So let us get some things straight.

  In case anyone has forgotten, I, Elio Welchia, Earthborn, historian and literature graduate, PhD in Ancient History and Philosophy, and former husband, AM NOT, in any way, shape, or form, a blood-sucking demon. A vampire.

  But for some reason, unbeknownst to me, nobody seems to care what I have to say. It’s like every bastard in this world so far, regardless of race, goes deaf the moment I start explaining myself.

  Which is why I am in the predicament I'm currently in. A situation far outside my control, in my humble, inexperienced opinion.

  “Your Grace,” Enna said, lowering herself onto the cold stone floor of the dungeon the two of us had been thrown into, “Why are you not telling them who you are? Why not show them? Why allow them to put you in this dark hole as though you are some rabid dog?”

  “Last time I saw something akin to a rabid dog, you bloody ate it,” I reminded her, mostly to discourage her from using metaphors around me, before sighing. “What’s the point in telling them I’m the King of a forest? What exactly would that solve? And what’s the point of slicing them up, when our only realistic chance of leaving this dungeon is waiting for that small bastard to get us out?”

  “And you truly expect a noble to actually be noble?” Enna scoffed. “I thought you were an intelligent being, Your Grace, but it seems you are a fool to think Stevin of House Barta will get us out of here.”

  For someone who ate dogs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, this red-haired woman seemed to know quite a lot. Perhaps Stevin wasn’t wrong in doubting her origins, but whatever her yolk was, it mattered little in this moment.

  “I know he is stupid and a child.” I began, clearing myself of any potential accusations, “But he is decent enough to at least try to get us out of here.”

  Enna frowned. “Why?”

  I shrugged. I didn’t really have a good answer.

  “Call it intuition. I think the two of you went through enough together that he won’t let you rot in this place.”

  Her eyes widened at that, and the way her expression softened made a pit open in my stomach. She was misunderstanding something. Horribly.

  “I see,” she muttered, her mood brightening like a sunrise. “I understand now why you didn’t do anything, Your Grace. I’m happy to see you care so much about me.”

  Huh? What? How did what I said turn into that?

  Wait. No…

  No, no, no.

  Is this woman seriously thinking I’m sitting in this shithole because she is here?

  Humble yourself, lady! I am a married man! I would leave you to rot if I absolutely had to. Don’t inflate your ego.

  I nodded along anyway, not wanting to escalate the situation, and because I knew I was innocent. The best path was to wait things out and hope they untangle themselves.

  I did NOT agree to this because they imprisoned you. They imprisoned you because they think you’re my minion, you dog-chewing... Never mind.

  “Whatever you say,” I sighed aloud at last, ending my entire internal monologue with that one exhausted line.

  She grinned at my weary defeat. “Hehe.”

  A few hours later… I think, after repeatedly attempting and failing to convince Ephe to tell me what exactly I was supposed to be doing here, the dungeon doors finally opened with a loud metallic screech, with the same elves who had escorted us to the Chief appearing before us.

  “Are we free to go?” I asked, making no effort to stand.

  “Not you, pale Elio,” the tall elf chuckled. “Only the priestess.”

  “Good for you, Enna,” I sighed, letting my back sink into the cold stone wall.

  Finally, freedom from misunderstandings. And finally, I could use that piss pot that had been whispering my name for an hour without feeling guilty.

  “No,” she uttered, light magic gathering around her fingertips. “I am not leaving this place without His Grace.”

  Here we fucking go again.

  “Take her away,” I said immediately, looking at the guards.

  Enna turned toward me, eyes wide like I’d just cheated on her or something. “Y-Your Grace?”

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  “Just go,” I waved her off, forcing a reassuring smile. “I’ll be fine.”

  The elf guards opened the bars and stepped toward her. After unshackling her wrists and watching me intently, they ushered her out.

  “I see,” she muttered as they led her away. “I understand now, Your Grace. Leave it to me.”

  “Mhm,” I sighed.

  At this point, I was not even attempting to understand the new misunderstanding. I simply waited for them to leave so I could finally release the inner demon.

  Once I heard their steps fading upward along the stairs, I pushed myself to my feet and marched toward my destiny.

  A satisfying one at that.

  “Ahem,” someone said suddenly, disturbing my destiny.

  I jumped, panicking mid-stream and missing the pot by a catastrophic distance.

  “What the-” I yelped, unable to stop, fury spiking. “Who in their right mind disturbs a man in his most vulnerable moment?!”

  “Didn’t know vampires pissed,” a woman laughed behind me, very clearly enjoying the view.

  I strained to finish faster, kept silent until the last drop out of spite, then composed myself, adjusted my clothes, and finally turned.

  An elf woman stood outside the bars, sharp blue eyes gleaming with amusement.

  “What do you want?” I clicked my tongue, walking as far away from her as the dungeon allowed.

  “Why is it that you are the second vampire we’ve met in the last week?” she asked, leaning in, curious.

  Fuck do I know, lady.

