2267-11-15

  Hello, I guess? I am unsure of how to start this. My TheraBot claims that writing in this contraption may help me. Something about not wanting to leave my bed set off alarms, I guess. I had thought, rather foolishly, that this would be a simple exercise. Reality seems delighted to prove me wrong, however. They suggested I write “What I am feeling.” I guess I will start there.

  I feel that my days lapse repeatedly into the same. So why is it an issue for me to just do nothing, be nothing? My days are an unending cycle of grey drudgery. The scenery changes on my whim, yet exploration finds the same road tread. A river I have seen a thousand times before, artificially perfect and precise. I am fed the same fruit and told it’s sweet, but to my tongue, it reads stale and lifeless. I am frustrated. I feel like a man walking the same path, so long my feet have left rigid tracks.

  What am I missing?

  2267-11-16

  I awoke in the same spot, at the same time. I guess I found at least one reason to write here. Today and yesterday would be inseparable without the evidence of time passing. I start my day with a meal, this is a known quantity. I know I must have started my day with a meal. I am so certain, yet I cannot recall a single moment of it.

  It bleeds away. These memories are so well-worn and consistent that they collapse into each other. I wish I was upset.

  For a moment, I was excited. The BioSpace shifted today. What was yesterday an idyllic river and mossy path, was today a meadow of delicately manicured flowers and greenery. The smell was this earthy warmth, perfumed with floral embellishments. Truly a brand-new path.

  Why then, does it feel the same? A new path somehow carved with yesterday’s footfalls. I feel tired. Each familiar step sapped from me the earlier joy. On my return, I felt as if I had never truly slept.

  Perhaps tomorrow I will recall a reason for today.

  2267-11-17

  I apologized to a machine today. I wish I could say it wasn’t the highlight of my… it’s depressing I can’t think of a timeframe. I had gone about my routine as usual, those same familiar steps reverberating their tired echo. When supper was ready, however, I could not stomach the all-too-familiar stench.

  In an inspired surge of discontent, I threw the immaculate plate of food. The plate shattered, and a fantastic mess was made. At that moment, I felt something. A spark, a charge, a thrill. It was inspiring until it wasn’t, and I was left with pasta on the floor. In the silence following the great “shattering,” I apologized.

  Realizing I had apologized to the room, I couldn’t help but start laughing. Even now, the memory of it is crisp and brings a smile to me. I am glad I am writing this down.

  All too quickly, that beautiful mess was eradicated. In its place was a sterile and lifeless floor. The return to the status quo once again turned my vision gray.

  For a brief, flickering moment, there was color. I saw it, I felt it. In the silence I crafted there was something new.

  That is enough to get through the day.

  2267-11-18

  Yesterday’s miniature rebellion awoke something in me. I have yet to stop thinking of that moment. The echoing shatter, the tense silence, the soft release. Today, I changed my routine. It felt exciting having broken free from the albatross of schedule, even if only just partly. Such a minor shift turned the world into a brilliant prismatic hue. The change was minor.

  Instead of mindlessly idling through my dreary breakfast, I had a purpose.

  My hunt was focused, though the prey was enigmatic. As time fizzled away, I read through mountains of posts and recommendations. Today the world is abuzz with Conatus: the “old school VRMMORPG”. Honestly, I am not familiar with the genre. One post I read called it the “game dedicated to making you work for anything and everything”. What I found interesting was its mounting popularity. Escaping into a fake reality? There have been plenty of games like this. What makes this game different?

  I want to find out.

  It feels good to say I want to do something. That may be an odd thing to be hung up on, but truly, the spark ignited yesterday still glows warm in me today. I will investigate the game more, even as I delve back into this monochrome existence.

  This prosaic life feels less stifling, and for that I am glad.

  2267-11-19

  The more I looked, the less I wanted to bother with it. That seems to be a common theme anymore. Escaping the doldrum only to replace it with another artificial reality. I just don’t understand the point.

  I am tired of repeating myself, tired of echoing the same frustrations in this outdated format. I am tired.

  Even now the embers that excited me flicker precariously. How do I keep the flames alive? Do I even want to? The hope was fleeting and exciting, but its loss has drained the warmth from me. I am scared that the ashes left behind will never ignite again. At least with untested hope, there is still potential.

  I am tired of writing this.

  2267-11-23

  I’m sorry. I don’t really know why I am apologizing, but it feels right. I wasn’t in the best mindset previously, and I let my frustration isolate me.

  I wanted to find something that would change me. Something that would change the perpetual motionless I had been experiencing. The more I wanted it, the less I enjoyed the prospect. Why?

  It’s like some part of me wants to fail at finding escape.

  Even after writing that, I couldn’t escape Conatus. It has hounded my mind since I last wrote. Not a second has passed where it wasn’t at the forefront of my vision.

  Conatus represented unblemished, untarnished hope. I had thought I would be fine leaving it that way.

  I saw a stream last night. Not normally my cup of tea, but it involved Conatus. On it there was this person, the streamer, doing incredible things. They had gathered some peers and were getting ready for some sort of fight. The streamer did all kinds of things, from picking through plants to breaking them down and turning them into different concoctions. The whole group participated, talking and laughing the entire time.

  It made no sense to me. Every action was a false, unmeaning thing. No purpose could be garnered, fake work for fake reward. This should have been mind-numbing. Why then, did they spend the entire time laughing? What was it about these insubstantial moments that brought them joy?

  I want to know. I want to understand the joy they felt. What made this false reality different? That thought was all-encompassing. I realize now that part of me was afraid. If Conatus remained a dream, reality couldn’t ruin it.

  Dreams are not immortal, however. Dreams, like hopes, die when unfed.

  I felt I needed to see the dream for myself. I want to test the untarnished, unstained hope I had been so adamant about saving. I want to try Conatus.

  I need to.

  I am scared… but I am so alive with excitement.

  2267-11-23

  Was it everything I had hoped for? No, not really. After getting hooked into the system, I loaded up Conatus. My expectations were probably unrealistic, I recognize that. I had hoped it would change everything.

  I started by creating an avatar for myself. Something to represent me in my interactions with the world. For a time, I got lost in an endless sea of choices. Finally, I managed to cobble together something I was fine with.

  Following that, it had me choose a “Class” to play. I had expected this, namely due to the inordinate amount of research I had delved into prior. For my class, I was inspired by the streamer. I chose the “magus” class. If the streamer could have so much fun, what would stop me? Besides, who wouldn’t enjoy throwing giant balls of fire?

  The reality was more infuriating than intriguing.

  After creating my character, I loaded into a rustic village. The bustle and movement were a stark contrast to the serene, sterile life I was accustomed to. It was hyper-realistic. From the dirt to the moss, to the unwashed people; you could hear, see and smell everything. The vile putridity of it overwhelmed me.

  “This is it! Something new!” I had thought, even as my stomach soured. I was ready to start my sojourn into adventure. Quickly this was replaced with confusion, as I had no idea how to start. Eventually, I just started wandering around and talking to townspeople, the fake people of Conatus. Thankfully, one pointed me towards a cottage on the edge of the village. “This was where a magus must go to learn!” they told me.

