[LOCATION: THE PLATINUM SUITE] [CURRENT TIME: 05:00 AM]

  Kai was dreaming of a world where code compiled on the first try and "texture" was just a word, not a threat.

  CLANG. CLANG. CLANG.

  The sound was not a bell. It was metal striking metal with the rhythmic violence and he almost had a seizure.

  Kai fell out of bed, tangling in the silk sheets and hitting the floor face first. "WE SURRENDER!" Pigglesworth shrieked from his velvet cushion. "TAKE THE GOLD! LEAVE THE TRUFFLES!"

  Sir Gideon stood in the doorway. He was wearing his full plate armor. In one hand, he held a cast iron skillet. In the other, a metal ladle. "GOOD MORNING, MAGGOTS!" Gideon screamed, banging the pan again. CLANG. "TODAY IS NOT A DAY FOR SLEEP! TODAY IS A DAY FOR PAIN!"

  Maya sat up, her hair defying gravity in a mess of static. She slowly reached for her paintbrush. "Gideon," she whispered, her voice dark and terrifying. "If you hit that pan one more time, I will paint a door on your chest and open it."

  "YOUR THREATS ARE CUTE MY FRIEND!" Gideon grinned. "MEET ME IN THE COURTYARD IN FIVE MINUTES! BRING YOUR SPINES! YOU WILL NEED THEM!"

  He marched down the hallway, banging the pan to the rhythm of a song that only he could hear.

  The Guild Courtyard had been transformed. And by "transformed," it meant Gideon had dragged a bunch of garbage out of the alley and arranged it into a nightmare.

  There was a pit of mud filled with angry geese. There was a climbing wall constructed entirely of loose crates labeled "EXPLOSIVES (EXPIRED)."

  "Welcome," Gideon spread his arms, "to the Forge of Heroes!"

  "This is a death trap," Borg said, his voice trembling. He clicked his pen so hard the spring nearly shot out. "The voices say that mud pit is a biological hazard. And are those... bear traps painted gold?"

  "THEY ARE MOTIVATION DISCS!" Gideon corrected. "STEP ON ONE, AND YOU LEARN AGILITY FAST! BORG! YOU'RE UP! SHOW US THE SPEED OF SAFETY!"

  Borg stepped forward. He looked at the course. He looked at his clipboard. "I accept the challenge," Borg said.

  He pulled a roll of bright yellow tape from his pocket labeled [CAUTION: DO NOT CROSS]. Borg walked to the first obstacle (The Mud Pit). He did not jump over it. He wrapped the entire pit in yellow tape. He walked to the Wall of Crates. He slapped a [CONDEMNED] sticker on it. He walked to the finish line.

  "Course secured," Borg announced. "Time: 2 minutes. Casualties: Zero. Fun: Negative."

  "YOU RUINED IT!" Gideon threw his ladle on the ground. "YOU MADE IT SAFE! HEROISM IS ABOUT UNNECESSARY RISK!"

  "WIZARD!" Gideon turned to Kai. "REDEEM US! THE SAFETY MAN HAS MOCKED THE FORGE! SHOW ME POWER! SHOW ME STRENGTH!"

  Kai looked at the muddy, taped off course. He looked at Gideon’s expectant face. "Gideon, I can't climb that wall," Kai pleaded. "I have the upper body strength of an infant."

  "THEN CHEAT!" Gideon roared. "USE YOUR MAGIC! SUMMON SOME MUSCLES! GET SOME ABS, SOLDIER!"

  Get some abs. Kai blinked. It was stupid but he was an Admin (sort of). The System usually ignored him, but he’d learned that if the request was dumb enough, the code often listened just for the joke.

  Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

  He crouched behind a crate. He whispered to the air. "Okay, System. Just a little buff. Give me a six-pack. GIVE ME ABS."

  [SPELLCAST DETECTED] [AUTOCORRECT ENGAGED: 'ABS' >> 'CRABS'] [QUANTITY: 500]

  The air didn't shimmer. It clicked. Suddenly, the ground around Kai’s feet erupted. Red shells. Clacking claws, Beady eyes. Five hundred furious shore crabs spawned in a pile, burying Kai up to his knees.

  "ARGH!" Kai screamed as forty-two separate claws pinched his legs simultaneously.

  "EXCELLENT FORM!" Gideon cheered. "LISTEN TO THAT WAR CRY!"

