For probably the fiftieth time

  since she had returned from freshening the water in the basin, she

  pressed the re-moistened cloth to my forehead. At least the action

  had an important purpose now and wasn’t just a distraction to keep

  her busy and out of the way, with each new press of the cloth the

  shock of the cold and wet was helping to keep my eyes open. The

  healer had been adamant that I try not to sleep at all until he

  returned with the woman he thought might be able to help.

  He had assured me that he

  would do is best to return before the end of the night, but staying

  up even just that long was a tall order with the exhaustion clawing

  at the very depths of my soul. He had already been gone for hours

  now, having left riding as hard as he could on his horse. I hoped and

  prayed to anyone that would hear me that I would find the strength to

  hold on until he could return.

  “Florin?” my nursemaid

  asked in alarm, rising from her seat a bit.

  Snapping back to attention I

  refocused my eyes and gave her a wan smile, I had drifted off into

  dissociative thoughts again. It was very hard to keep my thoughts on

  the present and kept finding myself going down rabbit holes chasing

  lines of thoughts all the way back to even memories of infancy. With

  the veil between awake and sleep so thin it seemed that I was prone

  to getting in loops that only usually occurred right before falling

  asleep and quickly forgotten by the morning.

  It was incredibly strange to

  be more aware while the loops were happening and able to somewhat

  track what was going on and what my mind thought was subconsciously

  important. One of the reoccurring themes was my mother’s

  standoffish approach to me while she was alive. I kept being forced

  to recall all the times during important events like birthdays or

  other holidays where she would stand off to the side, trying to hide

  as she clutched her abdomen. I had not picked up on it then and it

  seemed like now that there was new knowledge about what she had been

  combating, I felt the need to review all those old memories and put

  them in a new perspective.

  “Tell me about my mother.”

  I had not even thought about

  the request, but it had fell out of my mouth like my subconscious had

  control for a moment. Though I was curious and always had been about

  where she came from and the type of person she had been. I felt a bit

  cheated that she had died while I was still young. I would never get

  to chance to get to know her on a personal level, adult to adult. It

  seemed like there were two major stages to children and their

  parents, the first being where there was a normal child and parent

  relationship, then once the child grew something more akin to a close

  friendship formed. It was a bitter pill for me to swallow that I

  would never have that with either of my parents. I supposed that it

  was destined for my father to die before I was very mature, he had

  been at an advanced age when I was born, but my mother had been still

  very young.

  The cloth on my forehead

  released it’s pressure for a moment, letting it sit as my nursemaid

  sat back and studied my face. She had a very pained, worried

  expression that really highlighted the deep wrinkles that had formed

  through the years across her forehead and around her eyes. I had

  never really thought much of it before, but she had to be around the

  age my mother would have been if she was alive, perhaps a bit older,

  but it was improper to ask a woman her age so I would never know

  unless the information was offered. In my mind’s eye I still had an

  image of the woman a bit slimmer, skin smoother, and hair a chestnut

  brown, but now that I took a moment to really look at her and take in

  her features, time had changed much. It struck me how disconnected

  from things I had really been. I had of course noticed that white

  streaks had crept into her hair over the past couple of years, but it

  had not been incorporated into my permanent view of her yet.

  It also deeply bothered me

  that I couldn’t bring to mind my nursemaid’s actual name. It had

  been probably since before the death of my mother since I had heard

  anyone use it in front of me and it would be embarrassing at this

  point to ask. How would I ever explain that even though she had been

  the one to birth me and had acted as a pseudo mother all these years,

  that I had not bothered to file away even the most basic information

  about her?

  That kind of information had

  never felt overly important before. I tended not to really care what

  the names of servants were, it was a trait I had picked up from my

  father. I was no longer sure it was a trait that I admired having. It

  seemed ridiculous now that I was possibly on my deathbed that I would

  potentially die not even knowing the name of the lifelong caretaker

  who was doing her best to keep me around.

  “It is alright if you would

  rather not talk about her right now,” I offered once I realized she

  had fell quiet and distant. "I know it might be a painful

  subject for you as well, you were her closest confidant after all."

  “No, I have no problem

  talking about her at all,” she said quietly. “It’s just that…

  well…” Her eyes went glassy a moment and she pulled up part of

  her skirt to dab moisture from her eyes. “I have sat at the bedside

  of a few people who have passed away, people tell me that I am very

  matronly in a comforting way so they send for me, and every single

  time they are getting ready to let go, they start asking about or for

  their mothers.”

  My stomach turned over, I

  really did not like the confirmation that I was perhaps coming to the

  end, though that did not stop me from wanting to hear her talk about

  her anyway. “This is just the first time I have been able to sit

  and talk with you for a very long while, I just want to discuss her a

  bit, I miss her. I feel like I never really got a chance to know her

  before she was gone.”

