Chaz ran out, laughing. Harmony stepped inside. She saw Lex and I crying, Kara dry-heaving into the sink.

  "So... are we cooked?"

  I wiped my face and tried to calm myself. "Yeah, we're cooked."

  Harmony clicked her tongue. "Figures."

  Kara stuck her mouth under the faucet, washed it out, and stood up. "So, what now?"

  "Are you gonna be okay?" I asked.

  She shrugged, wiping her mouth. "I'll live. I've had bad days before, I think I can manage this one."

  "Gimme that tape if you're done with it," Harmony said. "We set up another TV in the party room."

  I hit rewind. "Sure, just... don't show it to everyone at once. This might make people lose it. Okay?"

  "Sure, I'll be careful."

  I handed it over and watched Harmony hustle out. I was pretty sure I understood what Dandy meant now. People were going to freak out when they saw this... or worse. We had to be careful with this.

  But I wasn't going to be responsible for that, so now it was Harmony's problem.

  Chaz returned, putting his shirt back on. "Sorry about that."

  "It's fine." I patted Lex's back. "We were brought here, we can get sent back, right? Let's... give it a try, I guess."

  Lex nodded silently and took a deep breath. "...Okay."

  Khan cautiously reappeared. Our OddBotz had gone silent, probably unsure if we wanted to hear from them right now.

  "William," Khan said. "Are you able to watch more videos? The more information you absorb, the better."

  "...I think we got time. Anyone else?"

  Chaz shrugged. "I'm game."

  "Sure," Kara said, offering Lex a tissue. "Lex?"

  Lex blew her nose. "... That was rough, but I'll be fine. Let's keep going."

  We tried Stats and You next. Malcolm talked about the stats we were assigned when we came here, and how the Zettamall's technology would allow us to raise those stats past human limits.

  Well, mostly he talked about secondary stats.

  "These statistics can be broken down further into hundreds of smaller statistics, each representing a small facet of the human mind and body. We call these secondary statistics. You've probably seen a few of them already." Words began scrolling up the screen. "Secondary stats include: Acting. Adaptation. Addiction. Altruism. Ambition. Anger. Argument Expertise. Artistic Vision. Awakening..."

  The video was fourteen minutes long. This list was fucking five of them.

  "...Zeal. Zeitgeist Sense. Zen. Zest! Zirconia Bone Contamination. Zootechny. And more! Your bodies have already been integrated into the System, which means we can make adjustments to these statistics using our patented Technology?..."

  Diagrams featuring Voyager golden record-style drawings of people appeared as Malcolm talked about how it all worked as vaguely as possible. I found another spoon and finished my bowl.

  "... and with the right stats, you can survive anything in the Zettamall! Isn't that right, Phillip?"

  Phillip gave the screen a thumbs-up. "Wow! Without Bone Density, I would have destroyed my pelvis!"

  "But what are the right stats? If you're feeling overwhelmed, why not try the ZETTAMALL? OptimiZetta Service?"

  The video pivoted into an ad pitch and upbeat music with the swiftness of a YouTuber. "OptimiZetta makes choosing your stats easy! For only 99 Funbucks a month, we'll help you create a build and..."

  "Wait," I said. "Are stats just a scam?"

  "...you can try OptimiZetta Free Edition today by opening your ZETTAMALL? app and selecting Offers in the menu!"

  "They're a scam," Chaz agreed.

  Once Malcolm was done pitching to us, we watched some of the Beast Bazaar videos. These ones didn't feature Malcolm; instead the framing device was a young boy named Throckmorton, who had to write a report on the Zettamall but couldn't decide on a subject.

  We started with Beast Bazaar: Shoplins!.

  "Ack! This report is due on Friday, but I can't think of anything! These are terrible ideas! What am I supposed to DO?!" he wailed.

  He spent a full thirty seconds agonizing over the decision as the camera panned over his bedroom, the shoplin models on his desk, his shoplin-shaped bed, and his shoplin friend Squeak eating a burger from Shoplin Burger.

  What finally inspired him was a rock song called Shoplin Your Face Off playing on his boombox, which segued into an animated music video with cartoon shoplins jamming on guitars. The rest of the video was a lesson about shoplins narrated by a cozy British voice over a mix of live footage and claymation skits.

  When Beast Bazaar: Expired opened with a full ninety seconds of Throckmorton moaning about needing an idea for his science project as he and his undead friend Squick rode a subway full of Expired with a cartoon George A. Romero, we began to notice a pattern.

