Now that he was closer to the wheel, Pete could see the different symbols and pictures that had been painted on its surface in each of the segments that had been marked out. They were all different kinds of violence, demonstrated with crude stick figures of white and vibrant red paint. Having relayed the details of Craig’s capture, Pete went on to explain more about the nature of the wheel.
[Pete] It’s nasty shit. They either chop off his hand or leg, or stick him with blades, or cut off his ears. Shit! Actually, it looks like they’ve already spun it once.
He hadn’t noticed right away, but as he shifted around to the other side of the minivan, Pete saw that the little goblin was missing his left ear. It had been cut off an inch or so from his skull, leaving an angry-looking wound with dried green blood crusting at its edges.
[Pete] Goddamn bastards! That settles it! We’re gonna rescue Craig. And we’re gonna kill as many of these little fuckers as we can.
[Sam] Sure, but we need to make it count, remember. If we don’t get ten achievements out of this thing, we’re basically screwed for the next five hours.
[Pete] Yeah, I remember.
Pete found that he was grinding his teeth as the goblins massing in front of the wheel continued to cast their dice and wager on what torture would come up next. As one of the goblins shifted, he saw something long and green in the middle of a pile of coins and trinkets and realized that it was the severed ear that had been added to the pot.
“God damn it!” he hissed, backing away and moving around the edge of the wall.
[Pete] Alright, we need to get this done before they spin that damned wheel again.
[Sam] We don’t have a plan, though.
[Pete] How about you stay up there and use Wolfy to cause as much damage as possible while Coop and I mess things up down here.
[Sam] Fine, but how is that going to guarantee us achievements?
[Pete] I plan on messing them up spectacularly.
He caught sight of a figure up ahead and realized that one of the goblin guards had jumped down off the car wall and was taking a piss against the side of an old Ford, whistling to himself and spraying urine up and down the side of the car like he’d never had so much fun in all his life. Pete drew an arrow and pulled back the bow, walking at a steady pace until he was within a few feet of the goblin currently relieving itself against the car.
[Pete] Coop, come down to where I am. I’m going to see if we can take a few of these pricks out before we cause a real mess.
[Coop] On my way.
[Sam] I’ve got Wolfy at the ready and a couple of other nasty spells I can use, so let me know when it starts.
[Pete] You’ll know. Trust me.
He stopped three feet from the pissing goblin with the bow at full stretch and his charged shot ability ready to go.
“Fucker!” he hissed as he released the shot.
It was a standard arrow, but the charged shot, combined with his proximity to the goblin meant that the devastation he wrought against the pissing Dice Baron was utterly ridiculous. He’d fired the shot directly at the head of the little creature and hit with such force that it popped like a balloon, showering the area in green blood and chunks of flesh.
For a second or so, the dead goblin’s body still stood, piss streaming haphazardly as his pecker flailed about like an out-of-control hose. Then the body fell, slapping against the ground as green blood gushed out of the jagged wound at its neck.
>> ACHIEVEMENT: Goblin Popper!
Congratulations! You’ve just popped your first goblin! Violent, yes. Unnecessary overkill, yes. Entertaining? HELL YES! One note, however. If you really want to know what a goblin brain looks like, I’d suggest a more subtle approach. If you really want to know what a goblin brain tastes like, then next time just open your mouth!
KILL REWARD: 10 Belch Bucks!
ACHIEVEMENT REWARD: +1 Fearsome against goblins [1hr]
>> STEALTH PROFICIENCY +1
>> INTIMIDATION PROFICIENCY +1
>> SHOWMANSHIP PROFICIENCY +1
Pete immediately transferred the money to Coop and then looked around to check that he hadn’t been detected. The noise from inside the circle continued unabated, loud enough to likely drown out anything short of cannon fire. He moved away from the goblin corpse and spotted Coop running up from the car park entrance, her little white form scurrying along the ground at speed.
[Sam] First achievement. Nice one.
[Pete] Thanks! Now we just need nine more!
[Sam] Well, it’s a good start. Seems like the System is skewed towards extreme violence too, so I reckon we push that.
[Pete] Agreed.
