"Hide me," Pigglesworth whispered, squeezing deeper under the tavern table. "Tell him I am dead. Tell him I have ascended. Tell him I am... away meditating!"

  The Messenger standing in the doorway didn't look impressed. He was a skinny NPC wrapped entirely in yellow caution tape, which squeaked every time he inhaled. He held a clipboard made of cardboard.

  "Viscount Pigglesworth," the Messenger droned, his voice muffled by the tape. "The Duke knows you are here. He can smell the damp velvet. It has a very distinct... peasant odor."

  "I am not here!" Pigglesworth shouted from under the table.

  "The Duke has declared a mandatory vibe check for all residents," the Messenger continued, ignoring the shouting table. "Attendance is compulsory. Those who do not attend will be designated as 'background clutter' and paved over."

  "Paved over?" Gideon stood up, his plastic armor clanking. "You threaten us with roadwork, sticky man?"

  "We are building a path," the Messenger said. "The Inn obstructs the Duke's vision of the sky crack. It is scheduled for immediate removal. The sapper squad is warming up."

  BOOOM.

  Outside, some explosives could be heard. The tavern walls shook. Dust fell from the ceiling into their tea.

  "They are actually going to do it," the bartender gasped, clutching a rag.

  "We have to go," Kai said, grabbing a broom handle he’d been using as a walking stick. "If the Duke digs up the foundation, he's going to trigger the reality reset even faster."

  Kai looked at the table. "Pigglesworth, get up. You can't hide from him forever."

  Pigglesworth crawled out. He looked miserable. He had a lettuce leaf wrapped around his foot and ale dripping from his coat.

  "I cannot face him," Pigglesworth whimpered. "He is... the Smooth One. He represents the future. And I am... just trash compared to him and the reason she left me."

  "You're our trash," Maya said, handing him his monocle. "Let's go ruin his view."

  [ THE TOWN SQUARE ]

  They stepped out of the tavern and into a nightmare.

  The ancient, mossy stones of Oakhaven had been covered. A long, sticky strip of red duct tape stretched from the main gate all the way to the fountain.

  The air thrummed with a rhythmic, repetitive beat. Unce-Unce-Unce-Unce.

  Standing by the fountain was a member of the Leek Syndicate. He was holding a cardboard tube to his mouth, beatboxing into it with a level of seriousness usually reserved for funeral rites.

  "The rhythm of the synthetic!" Gideon whispered, clutching his hammer. "It disturbs my spirit! It has no melody! It is only... The Thump."

  "Look at the square," Maya pointed.

  The fountain was no longer spewing water. It had been filled with packing peanuts. Thousands of little white styrofoam S-shapes drifted in the wind like toxic snow.

  "The Fountain!" Pigglesworth gasped. "It has been garnished! It looks like the inside of a cheap hovel"

  "Silence, ugly ones!" The beatboxing guard stopped. He struck a pose, leaning back so far his spine cracked. "The Duke approaches! Do not look directly at the glare!"

  "The glare?" Kai asked.

  Then, he saw it.

  At the far end of the Red Duct Tape, a figure emerged from a sedan chair made of bubble wrap.

  It was Duke Aubergine.

  He was a large man, but he carried his weight with a terrifying, frictionless grace. His purple velvet suit was aggressively tight but it was his accessories that truly defied explanation.

  This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  He wore a necklace made of white zip ties. He had glued googly eyes to his cufflinks. And on his head, he wore a plastic colander as a helmet, with a single spork taped to the top like a plume and a bubble wrap cape….

  "Oh, wow," the Duke whispered to no one, stopping mid step.

  He turned his head sharply to the right. He sucked in his cheeks. He pursed his lips. He widened his eyes until he looked like a surprised fish.

  A visible shockwave of smugness rippled through the air.

  [ STATUS EFFECT: INTIMIDATED ] [ CAUSE: SHEER AUDACITY ]

  "He... he stopped to pose," Gideon said, lowering his hammer in confusion. "Why does he not charge?"

  "He is charging," Kai muttered. "He's charging his ego."

  The Duke took three more steps. Slide. Slide. Pivot. He stopped again. Another pose. This time, he looked over his left shoulder, his chin tilted up so high he was basically staring at the sky.

