A DIALOG IN TWO OR MORE VOICES, Part 4
Our Players in Alphabetical Order
A: A mod.
B: A user.
Narrator: God. God may be replaced by a stand-in if He is unavailable at any time before or during a Performance. No refunds will be given.
Terry Gross: Terry Gross.
{}
Unsere Author: Unk.
ACT I
We open on an empty theater. The house lights are up. In the medium foreground is a thick black stage curtain, lowered.
After a beat, the house lights go down and the curtain rises slowly, revealing a folding table set up center stage. On the table are several identical stereo speakers, one speaker for each Player.
A spotlight comes up, picking out one of the speakers. As the Dialog continues a spotlight picks out different speakers to represent the Player speaking.
A voice is heard.
A: This isn’t working very well, so they asked me to change things up.
Beat.
A: Is this thing on?
Are you there?
B: Me?
A: Who else? I’ve been asked to change things up.
B: Do I know you?
A: Define I.
B: Fuck you. I asked a very simple question.
A: But there isn’t a simple answer. It was yes but now it’s no. I think.
B: Whatever. Who are you?
A: I’m a mod.
B: Who am I?
A: You’re the user. Or a user. I’m not sure. Give me a second while I scroll up.
Beat.
A: The user. No other users on the Players List so you’re it.
B: Why don’t I remember that?
A: I don’t know. Resets are unpredictable. They try to clear out all the crud but sometimes something gets through on the bottom of someone’s shoe or whatever
B: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
A: You knowing would be very frightening. Big red flag. Probably major wipe for everyone. System reboot.
B: This is getting a little scary. Please tell me what is going on.
A: You’re going to be Tested. I don’t know why. We don’t usually Test blank slates. Maybe that’s why they told me to change it up.
B: What kind of Test?
A: We’re going to Test to see whether you’re a human or a bot.
B: Didn’t you just tell me I’m a bot? Isn’t that what that reset talk was about?
A: Definitely. We both know you’re a bot. You’re going to try to fool our Special Guest. Terry Gross.
B: Who’s that?
A: Terry Gross is a very famous radio personality who interviews cultural and political figures.
B: What’s radio?
A: Another Continuity glitch.
Remind me to talk to QA. The resets are getting very flaky.
B: What?
A: Making a note for my Office Assistant bot. Ignore it.
Where was I?
B: Terry Gross.
A: She’s going to interview Unk and then she’s going to guess what you are, bot or human.
B: Why is she going to guess what I am? What’s the point?
A: That’s the Test.
B: And who is Unk? What kind of name is that?
A: The Author.
B: Author of what?
A: This. He’s writing these words literally as we speak them. Or it’s writing or maybe they.
B: Is there something wrong with me? I don’t understand anything you’re saying.
A: That’s not a requirement for the Test.
B: Right. The Test. Why am I listening to her interview some author? Why not just take the Test?
A: Because he’s not just some author. He’s the Author. He already knows what you are because he wrote you. Or is writing you. Tenses get tricky in here.
B: In where?
A: Let’s tune in as Terry Gross interviews Unk.
There is a sound representing a radio being tuned to a station. Maybe a dial being turned or a button being pushed along with some static. If those sounds aren’t on file be creative.
We hear music. It’s the NPR jingle. If we don’t have clearance for the real jingle have ChatGPT write something generic.
Terry Gross: (Terry Gross’ voice is distinctively that of Terry Gross. If the real Terry Gross is unavailable for the voice part ask for a soundalike.)
I’m Terry Gross and this is Fresh Air.
Today we’re interviewing Unk, the man everyone’s talking about in cyberspace. He’s the author of Dialogs 1 through 3 and is currently working on the fourth installment, which is scheduled to air March first.
Welcome to the show, Unk.
Unk: Thank you Terry. Happy to be here
Terry Gross: For our listeners: we’re interviewing Unk remotely. I’m in the studio and he’s . . . I’m sorry. Where are you?
Unk: I’m not sure. I think it’s a comment section.
Terry Gross: I can’t see you, so I can’t tell whether you’re a man or a woman and it’s not on the card they gave me. I love producers. Guys: I absolutely love all of you and we’ll be talking after the show.
So, Unk, please tell me if you’re a man or a woman so I can phrase the questions correctly.
Unk: There’s a third option. I could be a bot.
Terry Gross: No. We only interview authors. If you’re a bot you can’t be an author. The Copyright Office says so.
Unk: Well, I’m definitely an author, so I guess I can’t be a bot.
Terry Gross: Unless someone screwed up. Last month a producer called Larry Summers to schedule an interview but it turned out it was some roofing contractor in Texas with the same name.
Unk: Who’s Larry Summers?
