I'm so sick.

  I don't know what's wrong. I can't stop thinking about it, about my heart and my stomach, about my profession, about math and science that has always comforted me so, about everything else that helps distract my unfocused mind, or focuses my distracted mind… I can hardly breathe. My breaths are rapid and shallow, struggled and hollow, painful and brief.

  I'm in so much pain.

  I can hardly think, no, I can't stop. I need to stop, to seek help. I can't move though. I'm paralyzed in my bed, my sanctuary, my temple of thought tainted by this pain. I want to move, but I can't. I need to move, to rock, to sway, to comfort, to distract, but I can't. I'm frozen, in fear, in pain, in sickness… in this horrendous, all encompassing poison that fills me so…

  I think I'm dying.

  My usually strong body feels as though it's filled with crud. My usually soft bed is now solid, with hard pins and needles, so hot they burn my skin. Perhaps my skin is what's truly hot. The heat captured by the thick fabric has nowhere to go so it stays there, underneath me, trapped in the sodden sheets, soaked with my sweat, and burned from my skin. My desecrated, swollen skin filled with pain, simply pain, and nothing more…

  I can't hear.

  Or maybe I can. I can only hear one thing, though. A single sound banging endlessly, rhythmically, and furiously, echoing off of my skull, and disrupting my thoughts. It distorts my vision, twisting it, bending it, and pulling it away from me. This awful, evil melody of agony, corrupting my mind. This throbbing, sloshing, pulsating pain, propagating and spreading freely, through my already noisy mind. The Sound of Pain… the Beat of Death… the Call of the Void… sounds out infinitely…

  I can't see.

  My usually sharp vision, heightened by my condition, is now dull and fading, blurry and hazy. Everything that was once so clear and pristine is now foggy through my tears, or is it dry eyes? I don't know. I can't even feel them. I can't feel anything except pain. All of my senses are weakening and crumbling before me. My greatest features, my life itself, that which built me into what I am, fading…

  No. I can smell something.

  Only one thing though; myself. The sickly, toxic fumes of my diseased form are so overwhelming and that I can't smell anything else. It's enough to make me vomit, wait, I think I already have. It's stuck in my throat, unmoving, and because I can't move, not even enough to turn my head to clear my airway, there it stays. Blocking life, blocking air, sitting, stagnant and foul… killing me…

  I can't breathe.

  I'm choking silently, alone in my room filled with this thick fog from my mind's eye, and the toxic fumes of my life's end. I'm going to die, this is it for me. After all my accomplishments and achievements. My brilliant, beautiful, math obsessed mind will be lost from this world. Such a shame. I had so much more I wanted to do. My Theory of Everything was nearly complete. The changes I could have made. The advancements that could've come for it. The lives I could've saved from my work. All of it gone, dying as I, lost forever…

  I can't focus.

  My mind, a Maze whose halls have long been studied by me, meticulously, for so many years, is now darkening. The floors I've walked till my feet have bled are now crumbling and decaying. The twists and turns of the Maze that always surprised me, despite my constant wandering, are all now shrinking, and fading, drifting from my view, away. The Endless Maze of my mind, once bright and beautiful, is now being drowned in a thick darkness.

  I'm dying. I, for some reason I can't explain though, welcome it, graciously.

  As I fade I want my precious theorems and hypotheses to be the last thing on my mind. My amazing mind, the one I thought was a curse when it would never quiet, the one that starved me when I was too distracted, too lost in thought to eat or drink. The one that isolated me from everyone and filled me with loneliness, only to then hyperfocus on that lonely feeling, forever more. I was so wrong about it. I spent so long trying to fight it, to be normal as they say, when instead, I should have tried guiding it, leashing it in a way, allowing it to pull me forward to the great heights I've longed for, wished for, for so long, for so many years… now I can’t, so, into the depths I go.

  It's coming. I'm fading, no, I'm falling!

  Even with my senses dulled I can feel myself falling, phasing through my bed, somehow, sinking into the unknown, slipping into Death's permanent loving embrace. As I begin my eternal slumber next to Death, locked in its arms, I try once more to use that messy mind of mine to see the world for what it is. One last time I try to project the sharp and clear images of my mind's eye into my reality, like a screen of thought floating aloft, in the world I see. Everything is still so dark and blurry, but it's becoming more clear. My theories, my explanations, my internal experiments and explorations of this random and messy reality; all of it slowly takes form as it always has but slower this time, of course. I haven't lost you… I'm so grateful.

