Tex reemerged in clean trousers and smiled broadly at me. “I’m glad I didn’t make a fool of myself!” he said happily. “Right. Healer first. Then shopping.” He rubbed his hands together in glee at the thought of spending my money. I adjusted my ascot thoughtfully and suppressed my murderous impulses.

  “Healer,” I growled.

  “C’mon, Bob!” He led me out into the streets once again. “You just became incredibly wealthy!” We threaded through the wagons and carts in a different direction this time.

  “Keep it down! Did you piss your brains out when you saw Kenny as well?” I hissed, grabbing his elbow and pulling him into a shady doorway. “Those kids are watching us. Four of the little bastards were waiting outside the Horn, and they started following us as we left.” I glanced into the street, and sure enough, I could see three of the four. The other one must be nearby… They’d stopped and were panhandling passersby, earning constant torrents of foul-mouthed abuse. Nobody batted an eyelid at a grown man telling a ten-year-old child to firmly shove a ginglefruit down their own urethra, or words to that effect. The kid made an equally obscene gesture in response as the man hurried on before tugging at the next person's sleeve.

  “They’re our tails, Bob. You’re an unknown quantity. Dalgliesh sure as hell don’t trust me.” Tex shrugged. “They’ll report back if we go anywhere or speak to people we shouldn’t.”

  “Why doesn’t he trust you?” I asked with narrowed eyes as we moved along the busy street. The people all wore the same kind of simple clothing, dull tunics and trousers for the chaps, brightly coloured skirts and dresses for the ladies. I couldn’t tell locals from foreigners or rich from poor.

  “Doesn’t know about our contract, partner.” Tex shrugged. “Probably thinks, well, that don’t matter, does it? Can’t be fixin’ to read a man's mind. Want me to point out the sights as we pass?”

  “No, Tex, I don’t. Where the hell are we going anyway?”

  “Ah. The Adventurers Guild is the best place to find a healer for hire,” he said timidly. I had a bad feeling about this.

  “And why did you say ‘ah’?”

  “How confident are you about your disguise there, bud?” he asked sheepishly.

  “Only Phillpot the Bug Demon has seen through it so far,” I answered very quietly. “How many more shifted non-humans are running about this city?”

  “Shut up!” Tex hissed. “Not the time nor the place, Bob. Ask when we’re back on the road! Thing is, some of the folks at the AG are strong. A few are ‘Kenny-the-arm-plucker’ levels of strong. Or stronger. If we run into them, they will scoot you. New face, mid-tier strength, you’ll draw some eyes.”

  We sidestepped an old lady in a floral shawl who was pushing a cart full of rubbish along the pavement. I averted my eyes from her haul; rotting food was apparently worth collecting for some people in the Big City. She spat at my feet as she saw me look away. Charming,

  “I think I’m technically human when I’m in this form?” I offered uncertainly.

  “That dog won’t hunt, Bob. Although… He-Who-Pops-Eyeballs didn’t pick up on it. He’d have killed us if he had,” Tex muttered.

  “That would have been good to know before we went to the tiny psycho’s home.”

  “I didn’t get much chance to fill you in beforehand, did I? Goons holding knives to my throat, then Kenny looming over us,” he complained. That was fair, I supposed.

  “I can’t help but feel some kind of ‘Lonely Dragon’s Guide to Ankmapak’ might have been in order when we were dicking about with your glow in the dark buddies back in Baginton,” I snapped.

  “But you can’t read?” He jumped to the side as a wagon rattled by, deftly avoiding the tidal wave of highly suspect liquids that washed over my boots.

  “I can a bit, and I can still read English, you wazzock. Look, is there real danger at the guild? Before you answer, please bear in mind that I can literally sprout wings and fly away at any time I want to. You, however, cannot.” Tex scowled at me.

  “Probably not. They’re a bit… odd? Most of them are locals, born and raised in Helstat. If we run into anyone from back home or someone from other planes, you might be in trouble. Look Bob. It’s either the Guild, or we traipse from apothecary to mendicant and back again looking for one who’s not shite and is willing to travel a week out of the city for a job.”

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

  Risk versus reward. I was confident I could pass their “scoot” devices. Bulldo hadn’t batted an eyelid at anything beyond the fact that it couldn’t accurately gauge my level.

  “How much bother will-” I began.

  “A lot! Outside the guild, healers are like hippies crossed with god knows what. Smackheads? I honestly never ran into anything like them back home. They’re bad news if you want anything done within the next six months, Bob.”

  “The Guild, then.”

  We moved down the length of the long street. It ran almost from the city wall right up to what Tex told me was the noble district, where the houses became larger and fancier, and the people were much better dressed.

  “This is it, Bob. Best behaviour, partner.” Tex straightened up and smoothed his roughspun clothing, then spat in his palms and slicked his hair back. The Adventurers Guild didn’t seem worth the effort.