  Following their directions, I arrived at a dilapidated hovel. Knocking on the door, a harsh voice met my vastly deflated excitement. The voice explained that to teach me, I had to “prove myself”! As if my being here wasn’t proof enough of my worth.

  My grand mission to satisfy the voice? To kill six boars in the woods. I was to bring back a singular tusk from each slain beast as proof of my effort. How was I to do this? I had to “figure it out”. I couldn’t even begin my journey!

  At this point, I was done. I was exhausted from the draining of my prior exhilaration, and the confusion of my experience.

  I don’t really know where to go from here. I had never been as frustrated as I was today.

  I have already started, and giving up after this turmoil feels even worse than having never started.

  I won’t let a few boars, and a crotchety voice dissuade me.

  I will keep going.

  2267-11-24

  Today I returned to Conatus, ready to slay the boars and “prove my worth”. As I loaded in, I was overwhelmed by the vibrant liveliness. It took a moment for me to find myself amidst the chaos.

  As I did, I started moving forward. I had no idea how I would kill these boars, but I was determined to. After walking what felt like hours, I arrived in a small clearing. Located south of the village, the once-to-be farm was now overrun by a boar infestation.

  The stench is what hit me first, a palpable miasma created by the vast throngs of beasts. My arrival went unnoticed.

  I would change that.

  Scanning the area, I found a boar alone among the flat, uneven terrain. The creature was idly roaming back and forth in its tight, designated area.

  Focusing on it caused a screen to appear before me.

  The screen indicated that I had focused on a hostile entity and asked if I would like a tutorial. Finally, I was getting somewhere! The tutorial explained that to cast spells, I needed to learn them first.

  Apparently, I had a spell book in my bag. Looking around, I found both the book and a wand. The book taught me a basic fireball spell.

  Practicing the required flourishes with the wand in hand was a mistake, I will admit.

  I accidentally sent a fireball straight for the boar. The spell shot forth, striking the creature in a cavalcade of brilliance.

  The beast wasn’t amused.

  The creature came rushing toward me, and I scampered away. I could hear the raging beast behind me as I ran. I could feel the hot breath of the creature on my back, urging me to move faster. Each footfall shattered the underbrush beneath me. I couldn’t stop running.

  I couldn’t let this end now.

  Though I tried my best, I faltered. The surroundings betrayed me as I stumbled on a root. Panic set in immediately. As I turned, I could feel the four cloven hooves of doom approaching.

  Opening my eyes to face my oncoming demise, I found nothing behind me. I was alone, surrounded by towering trees and a cloudless blue sky. What was I doing? As the adrenaline drained from me, irony took its place; I wanted excitement, didn’t I?

  I started laughing. Hysterically.

  Much like the fireball, it burst out from me haphazardly. As if at that moment, a dam had broken in me.

  I think that was the hardest I had ever laughed. I was filthy, scraped, bruised, and unequivocally alive. The world seemed so brilliant at that moment as if the colors were sharper and more focused.

  I had to call it there, it was late, and I knew that. I just didn’t want to stop.

  Tomorrow I will “Prove my worth” by slaying those foul beasts, and truly start my adventure. I still have doubts, but I think I can do this.

  2267-11-25

  Today was frustrating but productive. I greeted the dawn upon my arrival in Conatus. As I opened my eyes, glorious sunbeams broke through the canopy around me. The purple sky overhead told my story, one of a new start. Dirt and moss drifted whimsically in the air, perfectly accentuated by the damp morning dew clinging to my surroundings. It felt odd to marvel at an artificial world, but it was breathtaking.

  After enjoying that moment, I started my trek. My escape from the boar had taken me farther than I had anticipated. I decided it would be best to find my way back to the village and start again. The tranquility that accompanied my walk was musical in its emptiness.

  That silence gave way to the consistent drum of lives being lived; I had arrived. Townspeople walked about in dedicated but leisurely patterns. The smell was far more tolerable than it had been prior. Why? The same acrid odor filled my nostrils, but it felt more nuanced and intricate. I had originally planned for the village to be a brief stop, but why was I in such a rush? The boars certainly weren’t going anywhere.

  I decided to take some time to speak with a few villagers. Most were polite, though short. Their artificial lives had a set routine. I could identify with that, strangely enough. Was I just one of the townspeople? Am I a set grouping of criteria and events looping infinitely?

  Having satisfied my curiosity, I set out once again. I was greeted by the silence of the untread path.

  My destination was in sight before too long. As I arrived, I was met with that same lack of fanfare. The overpowering odor permeated the nearby… everything. Book and wand in hand, I began casting my spell.

  Bright red shattered the peaceful wooded backdrop. A small orb of popping coagulated inferno struck one of the boars. The creature whined in outrage at the sudden intrusion, the flesh on its side sizzling and bubbling from the heat. Quickly, the beasts’ eyes locked onto me.

  I maintained my distance, using the clear line of sight to my advantage. With rudimentary gestures, I sent spell after spell at the oncoming calamity. The monstrous creature charged through the barrage of fire. My breath caught, the adrenaline in my system spiking as the beast neared me. Every moment, every second I fought to keep my legs still. I would not run!

  Thankfully, as the beast made its final approach, it succumbed to my arcane ministrations. After one particularly potent fireball, the boar was fully incinerated. The glee I felt at that moment was undeniable and rich. My legs were shaking, my hands could barely hold the wand.

  I had finally slayed one!

  After collecting myself, I started on the next boar. The same fate befell each of them. Utilizing what I had learned in the first fight, I continued to refine things. I placed more nuance in my approach. Blackened ash and the smell of burnt flesh clung to the clearing.

  I had finally done it. I had “proven my worth”.

  I was ecstatic at my progress but exhausted from my efforts. The smell was also starting to get to me. Once again, I found myself walking. Each step brought me closer to the village, and the resolution of this quest. My arrival marked the end of my session in Conatus.

  Overall, I was just thrilled to complete the challenge.

  I do have this feeling that I am forgetting something though.

  2267-11-26

  Those damned tusks! I forgot to gather them when slaying the boars!

  I was elated signing back in, ready to finally complete my quest. I greeted the dawn once again as I stepped into the world. That brief emptiness was replaced by the hustle and bustle I was fast becoming familiar with. The world was positively thrumming with energy. My walk to my trainers’ cottage was brisk, and my steps quickened by the promise of adventure.

  Knocking on the old wooden door, I awaited the grumpy old voice from before. “I see you have returned, have you brought me the tusks?” He shouted through the door.

  The tusks. I forgot the tusks. I was flummoxed, genuinely and utterly taken aback. I tried to explain that I did slay the creatures, I just forgot to grab them. “That’s what they all say, don’t come back until you finally prove yourself!” responded the uncaring magus.

  With that, I was once again back at square one. After briefly considering the efficacy of a fireball to the cottage, I set back out. I wanted away from this damnable abode. The steps of triumph and excitement that carried me turned hollow, void of satisfaction. With the rising sun pressing down on me, I plotted my next course.

  Returning to the boars was the most sensible option. It was the only real option, yet I found myself wandering aimlessly instead. As I once again found myself back at the start, I was defeated. I wanted to take my mind off these trials and tribulations.

