one ten-round magazine; I'd brought the high capacity mag for target shootin' originally but it was going to get some use here if we had a bunch of goblins running after us. Kapow! My gun sang four times, and four goblins fell dead. I reloaded, there was still one on the perimeter looking dumbfounded; I took him out. That's fifteen rounds spent so far. We changed positions, falling back and a little to the left, and waited a moment, it didn't seem like a horde of goblins had started pouring out of the house so I reckoned it was a good time to move in.

  I slung my rifle over my back and we started moving as stealthily as we could. Well being day time there weren't really any shadows to hide in and we didn't have Hanzo's special cloaks either, but we managed. A pair of goblins, the taller ones that stood up to my chest or so, had come out to see what all the noise was about and had just discovered the bodies I'd just made. Unlike when shooting human bad guys, I didn't really feel any sort of guilt slaying goblins - they were truly vile, loathsome things. Bestial evil made flesh and given a two-legged form, not true humanoid creatures.

  Once we were relatively close, they saw us, and the battle of the wine house gate began! The princess stood back-to-back with me, first slinging a stone arrow that caused one of them to stagger, and then drawing her slender elvish saber. I had my Bowie knife ready, too, as they charged. From a combined effort of her sweeping swipe and my thrusting, the first goblin fell dead. The other one, who had lagged behind just a few steps, was on top of us the moment the first guy fell; the princess parried his scimitar strike and that gave me the opportunity to close in and plunge my knife into his gut. Today I learned that goblin blood is black; I wonder what they got for blood-cell pigment?

  Into the courtyard we went, the stench of blood and other bodily extrusions which shall remain nameless hanged heavily over the air. The goblins we saw in the courtyard were either drunk or hung over so we dispatched them with little issue. But then four more of them came out of the front door of the manor. Now things were getting interesting. The princess first blasted them with a gust spell, which knocked down the shorties and only moderately inconvenienced the taller ones. Once again we closed in, my right hand on my knife and my left hand in a defensive posture.

  That first goblin didn't even get past the princess, who managed to sever his carotid artery, he fell dead, the second one deflected her blow only to be surprised by a karate punch and then a knife jab. Then the princess incanted a brief spell. The wind punch struck true and caved in the third goblin's skull. The fourth goblin had yet to rise so I leaped forward, executed a downward thrust into its belly, then finished off the third goblin just in case the princess' spell had merely knocked him out. That is when the big one came.

  I heard a thunderous roar and the sound of heavy footprints. The two of us backed up a fair bit, for the noise was coming from inside the house. There it was, standing a head over myself, the biggest and ugliest goblin I had seen since we got here. It was heavily muscled, with big long ears, beady black eyes like that of a shark, a pointed nose, and a mouth full of sharp yellow teeth. Oh and it was naked; not even bothering with the loin cloth either. Nor did it have any sort of armor that I could see. God above it reeked, a bit like rotten flesh and cow dung. It may not have had a real weapon, but it was holding a thick chain; quarter inch or more, I thought, big enough to be dangerous.

  "Whoa! That's a big chungus," I said.

  The princess cried, staff drawn, "It comes, stay on guard!"

  The creature loped forward, swinging the chain around. I sighed.

  "Nope," I said, "not taking any chances."

  I drew my pistol from its holster, took aim, and fired. Three man-stopping rounds plunged into its torso, and it only staggered a little and became angry. Fair enough, you're a big boy, probably stronger than the average man, and probably a challenge for a party of four adventurers wielding standard weapons. I know I need melee practice but, against something like that? Not yet, and I've got a princess to protect here. I emptied the rest of the magazine into the creature, and all but one of the rounds found purchase; he had managed to deflect one with his chain, miraculously enough. That's a total of seven bullets in the creature's body - seven in the mag, one in the chamber. The Goblin Of Unusual Size groaned, ceased his forward momentum, crumpled to the ground, and moved no more. I dropped to my knees. I felt warmth on my left shoulder; ah, she'd come to check on me.

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  "Are…are you all right?"

  I nodded, "yeah. Thanks for lookin' out for me. That was close."

  The princess checked me over for wounds but found none, "still I wasn't expecting this. But we were ready."

  "What was that thing anyway?"

  "A goblin brute. I wouldn't have expected one here because these other goblins are the common variety. This one here has skin that's a much deeper, darker green. This tribe of common goblins must have taken in a forest goblin who grew up into a brute."

  "So what does that mean for us?"

  The princess smirked, "extra pay if I have anything to say about it."

  I laughed, "I'll leave that part to you."

  After we gathered ourselves we set about clearing the exterior of the house and outside buildings such as the shed. We found two badly mangled human bodies, both male, and both showing signs of having been gnawed on, in a pile of gore along with the de-meated heads of three horses. Huh, funny, there were provisions for at least five horses; I made it a point to follow up here.