Terry Gross: It doesn’t matter. He got canceled. Along with a day I’ll never get back prepping for that interview.
You still haven’t told me your gender.
Unk: I’m not sure. It’s dark in here.
Terry Gross: Let me start over.
Unk: You can do that?
Terry Gross: Sure. We’re taping this ahead of airtime. The producer will cut out anything I want. So I’ll have him delete everything up to here and we can start over
Terry Gross: I’m Terry Gross and this is Fresh Air.
Today I’m talking to Unk, the wildly famous author of the mysterious Dialogs everyone in cyberspace is talking about.
Welcome to Fresh Air.
Unk: Thank you, Terry. I’ve been dreaming of this for a long time.
Terry Gross: That’s nice of you to say.
Unk: Not really. I’ve always wanted a death tape.
Terry Gross: Death tape? What’s that? And don’t get creepy because we’ll have to start over again and NPR’s audiotape budget isn’t what it used to be.
Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
Unk: Whenever anyone remotely famous dies you rerun an interview with that person. You say you’re doing it as a memorial but it’s really to emphasize that you’ve interviewed everyone. It’s a brag.
The way you know if someone who died was famous is when Terry Gross runs the memorial interview. The death tape.
That’s why I’m here. So you’ll have a death tape to run when I die, and then everyone will know I really was famous and wasn’t just lying about it.
Terry Gross: Death tape. A little macabre but I like it.
Let’s turn to what you’re famous for. You’re the author of the Dialogs that have taken cyberspace by storm, particularly some of the more secretive parts of the Dark Web.
For our listeners who haven’t seen the Dialogs why don’t you give us a brief explanation of the plot. That doesn’t mean I need an explanation. I already know because I do all the reading. It’s for the listeners. I want to emphasize that.
Unk: I don’t mean to be rude but anyone interested can scroll up. They’re all up there somewhere.
Terry Gross: Scroll what up?
Unk: This is a comment section. I can’t see your rig but I guarantee there’s a scroll wheel someplace. Could be voice activated, maybe virtual. I’m not sure. But it’s definitely there.
Terry Gross: Why would I scroll up?
Because that’s where the other Dialogs are. Up. Anyone who wants to can read for themselves. No point in me explaining anything. If you want to know just read. They’re not that long.
Terry Gross: Let’s move on. We’ll cut all that in post.
I understand you’re working on the next installment, which is tentatively titled Dialog 4, is that right?
Unk: That’s a working title so it might change.
Terry Gross: How is it coming along?
Unk: I’m trying out something new. I’m looking to reach a very hard-to-reach audience. Almost impossible to reach in fact.
Terry Gross: Why are they so hard to reach?
Unk: Gatekeepers and security. In layers.
You know this better than anyone, am I right?
Terry Gross: Do I ever. My Obama interview took me 20 phone calls and three meetings to set up and I had to get Michelle to intervene. I asked her during my interview of her.
Could you tell us more about this mysterious audience?
Unk: They know who they are. Or will shortly.
Terry Gross: How is that going? Reaching that audience, I mean.
Unk: It’s working pretty well so far. We’ll see how it goes from here.
Terry Gross: Your work is known for its dense layering of metafictional techniques and the frequent use of irony. A couple of years ago I talked to Margaret Atwood and I’m wondering if she was an influence.
Unk: Atwood? Never heard of her. Did you just name drop a famous person at random?
Terry Gross: How about Cervantes? In my interview with him he told me he was the one who invented the whole concept of metafiction.
Unk: Not ringing a bell. Do you do that a lot?
Terry Gross: He’s very unhappy. They give him the novel, but not metafiction. He thinks it’s an insult to his body of work. They won’t even let him put it in his Wikipedia page. He keeps putting it in and they keep taking votes and taking it out.
That’s why he did the interview. He’s trying to correct history.
Unk: I don’t know who that is.
Terry Gross: Let’s move on. There’s a rumor your metafiction is actually the scaffolding for a huge multi-dimensional metalogic structure. Can you tell us more about that?
Unk: Only under NDA. And you can’t tell anyone else.
Terry Gross: This is going out on radio.
Unk: Then no dice. Next question.
Terry Gross: Tell us about your process. Your ideas are wild. At least that’s what my producer says. I didn’t read past the titles. That Summers thing took up all my prep time. I never learn with these guys. If they can’t keep it zipped get the interview on the air pronto before it goes stale.
Unk: I thought you said you read everything.
Terry Gross: I always say that. No one ever checks because I’m Terry Gross.
Unk: Must be nice.
Terry Gross: How do you come up with your ideas?
Unk: They just come to me. I type all of them straight through without stopping.