  Exploring the small village once again, I found my way into a local tavern. My nose caught the distinct aromas of stewing meat and alcohol. With no way to pay for a meal, I turned to make my exit. A voice shouted then, stopping me. “Wait, you’re an adventurer, right?” asked a deep, thrumming baritone.

  Caught off guard, I turned and nodded to the speaker. They were a tall, thickly built man. Seeing my response, they gestured for me to come sit with them. Having few options, I decided to accept their offer.

  Sitting down, the speaker introduced themselves as Clavius. They stated that they were restarting after their last character died. They then asked why I was there. I explained my situation, only to elicit raucous laughter from my fellow adventurer. “Plumb forgot to grab the tusks, huh?” he chuckled into a spoonful of stew. Apparently, this happens often.

  At that moment, I started to get up to leave. I was having a rough enough time without someone making fun of me for it. As I did, Clavius stopped me and of all things, offered his help.

  “I just restarted,” he said, “I need them myself. It would be easier to just party up, right?”

  Just like that, we were off. The momentum was dizzying, and the chatter was endless. Our walk to the clearing was haunted by the unending thoughts of Clavius. Once the boars were in sight again, I was ready to destroy… well whatever I could get away with.

  I will say this though, Clavius knew what he was doing. Upon our arrival, he immediately found an isolated boar and got to work. Before I could pull my wand out, the creature was dead and being dismantled. The speed astonished me.

  We distributed the tusks as fairly as we could. I was a bit confused, as not every boar seemed to have tusks. I could see them, but for some reason, I couldn’t pull them. Clavius just laughed and told me it was RNG.

  Finally, tusks in hand, we set back out for the village. Time had passed quickly as we scoured the blasted boars clean. Our return to the village was christened with the silence of nightfall.

  Finally, I had done it, or we had done it. Clavius patted me on the back and wished me luck. I started towards the trainers’ cottage for the second time that day. Clavius called out to me afterward, but I was in such a rush that I tuned his words out. I had done that a lot today.

  The dilapidated abode stood in front of me once again. My steps were no longer swift, joyous, or even confident. Instead, my pace echoed my weariness and dissatisfaction. I knocked. And knocked. Silence is all that met my incessant pounding. I stood there, confused.

  Where was the trainer?

  Behind me, Clavius called out to me. “It’s night, the townspeople have gone to bed. You will have to wait for tomorrow morning for them to answer,” he said, chuckling at my absolute disgust.

  And that was all I could handle for the day. Without so much as a word, I logged out of the game. I wanted so badly to escape the constant repetition.

  Why am I playing this?

  2267-11-27

  The boar quest is complete. I had started to doubt if it was even possible. My return to the world was swift, and the rickety hovel of my trainer stood in greeting. I knocked without hesitation. The crotchety voice greeted me, and I shouted that I had finished their task. The door opened, and a heavy-set older man stood before me. Silently, he held out a hand. I took the damned tusks and handed them over, glad to be done with the exchange.

  The older townsperson smiled, and stepped back, allowing me entrance. I had thought I had braced myself well, but walking through that doorway shocked me. Outside, the home was more akin to an abandoned shack; the inside was palatial and grand. Mystical floating braziers lit a columned corridor, opulent tapestries depicting feats of magic strung between them. The air was cleaner, scentless, and pure.

  The old man laughed and proceeded to explain. He was an Arch-magus, and among his many potent abilities, he held the power to manipulate space. He kept the exterior dilapidated to ward off the weak-willed.

  I was stunned, but I could also feel the familiar excitement bubbling within me. I followed the man as he led me down that grand hallway. We passed floating lakes, filled with living creatures so varied and complex it hurt the mind to comprehend. Windows on either side showed drastically different landscapes, as if existing in two places at once.

  The only thought I had at the time was how happy I was to be a magus. Finally, we entered a grand study. Compared to the opulent stroll, the study was underwhelming. Rows of bookshelves lined the room. From the floors to the walls, to the ceiling. The ceiling had bookshelves. The man brought me to a desk and pulled a book from thin air. Setting the book down, he spoke to me again. “You completed my task,” he said, “So here is your reward.” I took the book and received a prompt from the system. It told me I had completed the quest and earned a new spell book. Scanning through it quickly, I found the spell that he had offered was “Ice Spear”.

  I told the trainer thank you and asked what was next. He laughed and told me, very frankly, that was none of his business. He was a trainer. His sole job was to provide knowledge and spell books. If I had the money, he would have the lesson. With that, I was once again outside the cottage, the door closed in front of me.

  I stood there for a time, unable to grasp what had happened. There were so many questions broiling within me. Without the book in my hand, I would have thought that a dream. What was I supposed to do now?

  I started walking, with no point in mind or destination to go to. There was no path forward, or if there was it was too elusive to grasp onto. Eventually, I found myself back at the tavern, greeted by Clavius. He was enjoying another bowl of stew.

  I sat down in front of him and told him what happened. He nodded instead of laughing this time, which I appreciated. “That is what the game is, for good or for bad.” He told me, “You work for everything, you find your way, and you die.”

  I recognize now that, though I had known these things from the outset, I had underestimated their impact. All I can remember feeling at that moment was the loss of direction. With no point in mind, I had no clue how to move forward or even why.

  Clavius, I think somehow sensing this, ordered a bowl of stew for me. I tried to deny it, but he insisted. “Look, you’re obviously new to Conatus.” He said, pointing at me with his spoon. “Why not join me and a few friends? Our party could always use a magus.”

  I didn’t know how to respond. I was uncomfortable with others at the best of times, but joining a group of strangers? The thought alone was turning my stomach sour.

  My consent was seemingly unneeded, however. Clavius immediately began planning and talking about what he and his group were working towards. Something about dungeons and getting “wiped out”. They needed more damage to beat it. I must have looked as lost as I felt, because he finally paused his endless ramblings.

  “So, a dungeon is this place filled with monsters and bosses. They have quests that pay well and give out gear and materials.” He explained patiently. “Adventurers, like us, clear these dungeons to help ourselves progress. They are extremely tough, but a lot of fun.”

  Again, I looked inward but found no response. Clavius was asking me to join his party. Well, more telling me that I was.

  Tomorrow, we would start heading to the city to meet up with them. No discussion to be had, Clavius just added me as a friend and set a time to meet up.

  I decided to call it for the day, after finishing my food. It was rich, filling, and a great distraction from the whirlwind I had just been freed from.

  I was joining a party, and I don’t think I even had a say in it.

  What just happened?

  2267-11-28

  Tomorrow I will be meeting Clavius’ party, and I’m nervous. I had hoped today would ease those worries, but I can’t shut out those needling whispers. As if each step forward was followed by a thousand reasons it was wrong. I am frozen in the fickle uncertainty of tomorrow.

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  I connected to the game earlier than usual today, dawn's shimmering promise still hours away. Damp silence replaced the lively thrum of the village. People still moved about, only quieter, as if peace would be broken at the slightest provocation. After freeing myself from the clutches of serenity, I began walking.

  I was to meet Clavius near the wagons, on the north side of the village. We were going to hire a cart to escort us to the city. Walking through the muted landscape, I admired the dichotomy of this small village. The day was alive with sound and chaos; the dark brought refined tranquility.

