I woke the next day to a singing toad.

  Literally.

  It was standing on my windowsill, balanced on two legs, belting out some ridiculous tune.

  While wearing a top hat.

  Naturally, it had my schedule for the day pinned to its coat.

  “Delivery with Stupid. She’ll find you.”

  Well, that isn’t ominous.

  “Morning Beeg!” Stupid happily chirped from under my bed.

  I feel kind of bad, but she startled me so much I... shamefully screamed, spun around and knocked the toad out the window.

  I mean, at least it was only the second story.

  And the cursed thing kept singing the entire way down.

  Wait, I wonder if it is actually cursed?

  It croaked when it hit the bottom. A loud croak. I don’t know if it actually croaked.

  It wasn’t my fault!

  Stupid scooted out from under the bed, pulling a package with her.

  “Stupid is so happy! This is Stupid’s first delivery, Beeg!” She screamed, bouncing around and hugging the package.

  “How… long have you been here Stupid?” I asked weakly.

  “Not long!” She chirped. “Stupid justs comes in through the tunnel door!”

  “The what?” I asked, dread creeping in.

  “Looks under bed, Beeg!” She pulled me over, encouraging me to move the bed.

  I pushed it aside, only to find a hole in the wall, covered by a crooked plank with a paper sign nailed above it, the words “2 majEEk stoR” scribbled in pink crayon above it.

  I gulped, opening the door. Behind it was…

  A portal?

  It was green and glowing, with small sparks of green lightning sparking around it.

  There is an eldritch portal under my bed, I realized in terror.

  “Stupid, how long has that been there?” I asked weakly.

  “Since Stupid sneezed it there!” She giggled, still twirling around holding the package.

  “Since… sneezed,” I strangled out.

  “Where does it lead?” I finally sighed, pulling the bed over it.

  If I can’t see it, it’s not there, I forcefully gaslighted myself.

  “To Stupid’s special room!” She cried, dropping the package and pulling her ears excitedly.

  I hope that package isn’t fragile… or, you know… volatile.

  “Special room?” I responded weakly.

  “Yeth! It where Stupid puts special things! Like boots! And Lemons!” She said, jumping excitedly.

  “Does Beeg want to see?” She suddenly gasped, letting go of her ears so they stood straight back up.

  “I…don’t think I’ll fit in the tunnel” I evaded.

  “That eez ok!” She screeched, “Stupid sneeze a bigger hole!”

  “STUPID, NO!” I cried.

  She stopped short, looking at me in confusion.

  “It’s... uh, getting late!” I said hurriedly. “Let’s make your first delivery!”

  She gasped, sprinting over to grab the package again and turning to stare at me with big, starry eyes.

  She continued to stare.

  And stare.

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  “So… where are we taking it?” I cleared my throat.

  “Stupid doesn’t know!” She chirped.

  Something behind me croaked and cleared its throat.

  I turned to see the toad from before, significantly more disheveled, glaring at me.

  It took the schedule from its vest and slapped it onto the windowsill.

  Then, without breaking eye contact, it pulled a tiny umbrella out and popped it open, jumping backwards and floating away.

  Never breaking eye contact.

  I think I have a new mortal enemy.

  I slumped over to the schedule. On the back were the directions.

  Somewhere in the non-human quarter.

  At least it wasn’t far.

  “Let’s go Stupid,” I monotoned.

  Maybe this is how It ended up talking the way he does.

  ——

  The morning outside was actually beautiful. Just enough clouds to keep it cool, enough sun to make the runed-glass stones glow - and a weekday, so the kips and kids were in school.

  Stupid skipped happily next to me, package clutched tightly.

  I made a beeline to the old granny goblin baker, who was now solidly part of my morning routine.

  “Morning Mrs. Glubz,” I said, pulling out two silvers today.

  She nodded and started preparing a second meat pie for Stupid.

  “Beeg,” she smiled warmly, her last 3 teeth showing through her smile, “How are you today?”

  “Honestly - not sure Mrs. Glubz,” I said, glancing over at Stupid who was happily crouched to peer at something on the ground, the package crumpled and smooshed in her hands - “but always better after seeing you!” I finished.

  “Stop trying to butter me up, it’s still two silver,” she cackled, reaching out to give me a soft whack with her rolling pin.

  I grinned cheekily, handing her the money. “Thanks for the food Mrs. Glubz - have a great day. If anyone causes trouble, let me know!” I called over my shoulder.

  She and I both knew a silver for a pie was an absolute scam. But Vaarg paid me well, and she was my friend.

  Mrs. Glubz shooed me off-handedly, a big grin on her face as she turned to help her next customer - a crab in a backpack, its eyestalks eagerly browsing her wares.

  I handed Stupid her meat pie, which she promptly grabbed, dropping the package in the process.

  I shook my head in amusement, reaching down to pick it up. It actually had a string attached, so I took a moment to sling it over my shoulder before digging into my own breakfast.

  “Beeg!! Eet eef sho good!” Stupid squealed happily.

  Don’t ask me why, but it made me happy to see her so happy.

  A kobold cub scurried up, looking at her breakfast.

  “GEETZ BACK!” She shrieked, clutching her food like it was a diamond, “GEETZ BACK OR STUPID WILL SNEEZE!” She finished shrieking.

  The cub fled in terror, jumping into its mother’s arms.

  The mother hurried off, glaring at Stupid with a mix of anger and fear.

  I grimaced apologetically.

  By the time I looked back at her, she had already finished stuffing the rest of the food into her mouth.

  “Franks Beeg!” She chirped, licking her fingers before skipping off happily.

  I followed my ticking chaos-bomb in tired bemusement as we headed towards “Hurg Avenue.”

  ——

  Hurg Avenue, as it turns out, was in the Orc section.

  I really shouldn’t have been surprised, what with the street name and all.

  The orcs were also huge. I saw what had to be a 10-year-old—taller than me, and twice as thick.

  The denizens didn’t look too happy to have a half-elf and a goblin menace in their sector, either.

  Stupid however, didn’t seem to notice anything amiss - happily skipping and giggling as a butterfly twirled around her.

  I gulped and held up the package like it was a beacon.

  Stupid might be able to sneeze the orcs to oblivion, but I didn’t have such protection.

  Surprisingly, it worked wonders. The orcs immediately relaxed and went about their business.

  Hah…everyone loves the delivery guy, I gulped.

  I kept that package right in front of me the rest of the way. How I was going to get out…

  That was a Beeg in 5 minutes problem.

  Thankfully, the house we were delivering too was only a handful of doors down.

  I knocked, nervously looking around.

  But it seemed my delivery guy magic was keeping me safe.

  An orc even smiled at me.

  The smile was terrifying. Horrifying even. The tusks and fangs just didn’t look safe.

  I smiled back weakly.

  The door opened, an absolute giant of an orc standing in the doorway, looking down at me.

  My weak smile became plastered to my face. I don’t think I could have changed it if I wanted to.

  I still had the package held in front of me like some kind of beacon.

  The orc raised an eyebrow.

  I look at the crumbled, smashed package in my hands.

  It didn’t… always look this bad, I thought to myself.

  The orc reached out and grabbed the package, smashing it more in his giant hands than I ever could.

  “Fanks” he grunted, turning and closing the door.

  Aaaand that would be why Vaarg trusted Stupid with this particular package.

  I left with a bemused smile, Stupid and I making our way down the street.

  The giant 10 year old waved goodbye.

  Delivery. Man. Magic.

  I had…

  … actually survived the delivery.