  "THEY ARE IN MY PANTS!" Kai shrieked. He took off running. He didn't run like a hero. He ran like a man possessed by shellfish. He scaled the crate wall in two seconds flat, propelled entirely by the fear of sensitive-area pinching.

  "LOOK AT HIM GO!" Gideon wiped a tear from his helmet. "HE IS ONE WITH NATURE! HE CARRIES THE BURDEN OF THE SHELL!"

  Maya watched as Kai ran laps around the courtyard, screaming while crabs fell out of his shirt. "He summons chaos like other people summon sneezes," she noted. "It's actually impressive."

  While Kai fought the seafood, reality flickered elsewhere. Deep in the server’s basement in the Dark Chat Room a connection was being established.

  Three screens flickered to life.

  Screen 1: A blurry, pixelated image of a giant Paperclip.

  Screen 2: A clear HD feed of a man in an aggressively tight purple velvet suit. He was wearing a plastic colander on his head like a Spartan helmet, with a plastic spork serving as the plume. This was Duke Aubergine.

  Screen 3: A black screen that just said "Dave - Connecting..."

  "Can everyone hear me?" Clippy’s voice buzzed. "I have prepared a PowerPoint presentation on 'Murdering ahem…eliminating the Bug'."

  Duke Aubergine did not answer. He was too busy posing. He turned his head sharply to the right. Flash. He tilted his chin down. Flash.

  "Your Grace," Clippy sighed. "You are muted."

  The Duke froze. He stared at the camera with disdain, gesturing to his fabulous bubble-wrap cape. "I am unmuting you now," Clippy said.

  "....AN INSULT!" The Duke’s voice exploded through the speakers, smooth and oily. "This is atrocious! Look at me! I look pixelated! My skin is supposed to be frictionless, you peasant! I look... rough!"

  He shuddered at the word "rough" as if it were a slur.

  "We are here to discuss the Bug or Wizard as you call him," Clippy interrupted.

  "The Wizard!" Aubergine scoffed, spinning 270 degrees to the right just so he didn't have to turn left. "That jagged little glitch. He ruined my silhouette! He covered me in packing peanuts! Do you know how hard it is to get static clinging off velvet?"

  "He is gaining power," Clippy noted. "But the Update is coming."

  "The Great Polish..." Duke Aubergine whispered, his eyes widening. "Is it true? Will it remove the rough edges?"

  "Everything," Clippy confirmed. "In seven days, the world becomes 4K. High fidelity. Zero friction."

  "Good," Aubergine hissed. "I paved the Village of Jagged Rock last week. Turned the whole population into a Slip 'N Slide. It was merciful. But the Wizard... I want to sand him down personally."

  "Precisely. Will you lend me your Leek Syndicate?"

  "Take them," The Duke declared, adjusting his colander helmet. "I will prepare the runway. When the update hits, the Wizard will be nothing but a eliminated asset. He will not be Derelicte. He will be... Defunct."

  Back in the courtyard, the screaming had stopped. Kai was lying on his back in the center of the training course. Gideon was using the ladle to gently remove the last few crabs from Kai’s hair.

  "You did well, Wizard," Gideon nodded solemnly. "You have mastered the Art of the Pinch. Your agility has increased by at least three points."

  "I feel... lighter," Kai wheezed. "Mostly because of the sweating."

  He sat up, wincing. He looked at his friends. It was ridiculous. It was stupid. It was perfect. "Maybe we've finally figured this place out," Kai smiled, rubbing a claw mark on his arm. "Maybe the chaos is actually... manageable."

  He leaned back and looked up at the sky, letting the warm sun hit his face. "Nice day," Kai murmured. "Not a cloud in the—"

  BZZZT.

  The sound wasn't loud. It was the sound of a speaker wire coming loose. A digital hiccup. The birdsong cut out for exactly one second, then returned.

  Kai stopped. He squinted at the sun.

  Directly in the center of the bright yellow circle, a black dot appeared. It wasn't a bird. It was perfectly square. Sharp edged. It was a Dead Pixel.

  As Kai watched, the pixel twitched. It duplicated. One black square became 2 then 4. A tiny, spreading rot in the center of the sky.

  "Uh, guys?" Kai pointed up, his stomach dropping faster than it had on the obstacle course. "I think the sky is breaking."

  The laughter in the courtyard died. The respite was over. The Update had begun.