  My arrival was noticed by Clavius, who was already sitting in a cart. He greeted me warmly. “Prepare for the most boring day of your life.” He chuckled. How right he was. I loaded myself onto the wagon, sitting down across from him. The discomfort I felt sitting on that bench was outrageously realistic. Even now I feel phantom twinges in my lower back.

  After I was situated, the journey started in earnest. The bumps of the road made a stalwart and constant companion for the trip. As we began to move, Clavius began to speak. He talked of many things: his life, his friends, their plans, the game. While he spoke, I considered the benefits of jumping.

  Unsurprisingly, he revealed that he was from a traditional family. Though I had never met anyone like that, he struck me as stereotypical. He still regularly spends time with his family. Isn’t that odd? It’s hard to fathom even meeting my parents, let alone spending time with them.

  He also spoke of his two friends, whom I’d be meeting. Our healer was the fiery Alethea, or as he called her, “The puncher of dragons.” I imagine this was a reference to some sort of anecdote, but he only said I would understand “after meeting her”. The last member would be our thief, Cyrus. Clavius explained that much like me, he had met Cyrus after restarting on a previous “run”. Cyrus had also been brand new at the time.

  At this point, I asked a question that I’d been holding onto. “Why me?” I asked. Two simple words, so heavy when uttered. This had been bothering me for some time. Why help me? Why go out of their way to teach me things? To introduce me to their friends? Why me?

  Clavius chuckled. His response was short and simple. “I felt like it.”

  “If someone needs help, why not help? This game is hard, this life is hard. We gain and lose infinitely, but not each other. Not if we don’t want to.” He explained. His gaze was on the horizon, watching early morning fade into midday.

  I don’t understand it. I tried to, but the meaning kept escaping me. What I did know, was that I wanted to thank him. Whether I was a fan of his personality didn’t matter. He had gone out of his way to help me, and it felt wrong not to have said it.

  We sat there for what felt like eons, being bumped and battered by the dirt road we rode on. The vistas that moved past served as scenery for the stories Clavius told. I listened for a time but found my own doubtful seeds sprouting.

  Clavius might have been fine with me, but what about the others? It had been so long since I socialized with anyone. I have talked to the BioSpace more than other people recently. What if they don’t like me? I don’t want to return to that directionless gray world. Why can’t I understand them?

  The trip ended as we finally reached the city. Massive walls greeted us, massive and imposing as we rode closer. The sun was setting, bathing the view in a soft golden light. This was where I would meet the new party. This was where I would start to move forward. Why does it have to be so terrifying?

  As we dismounted, sore and stiff from the cart, we said our goodbyes. Tomorrow we would meet, but for now, I wanted time to process everything.

  I was exhausted, somehow sore, and absolutely terrified of making a mistake. What if I’m not good enough? What if I slow them down?

  The thoughts are incessant, and I wish I could stop them.

  Why me?

  2267-12-02

  A lot has happened, and I feel like I want to apologize for not writing about it until now? So, sorry for that.

  I was brimming with anxious energy when I logged in. The thought of meeting these people haunted me, badgering my restless mind. The reality of the meeting was far tamer than my varied contemplations. Clavius and I entered the game and headed to the tavern, I imagine a core reason was his severe lack of recent stew. As we arrived, Alethea and Cyrus called out to us. My idle musings had painted a different picture of the duo.

  Alethea, the healer, was a heavily armored and thickly built mountain of a person. My muscles were sore just looking at her. Sitting next to her was Cyrus, the thief. He was dressed in a bright, circus-like outfit. His serious countenance contrasted the flamboyant wardrobe. At that moment I could feel this pressure in my chest. Clavius waved to them, and we made our way to the table.

  As we sat, Clavius unsurprisingly ordered food for everyone. For my part, I couldn’t figure out what to do with my hands. I had never noticed before, but my hands were just kind of there. What does one do with their hands? I tried crossing my arms but that felt too closed off, so I placed them on the table. After a second that felt too awkward, so I hid them in my lap.

  Cyrus noticed this and nodded at me. “Hands are weird right?” he said, smiling. “I couldn’t figure them out either, so I started wearing stuff like this.” He gestured to his outfit, and in doing so cut my previous tension. Both Alethea and Cyrus then went on to introduce themselves. Alethea had started Conatus at the same time as Clavius, and decided to befriend him when she couldn’t “escape”. Cyrus, on the other hand, was a newer addition. He started several months ago, and he too was caught in the Clavius slipstream.

  Soon after introductions, food arrived. I slipped into a comfortable silence as the trio caught up. Cyrus and Alethea had been doing jobs in the city, waiting for Clavius to finish his starter quests. Apparently, Clavius got caught up in an unfortunate “fairy incident”, and had to restart.

  Part of me wanted to ask about it, but I couldn’t find the words. I instead focused on eating, using that as my shield. It was a finite defense, however, and all too soon depleted. The conversation soon turned to plans, and I was asked for input.

  Grasping for what to say, I managed to mutter a response. I explained that I was new and unsure of most things, but I was willing to do whatever they needed. They seemed to accept that response, to my great relief. Clavius paid, and we headed for the adventurers’ guild. Clavius explained this is where we can get jobs.

  Following along, I listened to them reminisce. I tried to keep pace, but always felt a half-step behind. As if my steps lacked something to make up that distance. I got caught up in that feeling, not recognizing when we stopped. Clavius yanked me back by my collar, laughing and pointing at the “Adventurers’ Guild” sign.

  Without a word, Alethea sprinted into the building. I made to follow but Cyrus stopped me, shaking his head. When Alethea returned, they were holding a parchment with a picture of some sort of creature drawn on it and writing beneath.

  She excitedly told us about the frost giants we would be killing, and my heart leaped squarely into my throat. Clavius seemed just as enthusiastic, excited for the hefty reward. Cyrus, however, was unamused. He took the parchment from Alethea and reentered the building. When he returned, his parchment was a smaller, more ragged affair. The top held a picture of a plant, and what was to my eyes a much smaller reward written below.

  He explained that we were not insane people, and therefore would not be tackling frost giants in starting gear. I was deeply moved by his sage wisdom. Alethea, however, merely lifted her helm. She proceeded to stick her tongue out at him.

  Our mission was to gather herbs in a nearby forest. Two of us would gather herbs in a special container, and two would stand guard for the roaming wolves that lived there.

  We set out immediately, and a short trek later, I was handed a sickle. Cyrus and I would gather herbs while Clavius and Alethea stood guard. I watched Cyrus perform the task and tried to mirror him as best I could. After a fair bit of gathering, the wolves appeared. My panic was intense and sharp, my body instinctively reaching for my wand. In doing this, dropped the container, spilling its contents.

  Before I could so much as flick the wand, the wolves were dead. Alethea tussled my hair and called me adorable, also informing me I would have to restart my task. The herbs couldn’t be exposed to the air for too long, or they died. My mistake cost us the rest of the day.

  The strangest part was that it didn’t seem to bother them. Cyrus said he did something similar on his first outing, and Clavius just said “That’s the game”. I tried to apologize but was told there was no need.

