I strut out of Zeke’s Barbershop, whilst rubbing my freshly shaved dome like it’s a magic lamp that might grant me three wishes…
When the sun hits my naked scalp, I SHIT you not, I can feel my brain warming up like a Hot Pocket in a microwave…
Bless Corenya and her not-beating heart. Not only does she have a PhD in badassery and engineering, but she also knows how to make the bestest of shades. My Undead posse shuffles, floats and lurches behind us. Won’t be long before before I need to compose their memorials…
“So, whatcha think of my makeover?” I ask, spinning around the face of Corenya while walking backward. “I’m thinking I look like a BADASS monk warrior now. Or maybe a supervillain! Ooh, maybe my sexiness factor increased by a thousand?" All I’m doing is spewing bullshit at my newest of friends. Fat fucking chance any of those things happened or I am them, except maybe the supervillain one…
Corenya’s helm tilts slightly— her equivalent of an eye roll, or so I’m learning.
"You look like a thumb."
I close my eyes and just bring my head upwards at the sun.
…
…Alright, the need to say something Vamp-o-phobic had passed… Where were we? Ah, yes!
“A THUMB?!” I clutch my chest, for all the hurt could pop outta my chest. “I’ll have you know that I am a very HANDSOME thumb, thank you very much.” I pause, then snicker at my own unintentional pun. “Getit? Handsome? Because thumbs are on hands?” Apparently, the joke goes over her head, cuz she ain’t laughing.
Matter of fact, her silence told me otherwise in volumes. Volumes such as ‘Why Am I Stuck With This Idiot’ and ‘Could I Get Away With Killing My Summoner.”
We make our way across Main Street toward a Mini-Mall’s parking lot.
“Feels super weird…” I mutter, surveying the empty place with only 2 metal husks. “Usually you’d have to waste an UNGODLY amount of time to find a spot, and now look at this prime parking real estate? Silver lining of the apocalypse, amiright?
As we walk, I notice a little Notification blinking in the corner of my vision. All this Monster-fighting, exploring, and getting a really bad haircut—they all… made me forget what it’s all about!!
“Awwww-right, gangsters!” I say as I stop dead in my tracks. “Papa wants to REALLY enjoy hitting Quinntipilation in Raise Dead~!” The idea of having one of my Skills evolve is QUITE a special occasion~~!
But David, how are you so sexy all the time?! Also, what makes you say you’ll get a kickass upgrade?
Aw jeez, I dunno~~! I guess I just won the genetic lottery or something~~~! Oh, and as for the latter, I have Corenya to thank for.
Even if I caint’z getz some precious info outta her, at least I can watch her play and see what she does? After all, I’m sure she’d use any means necesary to win. And I WILL game-break this System, one way or another!
As I put the point in it, the description blurs and then reshapes with new text.
“Woah, what the SHIT?!” Where did all my Levels go?! Also, why did it change its name? Wasn’t I Raising Undead before as well?
Well, I guess NOT, since the Skill’s flavor text also changed one word.
Unlife.
Hold the down shootin’, tootin’, cootin’ and mootin’…
Does… does that mean—
“DYAAAAARGH!!”
It started with one Zombie Gnome, then another, two more, and finally all of them.
I wordlessly turn back to my Undead crew, with not so much as a peep. What the hell was there even to say?
The Gnomes’ glowing purple eyes were flickering and seemed to retract back into their skulls. Their tiny mouth opened so wide, I’d have been shocked if it hadn’t broken…
I wished it’d stopped with them…
*VRRrrrRrrRRrrR…*
Oh God, it’s like the Avogadrills are trying to drill their way outta their own bodies. They’re not even here, just… watching the sun…
“*RIIIIIII!!!*”
*Awooooo!*
The Split-Dog throws its two heads in the left or right direction as all its six legs splay out at impossible angles. The Blister Possum hisses and writhes, but honestly, its reaction is the tamest one and for that, I’m thankful.
Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
“WHAT’S HAPPENING?!” I shriek. Why am I even asking?
Corenya doesn’t move one bit. I think… she’s shocked…? Nonono, can’t be, has to be something else…
“They are waking up.” She says and, surprisingly, I managed to catch all that over the cacophony.
But for FUCK’s SAAAKE!! Weren’t they awake before?! Weren’t all those people aware of what I did to them? You're telling me that it’s gonna be even more obvious to things and people that they died and came out all wrong?!?
Oh my fucking lord, I need— I need to put them back to sleep…
“I-IS there ANY way to STOP THIS?!” I think my desperation and voice crackiness managed to enter that phrase, but WHO GIVES SHIT, I need Corenya’s help more than ever!!
“To stop the gift of Unlife, you would need to give them true rest.” Corenya counters, and I realize that there’s actual… amusement, in her posture at least. “This is but a small peek of what it truly means to be resurrected! The peaks you’ll reach, Summoner, the amount of will these creations of yours will have…!”
“But I don’t WANT them to have a will!" Okay, granted, I did not think before I opened my mouth and it may have come out as whiny and panicked, but… If my Zombies remember or feel trapped in a meat-cage… It’s all-around evil, no way to call it otherwise.
“I just— I want them to be my cool zombie friends who do what I say and help me fight!” FUCKING HELL, why do I sound like a slaver???
The Undead could give two fucks about my existential crisis. Their screams and grunts grow more and more desperate. It’s like all the shit they did and are about to do, just hit all of them, all at once, and not one of them is thankful for it…
[-8] [-8]
OH FUCK, that one’s drilling in ITSELF!!!!
“STOP!!” I scream. “ALL OF YOU, JUST STOP IT RIGHT NOOW!!”