  I shrugged. “The season, maybe… wait, the second?”

  “Yes,” she replied, still grinning. “And by the looks of it, you didn’t know.”

  “Because I’m not a vampire,” I said. “Ain’t got nothing to do with me.”

  The elf woman nodded as if she knew some grand secret I didn’t.

  “Tell me, vampire-looking-but-not-a-vampire-sir, if you want your freedom, will you help us deal with the vampire problem? They only come out at night, unlike you, and they’re slippery bastards to catch. They steal our cattle and eat their essence.”

  “Vampire hunting?” I chuckled. “Look, I didn’t do anything to end up in this dungeon. I came here with your old friend Stevin.”

  “Two vampires appearing in one week is incredibly rare, so forgive the Chief for playing it safe,” she said with that charming smile of hers, proving my earlier point.

  Pure, weaponized deafness to any form of explanation I attempted to give.

  “So my crime is something you think I would do because someone who looks kind of like me actually did it. And now you want me to catch that person in order to earn my freedom?”

  “Precisely.” She nodded.

  “You know I can leave this place whenever I want, right?” I bluffed, narrowing my eyes.

  “The way Stevin spoke of you, calling you ‘Your Grace’ over and over, is strange, yes.” She tilted her head, then added with a taunting little smile that made it clear she wasn’t buying a damn word of it. “But you’re in an elf dungeon, Your Grace. You’re not escaping that easily.”

  I straightened, raised my hand as if to invoke the Law of Separation, and murmured.

  “Shall we test that?”

  Her smile vanished. She studied my face for a long second, perhaps trying to see if I was lying or not, before she produced a ring of keys and a single green leaf from her pocket.

  When I saw that small leaf, I remembered Ephe’s last Directive. Meaning that this was the expected route the Custodians wanted me to take. Meaning that damned vampire was the point.

  Of course it was.

  I sighed, walking up to the bars face-to-face with the elven lady.

  “How about we do not test each other’s capabilities,” she said, smile returning. “But instead, trust each other? You aid us, we aid you.”

  “I don’t need your aid,” I muttered, eyeing the leaf she held toward me.

  “Then what?” she teased. “A reward? Something else? Me?” She leaned forward. “I’m unmarried, you know. Quite young. Barely a century old.”

  Barely my ass, grandma.

  I ignored her nonsense and took the leaf, turning it between my fingers.

  “So, me it is,” she grinned, moving her hand away. “My name is Airina… Your Grace.”

  “Airina,” I said, ignoring most of her bullshit, “What does this leaf do?”

  “If you encounter any issues, break it,” she explained, imitating the simple process with her hands, “It alerts the right people who’ll come help.”

  A magical SOS. Not bad.

  “Do we have a deal?” she asked, extending her hand past her bars.

  I thought for a while, thinking about the issue at hand. When I found myself unsuccessful in my reasoning, I turned to my always-unreliable internal assistant.

  I said in my mind.

  [Yes?]

  [Strength-wise?]

  [No.]

  My type of luck, I guess.

  [Yes.]

  [Optional Directive ‘Enter the Elven Village’ Followed - Registered.]

  [Optional Directive ‘Accept the Leaf’ Followed - Registered.]

  [Reign Index Increased: 0.12% → 0.13% → 0.15%]

  [Yes?]

  [No.]

  [Ephemera Never Forgets.]

  [Remaining Optional Directive: Aid their Cause.]

  “Fine,” I sighed, scratching my eyebrow in disbelief before shaking the elven woman’s hand, “We have a deal, I will aid your cause.”

  [Final Optional Directive ‘Aid their Cause’ Followed - Registered.]

  [Reign Index Increased: 0.15% → 0.17%]

  [New Optional Directive: Defeat the Vampire.]

  [New Optional Directive: Do not Kill the Vampire.]

  [New Directive: Continue Existing.]

  “Brilliant,” Airina said, unlocking the door.

  She freed my wrists, and blood rushed back into my hands.

  “Finally,” I groaned, stretching my body with a satisfying yawn. “Now then, take me to the Chief’s house. I’m tired, starving, and a night’s sleep would-”

  “Evening is nearly upon us,” she cut in. “The vampire may strike soon. You must go now. That was the deal.”

  Of course.

  “Why would I ever want to enjoy myself before entering a gutter again?” I muttered.

  “Exactly, Your Grace,” she laughed. “Pleasure is for the faint of heart. Something you clearly are not.”

  “Right… silly me,” said the faint of heart. “Lead the way, Airina.”

  And led she did, taking me out of the dungeon that stood underground between two of the trees surrounding the Chief’s mansion.

  With a smile and the setting sun somewhere above the leaves of the forest, she placed me in the middle of the village, showed me where the cattle were, said good luck, and dashed into the growing darkness back toward the mansion.

  “Ephe,” I said out loud, ignoring the stares of the elves all around me.

  [Yes?]

  “What did I tell you about not allowing me to do dumb shit again?”

  […]

  [I forgot.]

  You fucking bitch.

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