Do you know what happens to a bipedal rat when a thirty-pound trashcan falls onto it from five feet in the air?

  The same thing that happens to anything else soft and full of blood.

  The fight had started, and Mug and I were directly in the fray. Mug had taken out one of the larger ratkin before the fight even started, and the rest seemed to want to focus on him—but unfortunately for them, I was there. Being a trashcan, their bladed weapons meant nothing to me, though the ones with clubs could probably do some damage. I tried not to think about that as I used Polymorph to make steel poles tipped with blunt globes, forcefully pushing them out of my form as fast as I could directly into ratkin bodies. It wasn’t quite a punch, but from the way they expelled their breath (and the way one vomited into me), I could tell that it hurt.

  Mug, for his part, was a tiny green whirlwind. With his table leg, he was whacking and running and howling at a tremendous pace. They tried to stab him, but just before the blade hit, he would be somewhere else, bashing a knee or pulling on a tail. There wasn't a lot of finesse or strategy, but there was a lot of repressed rage in a tiny green body that was very good at dodging attacks. I suppose after this he would tell me that Edvald used to make him the target dummy for training knights to swing at, or something equally ridiculous.

  In any case, the fight was clearly not in Clan Goldtail's favor. They had the numbers, but Mug and I still had them outclassed. The fume wyrm had been a fight for our lives, so compared to that, this was… well, it was pretty easy. No one even breathed molten-hot steam at us. Soon, all the ratkin except for Gold Tooth the speaker were either groaning or unconscious on the floor. Mug was panting heavily, his makeshift club clutched in his hand.

  Gold Tooth had a look of horror on his face, but that quickly distorted into hatred. He pointed his cane at Mug, and from the floor, several pieces of debris rose and then shot forward directly at him. Mug barely had time to duck behind an old counter before the debris hit.

  “I’ll kill-crush you, goblin! Kill-crush then eat-munch! No one messes with Clan Goldtail! Gonna crush-bash your trashcan then kill-eat you! Gonna make you regret-sorry!” He pointed his cane at me and the debris exploded against my body. The pain of blunt force trauma in my trashcan body was sharp and biting. I felt my sides warp under the force, my lid being knocked to the ground by the power of it.

  WARNING: HEALTH AT 75%.

  Yikes. I really needed to invest in some defenses. I used my legs to run behind the counter with Mug, narrowly dodging another blast while the ratkin screamed insults at us.

  “Master Lugenhelm, that one is a mage!” Mug managed to exclaim between huge breaths.

  ‘Yeah, I noticed, thanks Mug. You did good out there, by the way. Never knew you were so handy with a table leg.’ Mug blushed in the moonlight as debris exploded around us. This was exactly why I hadn’t really wanted to interact with anyone unless necessary; in this world, there was no telling who was a mage and could summon lightning bolts or fireballs or, in this case, hurl bricks at breakneck speed. ‘Mug, I have an idea. Bear with me.’ Mug nodded wildly, eyes locked on me.

  This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

  “Anything, Master Lugenhelm! I’ll do whatever you tell me!”

  ‘Okay. You run out there and distract him, and I charge him and hit him with my body.’ Mug gave me a look that implied I had lost my mind.

  ‘Listen, you are faster than me, and you’re probably better at dodging, too! I’m sure Edvald used to chuck knives at you from horseback or something, don’t say he didn’t!’ Mug sniffed as another volley exploded a chair a few feet from us.

  “It was rocks, actually. But okay. If this is really the Lugenhelm’s plan…?”

  ‘It is.’

  “…Fine. Just… please go fast. I wasn’t the best at rock-dodge.” With that, he jumped over the counter and ran to one side, drawing a stream of rocks and wood splinters toward him. I waited one, two, three seconds, then Polymorphed wheels. I put as much mana as I could into them before racing out directly at Gold Tooth. He tried to turn to attack me, but as he did, Mug popped up with a brick and nailed him directly in the hand, causing his staff to point his next blast at the door Keggr had repaired.

  I rolled into him with as much force as I could, propelling us into a wall at breakneck speed. With a satisfying ‘oof’ from Gold Tooth, I pinned him into the stone. Gold Tooth dropped his cane, and just like that, we had successfully defended our home.

  “Wow, lads! Talk about a punch-up! Showed those rat boys what for, eh?” Keggr was sitting at the top of the stairs, munching on more of his old bread. I was annoyed by his complete lack of assistance while we fought for our lives.

  ‘Thanks for the help! Did that sound entertaining enough for you? Tell me, what would you have done if we had lost?’ He swallowed his food and shrugged, his blank eyes pointed skyward as he thought. “Jumped out the window, ran like hell, found an alleyway to sleep in? But enough of that, lad, no one likes a sore winner. Here, I’ll help ya clean up.”

  Keggr and Mug began the work of stripping the remaining ratkin of their weapons before tossing them unceremoniously into the street. I had them throw the weapons inside me, including Gold Tooth’s staff.

  ITEM DETECTED: STAFF OF TELEKINESIS. 1300 EXPERIENCE GAINED. NEW ABILITY GAINED: LESSER TELEKINESIS 1.

  Well, that was a nice bonus! Not enough for a level, but a new ability was always welcome. Especially one that sounded as promising as Telekinesis. Lesser Telekinesis, but that was better than my previous no telekinesis. As we dumped the last of the ratkin on our doorstep, Mug stood squarely where the door had once been.

  “Consider yourselves lucky, you… you… scoundrels! Next time, I’ll… I’ll… well, you won’t like what happens if there is a next time! Ha!” He turned to me as the rats who were regaining consciousness pulled their injured comrades away, chittering darkly and swearing in our general direction. Maybe we should have killed them, and I'm sure we would have been forgiven if we had, but I didn't want to be that object. I had never taken a life, and even here in this crazy game world, I didn't want to know what that felt like before I had to. This would probably come back to bite me in the base, but I would burn that bridge when I came to it.

  “Do you think they got the message, Master Lugenhelm?”

  ‘Let’s hope so, Mug. I’d hate to see what happens to them next time. Come on, Keggr can put the door back on. I’ll stay down here for the night; you get some rest. You earned it.’ Mug saluted in his goofy way, then turned to go back to bed.

  ‘Hey Mug? Good job.’ I swear he gained an inch as he walked up the stairs.