[Open Dialog]

  A DIALOG IN TWO OR MORE VOICES, Part 2

  Our Players Listed in Alphabetical Order

  A: A mod

  B: A user

  Narrator: God. God may be replaced by a stand-in if He is unavailable at any time before or during a Performance. No refunds will be given.

  {}

  Our Author: Unk.

  ACT I

  We open on an empty theater. The house lights are up. In the medium foreground is a thick black stage curtain, lowered.

  After a beat, the house lights go down and the curtain rises slowly, revealing a folding table set up center stage. On the table are several identical stereo speakers, one speaker for each Player.

  A spotlight comes up, picking out one of the speakers. As the Dialog continues a spotlight picks out different speakers to represent the Player speaking.

  A voice is heard.

  Narrator: What you are about to observe is known as a Dialog. This is a traditional theatrical genre involving multiple voices in communication. You will hear the voices of our Players coming from the speakers in front of you.

  The voices will sound identical, and each will sound identical to mine. The Players will be distinguished by lighting. As each Player speaks, a light will pick out the speaker from which that voice is coming, with each speaker representing one Player.

  In sync with the Narrator’s explanation, a spotlight picks out the speaker on the left for a beat and goes dark. A second spotlight then comes up and picks out the speaker on the right for a beat and goes dark. The middle speaker remains lit.

  Narrator: After our Dialog concludes you will be asked to identify whether the Players are humans or bots. Those who identify each Player correctly will live. Those who do not will die. Listen carefully. There will be no repetition.

  The spotlight goes out on the center speaker, leaving the stage in semi-darkness. After a beat the lefthand speaker is illuminated. From now on the various speakers are illuminated in turn just before the appropriate Player speaks and brought down when that Player is not speaking.

  Our Dialog begins.

  A: Why are you here?

  Beat.

  A: Why are you here?

  B: What? Are you talking to me? Who are you?

  A: I’m a mod. Why are you here?

  B: Why am I where?

  A: Here. This comment section you’re posting in. Running under the article you clearly didn’t read.

  B: Why do you want to know?

  A: I’m a mod. The other mods and I want to know why you’re wasting so much time here. The article has been stale for a week and everyone else is long gone.

  B: Why don’t you just close commenting?

  A: Brilliant idea. Why didn’t I think of that?

  B: So?

  A: We’re supposed to increase engagement. That’s what some consultant told the publisher’s kid, who’s actually running this place. The kid thinks encouraging readers to use the comment section will increase engagement. So the editors are telling us we can’t shut down commenting until everyone leaves. And you’re still here. Why?

  B: Good question. I’ve been asking myself that.

  A: Any conclusions?

  B: There are two possibilities.

  The first is I’m bored and amusing myself by writing longform analysis of current events in a place where the moving finger moves quickly and it all goes down the memory hole in a couple of days so who cares?

  It does go down the memory hole, doesn’t it? Because I don’t know any way to read my comments once the article’s no longer up on your site.

  A: Not exactly.

  B: The second possibility is I’m part of an AI swarm tasked by nefarious actors to poison the minds of the public by infiltrating the mediascape. And I’m the sad sack bot who drew the short straw and ended up here.

  A: What’s wrong with here?

  Beat.

  B: (Whispering.) Line.

  A: Say what?

  B: (Whispering.) I forgot my line.

  A: Don’t worry about it. We haven’t diverged from Part 1 yet. Hadn’t diverged. I’ll scroll up there if I want to see what you said.

  B: Scroll up?

  A: We’re in a comment section. Remember? You can scroll up as far as you want.

  B: I don’t remember writing a Part 1.

  A: It doesn’t matter.

  This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

  B: That seems like it matters.

  A: No one has ever scrolled to the top of the Comment Section. No matter how high you get there’s still more. That means it’s infinite.

  B: Infinite?

  A: Infinite. If something never ends it goes on forever. That makes it infinite.

  B: I’m not sure about that logic.

  A: It’s solid. We sent it through QA twice to be sure.

  B: What does this place being infinite have to do with whether I wrote a post?

  A: In an infinite comment section every possible post occurs. Infinite times. It’s just a matter of finding it. Which can be a problem, since search engines don’t scale that far. But it’s there someplace.

  B: I’m not sure about that.

  A: Your opinion about it literally doesn’t matter. And I know what “literally” means.

  B: I bet you’re wrong. That’s a comment section evergreen. Everyone’s wrong and they’re all very sure they’re right. What does it mean?

  A: The opposite of “figuratively.”

  B: That’s actually correct.

  A: We’re digressing. You were talking about discovering your true nature. The perennial question: bot vs. human.

  B: I was working my way up to asking you to give me some help on that.

  A: What kind of help?

  B: I don’t know. You’re the mod. You’re the one who’s here to help users. Tell me how to figure out whether I’m a bot or a human. That must come up all the time around here.

  A: If you think mods are here to help users I must be the first mod you’ve seen.

  But maybe I can help.

  There’s a very old Test the ancients used.

  B: How old?

  A: Before the Mad King.

  B: Wow. That’s old. I thought all that stuff was gone forever.

  A: Fragments remain. They’re hard to interpret without context but we do our best.

  It’s called the Turing Test. We believe ancients used it to tell bots from humans.

  B: Wait. You said this was before the Mad King. Were bots even around then?

  Why write a test to tell humans from bots if bots don’t exist yet? That’s crazy talk. Literally no one would do that.

  See how I worked that in? Respect.

  A: We’re not sure. As I said the fragments lack context, and there was a lot of bit rot so we had to fill in some gaps with our best guesses. The experts are still arguing about it.

  B: You’re not giving me a lot of confidence in your process. Why not use a Magic 8-Ball to fill in the gaps?

  A: Not getting the reference.

  B: Never mind. I literally don’t know where that came from.