  It appeared to be a medium-sized house, set a couple of feet back from the street behind a gravel border. My tongue flicked out, and all I could smell was something I wasn’t used to. Dalgliesh had the same scent; his home had reeked of it. It wasn’t a bad taste-smell; it held the promise of both good and bad.

  “Looks a bit rundown?” I reached out and grasped the heavy iron ring set two-thirds of the way up the door and slammed it down with a satisfying thud. The paint on the door was flaking, and brown chips broke free when I knocked and floated to the ground to mix with the gravel. Tex nudged me aside and put his shoulder ot the door, shoving hard and leaving twin trails as his feet dug into the stones.

  “Gimme a hand, big lad,” he gasped as the door began to swing open ever so slightly. I leaned over and pushed hard. The door flicked open and Tex tumbled forward to land in a pile on a–

  On a goddamn road. Wide, paved in smooth flagstones and weaving a twisted path between rows of cherry trees that were in blossom, despite it being almost autumn where I stood on the threshold.

  “Come on, Bob, they get annoyed if you leave the door open too long,” said Tex as he climbed back to his feet and dusted off his trousers.

  “Who do?” I asked as I stepped through.

  “We do.” The words were whispered in my ear, and a fist flashed out reflexively, but all I hit was air. “Tut tut. Welcome to the guild. Alice will be along shortly, please wait in a gazebo, sirs.” The voice was like ice water, sucking the warmth from the air around me. I glanced around but saw no one other than me and my annoyed-looking merchant

  Tex waved at a row of fancy Victorian-folly type constructions that lay in a line along the left-hand side of the road, mugged furiously at me, and set off toward the nearest one.

  If you can’t beat them, or even see them… I followed my ally, and we sat down on the cushioned benches that lined the inside of the pleasant little outhouse. Birds flew through the trees, and I saw a herd of deer galloping through the fields in the distance.

  “This is Prenderghast the Over Compensators' work again, is it?” I asked, nodding at the fields around us. A tinkling laugh came from the other side of the gazebo, and I whipped my head back round to find a young girl sitting cross-legged on the seat opposite us. I heard Tex swallow and wished I’d thought to bring a towel. Never leave home without a towel or two when Tex is your compadre.

  “Alice?”

  “Hello, Bob. Tex.” She nodded warmly to both of us. “What can the Adventurers do for you?”

  “No disrespect, miss, but is there an adult we can talk to?” I asked.

  “My dear Bob, I’ve been in this world for nearly a hundred and fifty years. Please rest assured that we would not send a mere child to deal with an unknown climber who had achieved your strength. What level are you, out of interest? Cyril said the scoot didn’t give much more than rough stat outlines. It’s impressive, not many things can spoof a scoot.” I locked eyes with her, and for a moment, I could sense the ancient being inside the body of this fourteen-year-old girl.

  “Am I obliged to explain?” I said slowly. Whoever that invisi-prick was, I had to assume he would be some kind of threat, if only because I couldn’t bloody see him.

  “Not at all. If you want to enroll with the Guild, you would have to drop whatever obfuscation you’re using, but to apply to us as a client? We respect our client's privacy above all else, Mr. Bob. It was just idle curiosity.” She gave a small nod and a thin smile as she finished speaking.

  “Just Bob is fine. I’m looking for a healer. A… friend has a sick relative. I want to pay for him to be cured.”

  “You don’t strike me as the altruistic sort, Bob. But I won’t pry. What is the nature of the ailment?”

  “You can smell his shit from two miles away? And he can’t stop shitting. Some kind of magic dysentery. Do you know what it’s called?” I asked Tex, who shrugged and shook his head.

  “Mhm. Something alimentary… Bouncer or the Worm. What do you think, Cyril?” Alice asked the empty air like a crazy person speaking to clouds.

  “The Worm, methinks.” Bloody ninjas. I wondered if my monocle would let me see him? And if it did, would it trigger a reaction from him that I’d rather avoid? I seemed to be getting what I wanted at the moment. I chose to err on the side of not risking pissing off this latest version of the Predator.

  “He is in town?” she asked.

  “He’s in the common room right now arguing with Sir Bandersnap about which city has the choicest, ah, ladies of negotiable affection,” said Cyril from somewhere nearby.

  “Huh, I’m sure he only became a healer due to constantly catching the pox. Very well. Mr. Bob. The fee will be two thousand gold. The Worm will accompany you and cure this poor man's bowels. Payment up front, if you please?”

  I adjusted my ascot and forced a smile. Paying. Ouch.

  I pulled out the bag of semi-infinite gold Dalgliesh had given me, and Alice narrowed her eyes at it for a moment before flicking them back to my face. I produced the necessary coinage and passed it over to her in a series of very reluctant fistfuls of currency. Angtirm had to pay. He stole from me. Jenny would help me to make him pay. It became a mantra as I shoveled over an amount of gold that matched the size of my hoard when I had first arrived on Helstat. It disappeared as soon as it touched Alice's hands.

  I would recoup my expenses from that thieving bastard Angtirm.