  Wait, something is different, something feels off. It… it seems as though I'm projecting myself as well. Yes, it appears as though I am emerging from my own body. My spirit, or soul perhaps, is leaving, but it can't be, I don't believe in such things. Not for lack of trying, but lack of evidence. There are no experiments that can be done on the non-physical, it is after all, not physically present to test in the first place. This must be something else, it has to be something else. What is it? What is happening to me?

  I try to move my decrepit body, or soul I guess…

  Thi… this can't be happening… it worked… I'm turning. I'm somehow able to turn my head and body away from a faint light above my floating form. I can now see… the infinite tunnel… the purest black that the faint light is shyly peering into from behind me.

  Is this purgatory, this dark Hall of Death I'm falling through? It feels so lonely, more lonely than I've ever felt despite my extensive experience. Although, despite, or rather, in spite of that cold loneliness, I can still feel the warm and all encompassing grip of Death itself. In all this numbing darkness I can neither see nor truly feel the world around me, or even my own body, a body being gripped and dragged by something. Sickly black tendrils wrap around me as I fall, but somehow I knew they were there before they gripped me, body and soul. I can “feel” them in a different way, a new way that I'm somehow already accustomed to, notwithstanding their foreign, alien nature.

  Oh no. Why am I crying? What are these things?

  I'm so thoroughly filled with an unshakable, omnipresent feeling of existential dread. It's filling my very core and spilling out around me only… only to re-enter elsewhere, back inside my ever falling form, into my void, my heart. It's the tendrils… or more like silken bands of pure oozing darkness. Its roots are digging into me, as I fall, its fear-inducing threads bury deep into me. They're crawling, and clawing into my body… no that's not right… I… I don't have one of those anymore. My soul. They're buried into my soul, while relentlessly digging deeper. Across my hands, or where those worn hands used to be, across my heart, or whatever is still beating with a fury that can't be quelled, across my brain, or what lies inside my empty shell, still thinking, always thinking. They keep creeping in, working their way across and into every part of me. No part of my entire being is left out or ignored, by this horrifying yet somehow pleasant grip of Death's infinite, inescapable Hand.

  What's happening? I need to find out, I need to know what this is. Is it dangerous? Well I'm already dead, I think, so I shouldn't be afraid of such things anymore. My mind has yet to catch up.

  I am dead.

  I have to be. What else could this possibly be? At the same time though, I can't be dead, for I have thoughts. If one can contemplate life or death, then one must be on the side of life, not death. Why does that feel wrong though, or incomplete maybe?

  I continue to turn my new spirit form, if that's what I am now, to see what's below me, or, beside me, I can't tell as I have no sense of direction anymore. I continue turning anyway, towards the area once behind me to where I believe my corporeal form is, or was, upon my death. Wait. I can't see it. I can't see anything. In this tunnel, this well of pitch black darkness I only see more darkness. It's more pure, more absolute, more devoid of light than anything I've ever experienced. It makes the surrounding black void seem as bright as the sun bright by comparison, blindingly bright to the point it hurts. I focus on the infinite dark, now comforting and soothing to my overly sensitive eyes, and I see movement.

  How?

  In the void the dark is ever flowing, always churning, slowly, as if it's alive and conscious, and responding to my presence.

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  That must be it, that must be where the inky black bands of Death are coming from. That's where the cords of fear are latching on to me from, and pulling down like anchors. What is that? Is that supposed to be Hell? It can't be, it's neither hot nor bright from eternal flames. It's cold and empty, or rather, it seems empty because it's so dark, and that darkness is so dense. It's like I'm falling into a black hole where no light can escape, and no life can enter. I am entering though, and life is certainly there waiting.

  Wait. It’s… it's getting closer… rapidly.

  I start panicking, of course I would, I don't want to go there, no one would want that. It feels so absolutely terrifying, I try to swing my limbs to no avail, I try to swim away in the void but fail. I can move them but nothing happens, I'm still falling towards that horrible veil. I try turning back instead, back to the dim light that shines so pale.

  No. NO! I can't find it, it's not there anymore!

  Am I looking in the right place?

  I can't tell anymore, I don't know where I'm looking or where I was looking in the first place. No matter how hard or how frantic I search I can't find it. Even my heightened senses which once made dim lights seem blinding, and soft sounds seem deafening, are now useless. It's not there anymore. It's gone. I've lost.