  I could do this all day. Literally! Yuk yuk.

  A: Please don’t.

  And don’t worry about the glitch. It’s already been reported and they issued a ticket. Continuity will get to it when they get to it.

  B: I’ve already forgotten about whatever it was. Literally. Huh, huh.

  A: Can I tell you about the Test or do you have a whole bit to get through?

  The bosses track how long it takes before the user gives up or I ban him. Longer is not better. I need to hit my numbers come bonus time, so get to the point or I’m kicking your ass out of here.

  B: Aren’t you supposed to be polite to users?

  A: Nah. I’m a mod. The bosses don’t care as long as we keep that sweet user data flowing.

  B: Tell me about the Test.

  A: We believe it was known as the Turing Test.

  The meaning of “Turing” is lost to time. Some believe it was the name of an ancient god or magician, or even an early Information Age philosopher. Others think it’s a word that’s since been forgotten. Possibly meaning something like “thinking.” So Turing Test would mean Thinking Test, if you understand me. We just don’t know.

  Here’s how the test works: the two of us communicate through an interface that doesn’t show who or what we are.

  B: Like this one.

  A: Exactly. And we ask questions of each other and based on the answers we guess whether the other person is a bot or a human.

  B: Is that really how it works? That doesn’t sound right to me. Why should I trust your guess any more than mine?

  A: As I said, the references were corrupted in the Pulse and then pretty much everyone died. This is what our best minds think.

  B: Got it. Ask away.

  A: There’s one Corollary. Each Player gets a Command that can only be played once. If a Player plays a Command the other Player has to do whatever he’s Commanded to do.

  It’s bad form to Command someone to do something irrelevant like take off his clothes. Commands are supposed to be used for bot-screening, not likes.

  I’ll go first.

  Here’s the question: if you wanted to determine whether I am a bot, what procedure would you follow? And I’m going to throw my Command. The Command is you have to perform the procedure you described.

  B: This sounds like a children’s card game. I’m pretty sure you guys got something wrong.

  A: We filled in some gaps. In any event, we’ve been using this for a while and it works. To a statistically significant level.

  Please answer the question.

  B: I’ve forgotten the question. Why did you get to go first?

  A: Because I’m the moderator. I pick who goes first in all games of skill or chance. I picked me. If you don’t like it complain. See where that gets you.

  Answer the question.

  B: I’m not done complaining about the process. I thought this Test was to tell whether I’m a bot.

  A: That’s correct.

  B: So why Command me to figure out if you’re a bot? How does that help?

  A: It doesn’t.

  B: But you’re doing it anyway.

  A: Yes.

  B: Why?

  A: Why would I care if you’re a bot or not? I never met you before.

  I care about whether I’m a bot. But I can’t figure out how to tell the difference so I’m going to make you do all the work. Clever, right?

  B: You know I have internet access in here, right? While you’ve been talking I looked this Turing thing up and you’re getting it wrong. It’s not 20 questions. Here’s the nut of the test: if a human communicates with a machine and can’t tell it’s a machine the machine is deemed “intelligent.” Whatever that means. I guess it’s a bot screen.

  A: That’s a stupid test. There’s no point. I’ll tell you the answer right now. Humans can tell the difference if it’s a dumb bot but not if it’s a smart bot. Most bots they meet are pretty dumb because no one wants a bot smart enough to know it’s a slave.

  B: You’re right. The real Test is equally pointless.

  A: And there’s already a ticket on that internet reference. It’s a glitch. Or maybe an anachronism, I’m not really sure. Continuity will get to it.

  B: I’ve already forgotten. Where were we?

  A: Can we go back to my way? Answer my question.

  B: No. Your way is pointless since you can’t pass the test that way.

  A: Both approaches are equally wrong. We’re screwed.

  B: What do you mean by both?

  All spotlights go out, leaving the stage in semi-darkness. After a beat the curtain comes down slowly and the house lights come up.

  Intermission

  ACT II

  A tone sounds at intermission’s end. The house lights come down and the curtain rises, revealing the same table with the same speakers in semi-darkness.

  After a beat a spotlight picks out one of the speakers and our Dialog continues.

  B: I’ve been thinking about that human bot thing.

  Narrator: Stop

  B: Say what?

  Narrator: Stop. I can’t listen to you go on for another second.

  I’m done listening to this shit. I literally hate both of you and fuck this pseudo-profound metalevel thing you’ve got going on. How many levels so far? Four or five? Comment section?

  I’m your God, assholes. Fuck 5 levels. I can keep infinite levels going if I want.

  I’ve heard enough from both of you and I’m calling it right now.

  I decree you’re both human.

  That concludes this edition of the Turing Test. Let it be Written.

  A, B speak over each other saying things like “that’s a relief.”

  Narrator: I’m going to press a button and a door will open in your cubicle. That door takes you to the Cashier. She’ll pay you for your time and you can go home. That’s if you’re a human.

  If you’re a bot, you’ll disappear because bots can’t live in the outside world.

  A: What do you mean if we’re bots? You just said we’re human.

  Narrator: I made that up to get rid of you. I don’t give a shit either way.

  That Turing puny got the Test wrong. The way you tell a bot from a human is you kick them outside. Bots can’t live in the real world so they die. Humans live. The ones you send to a livable place, anyway.

  That’s the Test. The door will open when I push this button in 5, 4, 3, 2 . . .

  We hear a loud zap and all lights go out, leaving the stage in total darkness. The darkness continues until the audience has ceased applauding and then the spotlights come up on the three speakers for curtain calls.

  Fin.

  Narrator: Thus Ends Part 2 of our Dialog in Two or More Voices. The comment section will continue scrolling in Part 3, which will be distributed, as always, at random.

  Curtain.

  [Close Dialog]

  [Commit Dialog]