  “I miss her too,” she

  admitted as she finished drying her eyes and smoothed her dress back

  into place again. “She got a bit strange at the end, though I think

  she struggled with a lot of things that she never wanted to say

  aloud. She wanted to kept her head held high and was not the type to

  want people to worry about her or drop what they were doing to attend

  to her.”

  “That sounds like she did

  not act very royal at all then,” I commented, “she could have

  been doted on as much as she wanted to and been catered to if she was

  not feeling well.”

  “It just was not her way.

  After having you and experiencing complications, she retreated into

  herself and never fully came out again. It happens sometimes with

  difficult births, the women change and never quite go back to their

  normal selves. I have been very lucky with all my children and I am

  very grateful for it.”

  “Maybe losing my sister had

  something to do with it. It could not have been easy on her for her

  to have been whisked away and never seen again. I know you are not a

  big fan of my sister, but she was her mother."

  Her lips formed a hard, thin

  line and her expression briefly went from worried to annoyed.

  “Perhaps, though that should not have been at all on her mind,”

  she said tersely. “That girl was bad to the core. She was

  rebellious, had a terrible temper, and had a set of incorrect ideas

  about how the world worked before she could even toddle around. There

  are just some children who come out of the womb bad, I think the best

  thing that ever happened for everyone is her terrible aunt came and

  took her away. I argued at the time against, but in hindsight I

  realized that her leaving kept you safe.”

  “You have mentioned before

  that she was upset about me having been born, do you think she would

  have hurt me though? She was just a little girl still when I came

  along.” I found it really hard to believe that any child my mother

  had birthed and brought up could be so cold and terrible as my

  nursemaid insisted she had been.

  “I know she would have,”

  she said darkly. “When you were fist born, within moments your

  mother took a bad turn and was very, very poorly. She needed my help

  urgently and I simply could not put all my attention on her while

  also watching you and I could not in good conscience just sit you

  down and ignore you while I tried to save your mother. Your mother

  had only wanted me in the room with her and with how smoothly your

  sister was birthed we did not think it would be an issue, so there

  was no one else around and your father never wanted to be anywhere

  near birth when it was happening. He had gone out hunting the moment

  your mother felt her first birthing pains. Toria had been waiting

  outside the room though, she had it in her mind that the baby would

  absolutely be a girl and she was excited at the idea of welcoming in

  a new sister. I was still naive then and assumed that she would come

  around if you turned out to be a boy, so I gave no second thought

  when I rushed in, shoved you into her arms, told her to take care of

  you for a bit, and rushed back to your mother.”

  “What was wrong with my

  mother?” I had always heard there was complications after my birth,

  but the details were always sparse.

  “I do not exactly know to be

  quite honest, at first there was a lot of bleeding, but with a few

  tricks and herbs I was familiar with I was able to get it under

  control, but she was in so much agony. I have held plenty a woman’s

  hand as she screamed and cried in childbirth. You will never have to

  know it, but childbirth is a messy, painful experience, perhaps the

  most painful thing a woman will ever know, and still I have never

  heard the deep, anguished cries that wracked your mother’s body. I

  still get goosebumps remembering how pallid and withdrawn her face

  was, it felt like she was but a husk of a person, that birthing you

  had literally ripped part of her life force from her. There was not

  much I knew to do except sit with her, talking to her to keep her

  with me, singing comforting lullabies when all she could do was cry

  from pain, and wait with her until it subsided. At some point when I

  thought she was perhaps safe for a few moments, I went back to

  retrieve you from your sister, I had hoped that putting you in her

  arms might help with her strength. The whole time I had been gone,

  which had not been a short time, she had plopped you in the bassinet

  and left you screaming your head off while she stared angrily at the

  fire. She had no inclinations towards helping you or getting you to

  settle down. I scolded her for being so callous and all she wanted to

  discuss was how terrible it was that you were now the heir and she

  was not. There was not a thought or care in her head for you once she

  realized you were going to take over as heir. I can still remember

  the evil look on her face right before I took you to your mother. I

  am convinced that if I had not come back when I did to fetch you she

  might have decided to ensure that she stayed heir.”

  This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  “She was just a child,” I

  pressed again. Maybe she was right and I was the one being naive, but

  I did not want to believe that my only living close kin only harbored

  murderous thoughts of me. “Perhaps she was just really upset and

  you misinterpreted. You said yourself that you had left me in her

  care for quite a while and she did not do anything but neglect to

  take care of me. Surely if she really wanted me done away with she

  would have taken the opportunity and acted on it.”

  The nursemaid removed the

  cloth from my forehead and dipped it back into the basin, swishing it

  around to ensure that it fully was re-moistened and cooled. Her face

  was contemplative as she wrung it out and placed it back on my head.

