[LOCATION: THE DEPRECATED DESERT] [CURRENT VELOCITY: TOO FAST]

  The human body is 60% water. Inside the Rapid Response Cart, however, the party felt like they were 100% milkshake.

  THUD-THUD-THUD.

  The square wheels hammered the sepia coloured ground. The cart didn't roll, it threw itself forward in violent spasms.

  "MY STOMAAACH!" Viscount Pigglesworth screamed, vibrating across the floorboards like a puck on an air hockey table. "I AM A NOBLE! I AM NOT MEANT TO BE SHUFFLED!"

  "Hold fast!" Sir Gideon shouted. He was clinging to the wooden bench, his armor sounding like a bag of steel vessels falling down stairs. "This is a test of endurance! The Road God demands we vibrate!"

  "The Road God is stupid!" Maya yelled, her teeth clacking together with every impact.

  On the roof, Vex sat cross-legged, holding the invisible reins. The wind whipped his black hair across his face. He didn't look bothered by the bone-shattering impacts. He leaned into them, swaying perfectly with the violence. "Suffering is the only texture that loads correctly," Vex whispered to the empty air. "The squares turn... and we turn to dust."

  "VEXXX!" Borg, the Barbarian Safety Officer, roared from the back. He was standing with legs wide, trying to brace against the walls. His eyes were wide, staring at nothing. "The Voices!" Borg bellowed, clutching his head. "The Great Spirit of OSHA is screaming in my skull! He says... He says 'Lumbar Support is Critical'! What is a Lumbar? Why must we support it?!"

  "Just keep driving!" Maya shouted up at Vex. "We have to find Kai before the server resets!"

  "Halt!" Gideon pointed his sword at the horizon. "We are trapped in a sorcerer’s curse!"

  Maya squinted against the blinding yellow sun. "What are you talking about?"

  "Look!" Gideon pointed. "We just passed that Prickly Green Giant! And before that, we passed his twin brother!"

  Maya looked out the window. Gideon was right. They passed a tall, green cactus. Floating above it in white text was the label: [CACTUS_ASSET_04].

  Ten seconds later, they passed another cactus: [CACTUS_ASSET_04].

  Ten seconds later: [CACTUS_ASSET_04].

  "Behold!" Gideon gasped. "It is the Family of Spikes! That one is Saint Spiculus. That one is Saint Spiculus the Younger. And here comes Saint Spiculus the Third!"

  "It's not a family," Maya groaned. "It's a tiling error. The developer just copy pasted the terrain chunk. We're in a loop."

  "A Time Loop!" Gideon gasped. "We are doomed to repeat this moment until we learn a moral lesson! Quick, Viscount, apologize for your greed!"

  "I will do no such thing!" Pigglesworth sniffed. "I am greedy because I am noble!"

  "It's not magic, you idiots!" Maya grabbed her giant brush. She looked at the road ahead; it was perfectly straight, endless, and fake. "Vex! The road is the trap! Turn left!"

  "There is no road to the left," Vex called down in a monotone voice. "Only the void."

  "Do it! Break the pattern!"

  Vex shrugged. "As you wish. Into the abyss." He didn't just turn; he surrendered to the chaos. He yanked the invisible reins hard.

  The cart swerved violently off the dirt path. CRASH. They smashed directly through a large boulder which exploded into grey dust because it had no collision and careened into the open desert. The repeating cacti stopped. The loop was broken.

  "We have escaped the Chronomancer!" Gideon cheered. "Your navigational sorcery is potent, Lady Maya!"

  An hour later..."Water!" Pigglesworth squealed, pointing ahead. "A river! Oh, sweet hydration! My skin is parched!"

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  Ahead of them, a wide, blue river cut across the desert floor. Except, it wasn't moving. It wasn't sparkling. It was a solid, matte-blue block stretched across the ground, labeled [RIVER_TEXTURE_BLUE].

  "Careful!" Borg warned, his muscles tensing. "The Spirits warn me of... 'Slipping Hazards'! They speak of... 'Wet Floor Signage'! I do not see the Signage! This is a violation!"

  "Nonsense!" Gideon raised his hammer. "Onward, Ghost Horses!"

  The cart hit the water. CLACK-CLACK-CLACK.

  There was no splash. The invisible horses’ hooves struck the blue surface with the sound of a hard surface hitting concrete. "Behold!" Gideon laughed maniacally. "The beasts walk upon the water! We are holy!"

  The cart rolled onto the blue slab. Suddenly, the physics engine woke up. The surface wasn't programmed as water. It was programmed with Friction: 0.

  The cart lost all traction. The square wheels stopped clunking and started sliding. The wagon drifted sideways, picking up speed.

  On the roof, Vex did not panic. He leaned forward, his black hair whipping in the wind. He tightened his grip on the invisible reins. "The friction is gone," Vex whispered, his voice low and monotone. "I wonder if you know..."