  I'm being pulled in, gripped even harder, clawed even sharper, dragged even faster down.

  I can't escape. It's over. It's taking me…

  Bang!

  I… I crashed to the floor, to the bottom of the seeming endless well of darkness. I'm still so afraid that I can't move, so I stay put instead, analyzing my surroundings, to see that everything looks different. The tendrils are gone, after all the fear they filled me with they're just gone. The blackened walls of the endless tunnel are now gray, and they seem to end, or maybe that's an optical illusion. There seems to be a black ceiling on the walls, but the walls also seem to go on forever. It's so disorienting, so confusing that it took me a while to realize the same is true in the direction of my head and feet, across the floor on either side of me.

  I'm in a tunnel, a corridor of some elaborate labyrinth of an optically confusing structure. The walls to my right and left are the only things that look real. Maybe I can use them as a guide to traverse this confusing place.

  I try sitting up, barely managing to. I feel so sluggish, so empty, and so tired, so… dead. I guess death is exhausting. I pull together what little strength and energy I have left, and slowly pull myself into a crouched position and begin standing up.

  I just barely made it up by using the wall to steady myself. In doing so I noticed a few strange things. I can't see my own hand on the wall despite the gray otherworldly shine emanating from the stone, or whatever it's made of. I strained myself while standing up because of how exhausted I am, so I started panting and gasping for breath, but I don't hear or feel my breath sounds at all, in fact, I sense nothing. Not my breath, not my hand resting on the wall or the wall itself. None of my actions are making any sound, and almost nothing I touch has any substance. What's more confusing though, is what I do feel; the floor; not the wall, not even my own heart.

  I don't have a heartbeat? Do I have a heart? Is this death?

  I'm making the motion, the action to breathe but it feels like nothing is happening. I'm gripping my chest with my other hand… there's nothing. Maybe that's why I can't catch my breath, there's nothing with which I could catch it, nothing to pull and push my blood, that is no longer there. Something is off though, it almost feels like I don't need to breathe. No air to fill my lungs, no lungs to fill with air, and no heart to pull blood through my lungs.

  This is so strange.

  Fine then, I won't breathe, I'll continue on anyway. I need to find someone to help me, or an exit, or some way to flee this horrific place and fix what happened to me.

  What happened to me, actually? I'm not truly dead, or non-existent, but instead I'm a living, uh… not breathing, thing that can still think. I can still contemplate my own existence. I can still wander as I wonder if this is purgatory, or hell, or divine punishment for crimes unknown. Will this fearful place be my new, eternal, life?

  Is this life at all?

  I shake away the thought and start moving forward with a disheveled gait and silent shuffle. I'm moving slowly in this empty hall towards an endless abyss. I feel the minutes ticking by with no end in sight. My mind wanders as I do, jumping from thought to thought, from theory to theory as it usually does. It's as though each neuron and neural pathway has a will of its own, constantly pulling my thoughts to and fro, through the Endless Maze of my shattered and scattered mind.

  I'm so thankful. I haven't lost it. I haven't lost my mind… I think… I hope.

  Wander I shall then, mind and body, minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day it seems until I see something. A glint, or glimmer of what must be another wall. I speed up as much as I can, which isn't much at all, and sluggishly lumber my way towards the end.

  My empty, formless mound of nothing, slides through the intangible hall.

  No. I… I don't know what to think about this.

  This isn't the end of the hall, just one segment that turns right, and towards another empty abyss. What is this place? Where does this section lead to… another turn? Probably. There must be a way out somewhere, there must be an exit, there must be someone here, if there's any people that exist in this infinite realm of darkness, at all.

  I keep going down this new path until I reach another turn, this time left. I shuffle, silently, down that way as well, turn right, keep going, then right again, then straight, then left.

  Oh no! This must be purgatory! It's not an endless void with no escape, but an Endless Maze. How poetic, I think, for this prison to be a mockery of my bright and beautiful mind.

  Must I march forever, through a maze with no end?

  A maze that once felt alien and creepy, now somehow, feels familiar. It feels like I know this place. Am I walking in circles? Perhaps it's because I've wandered through for so long, it only feels like I've been here before, no, like I've always been here. It feels so strange and yet it also feels like a home I've been longing for my whole life. A place I've needed this whole time, like a manifestation of my entire existence. Like a soul of my own, external to me, that my real soul rests comfortably inside of, embraced in pure safety.