To my utter and complete fuckin’ shock, they FROZE! Every single one of them went completely still and managed to put a sock in it… Right about now, they stand, float or crouch in complete motionlessness, like… like someone just paused this horror flick…
I look at my Zombie Army with a weird mix of relief and guilt… They were shitting in their nonexistent pants just 2 seconds ago, but at least they were… alive? Un-alive. Whatever. Now they’re back to being empty, former shells. Too bad that I just had to peak around the curtain and now I can’t… get used to it…
I approach cautiously, circling my minions, who seem to be playing the world’s most serious version of Red Light, Green Light. The Gnomes just hover in place, without beating their butterfly wings…
Their purple eyes are dim now, just so that you can get the idea that they’re actually dead.
The Avogadrills stand with drills extended but no longer roaring nor spinning.
The End doggy and Blisters just sit on their tushies (or whatever passes for the doggo as its butt) and stare dead ahead.
“M-hmhmhm~!” Jesus, I’m a child. A MAN-CHILD!!
…
There’s no fucking chance that Corny the Edgelord will give ya’ boy any useful info, so I suppose it falls on to my blood, tears and swears to unfuck this mess…
I take a deep breath. “Alright guys, I want you to... be like you once more? To… be playful again?” Spoken like a true predator, brother…
I guess my last comment paralyzed them, cuz nothing happened…
“You must be more specific,” Corenya advises. “They have no more initiative, thanks to you.”
“Right, right, thanks, Cory, but can you just—” I give her a really wide smile and place a finger in front of my lips.
“Okay, let’s try this again.” I run a hand over my smooth head, still not used to the absence of hair… “Gnomes! I want you to play hide and seek when we’re on the move! Three of you hide and three of you seek! When you find someone, just… give ‘em a wedgie and get back to me…”
The Gnome’s eyes twitch, and the purple in them brightens. They split into two groups, one zooming off to hide between cars and trash cans, and the other group just bobbing their heads when they turn around to count.
…
It’s all… really precise… even more than before. Look at their teamwork, holy shit… Are these actual zombies or have they been replaced by the most convincing robot stunt doubles...?
No, NO! CanNOT give up right now! Not after what I’ve done…
“AVOGADRILLS! You two play TAG!! When you touch eachother, you just… switch the roles…
…
Jesus Christ, why are they employing guerrilla tactics!! It’s just a simple game!! Not some life-or-death bullshit!! Just... play like you’re seven years old!! Is that so FUCKING hard!!?
“Alright, Blister Opposum and weird dog, you play tug-of-war with…ummmm…. Ooh!” I rip some of the ruined shirt off my back!! It’s kinda a little chilly outside, but like I could give two fucks!! Just to see these guys act normal…
I watch as my undead minions 'play', feeling more and more unsettled by the second. There’s no joy in their movement, no enthusiasm, no… life to it.
The Gnomes take it a little too seriously, checking every spot with eerie thoroughness.
The Avogadrills chase each other in perfect circles and they never give one another any chance to catch up or be sportsmen in a game like this… It’s really tense and serious and I do not appreciate it…
As for the dog and and shit-eater, they pull on the shirt with exactly the same force, which results in a perfect stationary standoff…
“This is so weird…” I mutter. There’s no fun in their actions… they're just doing it for the sake of doing it…
Corenya observes the mechanical games with obvious satisfaction… “This is the true nature of undeath—perfect obedience, unburdened by the messy emotions and unpredictability of life. Isn’t it beautiful?"
I give it a good two seconds of thinking before I respond. “I have asked a hundred humans and they all say that this shit is CREEPY as hell!!” I scream like a little bitch. “I liked it better when they were all… you know, random and silly!”
“Random and undisciplined," Corenya corrects. “Now they can either be the perfect pets or, as you aptly chose, the perfect weapons…”
I want to argue, to say that she’s super wrong or not, but this silence… I guess i’m still freaked out by whatever the heck happened when they started screaming and going nuts…
“Yeah, I guess…” There’s no point in arguing with a crazy fascist. I, of all people, should know… “And hey, this means that they’ll be even better at fighting other monsters, am i right? More precise and allat shit…”
“Indeed.” Corenya’s helm dips in approval. “You begin to understand.”
I’m not sure that I do, though…
I watch as my Undead army continues their joyless games. Maybe I’m retarded or naive or something, but… when I first Raised them, they seemed so… playful. Like they had personalities or quirks. Hell, I’d even started seeing them as friends, in a weird way.
But now…. now I’ve reduced them to just being tools. Really creepy and obedient tools.
…
“WELP!!” I clap my hands together, forcing the brightness into my voice. “This is so cool! Super great~! Everything’s totally fine and NOT disturbing at ALL! Love me some perfectly obedient zombie slaves who play the world’s most depressing games ever known to man!! This is so beyond FINE!!”
Corenya turns her whole frame at me, somehow conveying skepticism despite the lack of a visible face. “You are distressed.”
“What? Nooooo!” I wave my hands dismissively. “ I am totally cool with this! It’s awesome! So what if they used to have personalities and quirks! Or what if they’re just hollow shells executing commands! That’s what I wanted all along, right!! Just… toys and fuckin’… puppets! PERFECT!!!”
But as I watch the Gnomes employ gorilla tactics, I can’t help but miss their earlier chaotic bouncing. Oh, and the two quadrupeds still continue their perfect stalemate, never varying their pull by even a newton of force.
What have I done to them…? Also, if my Skill can do all of this shit, then what exactly will happen at the endgame…?
For the second time since this whole apocalypse began, I feel heaviness of responsibility settling on my shoulders… and newly shaved head!
And I’m not sure if I like it one bit…
conciousness, and his Undead don't take it too well.