  “I suppose there could be merit in that, but I would not use that

  as a basis to start trusting anything about that girl. Call it a

  mother’s intuition or what have you, but I know deep in my heart

  that she would have done something given the time and opportunity. I

  am certain now that resentment has probably been bred into her by

  those witches she left with. No good could come from such an evil

  House.”

  “I came from that House,

  technically.” I was not hurt by her calling it an evil house. I

  knew for certain now that that assumption was very much true.

  She gave me a soft smile and

  shook her head like I had just said something extremely childish and

  silly. “You are not truly of your mother’s house, you will trace

  your line through your father and get to ignore the nasty bit of your

  mother’s history.”

  “I would rather not forget

  my mother though. I wanted her to love me so badly.”

  “Oh she did.” She clucked

  her tongue lightly at the idea that I would bring up anything to the

  contrary. “She loved you very dearly, she was just struggling with

  her own issues especially after…”

  “After? I really wished

  people would just spit things out around me, I was the future king

  and it seemed like people still felt the need to consider hiding

  things from me.

  “Well your mother obviously

  never wanted anyone to know, but at some point when you were young,

  but old enough to be running around the castle, she miscarried a

  child. She hid it very well, I am sure that no one else took much

  notice, but there was no mistaking the way she walked and carried

  herself after it happened. I think she was even fairly far along when

  it happened, then poor dear, I think she did not want to tell anyone

  about the child because she was afraid it would not make it after all

  the struggles she had with you. Perhaps it was for the best she chose

  not to say anything, people would have hounded her with condolences

  and would have just made it more painful. Regardless, she never

  recovered fully from that and I think it caused her great pain up

  until her death. Perhaps it’s what killed her, she seemed healthy

  otherwise.”

  “That is incredibly sad,”

  I murmured, “to be in pain all that time and suffering in silence.

  I wish I would have understood and been more attentive and loving to

  her.”

  She reached over and lovingly

  moved my jet hair from my eyes, it was far too long now and I was in

  dire need of a haircut. “I think she preferred things the way they

  happened. She wanted you to have a happy, carefree childhood and you

  are such a sensitive soul that you likely would have spent a lot of

  time worrying over her. It is a mother’s plight, we give up little

  pieces of ourselves and swallow down our emotions for the betterment

  of our children. Every mother does it and we do not regret that we

  have. Your mother adored you and loved watching you grow and learn,

  even though she had to do it a bit from afar, that is why I tried so

  hard to take over some of the duty of raising you for her. Besides,

  it made me feel like I was getting to raise my own children which

  brought me comfort.”

  I tactfully kept quiet as she

  turned her head and pretended to do something with the water basin as

  a tear escaped her eyes. I knew her children were a sore subject with

  her, she really did put a lot of stock into being a mother and she

  felt broken by the fact that her own had been sent off to live with

  family while they grew up. I personally did not understand why the

  servants were not allowed to have their children with them, it seemed

  like it would make everyone happier and perhaps even work better with

  their families kept whole, but it had been a stringent rule that my

  father rarely bent on. Considering what I knew of and remembered

  about him, I was fairly certain he could barely tolerate children and

  I only got a pass because I was his own blood. If I ever could get

  put on the throne it was something I that I would strongly consider

  changing early on.

  “Anyway, that is all in the

  past now.” She had wiped her face and restored her expression to

  something that was not as pained. “Was there anything specific you

  wanted to know about your mother?”

  “I mostly am interested in

  where she came from and how she came to be betrothed to my father,

  but you probably do not know much about either of those things.” I

  used my arms to pull myself a bit farther up on the pillows, without

  the use of my legs I kept sinking down as I sat and the farther down

  I sank the harder it was to fight the lure of sleep.

  “I only know the gossip that

  her family is witches that keep company with demons and other nasty,

  evil things. It is not something I was ever inclined to go looking

  for information about, it is never a good idea to go out searching

  through things with evil attached, you end up getting sucked in and

  before you know it you have sold your soul as well. As for their

  betrothal, I only know that she came to your father with little dowry

  or pageantry, your father must have really wanted to marry her to

  ignore all the riches and political gain that comes from a marriage.”

  “I would like to know more

  about her family one day, even if all I can get it from is books and

  word of mouth. I have no one left of my blood around, perhaps if I

  could even just meet me sister just once.” Technically, there was

  no reason for me to doubt what my aunt had told me about the dark and

  disgusting side of my family, but I did hold out hope that it had

  only been lies to better control me.

  Perhaps if I did my own

  investigation, one day I would find out that they were just some

  normal family who was a bit estranged from everyone else. There was a

  gnawing bit of certainty in the pit of stomach that warned me not to

  hang my hope on it being a false narrative, but I wanted to ignore it

  for now and pretend that there might be a happy reunion possibly in

  the future.