  What a beautiful feeling. Am I crying again? I don't know, I still can't feel anything except comfort and serenity.

  I… I'm so sorry for calling this a mockery. How does it feel so… homely?

  That comfort though, is also unnerving, as I continue wandering the endless corridors tirelessly, never losing energy but never gaining any either. I keep going until I finally hear something, the first thing I've heard in this strange place, that sounds like heavily muffled voices growling in the distance. It sounds terrifying but it's the only thing I can and have heard in this entire maze, so I slowly move towards the source of the sound. Down one hall, left down another, straight, down one more, until I see something.

  Is that it?

  Something is glimmering on the wall to my right, down a hundred feet or so. I slowly, cautiously approach it, without knowing what it is, but hoping it's an exit from this awful yet awfully comforting place. I finally reach it, a rectangular shape on the wall, glowing in a white light that pierces the dark, and glimmering, making a ringing sound with the muffled voices behind it.

  I can't make out what they're saying, I don't even think they're speaking English, but I hear two distinct voices. The door though, if you can call it that, has no hinges or handle, and no gap between it and the wall. It looks solid, but also fluid and viscous, laying flat across the wall like a puddle of pure white ink on a wall of grey turned darkness.

  Tentatively, I reach out to tap the glowing mass and send small ripples throughout it. It must be a fluid of some kind but it's up on a wall, defying physics. No, not necessarily. It could be a ferrofluid, but, where is the magnet?

  I shouldn't be questioning that though, nothing about this place seems natural or physically possible. Everything here is nonphysical, I think, even myself…I… I just noticed I can see my hand and arm. I can finally see what this strange form looks like… and I'm filled with dread once again. I look to be nothing more than an amorphous blob of darkness wrapped in silken bands of even purer darkness. Like a mummy of shadows with no clear or defined form other than its vague humanoid shape.

  What… am I? What happened to me? What is this place? Where do I go… through the door?

  I'm so confused, but my desperation to leave exceeds that, so I shakily reach through the shining veil on the wall, slowly. Just as I do, my fingers turn a sickly green, and I try to pull away.

  No! I can't pull my hand out! I'm stuck!

  Not just that, but my wrist and arm are slowly sinking into this thing, all while turning green. I brace myself against the wall, and try to force my hand out, but nothing happens. I'm still sinking. I can't get out. I'm up to my shoulders and one leg. Both of them are green, and the veil is still pulling me. The floor, the only thing I can feel, now seems frictionless.

  Stop! I don't want to leave!

  Useless! My struggles are useless!

  The veil keeps pulling me through until all of me is green, as I'm dragged the rest of the way in and swallowed by it, out of the darkness that swallowed me previously, out of the Endless Maze.

  I lost again! I don't know what's happening, but I have no control.

  Everything goes dark again, not as dark as it was but more encompassing. There are no lights, no gray areas for reference, just darkness. This time though, the darkness is warm and wet, instead of empty and impalpable. I'm now surrounded by a warm, embracing fluid, while still unable to breathe. The voices haven't changed either, they're still there, still muffled, still inhuman and growling.

  Where am I now? Wherever it is I'm at, I now feel more alive than I did before. I can feel my own heartbeat… and… someone else's. What!? It's coming from above my head! It's coming from the same direction as one of the voices.

  Wait. I think I know what this is, but it can't be true, it just can't be. I'm inside of someone, and with each movement they make, I feel myself being jostled around. Am I in someone's stomach, or womb? I don't know, but I'm somewhere in their abdomen.

  I'm stricken with fear again, and start to fight and move around, but nothing works. Afterwards though, I hear and feel a few repeating thumps directly in front of me, while the growling voices soften. It's so scary… but also comforting in a way, a weird inexplicable way.

  What should I do? Should I try to flee again? No, that won't work.

  I'll have to stay here in this dark place with no exit, in this apparent womb of my new temporary home, in darkness. Like the darkness I was just in, except, this time I don't feel lonely. The strong, steady heartbeat above my head is so calming. I think I might just fall asleep to it, to that beautiful, breathtaking tone. It's so powerful. It kills me so… effectively.

  This tone, this melody… it's… it's so lovely and relaxing… and motherly…