Half Mind and Half Void

  The journey through the caves was much more tortuous than expected. Although the holes in the ground were not large enough for the ship to fall through, they were not solid ground either. What at first appeared to be a solid cave gave way to a far more intimidating chamber in both size and depth, revealing that what we had just walked over was merely the ceiling - and beneath our feet lay a drop that stretched for miles. It felt like returning to the Atlantis I once knew, with its void precipice all around.

  With each step deeper into the vast caverns, traces of ruins could be seen in the distance - cities and temples carved into the cave walls, now abandoned and forgotten by all. Sunlight no longer reached this forsaken place; the only things that kept it from falling into complete darkness and emptiness were the bioluminescent plants and crystals that had found refuge here in this strange, godless biblical structure.

  The lack of natural light also created a peculiar problem: there was no way to tell the passage of time. Everything looked the same at any given moment. Day and night no longer existed in this ecosystem. I myself hadn't realized how much time had passed until, after walking for a while, our group came upon a camp that had been set up earlier by the explorers. The Marines were already organizing the perimeter. Even though we had only been walking for a few hours, we decided to rest here - after all, we had started our exploration after noon.

  After a quick meal, Stella went off to speak with several of her subordinates - apparently about how to organize the group as the path ahead became more difficult to navigate. Voranoa, seeing that the journey would not continue until morning, decided to separate from the others and hide in a shallow cave nearby. She withdrew into herself, burying her woman's body beneath meters of her snake's tail.

  Tamamo, on the other hand, after hearing the update, walked a bit further into a clear area and changed her appearance. Where a beautiful girl of divine beauty had stood moments before, a giant beast appeared after a huge puff of smoke: a fox several meters tall, with fangs longer than a sword and a terrifying bite. Nine huge tails sprouted from her body, each moving at a demonic and terrifying speed. Her gaze was stern and piercing - an unparalleled predator, a true monster from a nightmare, a living example of the divine power humans so feared. It was one of those rare moments when I saw my wife in her true form - the kitsune goddess of legend, the one everyone feared.

  Instead, Maria approached her and gently stroked one of her paws. My sister was fascinated by the transformation and couldn't resist pulling out her phone to take a picture. Tamamo responded by lowering her head so my sister could get a better angle of her grandeur in the photograph-a sweet image of my sister waving at the camera next to a muzzle that could have swallowed her whole in a second. But we all knew Tamamo wasn't a threat at all; she had simply done it to protect us, scaring off nearby predators with her intimidating animal presence. After all, who would approach a camp guarded by a giant nine-tailed fox goddess? One of her roars alone was enough to make the cave rumble, yet she trusted my family enough to be treated as naturally as before by those she knew.

  My sister didn't hesitate to grab several of her tails and pull them close to Tamamo's head so she could lie down with her. Lisa didn't hesitate to do the same, and even Tifa, the tiny fairy, came out for the first time that day - just to lie down next to the others on the improvised bed of tails.

  I, on the other hand, lay next to her head, the closest to her even in this non-human form. Despite her size, she rested a little, but always remained alert to her surroundings. She never fell asleep completely because she wanted to make sure everyone else could rest. A few hours later, Tamamo moved her head to attract my attention without waking the others. Her eyes and muzzle pointed to the cave where the lamia slept. I knew what she meant - it was the perfect moment to talk to the other. So, after caressing the giant fox's face, I took a lantern and cautiously entered the cave.

  Inside, I found a long coil of curled flesh. It was a bit deeper than the last time I saw it. It seemed that she had seen Tamamo at some point and was trying to find a little more safety in the depths of the cave. Just like the words she had spoken before, the place was cold and dark - you could feel the loneliness and sadness just by looking at it from a distance. The place was obviously so cold that a real snake would've had trouble with it, but luckily, the Lamia was warm-blooded, which made the environment she used as a refuge just barely bearable. Barely.

  I put the flashlight on the ground and walked a little further until I sat down next to her.

  I wanted to talk to her - the other one.

  "Stop hiding so much."

  "Come on, get up, Lucy."

  "Obey your master."

  As if in response to my words, the Lamia twisted in a strange way, shifting slightly in place. Then, from between the coils of her serpentine tail, the girl I wanted to talk to finally appeared - her face a reflection of melancholy and sorrow. She used her hands to awkwardly move her tail, trying to get out of her improvised bed made of her own body. But halfway through she gave up and just looked at me. She stood still, saying nothing, waiting for me to start the conversation she clearly didn't want to start.

  "........."

  "Ugh, fine, let's start... there's no other way."

  "......."

  "Look, this situation is complicated, and I know you're not at your best right now."

  "But even so, I wanted to talk to you for a moment."

  "The thing is... well..."

  "I know it must be hard to be you right now."

  "I know no one sees you as a real person, since you're not even something that's supposed to exist... but I still want to talk to you."

  I probably started the conversation in the worst possible way, but at least it was a beginning - a way to get the ball rolling. The girl, now half-snake in her nun's dress, looked at me with sadness. Still curled up, but trying to raise her voice a little, she replied.