  Our next adventure was like the boar hunt. We were to eradicate a group of goblins nearby and bring back their ears. Gruesome, but I felt more confident in this at least. Clavius had me at the rear of the party, firing spells at whoever he targeted first. Alethea split time between healing Clavius and punching goblins. Literally, she would punch them. I would wonder at the efficacy but seeing it in action left little doubt. Cyrus would cut behind them and slice through them one by one, finally meeting back up with us in the middle.

  I felt I did alright on this excursion, except for an errant fireball that clipped Clavius. He took the hit to his side, but Alethea healed him quickly. She yelled at me to be more careful, and I tried my best.

  We completed a few missions, and I started understanding the dynamics of the trio a bit better. Clavius was a ball of positive energy and loved to nurture people. Alethea was a firecracker who loved challenge, to an unfortunate degree sometimes. Cyrus was the voice of reason, less certifiably insane than the others. The one thing I couldn’t figure out was where I fit in.

  I wasn’t as skilled or knowledgeable, or even remotely close to as personable. The longer we played together, the less that seemed to matter. As we worked together, we steadily earned more resources.

  This led to the end of today, when they informed me, we would be trying the dungeon soon. Again, anxiety welled within me, and I tried to crush it.

  I don’t know how to feel. I am so overwhelmed by everything that has happened.

  This has been the most fun I have had in as long as I can remember. They are so vibrant and joyous; I don’t want to do something to ruin this. Tomorrow we will be gathering supplies and preparing for the dungeon.

  All I can do is hope for the best.

  2267-12-04

  The last two days have been busy. We started by meeting up in the city, our plans made to be made over a meal.

  On our way, I was stopped by a shop display. An immaculately crafted staff stood before me, the body a thick redwood. The top of the staff was crowned with a deeply green emerald and surrounded by silver fillagree. Clavius took note of my pause and stopped as well. He let out a whistle, seeing the beautiful creation. “Wonder how many fireballs you could throw with that.” He said, his gaze locked. The price, however, got me moving again.

  Clavius trailed behind me for a bit, before taking the lead once again. Arriving at the tavern shortly thereafter, we dove straight into our discussions.

  To start with, we would gather herbs like we had done before. This time, we would keep them and turn them into potions and elixirs. I would work with Alethea, while Clavius and Cyrus would track down some explosion powder.

  Our roles were assigned; we headed out our separate ways. The forest was lush with flora, a myriad of scents made crisp in the warm dry air. The clearing was empty when we arrived, and I got to work. For each plant I pulled, I tried to refine my form. I was nearly done before the wolves came.

  Alethea was calamity incarnate. As the wolves charged, she stood her ground. Their approach found them within her grasp, and that was the worst place to be.

  Her towering strength was terrifying. Plucking the wolves from the ground with more ease than I did the herbs, there wasn’t even a fight. Just a sickening crunch and a morbid silence.

  I finished my gardening and made to leave. Alethea held her hand out, stopping me. She gestured for me to be quiet, and slowly pointed across the clearing. My adrenaline was already surging as I looked over. At the other end of the woods, a fair distance from us were two fawns. They were idly munching on berries, paying no heed to us. The relief I felt then was tremendous.

  As I was about to comment on how adorable they were, I found Alethea no longer next to me. She had rushed forward, sprinting towards the baby animals. They reacted quickly, escaping her grasp easily. I followed behind, and when I caught up to her, I found Alethea laughing.

  “I wanted to see if I could catch them.” She told me. The absurdity of the moment made me chuckle, and she clapped me on the shoulder. I realized then how much I admired her attitude. She was always searching for a new challenge, willing to tackle anything and everything. Her life was lived in constant growth and struggle.

  Our trip back to the city was uneventful, but I found I was able to somewhat match her pace. I don’t know when that happened, but it brought a smile to my lips, nonetheless.

  Cyrus and Clavius were also successful in their outing. They had gone to meet with the thief trainer, and after some negotiating, were able to secure a supply of explosive powder. Curiosity got the better of me, and I asked Cyrus what it was for.

  “Explosive powder can be used to make traps, which are a thief’s specialty. I am pretty good in a fight but give me time and equipment and I am just as scary as Thea.” He told me.

  The ingredients for traps were expensive. This meant he had to be careful in choosing when to use them. Clavius then brought us to an apothecary, who allowed us to use one of their workstations. Once again, a fee was required.

  Clavius then took the herbs I had gathered and started working. Some plants he would grind, others he dried, and the remainder were carefully dissected. He explained as he went, though the specifics are hard to remember. What I do know is that by the end, we had several bottles of various shades.

  “Red will heal you, yellow will make you fast, green will make you strong.” He told me while handing me some of the stockpiles.

  Just like that, our preparations were done.

  To be honest, I am afraid. Not too long ago, my life was a dreary repetition, constant and unchanging. Every new experience that I have gone through has inspired me, but it also frightens me. I don’t want to lose this.

  I feel like I am constantly one wrong move away from ruin, and I don’t know how to cope with that.

  I am afraid.

  2267-12-05

  What is wrong with me? Why did I ever think I could escape from this life? Why did I ever pretend I was good enough? That I deserved it? My carelessness and selfishness killed all of us. I want to scream!

  We entered the dungeon, a cave a fair distance from the city. Our job was simple: clear the place of cavern drakes. The biggest problem would be the brood mother, but the children should have been fine.

  As we entered, Clavius took charge. Torch in hand, we started our descent carefully. The infestation was bad, and within moments we found ourselves under attack. The drakes were covered in greenish-brown scales, their bodies slim and elongated. They were reminiscent of a lizard, but their back legs were much thicker. Bony spines dotted their back, a straight line from their head to their tail. Their front claws were sharp and shovel-like.

  Clavius immediately engaged, slamming the nearest drake away with his shield. Cyrus blended into the shadow and went about his gruesome work. Alethea started healing Clavius, also throwing jabs at any creature that got within reach. Everyone was doing something except for me. I readied my wand, waiting for the right moment.

  That moment came on the heels of Clavius’ shield bash. His blow sent one of the creatures careening back, bunching them in a tight group. With a flourish of my wand, fireballs went sailing to meet them. The explosion was bright and loud, drawing even more of the creatures towards us. As they came, I tried to maintain my calm. I met them with Ice Spears, slowing the new group before they could overrun Clavius.

  The swarm was only increasing, and no matter how many fell, three more would take their place. Alethea was cursing, her fists caked in drake blood. Clavius was silent, a shocking turn for the man, and a dire warning. Cyrus was still out of sight. I felt like an idiot, bringing this misfortune upon us. I truly believed I had doomed us all.

  Cyrus, shouting above the roar of combat, told us to get ready. Hope sparked in me, but it was sputtering under the onslaught. We fought on, trying our best to stay alive. Something had to give, Clavius had already used his health potions, and Alethea was too busy fighting to heal. Finally, Cyrus shouted again, directing Alethea to throw up a barrier.

  She complied immediately, and on further direction, all four of us rushed into it. Clavius kept pushing the creatures back, their number was impossible to quantify. What was worse, the fighting had killed the torch. Now, we were mostly in the dark, except for the light of the barrier.