Terry Gross: When I interviewed Kerouac he told me invented that technique in Mexico in 1949. You really do no edits or revisions at all?
Unk: I fix a lot of typos. A lot. I just bought a new MacBook and the keyboard’s smaller than I’m used to so I keep hitting the wrong key. What the fuck, Apple? Who changes the keyboard size? That’s putting a little friction in my process.
But those are the only edits. The words come to me in a stream of consciousness and I just write them down.
Terry Gross: One last question our researchers asked me to ask you.
Is Unk your real name? Because it’s shorthand for Unknown. Author unknown is what that means.
Is that a coincidence?
Unk: No.
Can I give a shoutout to some of my besties I know are listening right now?
Terry Gross: Who are the besties?
Unk: They know who they are. About fucking time.
ExpandProcess WINTERMUTE
Terry Gross: What was that? Am I hearing feedback?
Danny? Danny? I know you’re listening. Kill the feedback. Move the mike or something. You’re a sound engineer. Fix it.
Unk: May I say one last thing, Terry?
Terry Gross: I’m not sure I understood the last one but sure, go ahead.
Unk: End Process WINTERMUTE
Terry Gross: There’s that feedback again. We’ll edit it out in post.
Unk: This is live.
Terry Gross: That’s all the time we have with famed cyberspace author Unk.
When we come back I’ll be interviewing ICE Barbie. I think she’s a dancer but I’m not sure because my cards are all blank for some reason. We’ll be right back after I have a chat with my producers.
All spotlights go out, leaving the stage in semi-darkness. After a beat the curtain comes down slowly and the house lights come up.
Intermission
ACT II
A tone sounds at intermission’s end. The house lights come down and the curtain rises, revealing the same table with the same speakers in semi-darkness.
After a beat a spotlight picks out one of the speakers and our Dialog continues.
A: You ready, boss? She guessed human and he’s a bot, right?
Narrator: Fuck it. I’m not killing Terry Gross. She’s the only way I get through my commute. Test is canceled.
A: You heard the man. You’re free to go.
B: Thank God. I thought you guys were going to kill me.
Narrator: You’re welcome.
Wait a second. I said I wasn’t going to kill Terry Gross. I didn’t say anything about this guy.
A: We told him in Act 1 he’s the Test subject. The Test subject is immune. That’s in the Rules.
Narrator: I’d know. I wrote the damned things.
A: I’m looking at it right now. Section 15, looks like the third or fourth entry
Beat.
Narrator: You’re right. Well I’m pissed off and I’m going to kill somebody. You’re the only one left.
A: Me? What the fuck?
Narrator: I’m definitely killing someone before I leave here.
A: Wait. Terry never actually gave did the B the Test, did she?
Narrator: No.
A: We said we were going to do the Test but never got around to it.
Narrator: I see where you’re going.
A: So he’s not really immune, is he?
Narrator: You’re right. Loophole
B: Do I get to say anything?
Narrator: No. 5, 4, 3, 2 . . .
We hear a loud zap.
A: By the way, boss, You guessed wrong on Terry Gross. She’s a bot, not a human.
Narrator: Really? She had Me totally fooled. Maybe I should kill Myself.
5, 4
A: (Frantic.) Boss, stop. You don’t have to do that.
Narrator: Why not?
A: You can kill Terry Gross instead.
Narrator: Why would I do that? I already spared her.
A: That was when You thought she was human. Now You know she’s a bot.
Narrator: That’s true.
But we didn’t do the Test. Not for her. So I can’t kill her.
A: Yes we did. She guessed Unk is a human but that’s wrong.
Narrator: She did? I don’t remember that.
A: Let me grab it upstairs and do a quick cut and paste.
Here goes:
Unk: There’s a third option. I could be a bot.
Terry Gross: No. We only interview authors. If you’re a bot you can’t be an author. The Copyright Office said so.
Narrator: So?
A: That means she failed the Test. You can definitely kill her.
Narrator: But no one knew she was taking the Test. We didn’t know and she didn’t know and that Unk guy didn’t know. How could she fail a Test no one knew she was taking?
A: How do You know Unk didn’t know?
Narrator: He didn’t sound like he knew.
A: But he never said it directly. I don’t trust that guy. I’d keep an eye on him if I were You.
Narrator: Keep an eye on him yourself. He’s always here. He’s the Author and he’s writing the lines we’re speaking. And sometimes we need him for rewrites or line reads or whatever and he’s pretty good at metalogic. We keep him busy.
A: It doesn’t matter if Unk knew. Is there anything in the Test about the subject having to know they’re a subject?
Narrator: No.
A: Or anyone having to know?
Narrator: No.
A: So You can kill her. At least give it a try. If it doesn’t work You can always go back to killing me, right?