  "In my memories, I went through painful times - the pain of my wounds, the battles, the loss of my sister... it all hurts a lot."

  "But it hurts even more to know that I'm not real," she said quietly.

  "'Those same memories of my training as a mage, the prayers at dawn... they all turned out to be lies. I have no real family, no real dreams of my own - just echoes of what I wish I could have been, and even those are false. My own dreams were lies created by someone else."

  "I know I'm not real."

  "Not my pain, not my laughter, not even my faith."

  "It was all born of Henry Lecarde's magic - a farce to bring me closer to you. But at some point... I felt that my tears were real. And even then it was all false."

  "My life, my whole life and my memories... they were only three weeks long."

  "It was nothing more than an empty echo in a body that wasn't mine."

  "I'm afraid of ceasing to exist... because for me there is no death, only absolute oblivion, I'll just fade away and maybe I won't even realize it."

  "I am a mistake that should never have existed. I'm nothing more than a disease wasting space in Voranoa."

  "I'm just a second personality in the mind of a Lamia. I'm not even the main one. She exists. I don't."

  "I don't even know how to use this snake body."

  "I don't should even have the right to use the word 'I' because that would actually be Voranoa, so..."

  "Lucy, stop. Please."

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  "Sorry to interrupt, but I had to."

  "Just give yourself a moment. Take it slow. Give yourself a minute before you speak again."

  "Believe me, it will help a little."

  "I know how hard all this must be for you - I never doubted that for a second."

  "I just want you to know that I'm here, listening."

  She paused for a moment, just as I'd suggested. I picked up the lamp and brought it closer to her so I could see her face better - now covered in tears. The girl who didn't exist gathered a little more strength to continue.

  "No... I don't deserve anything... I don't know how much longer I can keep up this farce.

  "I'm afraid of disappearing, of fading away without even dying - because death is for living beings, for creatures who were born in the first place. That's not for me."

  "How can someone die who never was? And yet I'm an obstacle to Voranoa... Her body hates me, sees me as a disease in her mind."

  "I am a burden in this mind. Soon... Voranoa will fully awaken and my light will go out.""

  "One day only she will exist, and I will never awaken again - as it should have been from the beginning."

  "I will simply be erased. Non-existence...that's what I am."

  "I am an obstacle in Voronoa's soul."

  "Every time I resurface, I force her to split, to carry my broken pieces."

  "It would be better to sink into the deepest depths and never return." Her voice broke into a deep sob.

  I stood up and walked over to her to hug her. I didn't quite understand why, but it was clear that she needed it. Then I said the only words I thought might save her.

  "But I want you to exist."

  I could feel her body completely freeze after hearing that. She didn't know what to do, nor did her mind. She looked into my eyes, trying to understand why I had said such a thing, as if even she couldn't believe that someone would say that to her. It was the moment to act, even if it sounded awkward, even if it sounded corny, even if it sounded stupid out loud. I had to do it - had to go on the offensive so I wouldn't lose her to her own thoughts.

  "Yes, I know you're fake. Yes, I know you don't truly exist."

  "Yes, I know you're afraid of disappearing, of being neither alive nor dead."

  "Yes, I know that your existence is terrifying - undeniably a true tragedy."

  "Yes, the fact that you're even here is in itself a sin against life."

  "........"

  "And none of that matters to me. I want you to keep being here."

  "You're not a burden to me. For me you exist.

  "Even when you came to me with false intentions and false memories you couldn't even understand yourself..."

  "And I'll tell you why."

  "Because at the most critical moment, at the moment of truth, I saw the real Lucy."

  "That moment during the fight against Dracula, when this Lucy looked up and discovered that her life was a fiction. I saw your pain as you realized that your family, your dreams... were just shadows."

  "How your world and your existence collapsed under the infinite weight of the hardest sorrow imaginable."

  "And how, at that very moment, I witnessed a true soul of fire, the bravest act on the battlefield."

  "When, in the midst of your own pain, your own tears, your own tragedy, you chose to put it all aside to continue to fight the enemy of humanity: Dracula."

  "You put saving others before yourself. For just five minutes, I saw the real Lucy."

  "The one who existed. The one I wanted."

  "Maybe you're not 'real' the way you want to be. But to me, you are."

  "I want you to stay. I will give you a real place. A real home."

  The girl, still awkward in her body, looked into my eyes, confused. Just as she didn't know how to answer, I didn't know how to continue. I had said what I wanted, in the most direct way possible... or maybe not. Maybe it wasn't enough. So I just kept going, a little more.

  "I want you by my side, with the others you haven't met yet.

  "I believe you'll be a good wife, just like them, because you've already shown me the most important thing."

  "You don't exist... and yet I love you."

  "Please stay by my side, as my wife."

  "Please exist, even if it's only for me."

  "To be your wife?"

  "Do you know what that means? That includes Voronoa... ......"

  "........."