  "The Sky Crack!" The Duke pointed a gloved hand at the jagged white crack in the heavens. "Do you see it, my followers? The Great Soft Light! The Gods are preparing! They are going to crop the ugly parts of the world!"

  He finally looked down at the party.

  His face fell. It was a look of pure, unadulterated pity.

  "Oh," the Duke sighed. "Oh, dear."

  He glided down the duct tape toward them. The Leek Syndicate members behind him didn't march; they sashayed, throwing handfuls of glitter (which was actually shredded paper all things leaking from the real world) into the air.

  The Duke stopped in front of Pigglesworth.

  "Viscount," the Duke whispered, leaning in close. "You look... derelicte."

  Pigglesworth bristled. "I beg your pardon?"

  "So brave," the Duke reached out and touched Pigglesworth’s damp, muddy coat. "To wear the 'Drowned Rat' collection. It is so... raw. So coarse. Who is your tailor? A sad demon?"

  "This is Velvet!" Pigglesworth shouted. "It is classic!"

  "It is grainy," the Duke sniffed. "It absorbs light. Look at me."

  The Duke spun around. The bubble wrap cape caught the light. The plastic colander on his head gleamed.

  "I reflect!" The Duke shouted. "I am Purity! I am Smooth! When the Great Crop comes, the sky will only keep the shiny things! You... you are raw . You will be erased."

  "We aren't getting erased," Kai stepped forward. "And you need to stop piling trash in the square. That light in the sky isn't a filter. It's the end of this world potentially."

  The Duke looked at Kai. He looked at the hoodie. He looked at the sneakers.

  "And you, the peasant looking one" the Duke chuckled, shaking his head. . How quaint. Tell me, boy, can you do this?"

  The Duke suddenly dropped into a squat, spun on his heel, and stood up, all while keeping his upper body perfectly still.

  "Frictionless," the Duke whispered. "I have perfected my silhouette. Nothing touches the gloss."

  "I don't care about your gloss," Kai said. "Gideon, smash him."

  "With pleasure!" Gideon roared. "I shall shatter his shell!"

  Gideon charged. He raised the Hammer of Justice. He swung with all the force of the new physics engine. It was a blow that could crack stone.

  The Duke didn't block. He didn't run.

  He simply turned his head to the right. He pursed his lips. He channeled every ounce of his narcissism into a single look.

  [ SKILL: BLUE STEEL ]

  The air warped. A blue light flashed from the Duke’s face.

  Gideon froze mid-swing. His eyes went wide. His mouth hung open.

  To Gideon, he was seeing the face of a God. To Kai, a literal, holographic text box appeared over Gideon's face.

  [ ERROR ] [ SYSTEM HALTED ] [ The Knight has encountered a critical beauty error. ]

  "Gideon?" Maya yelled.

  "He is paralyzed by the majesty!" The Duke smirked, adjusting his colander. "My aura is too potent for his simple mind. He cannot process the Shine."

  The Duke turned back to the trash tower.

  "Come, my Syndicate! We must pile the sacred chairs! We must climb to the Sky Crack and poke it with the Stick of Destiny to get more boons!"

  He turned to walk away.

  But the path was blocked. The rubbles from the party's entrance still scarred near the fountain, and a pile of shattered cobblestones lay directly to the Duke's right.

  The Duke stopped. He twitched.

  He tried to step left to go around it. His foot wouldn't move. He vibrated.

  "What is he doing?" Maya whispered.

  "He's stuck," Kai narrowed his eyes.

  The Duke suddenly spun in a circle. Right. Right. Right. And finally, he was facing the direction he wanted to go.

  Kai’s jaw dropped.

  "He's not an ambiturner," Kai whispered.

  "A what?" Pigglesworth asked.

  "He... he has a curse," Kai grinned. He looked at the broom in his hand, realized it was useless against this kind of opponent, and tossed it aside. He raised his bare fists. "He cannot turn left. The gods of pathfinding have forsaken him."

  Kai looked at the trash tower, then at his friends.

  "Maya, get the brush. Pigglesworth, get ready to be rough. We're going to force him to his weak side."

  "I do not understand the strategy," Pigglesworth said.

  "It's simple," Kai cracked his knuckles. "We're going to make him look ugly."