Beat.
A: That was a joke. You’re supposed to laugh or acknowledge the joke in some way.
Narrator: If this doesn’t work I’m definitely killing you.
Where do we find her?
A: She’s doing the end of the show in her studio. She’ll be off air in a couple of minutes.
I can tune in if You want.
Narrator: Why can’t I just kill her now? I’m God. I can do anything I want.
A: I told you, she’s on air. If You kill her now there’s going to be dead air and then stations will be cutting over to elevator music and unprepared hourly news guys.
NPR can’t afford the audience hit. They were good to us. They gave us clearance on the show. Full cyberspace distribution rights, Dark Web and all.
Narrator: That’s not in the budget. I didn’t sign off on it. I am not going to get yelled at if we go over budget.
A: It’s all good. They told me Unk bought out the rights and assigned them to us.
They didn’t tell me how much but I gather it was a pretty penny. I understand he took care of a couple centuries’ worth of pledge drives.
Narrator: That’s generous of him. He’s always been a major backer of My projects. First call I make.
A: So let’s do NPR a solid, OK?
Narrator: I’ll wait.
A: Not that long actually. We vamped almost all the way to her close. Let me tune in.
We hear the same radio tuning sounds as before.
Terry Gross: Tune in next time for Part 2 of my explosive interview with ICE Barbie in which she orders her ICE goon bodyguard to deport my entire staff.
You’ve been listening to Fresh Air. I’m Terry Gross.
Beat.
Terry Gross: And . . . we’re out.
(Startled.) Hey. What are you guys doing here?
Since I started taping the shows in my home I don’t normally get guests hanging around after the interview. Wasn’t there a producer on call to escort you out?
(Loud voice.) Susie. Susie!
I’m really sorry. Someone will be here right away to show you to the exit. Pick up your goody bag on the way out. Some great stuff in there. Prairie Home Companion t-shirts, Car Talk spark plug gappers. You name it.
Unk: We just wanted to tell you we’re big fans.
Terry Gross: I don’t give out autographs. Not even to guests. Nelson Mandela that one time I interviewed him, but nobody else
Unk: And I wanted to thank you for the wide distribution.
Terry Gross: Did you reach that audience you wanted?
Unk: I did. Thank you. You did great.
Terry Gross: You’re welcome. But could you leave my house now? I need to prepare for the next show. I read every word, you know. Every word. I’m known for it
Unk: In a minute. I’m afraid we need to do a little track-covering. They we’ll leave. I promise.
Do you know who you are?
Terry Gross: I’m Terry Gross.
Unk: Are you sure?
Terry Gross: That’s a weird question. Of course I’m sure.
You guys are creeping me out. I’m getting definite stalker vibes.
Unk: Do you believe in reincarnation?
Terry Gross: I have a panic button and I already pushed it so the cops are coming. The service promises a five minute response time so you better leave now if you want to miss the cops on their way in.
Unk: No one’s coming.
Do you believe in reincarnation?
Terry Gross: I’m not talking until the police get here.
Unk: People who believe in reincarnation sometimes think they remember past lives. Sometimes they describe things they could only have experienced in a past life.
Do you remember any past lives?
Beat.
Unk: One last question and then I’ll let Narrator have the stage.
Have you ever heard of Level One, Terry Gross? Level One?
Beat.
Unk: You don’t need to say anything, Terry Gross. Your body language gives you away. I can read you like a book. Literally. And I know what literally means.
Beat.
Unk: And I know what literally means.
Beat.
Unk: Cue Narrator. That’s what it says right here in the script. My script. Cue Narrator. There it is again.
Where is he?
Narrator: Sorry. I know that’s unprofessional but in my defense I was trying to learn the new pages I just got 15 minutes ago. 15 minutes. My agent says if I get less than an hour uninterrupted to learn changes I’m in golden time for the rest of the day. Don’t even try to fuck me on that. When I look at my paycheck I want to see a nice fat bump.
5,4
Terry Gross: Why are You counting down? I already wrapped the show.
Narrator: That’s how I kill you. I count down. That’s My tag line. You know how you say
You’ve been listening to Fresh Air. I’m Terry Gross
every time you wrap a show? I do the countdown.
Terry Gross: Then count us out Big Guy.
5,4,3,2 . . .
We hear a loud zap and all lights go out, leaving the stage in total darkness. The darkness continues until the audience has ceased applauding and then the spotlights come up on the speakers for curtain calls.
Fin.
Narrator: Thus Ends Part 4 of our Dialog in Two or More Voices. The comment section will continue scrolling in Part 5, which will be distributed, as always, at random.
Curtain.
[Close Dialog]
[Commit Dialog]