  We managed another four videos (and fifteen minutes of Throckmorton freaking out) before we decided to take a break and check on the others.

  Huge W had gotten... livelier.

  Harmony's party had watched Welcome to the ZETTAMALL?. Once they'd calmed down, she'd started allowing more people to watch it.

  Most viewers had left in shock. Some wandered off to cry and yell in distant corners of the store. Some people were ranting about how it was all bullshit, in the hopes that if they did it for long enough it'd turn out to be true.

  Val's Pals were standing guard outside the party room as another screening played. Mostly they stared at nothing. Baz was hiding themselves in their Plunder Kids puffer jacket.

  "Hey," Val said to the ceiling. Her eyes were puffy.

  "Hey," I said. "So, how was it?"

  "Fucked," she said, finally tilting her head to look at us. "But we'll be fine. Harmony's showing it to more peeps, and we're doin' it slowly so they don't freak out. We already had to tie up a guy who tried to..."

  She slid a hand across her neck, raised it in the air while tilting her head, and made unnecessary choking noises.

  I winced. "That... uh... good job?"

  "I'm glad you found them in time," Kara said. "My uncle accidentally electrocuted himself on a metal toilet, and the kid who found him needed therapy."

  "You, uh, got more tapes you're not using?" Val asked.

  I passed her the tote bag I'd put them in. "Here. The break room's free. Will your group be okay? It's already ten."

  "We're level two already," she said proudly. "Plus Red sold a bunch of our crates at the altar for a good price, so we should be set 'til noon. And watchin' these is great for Joe, turns out."

  "I keep the benefits from any video I watch," Joe signed. "No tape needed."

  "By the way, thanks for lettin' me use this," Val said, passing me the empty box of D-Bran. "Super weird flakes though."

  Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.

  "What was even in that?" Lex asked.

  I checked the box. "It says that legally they don't have to tell us—wait, what the hell?"

  The mascot was gone. The box still had a big cartoon bowl of cereal on the front, but the creature leaning over it had vanished. Only blank space remained.

  Val shrugged. "Don't ask me. It was there when I poured my cereal."

  "This place is so weird," Kara said.

  I shrugged, fed the box to Snakpak, and forgot about it. I had enough to worry about.

  "I was supposed to see Hentai Feet upstairs," I said. "Will you be alright here?"

  "Sorry, what?"

  "I'm going to meet a guy who set his Zettachat username to 'hentai_feet.mp4'," I said, patiently.

  "Oh, right," Val said. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'd rather be down here anyway. Some of the guys in Bullseye are freaks."

  "What do you mean?"

  "They're wearing shorts," Val said. "It's probably easier if you go look for yourself."

  I stopped on Level Three to really appreciate the view through the rooftop windows. I now knew that the "tower" I'd been seeing out there was a literally-astronomically-distant section of the ringworld, a thin line curving away into the sky.

  "Jesus," I muttered.

  Bullseye's central shutter was open now, and the locals were busy. Some were visiting Dandy, others were scavenging useful items from the stores up here. A lot of them were wearing identical pairs of black cargo shorts, their pockets stuffed with useful items.

  Kara nudged him. "Hey, it's your people."

  Chaz looked proud. "C.C. go home..."

  I jumped into Zettachat.

  WillT Today at 9:58 AM

  We're outside, where are you?

  hentai_feet.mp4 Today at 9:58 AM

  Coming!

  Jordan hopped out of the store. He was thin, with large glasses and incredible long curly brown hair. He had a loose flannel shirt, a kilt covered in straps and tactical pouches, and a FINAL/GIRL duffel bag. He looked like an 80s movie hero about to hack into the Pentagon.

  He joined us on the sofas and offered a fistbump. "Hey!"

  "Hi!" Kara said first. "I like your outfit."

  "Thanks," Jordan said. "It's partly loot. I'm wearing it for the bonuses."

  "You wanted to talk about food, right?" I asked. "We can feed everyone, if you're not too picky. Some foods are going faster than others."

  "Someone licked all the jars of crunchy peanut butter so they wouldn't have to share," Kara added.

  "That's fine, I like smooth," Jordan said. "Actually, a bunch of us were thinking of just moving downstairs. There's room, right?"

  "Yeah!" I said. "You don't even need to ask. Just pick a store and move in."

  "Great!" Jordan smiled, then leaned in and lowered his voice. "Just between us, the manager here is pretty weird."

  I glanced around. A few people with cargo shorts seemed to be watching us, but they smiled when I looked at them.