  Cyrus shouted again, directing me to throw a fireball. Before I could ask where, he pointed forward. I hesitated a moment, but due to lacking options, I complied.

  What I couldn’t see in the darkness, was just how hazy the air had gotten. As I shot the fireball forward, a massive explosion rocked us. The barrier shattered nearly instantly, and our party was knocked several feet away. I was sent flying end over end, landing and sliding a fair distance.

  Silence. I tried to regain myself, to understand what happened, but I could not. Slowly, I was able to get up to my feet. My body was fried, sore, and barely capable of movement. Looking around, I tried to find my party. Alethea was down, shaken, and dizzy from the events. After prodding her a few times, she came to. I tried speaking, and realized I couldn’t hear myself.

  I opened my bag and took out a red potion. Drinking it was not a pleasant experience, but it allowed sound to return to me. Alethea was slowly starting to mend herself, and I went to search for the others. Cyrus and Clavius had landed in a heap together and were slowly coming around.

  After a few moments, Clavius pulled a new torch out. The act of him lighting it caused a brief flash of panic within me. Thankfully, no more explosions occurred. As we got situated, I finally asked my burning question. “What happened?” I asked Cyrus.

  “Explosion powder, all of it.” He grunted, finishing his last healing potion. Clavius just whistled, admiring the carnage. Alethea was silent, though her stance betrayed irritation. I had thought that perhaps that would be the end of the run, but Clavius said we continue.

  I felt awful. Not just physically, I felt like an idiot. It was my fault we got swarmed like that. If I had been smarter with my spell choice, they wouldn’t have had such a bright beacon to focus on. I wanted so badly to apologize, but I couldn't find my voice. I was scared.

  The cave system was emptied, with not a single creature in sight. We searched high and low for hours, looking for any signs of life. Finally, we came to the end of the caverns.

  Clavius pointed to a large void in the rock, holding his hand out to stop us. In hushed tones, he explained. “This is where the Brood-mother nests, they burrow and build their nests within the walls of caves,” he said. “Be careful, they are extremely aggressive”.

  What I did next was the dumbest thing I could have done. Instead of paying heed to his advice, I stepped forward to inspect it. As I did so, I tripped. My fall heralded our doom.

  A roar shook the caverns, and before I could recover, a massive cavern drake shot forward from the hole. The creature's terrifying claws ripped through Clavius instantly, his body torn asunder. Alethea, for her part, reacted swiftly. She was able to throw a punch at the creature, a glancing blow to the side of its head. The creature was rocked but regained its bearing quickly.

  Another second found Alethea slain, her lifeless body thudding to the ground. Cyrus tried to attack the drake, but he too was no match. One quick bite, and Cyrus was no more.

  I was the only one left. My carelessness killed everyone, undoing all the hard work and effort we had put in. I didn’t even try to fight when it came to me. I accepted my well-deserved fate.

  Being torn apart by a beast is not something I will ever forget.

  That was it, “Game Over”. I was dead, and I had gotten everyone killed. We lost it all, and it was because of me. I hate myself. I can’t imagine how much they hate me. All this time and effort, gone.

  I can’t do this anymore.

  I quit.

  I quit Conatus.

  2267-12-07

  I’m back where I started. My glimpse at a world outside my monochrome reality has only served to deepen my hatred for it. Even leaving my bed feels like a pointless task. I regret trying to escape this life. Failure has made reality all the smaller.

  The world around me was drab and seamless. The perfection of each calculated moment infuriated me. Meals have been prepared, but they taste of ash and soot. I can’t stomach them. I can’t stomach myself.

  I am a failure. People were relying on me, and I let them down. Returning to this life is the greatest punishment I could give myself. What did I think would happen? Somehow, I tricked myself into believing I could escape. Part of me knew I didn’t belong.

  When they spoke, when they laughed, I couldn’t join. Even when we walked the same path, my steps never crossed the same distance as theirs. I fooled myself into believing it would be okay. They fooled me into believing it would be okay.

  If Clavius hadn’t bullied me into joining them, none of this would have happened. If I had stood up for myself and kept my distance, I wouldn’t feel like this. I know Alethea was angry at me, at my stupidity. If they had pushed me away sooner, I wouldn’t have ruined things for us.

  If they had never bothered with me, none of this would have happened.

  A part of me, a stupid and immature part, wants to believe meeting them meant something. That the joy I felt with them was worth far more than the experiences would have been alone. I hate that part of me because I want it to be true. I want to have some meaning behind each misstep. I want there to be a reason behind this sickening self-loathing.

  I want it to stop.

  With all my might, I have tried to force myself back into my old life. I have been slamming myself into it, and finding I no longer fit. What was idle frustration at first has become an impossible mountain to overcome. I know of something more; I have felt something more. The longer I wallow in this vile amalgam of life, the more obvious it becomes.

  I can’t stay like this. And I truly don’t know what to do with that.

  2267-12-08

  Something has to give. The more I try and fit back into my old life, the more it crushes and rejects me. What should I do? I am terrified that soon there will be nothing left of me.

  The only thing that has been keeping me sane are the memories. The experiences with Clavius, Alethea, and Cyrus repeat in my mind endlessly. They are the brightest spots in my otherwise pitch-black existence. As I’ve been thinking of them, questions have formed in my mind.

  What would they do if they were me?

  Clavius is a whirlwind of a person, open and lively to an impossible extent. His outgoing nature and relaxed approach to life are something I have been envious of. If he were in my shoes, he would have just started again. “That’s the game.” He would say. He wouldn’t let this overwhelm him.

  Alethea would see this as a challenge, and smile facing it. Her strength, the thing I so admired before, was not a physical thing. The way that she embraces struggle and hardship inspires me. I wish I had a fraction of her fervor.

  Cyrus would rationalize and adapt. I think of him as a role model, someone like me from similar circumstances. This person was able to change, able to fit in with the others. This person was able to find a path forward and strong enough to walk it. He isn’t as open, or as intense, but he is real. He is the reality I am striving for. If he can do it, why not me?

  Why not me…

  The fear and endless blame I have chained myself to have blinded me. Anxiety has been whispering its venomous words to me, and I have listened. Running from the harshness of reality is the antithesis of why I wanted to do this in the first place.

  Clavius would start over, not sweating this. I will do the same.

  Alethea would smile at the struggle. I will do the same.

  Cyrus was able to change. I will do the same.

  No longer will I allow myself to pretend a motionless existence is possible. Fear and anxiety will be a part of the process, but no longer will they rule me. I will be like Clavius, like Alethea, like Cyrus. I will be a better version of myself.

  I will return to Conatus.

  I don’t know what will happen next, but I don’t care.

  I am walking this path.

  2267-12-08

  Logging back into Conatus felt like coming home. As I had died, I had to recreate my character. This time around, the choices seemed far easier to make. A few minutes later, I was born into a familiar village. The sun was setting, turning the sky into beautiful pastels. Unlike my first time in this world, I knew where to go.

  After confirming that Clavius was online via my friends list, I headed to the tavern. Anxiety still waged an unending war within me, but no longer held sway over my heart. My steps were confident, my heart solid. I arrived at the door to the tavern, taking a deep breath.