Coop came running up to Pete, looking up at the car wall to her right uncertainly.
“What’s the plan?” she hissed, eyes narrowed.
A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
Pete pointed ahead. “I’m gonna try to take out a few more guards. See if there’s any way I can do it that will give us another achievement. Then, I reckon I’m gonna use the machete and see how much damage I can do. Just gotta make it spectacular, I guess.”
The little ferret nodded as Pete loaded another arrow. Before he moved on, he saw the weapon sitting on the ground beside the dead goblin and bent down to pick it up.
>> ITEM ACQUIRED: The Spinshot Repeater
>> DESCRIPTION
A sleek, battered rifle with a miniature slot-machine reel bolted to the side where the chamber should be. Before each shot, the reel spins with a metallic clink-clink-clink — the symbols flashing across in a blur of cherries, dice, and coins. When the trigger is pulled, the reel locks in place, spitting out a slug of glowing coin-metal.
>> MECHANIC
Damage depends on the reel result:
+| Numbers or coin icons = Standard piercing shot.
+| Triple match = Crit hit that causes a Coin Burst, spraying shrapnel that stuns enemies for 2s.
+| Skull icon = Misfire → reduced damage and a brief recoil penalty.
>> CURRENT EXCHANGE VALUE: 16 Belch Bucks [reduced from 160 Belch Bucks]
Pete smiled as he picked up the weapon.
“What? What is it?” Coop asked.
He dropped his bow into his inventory and hefted the Spinshot Repeater, inspecting the firing mechanism with a shake of his head.
“I haven’t used one of these before. There’s a good chance of an achievement if I kill something with it, right, Nero?”
[Nero] Correct. Defeating an enemy with a new type of weapon is, in fact, one of the easiest ways to gain an achievement.
“Nice one,” Pete said, looking down at Coop. “Follow me, but make sure no one can see you. I’m gonna try to pop another one of these Dice Barons without being seen.”
The ferret nodded as he moved off, looking up at the top of the wall to see if there were any easy targets. He saw a few guards looking out into the surrounding area or standing with their backs to him while they watched the action unfold inside the circle.
[Sam] Looks like they’re getting ready to spin the wheel again, Pete. If you want to save Craig, we need to move quickly.
“Shit!” Pete hissed, quickening his pace.
[Pete] Okay. I’m on it.
There was no time to find a suitable target, so he aimed for the closest enemy, a scrawny-looking guard who was facing the inside of the large circle and who was completely unaware of Pete’s presence. He aimed the gun, finding that, instead of a normal gunsight, a little metal frame stood at the top of the gun barrel with a pair of jingling bone dice hanging down.
The dice did nothing to aid the aiming process. In fact, they worked in precisely the opposite way, effectively obscuring his view of the enemy so that Pete had to turn his head to the side just to see whom he was aiming for.
Waiting for another loud cheer to erupt from the gathered goblins, Pete pulled back the little silver arm on the slot machine and waited for the symbols to stop spinning. The first spinning section stopped on a picture of Tongsly Belch’s head, grinning from beneath his garish hat.
Pete looked back up at his enemy, noting that the goblin hadn’t noticed the sound of the slot machine and was still transfixed on the action at the center of the circle. He turned back to the weapon mechanism as a second Tongsly Belch image appeared, causing a brief thrill of excitement in his mind. Three of a kind would mean a crit hit, and that was sure to guarantee an achievement, but if a skull turned up, the gun would misfire, and he’d have to try again.
A roar went up from the crowd.
[Sam] They just spun the wheel.
[Pete] Just give me a second.
[Sam] Okay, but you’re running out of time.
The third slot symbol continued to spin, blurring as it was moving so fast. Pete found that he was clenching his teeth, muscles straining as he held the peculiar weapon aimed at the still unaware guard.
Finally, the spinning stopped, but instead of landing cleanly on one symbol, it was stuck between a skull and the Tongsly Belch image, vibrating as it attempted to shift from the latter to the former.
“Fuck!” Pete hissed under his breath.