  The next thing we did was clear the house, using the following strategy. Standing side by side and back to back, a sort of two-person V-shaped Macedonian Phalanx, if you would, we would make our way through the narrow halls; if we had to check a room, one of us would look while the other stood watch. When we found goblins we first had the princess pelt them with magic and then let them try and close in. Anything that got past her sword swipes got the business end of my fighting knife, if either of us were injured, she would heal us up. So far we had been pacing her magic usage fairly well.

  There was one group of archers that required Windscreen, followed by a quick charge to close in and finish them, but beyond that it was mostly small groups in the hallways and the rooms of the home. When the first floor was cleared of goblins we proceeded to the second floor and repeated the whole process. Shoulder to shoulder we cut our way through the beasts. None of the other encounters we experienced could have topped the goblin brute, as he was the only one we really didn't plan for.

  There was one more surprise though, when we went to check the wine cellar. Through a brick and mortar passage, down a staircase to another hall, to a wooden door, we came. I could hear the sounds of gibbering from the inside as well as other strange sounds. Howling or moaning or the like, and rapid breathing. I gave the princess the signal I'd taught her for "hold position", and crept closely to the door. I opened the door slowly, very slowly, as the sounds grew louder; and when I did I was treated to a sight that would require me to get blackout drunk for sure.

  In the middle of the huge room, amid broken wine barrels, there were three misshapen creatures with the signature ears of goblins, with folds upon folds of adipose tissue and what can only be described as frog-skinned tits. But what could be worse? How about the fact that these hideous things were in the middle of getting ploughed by a male goblin - yeah I knew that kind of pelvic thrusting when I saw that. Then there was that reek; I thought the brute smelled bad, actually it occurred to me that maybe he had been here recently, which made it worse. Imagine the foulest fuck smell imaginable, yeast infections and syphillis all around, then add wine that has been allowed to go bad, fecal matter, sweat, vomit, rotting flesh. I was going to be sick, oh Lord Jesus Christ please give me fortitude.

  I heard a shout from within - oh shit, had they heard me? I shut the door and turned to the princess, whispering "what did they say?" I must have appeared violently ill because the princess actually cured me of the nausea, but not the mental image.

  "I heard them say wait your turn or something to that effect," she tilted her head, "what do you suppose he meant by that?"

  "You really don't want to know, princess. Trust me. Can you…can you use stone pillar somewhat quietly?"

  "I think so, but-"

  "Great. Swell. Can I have you seal this hallway shut then, but leave a little room at the top?"

  "All right," the princess began her incantation, slowly, I could hear the grinding of stone on stone and peeked under the door; indeed, I could see the stone that the princess was shaping into a makeshift wall. "There, done," she said.

  Sure enough, when I re-opened the door, the passage was completely blocked except for a foot or so at the roof, higher than any goblin could hope to climb. "All right, now we need something with which to make fire."

  "Fire? What for? Sir Victor please, I can tell that something is bothering you - please tell me what's wrong. Just trust me, please!"

  Gah. I couldn't argue with that look she was giving me. I relented. I tried to break it to her gently. But she stopped me the moment I mentioned the goblins were rutting in there. At first she seemed grossed out, but then she took a deep breath and furrowed her brow.

  "Broodmothers," she said, matter-of-factly, "this is grave news indeed, and I fully understand why you felt disturbed. First a brute and now not one, but three broodmothers in the same place? This is highly unusual."

  "You seem to know a lot about goblins."

  "Naturally, they've been the enemy of the elves almost as long as the orcs! Big brother told me about them, Ser Tac-" she paused, "Hanzorian provided me with a great deal of information once I decided to become an adventurer. Even elder brother knew a thing or two and was happy to relate them to me."

  Big brother was Valyrian, and elder brother was Illorien, as I learned; two terms with distinct words in the elvish language, a formal way of referring to an older brother and an affectionate informal one. I'm sure Kenny woulda said that the princess was calling Val "oniichan" and Illorien "oniisama" or something to that effect. But that's not important right now: the princess confirmed that yes indeed - kill it with fire was a good answer. To make a long story short, we found some kitchen grease, lamp oil, and other burnable things plus some shredded bedsheets. By the time we got back to the room, there was desperate scratching going on inside and a lot of what I assumed was swearing.

  I placed some flammable materials on top of the wall, used my lighter to ignite it, and gave the signal for the princess to cast a whirlwind into the room. I used a piece of wood we'd found to push the burning pile of greasy garbage into the room. As I had hoped, the whirlwind bringing oxygen into the room intensified the flames; I could hear the roar of fire and the screams from the inside. Incidentally the princess had also used windshield to prevent us from having to deal with smoke inhalation; it still let air pass through going the other way though. The screaming eventually died down, as did the flames. I reckoned that wine cellar was utterly ruined.

  "I hope there was enough left of those broodmothers to bring back as proof," I said.

  The princess shook her head, "our chips will have noted the deed, and registered the fact that we did it while on a quest. I do not envy Lord Masson, for the cleaning cost is sure to be quite high."

  I laughed, "yeah no kidding."

  The princess and I laughed a good while.