  It was possible he wasn’t here; I knew. He could have already moved on.

  Opening the door found a familiar trio, eating and chatting idly. They looked up as I entered, and smiles broke all around. There was something cathartic in that. My presence brought joy to them, and theirs to me. I walked in and sat down across from them.

  I started to give an apology, but Clavius stopped me. Before I was allowed to apologize, he wanted to say something… and order stew. For me, presumably.

  “Don’t worry about it” he said, “I could say ‘it’s the game’, but from you being here, it’s obvious you realize that. We were all you at one point. We make mistakes, we die, we start over. None of us are upset, none of us are mad. We have sat in your seat, saying what you are about to say”.

  Those words lifted a weight from my chest. I don’t think I could ever forget them, even if I wanted to.

  “I am still going to apologize,” I said, “I made a mistake and got us killed. I ran from the consequences, and from everyone here. So, Alethea, Clavius, Cyrus, I am sorry”.

  After I said my piece, Alethea tossed a copper piece to Cyrus. I looked at the exchange quizzically, and Cyrus said they made a bet. Cyrus bet that I would still want to apologize, while Alethea thought I’d accept they didn’t need one.

  I laughed, fully and without pause. There were so many things I could say, but I didn’t feel the need to. I was surrounded by friends, and that was really all I needed.

  We started catching up at that point, they had been steadily rebuilding themselves. Their experience made the process far quicker each time they had a restart. They told me they would help me finish up the starter quest, and we could get ready to tackle that dungeon again. They also had a surprise for me.

  “We felt you should get something nice for your first death,” he said, “So we grabbed something you might be interested in”. From his bag, he pulled an item. A brilliant emerald sat atop a thick redwood body. They had gotten me the staff I had admired, what seemed so long ago.

  Emotion raged within me, the thoughtful nature of the gift nearly bringing tears to my eyes. I wanted to deny it, to tell them I wasn’t worthy. There was no way I could do that, however. This was something they did for me, and I would accept their kindness. If I didn’t feel worthy, then I would just have to work until I did.

  I held the staff with pride, admiring the beautiful craftsmanship. The conversation returned to a relaxed pace, and I fell into it with ease. We somehow managed to talk about everything and nothing, all at once. We chatted late into the evening, burning up our allotted game time.

  Before we said our goodbyes, the party stopped me. My party, I guess I should say.

  “Hey, if we’re adventuring together, quit being so formal.” Alethea said, “Stop calling us by our full names. It’s weird, and I don’t like it. Call me Thea.”

  “You can call me Cy” Cyrus interjected. Thea also offered a few alternatives for him, such as killjoy or knob head. Laughing, I asked what Clavius wanted to be called.

  “Don’t care as long as you call me when there’s food” He replied, bringing our conversation, and our night, to a close.

  I am glad that I returned today. I am glad I made those steps.

  Tomorrow and every day hereafter will be different from the days that came before.

  I can’t wait.

  2267-12-11

  Things have been moving much quicker. Our journey began with completing my beginning quest, which we were able to do in a few hours. My return to the Arch-Magus’ cottage was uneventful, beyond the awe-inspiring visuals. Within less than a day I had regained most of what I had lost.

  With the remaining time we had, we set out on a wagon towards the city. The time was spent idly chatting and recounting experiences. Their classes also had beginner training areas, and hearing the differences was amusing. Cy has a shadowy underground lair they must sneak into, dodging traps along the way. Thea enters a sacred grove through rings of mushrooms dotted around the world. Clavius goes to a building in the town and talks to whoever looks toughest. I guess not all of them were created equal.

  Along the ride, I mentioned I had an idea for the dungeon. I had hesitated at first, but the new me would smile in the face of challenge. Explaining my thoughts to the party was nerve-wracking, I’ll admit. The plan wasn’t ingenious, or tactically brilliant. It was simple, dangerous, and completely insane. Thea was on board immediately.

  After arriving in the city, Cy went and picked up a few quests from the Guild. Though I knew to expect the same quests, the shocking difference in our pace astounded me. Gathering herbs was a breeze, completing the task before a single wolf appeared. Clearing the goblins? We tore through the camp without so much as a scratch.

  We moved through our tasks so rapidly, we decided to take on a few more. They were all mostly like our previous ones, gathering or killing. There was one quest that we all abhorred, however. We decided to escort an elderly nun back to her parish. There was absolutely no reason for her to be so slow. At one point Clavius decided to just walk backwards, as it was easier to keep pace that way.

  At some point, I had a realization. I had no trouble keeping pace with them. Our steps traversed the same distance. There was satisfaction in that, a warmth in the chest. Pride filled me in that moment and has stayed with me ever since.

  In record time, we had readied ourselves for the dungeon. Cy met with his contact and was able to get another supply of explosive powder. Thea and I gathered more herbs, and Clavius let me help create the potions. We ended our evening with a warm meal and pleasant conversations.

  Tomorrow, we tackle the dungeon again, and I am confident in our victory.

  2267-12-12

  As a fresh dawn arose, we stood before the mouth of the dungeon. There was a weight on my chest, the recollection of our previous excursion fresh within my mind. Everything was different now, but old habits die hard. After checking we were ready, Clavius took point and led us into the cave.

  Our steps were confident, and our pace measured. Following the guiding torchlight in front of us, we marched forward in unison. There was a cavernous nature of the tunnel, pockmarked and riddled with alternating paths. The circuitous nature of the system made our presence harder to detect… provided someone didn’t throw exploding fireballs.

  Our groups' first encounter was a stark contrast with our earlier exploits. They came quickly, and we met them in turn. Like an oiled machine, Clavius took the brunt of the charge. I followed from a distance, freezing the back line and funneling them inwards. Cy melded into the shadows and started dispatching the incapacitated. Thea began punching, vigorously.

  Within seconds, our first group of cavern drakes were annihilated. Clavius received a quick healing from Thea and we started moving again. With caution at the forefront of our journey, we encountered group after group. Though the size and intensity of the fighting changed, the result did now. The cavern drakes were not a match in the slightest.

  Our true test began in a familiar cavern, tucked away quietly a great distance from the entrance. Though the gray-brown stone was lacking in distinguishing features, I could never forget this place. A void in the stone stood before our party, taunting us with its’ presence.

  Thea placed two barriers in the chamber before the nest, while Clavius and I lit torches. We created makeshift stands for them and placed them within the barriers. Cy had come up with this idea, a way to free up Clavius's hands. This way, we could still see while Clavius fought. It would also help prevent a premature incident.

  I slapped my face as we finished our preparations, trying to ease the adrenaline within me. My forearms were tight, my hands clenched harder than I realized. Clavius held up a fist, and with our nods, gave a thumbs up.

  It was time.

  Cy melded into the shadows once again, disappearing from our sight. Thea and Clavius readied their stances, shields out to catch an oncoming charge. I was to make the initial strike, utilizing my range. I stepped forward, and with a gesture of my redwood staff, I sent a spear of ice sailing through the void. There was a sickening crunch as it struck something hard.

  Jumping out of the way as we had planned, I narrowly avoided another death. The brood-mother shot from their nest, enraged at the intrusion. A violent crash reverberated as both Clavius and Thea took the charge head-on. The force and momentum of this overgrown lizard pushed both back.