He reached out with his spare hand, prodding a finger against the skull symbol and pushing it away so that the image of Tongsly Belch locked into place. Pete could feel the slot mechanism fighting against him, but he jabbed with as much force as he could manage and eventually persuaded the machine to do as he wished.
Bells rang and lights flared all around the edge of the slot machine. At the same time, the gun fired, sending a spray of red-hot coins out of its barrel that sliced through the hapless guard's body like the proverbial hot knife through butter. The Spinshot Repeater bucked in Pete’s hands, rattling and shaking violently and feeling as though it could burst apart at any moment. The gun consequently sent coins flying into the air as the now-dead guard slumped backward, green blood gushing from a dozen different wounds.
>> ACHIEVEMENT: Three cherries, one goblin!
Congratulations, high roller! You’ve just turned one unsuspecting greenskin into a walking coin purse full of extra ventilation holes. The bells chimed, the lights flashed, and your Spinshot Repeater just became the most dangerous slot machine this side of the apocalypse. Don’t spend all your winnings in one place—oh wait, you already did. On his spleen!
ACHIEVEMENT REWARD: 1 x Lucky Bucks Token!
>> ITEM ACQUIRED: Lucky Bucks Token
RARITY: Green Trinket
TYPE: Currency-Linked Charm
>> DESCRIPTION
A small, brass-plated coin stamped with three cherries on one side and a crude goblin grin on the other. It hums faintly with the sound of jingling pockets whenever held. The token is said to have been minted by the first Goblin Banker who tried to merge gambling with religion—he was eaten by his congregation, but his tokens survived.
>> BENEFITS
+| Heads, You Win: When flipped, the Lucky Bucks Token always lands on heads—granting a small temporary Luck boost (+3% Critical Chance for 30 seconds).
+| Tails, They Lose: If a goblin sees the coin flip, it will cause a temporary run of bad luck (-20% Critical Chance for the next 5 seconds).
>> KILL REWARD: 15 Belch Bucks
>> CURRENT EXCHANGE VALUE: 25 Belch Bucks [reduced from 250 Belch Bucks]
Pete dropped the gun into his inventory, shifted the money into Coop’s wallet, and pulled the machete out. In the area beyond the wall of cars, he could hear the goblins starting to settle, the rowdy yelling interrupted by a series of hushed whispers and gravelly queries.
“Oh, and here, take this,” Pete said, taking the Soulbound Pet Treat from his inventory and passing it to Coop. “Drop it into your inventory and eat it just before you start taking damage. It’ll give you a health boost and 5% damage and defense for ten seconds. Could come in handy.”
Coop sniffed the bone-shaped treat, licking her lips before it vanished, moving into her inventory.
“Alright then.”
“I’m going in.”
He moved through a gap between two parked cars and headed for the wheel in the distance, taking special note of how many goblins there were in the area and what kind they were.
[Pete] Most of them have those weird slot machine guns, but I see a few with clubs hidden by the edge of the wall there.
He pointed behind at the trio of goblin Pit Bosses that were sitting around small card tables near where he’d entered the makeshift arena. They were all staring up into the air, engrossed by something up high, as were many of the other goblins in the area. Pete found himself looking up to see what they were all looking at, but he couldn’t see anything.
The goblins were whispering to one another, most brandishing weapons and wearing heavy scowls. Others took the opportunity to pilfer coins and other items from reward piles while their companions had their attention diverted.
“I seens it!” one of the goblins said, stepping forward and pointing a finger up at the sky. “I heards it ping off Gremick’s helmy helm and go whistle pop in the air.”
“Yous ain’t seens mucking nuffins!” one of the other goblins barked. “Yous making it up ‘cause yous gonna lose all the coiny coins!”
“Muck yous!” the first goblin said, pointing to a nearby goblin that Pete presumed was Gremick. “I seens it hit the helmy helm!”
He motioned to another goblin standing a short distance away wearing a badly tarnished helmet with a large dint on one side. The goblin of interest was staring up into the sky, squinting.
“I sees it!” he said, pointing. “I sees the—”
While he was staring up into the sky, a single coin traveling at speed shot right through one nostril and, presumably, straight into the goblin’s brain. He twitched once, twice, and then fell dead to the ground.