The fountain was destroyed. The water was slowly draining away, carrying with it pieces of seaweed, bits of wood and a significant amount of marinara sauce.
Kai sat on the edge of the broken stone basin, wringing out his shirt. It dripped red. "I look like a crime scene," Kai sighed.
"You smell like a tavern lunch special," Viscount Pigglesworth corrected, hovering near Kai’s shoulder but refusing to touch him. "A cheap one. The kind that offers free breadsticks to distract you from the sadness."
"We are alive!" Sir Gideon shouted, pulling a piece of slimy kelp from his helmet. "We have descended from the heavens and crushed the stone basin of hydration! It is a glorious return!"
"We’re going to get banished," Maya groaned, dipping her brush into the muddy fountain water to clean off the desert dust. "Look at the Guild Hall."
She pointed. Blocking the massive double doors of the Adventurer’s Guild was the Meatball. It was twelve feet tall. It was brown, lumpy, and steaming. It had landed with such force that it was wedged tight between the stone pillars of the entrance.
"The voices in my head proclaim it to be a structural hazard," Borg noted, clicking his soggy pen. "It is blocking a fire exit. It is also... squish... a slipping hazard."
Suddenly, the side door of the Guild burst open, and a woman stormed out. She was wearing a tight bun, horn rimmed glasses, and a name tag that read [HEAD RECEPTIONIST: JANICE]. Her level was displayed as [LVL 60: MANAGER].
"Who authorized this?!" Janice shrieked, her voice cracking with administrative rage. "Who dropped a giant sphere of ground beef on my doorstep?! Do you know how much the cleaning fee is for 'Organic Debris'?! “
She stomped toward them, vibrating with the fury of a woman who had her day ruined. "You! The idiot in the peasant garb! You’re going to pay for this! I’m going to revoke your charter! I’m going to banish you to the Goblin Pits!"
Kai flinched. Instinctively, he raised his hand to protect his face. On his hand was the Sheriff’s Badge. It glinted in the sunlight.
[PASSIVE ACTIVATED: AUTHORITY AURA (BUGGED)] [Target Status: INTIMIDATED]
Janice stopped dead in her tracks. Her eyes locked onto the cheap plastic star stuck to Kai's palm. Her pupils dilated. Her face went pale. The "Rage" icon above her head vanished, replaced instantly by a trembling blue "Fear" icon.
"By the Ledger..." Janice whispered. "The Star of Assessment."
"I... I can explain," Kai stammered, trying to shake the badge off his hand. "It's stuck. I didn't mean to…"
"I understand completely, Your Excellency!" Janice’s voice dropped an octave. She clasped her hands together. "I didn't know the High Adventurer Council was sending an Inquisitor of Standards today! We weren't notified! The courier pigeon must have been intercepted!"
"Inquisitor?" Kai blinked. "No, I'm just…"
"The Silent Observer! Of course!" Janice nodded frantically, sweat beading on her forehead. "Testing our 'Rapid Response Synergy' to unconventional hazards! Very clever, sir! Sir Grom always says we must be ready to... Pivot!"
She used the word "Pivot" like it was a holy scripture.
She turned to the crowd of gawking NPCs adventurers and bystanders gathering in the square. "LISTEN UP, YOU LAZY PEASANTS!" Janice screamed. "THE INQUISITOR IS HERE! THIS IS A LEVEL 5 COMPLIANCE DOOM-CHECK! IF WE FAIL, THE GUILD LOSES ITS ACCREDITATION!"
She pointed at the giant Meatball. "REMOVE THE OBSTACLE! IMMEDIATELY! OUR 'FLOW METRICS' MUST BE UNIMPEDED!"
This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
"But how?" an adventurer asked, poking the meatball with his spear. "It is... spongy, Ma'am. We have no shovels large enough."
"THEN USE YOUR MOUTHS!" Janice roared. "DEVOUR THE EVIDENCE! THE INQUISITOR CANNOT SEE A DIRTY ENTRANCE! CONSUME FOR THE SAKE OF SYNERGY!"
What followed was not a cleanup. It was a localized natural disaster.
At Janice’s command, the crowd surged forward in organized waves. First came the Adventurers, then the town guards. Some players thought it was a special event even. They dropped their weapons and fell upon the meatball like armored ants, their metal gauntlets tearing away massive, steaming chunks of beef. Behind them, the Merchants and Blacksmiths formed a bucket brigade not for water, but for passing fistfuls of pasta to the back of the line to be devoured.
The sound was horrifying. It was a wet, rhythmic shluck-shluck-shluck of three hundred odd NPCs chewing in unison. Marinara sauce splattered against polished breastplates. A goblin scurried past Kai’s legs, dragging a piece of meat twice his size, screaming, "FOR THE METRICS!"