  “I sincerely wish that you

  do not end up completing that desire, no good is going to come of

  that.” She adjusted the cloth on my forehead that had slipped while

  I had moved positions. “Just trust my intuition on this, it has no

  served me wrong yet. Meeting your sister would be a horrible idea and

  I would fear for your well being. You have to keep yourself safe as

  our future king first and foremost. Your father and mother were

  stubbornly against the idea of officially removing your sister from

  the line of succession. He did not want to out of the idea that if

  someone happened to you that at least part of his blood could remain

  on the throne and your mother still longed to have her idealized

  version of her daughter back. You need to keep in mind that if I am

  right and she is still as ill tempered and ambitious as she was when

  she was little that she wouldn't give a second thought in doing

  something evil to take the throne for herself."

  "Surely things have

  changed since she was little," I argued, "she will have

  grown and learned about the way of things. She was maybe too young

  before to understand that the title of heir always goes to the first

  born male, regardless of if a girl is born first. It is just the way

  of things and how it is always done, surely as she has aged logic and

  reason has taken over."

  "You are a dreamer, your

  mother was one too. Please just remember my warnings against ever

  giving her a single chance. If she somehow shows up at your door, you

  turn her away no matter what feelings of kinship you may feel."

  Before I could argue with her

  further, the door to my chamber opened and her daughter peaked her

  head around the door. “The watchmen have said that there are two

  riders on the horizon,” she reported dutifully. "They look to

  be about a half hour away at most, they are riding hard for the

  gates. The guards are preparing to have the gates open and the bridge

  down before they arrive to make sure they get to the room as quickly

  as possible."

  “Oh that’s wonderful

  news,” the nursemaid said with a relieved sigh, “that must be the

  healer with whomever he is fetching to help you. It is about time, I

  find it hard to believe he allowed you to sit unattended for this

  long. It feels a bit reckless for you to have been left in my care

  for so long, I am good at birthing children, but nothing else healing

  related.”

  “He did say that he did not

  know exactly where she was at the moment, perhaps it took a bit to

  find her. He did seem very concerned and wanted to make sure

  everything is done as quickly as possible."

  “I suppose,” she grumped,

  “still when the future king is in peril the healer should not just

  walk away for any length of time, he should have sent someone else.”

  I did not know the healers

  exact reasoning, but I did know that he had been very concerned about

  what had been going on and that he believed time was of the essence.

  I assumed that the risk of him leaving me for a bit was less than the

  risk for if he sat and waited for someone else to try to find her.

  There was no use trying to make an argument to the nursemaid about

  his motives however, she was thinking with her emotions and not with

  her logic.”

  “Do you need me to still

  keep watch?” her daughter asked quietly, casting me nervous

  glances. I wondered just how near death I looked for her to be

  looking at me with such concern and alarm.

  “No you have done your

  part.” She beckoned to her daughter to enter the room. “Come sit

  with our young lord while I go freshen the water again, keep him

  company and occupied while I’m away. Do not let him fall asleep, if

  he does, scream for me and I will come running.”

  The girl’s face lost the

  remainder of it’s color, but she nodded and took her mother’s

  seat at my side after she had left. She looked me up and down with

  worry, giving an unsure and shy smile. She looked very much like the

  image I had of what the nursemaid used to look like when I was young,

  but a child version. The biggest thing different about her was her

  thin, delicate nose, she must have gotten it from her father’s side

  because the nurse’s nose was the opposite of thin and delicate, it

  was squished slightly against her face and took up what many would

  consider to be too much of it.

  “Umm hi,” she said

  quietly, “nice to see you again.”

  “Indeed, under slightly

  better circumstances this time.” My forehead felt hot all of a

  sudden despite the cloth still perched upon it. I was really

  embarrassed for how I had made my first introduction to her, even

  though I had been in peril, it just wasn’t worthy of a royal.

  “It’s no worries about

  that, I would have probably freaked out even more,” she said

  reassuringly. “I think you were still very noble about the whole

  thing.”

  “I disagree, but thank you

  for saying that anyway. What is your name?”

  “Oh my name! I never told

  you, I’m so sorry, it’s Clara.”

  “Clara,” I repeated,

  “that’s a nice name.”

  “Thank you my lord.”

  “You may call me Florin.”

  I have no idea what came over me when I gave her permission to use my

  given name. It was a taboo thing for most servants to do, her mother

  was an exception as the person who raised me, but for anyone else it

  was absolutely unheard of. Perhaps I just wanted to feel close to

  someone else, I had felt utterly isolated for so long that all human

  contact felt special and like I wanted as much as I could get.

  “Florin,” she repeated so

  quietly that I could barely hear her, “you’ll have to excuse me

  if I refuse to use your name around anyone else, but it is such an

  honor that you will allow me to call you that.”