  ".........."

  "Alright... I'll stay if you promise to stay with her too," she replied simply.

  Her shyness became more apparent as she lowered her face, crossing her arms over her chest as if to make herself even smaller. But there was a quiet determination in those glassy eyes.

  "But... I ask only one thing: treat me as what I am."

  "Something that doesn't exist, just a secondary personality of Voronoa," she added with a strange sadness at her own request, knowing how much this confession hurt her.

  "Treat me as the one who doesn't exist, because that's all I really am. I don't deserve to be treated differently."

  "If you choose to love me, do so always knowing exactly what I am - nothing."

  Her voice was fragile, like ice cracking under the weight of a lie. I nodded, but before I could answer, the serpentine body before me trembled, her eyes shifting with emotion - Voranoa had taken control.

  "I... hear... another voice... Not me..."

  "Everything... nothing..."

  "Suffocating. Devoured. Dream... words not mine."

  "Head, strange, two voices, Not Me, I sleep."

  "Other voice better for pack, Not Me. I not pack, I head not pack."

  "Other voice weak, near death, pack protect weak."

  "Protect Not Me."

  "I sleep, Not Me awake, Not Me asleep, I awake."

  "I don't know how to exist with two voices, one body."

  "Voranoa... Lucy... are, sleep in cave, pack."

  "Not Me lost, not pack. Voranoa, only animal, only instinct."

  "Need Not Me, Not Me with pack. Voronoa safe in pack."

  "Voranoa not angry with Not-Me...."

  Voranoa blinked slowly, her feline pupils dilating in the dim light of my lamp. Her words - broken, raw, like those of an animal barely able to comprehend its own mind - echoed through the frozen cave.

  I moved slowly backwards, avoiding any sudden movements, giving her the vital space that creatures like her demanded and respected. I knew Voronoa was no enemy, but her serpentine instincts were always alert, always ready to defend against what she couldn't understand.

  "Voranoa..." I whispered, reaching a hand to her face, which flinched slightly before allowing contact.

  "Listen, I don't need you to understand everything right now."

  "I just want you to know this: Lucy is a part of you, and you are a part of her. I'm not going to choose one over the other. I will protect you both. You're both part of my pack."

  "I will protect Lucy...and you too. You are both important. You both... are mine."

  She tilted her head, like a beast accepting an ancient pact, before sinking back into her lethargy. I let her rest, knowing that the conversation with Lucy had exhausted both the personality and the body they shared.

  "Voranoa... not pack... but pack protects weak," the snake said as it recoiled.

  "Yes," I nodded, holding her gaze.

  "And you, Voranoa, I will protect you even from yourself if I have to."

  "Rest, tomorrow we will continue."

  When I left the cave, the contrast to the outside was immediate. Tamamo, still in her nine-tailed fox form, was a beacon of light in the darkness. Her fur glowed with a golden radiance that turned the stalactites amber, and though her size remained imposing, there was a calmness in her demeanor. María, Lisa and Tifa were still nestled between her tails, sleeping like children in the lap of a benevolent monster.

  Tamamo turned her head toward me, her blue eyes shining with a wisdom that transcended human. I approached her, feeling the warmth radiating from her body, a vital contrast to the cold of the depths.

  "Thank you," I murmured, settling down to sleep beside her.

  "For watching over them."

  A deep purr, more tiger than fox, rumbled in her chest. One of her tails slid toward me, wrapping me in a soft-furred embrace of ancient strength. There was no need for words; her language was one of gesture: the tail pulling me close, an entire tail of the goddess just for me, to be used as a simple blanket while her body became my bed.

  "You're always doing stupid, crazy things."

  "Always trying to help the forgotten, the suffering."

  "........"

  "But if you want these poor girls in your pack, who am I to deny my husband's will?"

  "I'm also glad you decided to take them in, love them, and care for them as you did for me," Tamamo murmured, her voice a deep echo that seemed to rise from the ground itself.

  "But now it is time to sleep, Goshujin-sama."

  "Do not worry, I will keep watch. You will sleep in safety and peace."

  "You will need strength for what lies ahead."

  "Thank you, Tamamo."

  And following the advice of my personal goddess, I lay down to rest, knowing that I was safe with Tamamo by my side. She was home, even when we weren't within the walls of our house. The fact that we all slept next to her only confirmed what we all already knew. Tamamo answered with a low hum, almost like a lullaby, that made the crystal walls vibrate. No more words were needed. In the darkness of the caves, under the watch of a goddess who roared against the shadows, the camp fell asleep.

  When it was time to wake, it wasn't the sunlight that woke me, but the hurried words of Tifa, the gentle fairy who had somehow accepted to be my wife. She tried to wake me by pressing on my cheeks, despite her small body.

  "Come on, get up!"

  "We're in trouble!"

  "Well, not exactly, but it's still serious!"

  "You won't believe what Stella's party found!"

  "It's the Fairy Kingdom! It's nearby!"

  "We have to go! Remember? You promised me!"