"This is unsanitary!" Borg shouted, stepping forward. "You cannot consume structural debris! That meat has been on the floor for five minutes! The 'Five Second decree' has expired sixty times over!"
Janice stepped in front of Borg. She glared at him. "Are you questioning the Inquisitor's methodology?" she hissed. "This is a 'Stress Test'! Stand down, or I will file a Grievance Scroll with your superior!"
Borg froze. His eyes twitched. "My superior... is the Code itself," Borg whispered, confused. "But... if the Inquisitor authorized the feast... then it must be a mandated calorie surplus drill." Borg pulled out his clipboard. "Proceed. But chew thoroughly! Choking is a Tier 2 Violation!"
"Can I have some?" Gideon asked, watching a goblin run past with an armful of meat. "It smells of garlic and victory."
"No," Maya grabbed Gideon’s cape. "We are not eating the floor meat."
"Consumption is pointless," Vex noted, leaning against the broken fountain. "We eat to prolong a life that is destined to end. Also, it has too much oregano."
Within ten minutes, the Meatball was gone. The stone steps were licked clean. The Guild Hall entrance was spotless.
Janice smoothed her skirt and walked back to Kai, panting slightly. She forced a terrified smile. "There, Inquisitor. As you can see, the Oakhaven Guild maintains peak 'Throughput'. No obstructions. No bottlenecks."
Kai looked at the spot where the meatball used to be. He looked at the bloated, sluggish NPCs leaning against the wall, clutching their stomachs. "Uh," Kai said. "Good... hustle?"
Janice let out a squeak of relief. "Thank you, Your Excellency! We aim to Optimize!"
She gestured toward the Guild doors. "I assume you'll be needing the Suite? For your... parchment work?"
"Well I do have a Gold rank card," Kai admitted. " but just a room or the hayloft will do."
Janice laughed nervously. "Oh, you act so humble! 'Sleeping in the hayloft' classic High Council humor! Testing my hospitality, are we? No, sir. Please." She snapped her fingers. Two bellhops appeared. "Take the Inquisitor's loot bags! Escort them to the Gold no the Platinum Wing! And get this man a robe! He is covered in... Inspection Material!"
The Platinum Wing of the Guild was technically just a storage closet like room that had been re-textured with nice looking wallpaper, but to the party, it was Valhalla.
There were beds. Real beds with white sheets that smelled of lavender soap, not wet dog or horse manure. There was a pitcher of ice water that didn't taste like swamp. The silence was heavy and beautiful.
Maya collapsed onto the nearest mattress, not even bothering to take off her boots. She buried her face in a pillow and let out a long, muffled groan of pure ecstasy. "I forgot what 'soft' felt like. I never want to leave."
Pigglesworth hopped onto a velvet cushion, tears welling in his monocled eye. "Clean linen," he whispered. "Civilization. Kai, order me a truffle. And a back scratcher."
Kai sat on the edge of his bed. The adrenaline was fading, leaving him hollow. He looked down at his hand. The Sheriff’s Badge was still there, fused to his palm. It looked like a toy a child would win at a fair, yet it had brought a Level 60 Manager to her knees.
In this broken world, Kai realized, intent didn't matter. The System didn't care who he was. It only cared about the tags attached to his file. He had the metadata of a God, and the code worshiped him for it.
He flexed his hand. A small, terrifying part of him liked it. For a split second, watching Janice grovel, he hadn't felt like a glitch. He had felt like a feature. The thought made his stomach turn faster than the meatball.
"You hold the Star," Borg whispered from the window, watching the sun set. "The Star creates order. But is it a safe order? Or is it... chaotic management?"
Kai lay back on the pillows, pulling the duvet up to his chin. The luxury felt fragile, like it might glitch out of existence if he moved too fast.
"Let's just sleep," Kai said, closing his eyes to shut out the gold wallpaper. "Tomorrow, we figure out how to fix the game before the game fixes us."
"Tomorrow," Gideon agreed, snoring immediately.
Outside the window, unnoticed by the party, the sky flickered. The sun was setting. But as it touched the horizon, a single row of pixels in the sky turned dead black. A small text box appeared in the corner of the world, visible only to the server itself:
[SYSTEM UPDATE PENDING: 6 DAYS, 23 HOURS] [PATCH 1.0: INSTALLING...]
[LitRPG] [Cultivation] [Crafting] [Smart MC]
Synopsis (Click to Expand)
To transcend the heavens, one must first forge the ladder.
He is a Cultivator who values volume over speed.
He is a Chronicler who will not stop at the sky.