He wanted to turn left toward the Trash Tower. But his feet wouldn't obey. He twitched and huffed, finally, he spun in a circle Right, then Right, then Right again until he faced his destination.
"It is a dance!" The Duke shouted, smoothing his bubble wrap cloak. "It is the pirouette of the righteous! I do not turn left because the left is pedestrian! The right is... righteous!"
"He's buffering," Kai whispered. "Every time he wants to check his left side, he has to do a 270 degree spin. That gives us a window."
"A window to do what?" Maya asked, gripping her giant brush. "paint a mustache on him?"
"No," Kai pointed at the fountain filled with Styrofoam packing peanuts. "physics is back, remember? What happens when you rub plastic against wool in dry weather?"
Maya’s eyes went wide. "static."
"We're going to turn him into a magnet," Kai grinned. "Pigglesworth, you're the trigger. You're made of velvet. You're the most abrasive thing here."
Pigglesworth shrank back, clutching his monocle. "Me? Engage him? But he is... shiny. And I am... a stain."
"You're not a stain," Gideon roared, his voice muffled by the black trash bag he had pulled over his pumpkin helmet. "You are a warrior of the cloth! Now point me at the enemy! I cannot see! The bag protects me from his beauty!"
"Gideon is blind," Kai noted. "perfect. Pigglesworth, you have to distract him. Keep to his left. Make him spin. When he gets dizzy, we strike."
Pigglesworth looked at his trembling hands. He looked at the Duke, who was currently checking his reflection in a spoon.
"Very well," Pigglesworth straightened his cravat. "For High gourd and for my dignity."
[ THE RUNWAY ]
"Duke!" Pigglesworth shouted, stepping onto the red tape.
The Duke was facing the other way. He had to spin three times to see who spoke.
Spin. Spin. Spin.
"Ah," The Duke sneered, striking a pose with his hands on his hips. "The stain speaks. Have you come to surrender your texture? I can have my servants sand you down. We can make you smooth."
"I do not wish to be smooth!" Pigglesworth yelled, his voice cracking only slightly. "I am texture! I am friction! And I am... approaching!"
Pigglesworth ran.
He didn't run like a hero. He ran like a startled penguin, flailing his arms. He dashed to the Duke's left.
"How dare you!" The Duke gasped. "You are breaking the composition! Stand in the center where the lighting is flattering!"
The Duke tried to turn head on.He couldn't.
He had to spin. Right. Right. Right.
By the time the Duke completed the rotation, Pigglesworth had already scurried to the new left.
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"Stop it!" The Duke shrieked, spinning again. "You are making me dizzy! My framerate is dropping!"
"Now!" Kai yelled. "Gideon! 12 O'Clock! Swing!"
"FOR JUSTICE!" Gideon screamed from inside his trash bag.
He swung the Hammer. He couldn't see, so the aim was terrible. He missed the Duke’s head, but he hit the cape.
CRACK.
It wasn't the sound of bone breaking. It was the sound of air pockets bursting.
"My cape!" The Duke wailed. "You popped it! That was imported!"
"Pigglesworth! rub onto him!" Kai commanded.
This was the moment.
The Duke was disoriented, wobbling from the spins. Pigglesworth closed his eyes. He remembered the insults. He remembered the Duchess. He remembered being called a "Dish Sponge."
He leaped.
He didn't punch. He hugged. He wrapped his fuzzy, high friction velvet arms around the Duke’s plastic waist and slid down.
ZZZZZT.
The sound was deafening. A spark of blue static electricity arched between them.
"AHHHH!" The Duke screamed, shoving Pigglesworth away. "IT BURNS! THE TEXTURE! IT BITES!"
The Duke’s hair (what little he had under the colander) stood straight up. His bubble wrap cape was floating, clinging to his legs.
"Maya!" Kai signaled. "Feed the beast!"
Maya jammed her giant brush into the fountain. She scooped up a massive pile of Styrofoam Packing Peanuts.
"Eat trash, your Lordship!" she yelled, flinging the load.
In Safety Mode, the peanuts would have bounced off harmlessly. But Hard Mode meant the game stopped forgiving bad physics. Static wasn't just a visual effect anymore; it was a law.
The white peanuts flew through the air. As they got close to the Duke, the static charge pulled them in.
Thwump. Thwump. Thwump.
They didn't hit him. They stuck to him. Hundreds of them. They clung to his suit. They clung to his cape. They clung to his face.
"Get it off!" The Duke swatted at them.
But the more he swatted with his charged hands, the more they stuck to his fingers. He tried to shake them off his legs, but they just migrated to his shoes.
"No!" The Duke gasped, looking at his reflection in a shiny piece of debris. "I am... I am..."
"Lumpy," Kai finished, stepping forward.
The Duke looked like a snowman made of garbage. His "Smooth" silhouette was gone. He was a chaotic, bumpy, texture heavy mess.
"My smoothness!" The Duke wept, falling to his knees. " I am coarse! The Sky gods will not accept me like this!"
"You're right," Pigglesworth said, panting heavily. "You are not Smooth anymore, Aubergine. You are just... noise."
The Duke looked at them with wild eyes. He scrambled backward, trying to retreat to his sedan chair.
"I will return!" The Duke shouted, pointing a peanut covered finger at them. " I need a…. polish! I'll be back!"
He turned to run. But he forgot the pathfinding bug. He tried to turn left toward his chair. His body locked up. He tried to spin right to correct it. But his feet were covered in duct tape and packing peanuts.
He tripped.
"NOOOOOO!"
He fell face-first onto the Red Duct Tape. Because he was charged with static, and the tape was sticky... he didn't bounce. He fused.
His perfect symmetry shattered. He lay there, wriggling like a breaded fish fillet, his "Composition" utterly ruined.
"Die, beautiful monster!" Gideon screamed, swinging his hammer wildly at a nearby lamp post. CLANG. "I cannot see you, but I can hear your aesthetic crumbling!"
[ SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: FILE COMPRESSION ] Target [Duke_Aubergine] has been successfully .ZIPPED to the pavement. Please do not attempt to extract.
The Leek Syndicate stared at their fallen leader. They looked at the lumpy, white mess on the ground.
"He has lost the vibe," the Beatboxer whispered.
He dropped his cardboard tube. "Run! The look is dead!"
The minions scattered, sashaying away in terror.
Kai looked up at the sky. The White crack was pulsing. The interference from the Duke’s trash tower was gone, but the damage was done.
"We bought some time," Kai said, walking over to guide Gideon away from the lamp post.
LitRPG Dark Humor Overpowered MCAI Companion
HEAVEN HAS A HACKER PROBLEM
Bash crossed the wrong people, so they put a bullet in him.
Now he's in the Shard, a gamified afterlife, where the rich play god.
Armed with exploits, bad jokes, and an AI named Shai, he's ready to BASH it all down.
"A lot of stories claim their MC is a 'glitch' or a 'hacker,' but Bash actually acts like one."
— RR Reader
"It may not have crazy aliens but it has the same kind of energy as Dungeon Crawler Carl."
— RR Reader
? VOUME 1 COMPLETE! ?