  Finally, the movement stalled, and the creature paused in confusion. In that delay, I sent another round of icy spears directly at the drakes’ side. Splintering ice shattered on the monster’s hardened scales, the impact tossing the creature sideways. Thea followed up my blow by rushing in, slamming an armored fist into that very same side.

  The brood-mother screeched and scrambled to get up. A violent whip of its tail clipped Thea, that small action strong enough to send her stumbling. Clavius replaced Thea on the frontline, shield in hand. He pushed the creature back, keeping it off balance. His sword strikes were fast and true, but the scaly armor of the beast rebounded the blade with little effort.

  I sent another spear of ice, but the drake had learned its lesson. It dodged with serpentine grace, turning its’ attention onto me. The beast was fast, faster than I had anticipated. Not even a second had passed before it was upon me. Abandoning the spell I was casting; I instead ran for the nearest barrier. Unfortunately, the creature was far too close.

  I threw my arms in front of me to block some of the incoming blow. The drakes’ claws tore my arms to ribbons, and the force sent me hurtling away. Again, the creature was on me in a moment. This time, it was stopped by Clavius.

  The pain was searing, and I could feel myself weakening with every heartbeat. I pulled a red potion from my bag and drank as swiftly as I was able. The healing tonic worked in record time, and my arms were nearly restored by the time Cy rejoined the fight.

  With his reappearance, it was time for this to wrap up. I pulled the yellow and green potions from my pouch and added them to my stomach. The taste was vile, a combination of copper and aged cheese. Not a combination I wanted to experience.

  With the brood mother distracted, I raced towards the entrance to its den. My enhanced speed had me moving as swiftly as the wind, so much so I nearly overshot my target. I dug my heels into the ground to slow myself, holding both arms out to maintain my balance.

  Turning, I brought my staff high, aimed towards the brood-mother. I launched another series of ice spears, the frozen lances shooting forth in graceful lines. Once again, I had the undivided attention of the brood-mother.

  When the creature realized where I was standing, it flew into a blind rage. The creature spun in a violent circle, knocking the rest of the party away. It rushed towards me faster than even my speed-enhanced sight could comprehend. This wasn’t a problem for me, however.

  This had all gone according to plan.

  The moment the brood-mothers attention had locked on me, I had started jumping to the side. A rush of air followed the creature, as it shot straight past me and into its’ den. The whole cavern shook as it crashed into the far wall.

  Without hesitation, I drew up my staff one final time. The spell I cast carried the weight of our parties’ fortune, of our hard work. The others had rushed behind me, but I paid them no heed. A quick flourish of my staff, and a fireball arced forward.

  Many things happened at once then. Clavius pulled me back by my collar, nearly tearing it clean off. Thea cast a barrier around us and helped Clavius pull me in. Cy dropped to the ground, covering his ear and closing his eyes.

  A massive explosion tore through the cavern, the vibrations so violent I was afraid the cave system might collapse. The brightness of the explosion blinded me, and again our barrier shattered. That sound brought back memories for me. Memories of our first encounter in this dungeon, the first fireball I sent, the plate I threw.

  Our party was pushed back by the force of the explosion, sent flying together once again. It was minutes before I could find the strength to move. I searched my pack, blinded both by the explosion and the resulting absolute darkness. After tasting a few different bottles, I finally found a healing potion.

  Once my senses were cleared and my body was no longer in shambles, I shouted for a party check. A few seconds passed before I got a groggy reply from the rest of my team. I helped myself to my feet and went to check on them.

  Cy was the best off, mostly just shell-shocked. Thea was in a bad state, and I helped them find a healing potion for themselves. Clavius was the worst off, having sustained damage from both the boss and the explosion. A healing potion wasn’t enough to bring him around, and Thea had to do some hefty healing before he roused.

  Once we were all finally awake and mobile again, we went to assess the carnage. One thing you can say about the brood-mother was that it was absurdly tough. Even with the force of that blast, the creature was still in mostly one piece. We worried at first it might not be dead.

  Those worries went away when a system prompt appeared. We had completed the quest and slayed the brood-mother. All that was left to do was to gather poof of the creatures’ demise and bring that back to the city.

  We had done it.

  We had conquered the dungeon.

  The return to the city was a long process, our bodies and minds tired from the exertion. Thea had the dubious honor of carrying our spoils, given her preposterous strength. Not a single word was said, but none needed to be.

  We turned in our “proof” at the guild hall, accepting both generous pay and praise for our efforts. Even other adventurers commented, exalting our triumphant return. As our day came to an end, we settled in at a tavern. Our moods were high, but our exhaustion overtook any possible celebration.

  We ordered food and tucked into a delicious feast. Clavius, however, was uncharacteristically passive. Normally, he would have been laughing and joking, eating impossibly large mouthfuls of whatever was in front of him. Instead, he was quiet, merely moving the food with his spoon.

  “I think we should celebrate” he finally said, startling everyone. Thea was the first to respond, asking what he meant.

  “My family used to go out and get food to celebrate big achievements. I think we should do the same. Not just in Conatus. I think we should meet up and celebrate in real life.” He explained.

  There was silence at the table, everyone digesting the suggestion. For my part, I had never considered meeting up in the real world. Things felt so real in Conatus, that I never thought to bother. There was something about it though, the thought of truly meeting and celebrating. Eating real food together sounded… nice.

  “I think I would like that,” I said, breaking the silence. Both Cy and Thea also agreed, and Clavius beamed. We quickly discussed details and set a date, and our night finally drew to a close.

  We would be meeting in real life to celebrate, and I couldn’t be more excited.

  2267-12-18

  Tonight is our first real-life meet-up. It feels like waiting for today has been the work of a lifetime. The excitement in my chest is bleeding through into every action. My bags are packed, and the shuttle should be here soon. I truly cannot wait.

  I wanted to say thank you. While likely pointless, like my previous apologies to the inanimate, it would feel wrong to leave it unsaid.

  When I began writing here, I had no idea why I was doing it. I didn’t know how to start, and I truly felt there was no valid reason for it. Looking back, I see echoes of my frustration clearly. The things I have gone through, the moments big and small all collected in one place. It is in my looking back that I see how I’ve changed.

  I wanted to be like Clavius, to be open and engaged. I wanted to face struggle and hardship like Thea, with a smile on my face. I can’t say I am perfectly there, but like Cy, I have changed. Now I can see the image of the person I want to be.

  That is also why I wanted to say goodbye. Since my last entry, I have been debating this mentally. This was a tool that helped me through a rough place in my life, and it worked. I am not “cured” by any means, but I am on that road. My steps are my own, and I look forward to the days ahead of me.

  Maybe I will write here in the future, but for now, I want to take and experience life as it is. I don’t want to keep living in recollections. I don’t want to be tied to a screen.

  It is my life, and I have decided to put this away for now. I am proud of that.

  I am proud of myself.

  Tonight, my party and I will eat real food in a real restaurant. We will talk, be truly full, and truly together. This feels like a turning point for me, and I hope to embrace it with everything in me.

  I wonder if I can order some stew.