  "KNOW WHAT?!" Gideon screamed, clutching the bench as the world started to spin.

  Vex stared into the horizon with dead, emo eyes. He yanked the reins hard to the left. "How they live in the Void," Vex recited, like he was reading a cursed haiku. "If you see it... then you mean it... then you know you have to go. FAST and FURIOUS…"

  “FAST AND SPURIOUS’ repeated Gideon not understanding what Vex was saying….

  SCREEEEEEECH.

  The invisible horses drifted. The square wagon whipped around in a perfect 360-degree arc, sliding sideways across the blue box.

  "I AM GOING TO BE SICK!" Pigglesworth screamed. The centrifugal force grabbed him and launched him out the back.

  "MAN OVERBOARD!" Borg yelled. "DEPLOY THE FLOTATION DEVICE!" He threw a wooden crate out the back. It hit Pigglesworth in the head. BONK.

  The Viscount slid across the blue plastic river on his belly, screaming all the way to the other bank, where he hit a rock with a dull thud. The cart slammed into the dirt on the far side, stopping instantly.

  "We survive!" Gideon cheered, dizzy. "Retrieving the noble!"

  They dragged a dusty, grumpy Pigglesworth back into the cart. For a moment, the desert was peaceful. The wind died down. The square wheels found a patch of soft sand, making the ride almost smooth. Pigglesworth began to brush the dust off his velvet coat, his breathing returning to normal. "Perhaps," the pig whispered, "the worst is behind us."

  A few hours later...CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA.

  A low rumble shook the ground. "Tracks!" Maya pointed. Two black lines were drawn directly onto the ground in marker pen. "Something is coming," Vex said. He pointed at a cloud of dust on the horizon.

  "A dragon!" Gideon raised his hammer. "Defend the carriage!"

  The object approached at 100 miles per hour. It was not a dragon. It was not a train. It was a giant, grey, rectangular box floating three feet off the ground. Written on the side in bright red letters was: [LOCOMOTIVE_MODEL_MISSING].

  "BY THE GODS!" Borg screamed, his eyes rolling back in terror. "THE VOICE! IT SCREAMS!" Borg fell to his knees, covering his ears. "The Spirit screams: 'NON-COMPLIANT VEHICLE!' It has no headlights! It has no braking mechanism! It has no conductor! It is a regulatory abomination!"

  "It is a Grey Slab of Doom!" Gideon roared. "Have at thee!"

  The box was hurtling straight for them. The cart was stuck on the black lines—one of the square wheels had wedged itself into a gap in the texture.

  "We're going to crash!" Gideon yelled. He leaped from the wagon and stood on the tracks, facing the giant floating rectangle. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" he bellowed, swinging his squeaky hammer.

  "Gideon, stop!" Maya yelled. She was staring at the horizon, calculating. She saw the flicker of the distant mountains. She saw the cheap textures. "Don't move!" Maya ordered. "It's a rendering issue! The draw distance is set to Low!"

  "I SHALL SMITE IT!" Gideon swung. SQUEAK.

  The hammer hit the air. One inch from Gideon's nose, the giant grey box vanished. POOF.

  The sound stopped instantly. The dust settled. The train was gone.

  "What?" Gideon blinked, looking around. "Did... did I slay it?"

  "It de-spawned," Maya exhaled, slumping against the side of the cart. "It reached the end of its line. We were never in danger. Just... visually threatened."

  "I VANQUISHED THE DRAGON!" Gideon cheered, thrusting his hammer into the air. "I AM THE BANE OF GREY BOX DRAGONS!"

  "The Safety Spirits are appeased," Borg exhaled, wiping sweat from his brow. "Though I still wish to file a report."

  Finally, the battered, bruised, and motion-sick party crested a dune. Below them lay the town. It was a sad collection of cardboard-cutout buildings standing in the middle of nowhere.

  "There!" Maya pointed. "Town_Name_Placeholder!"

  Suddenly, a loud BOOM echoed from the town. A massive, brown, steaming object flew into the air from the center of the street. It crashed through the roof of the Sheriff's office, sending debris flying.

  "By the stars," Gideon whispered. "Is that... a canon ball?"

  A smell wafted over the dunes. It didn't smell like fire or brimstone. It smelled like burnt oregano and cheap cafeteria garlic.

  Maya squinted. She saw the marinara sauce dripping from the impact crater. She saw the steam. "No," Maya sighed, a smile tugging at her lips. "That's a meatball. A spicy one."

  "A meatball?" Borg frowned. "Is that a weapon?"

  "No," Maya climbed back into the cart. "That's Kai. He must have tried to cast 'Fireball'...." She pointed her brush at the town. "Vex! Drive! Before he summons some other monstrosity to go with it!"

  [SYSTEM ALERT] [QUEST UPDATED: RESCUE THE IDIOT] [DISTANCE: 500 YARDS]