  "Weird how?"

  "I heard Hugh asking his phone if men wipe their butts last night," Kara said. "You gotta beat that."

  "Ever since he got his bot he's been going around telling people he knows what the Zettamall is," Jordan said. "Everyone who goes to listen to him starts wearing those shorts. They have their own little clique now."

  My party and I looked at each other.

  "When did this start?" I asked.

  "Last night," Jordan said. "He called a staff meeting first, and they all came out wearing shorts. They've invited a few other people to the clique since then. They don't help out unless the manager tells them to. It's not the weirdest thing that's happening right now, but I get some bad vibes, you know?"

  "Yeah, that's..." I trailed off. I wasn't sure what to make of that.

  "Creepy as shit," Lex suggested.

  I nodded. "Well, like I said, anyone who wants to go downstairs is welcome to. You don't need permission."

  "Ah, hello!" a new voice called out from the entrance. "Excuse me! are you from Gateway?"

  "Oh, it's the manager," Jordan said quietly.

  The manager was a tall, broad-shouldered man in his thirties, with receding blonde hair and a handsome smile. He looked like God had started chiseling a warrior out of stone and decided to smooth him out into a dad halfway through. He was wearing a Huge W uniform, the store's cheapest sneakers, and long black-and-yellow cargo pants.

  The pants were covered in zippers, pouches with straps, and V designs. The yellow-inlaid side pockets were shaped to look like eyes. The shorts the others were wearing looked like simpler, black-and-grey versions of this one. It was absolutely an OddBot.

  Jordan looked creeped out, so I approached carefully. "We're from Gateway. I'm Will, this is Chaz, Kara, and Lex. I heard you need food?"

  He offered a hand. "Vaughn. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Oh, you were here last night, weren't you?"

  I stood and shook it. Vaughn had a firm, honest handshake, for what that was worth. "Yep, that was us."

  "Well, thank you," he said. "We wanted to send more people, but after seeing what the shoplins did to that Blayden fellow from downstairs we were reluctant to face them again. And my bot's more of a support type."

  I cleared my throat. "I've been meaning to ask..."

  "Oh, this is my bot," he added, gesturing to his crotch. "He's called Hieropant."

  I tried to wave at Vaughn's pelvic area in a normal-seeming way. "Uh, hey, Hieropant."

  Hieropant's side-pockets blinked.

  "He doesn't talk much," Vaughn said.

  Behind us, Kara tried desperately not to laugh. Chaz looked interested.

  "I like the pockets, bro," he said. "Do you get extra storage space or anything?"

  "I wish," Vaughn said. "You can never go wrong with more pocket space."

  Chaz lit up. "That's what I've been saying! You can never be too prepared! Hey, have you found any loot with extra space? I know that's an option."

  "Chaz..." I warned.

  Vaughn grinned enthusiastically. "Not yet, but man! If you ever get a magic bag to spare, let me know. I'll take care of you."

  I decided to put a pin in that conversation. "What do you need, food-wise?"

  Vaughn got down to business. "Most things except milk. There's a café on the other side of the plaza, but we can't run on lattes forever. We need tea, at least."

  I had no reason to refuse. Even if I decided to be an asshole, it wasn't like I could make them starve. "If you can make a list of everything you'd need to be well-fed today, we'll bring it up."

  "You're doing more than enough just offering, man," Vaughn said with a smile. "We'll just send some guys down to pick it up. You can gather it up for us if you prefer to track your inventory."

  He turned to a nearby cargo-wearer. "Gazza, can you check if anyone has dietary requirements?"

  One of the shorts guys leapt to his feet. "On it, sir."

  "And in exchange..." Vaughn rubbed his chin. "Do you want anything? We have a lot of stock we're not really using. We could use the extra space to build defenses."

  Lex looked at us and patted Snakpak. "What do you think? I'll take anything."

  I nodded. I'd had an idea rattling around my head ever since we met Dandy...

  "She's got a backpack with a huge amount of storage space," I said, gesturing to Lex. "We can take anything you want to get rid of. As much as you want."

  Vaughn stared in wonder. "That's a hell of a pocket... you're a very lucky lady."

  "...Thanks?"

  Vaughn focused and offered me another handshake. "Okay. I'm good with that. Can you wait ten minutes? I'll get the list and the stuff right now."

  I shook on it. "Done. You can just add me on Zettachat and send the list there. Actually, we bought some tapes in the Item Shop that explain what the Zettamall is. Want to see?"

  I figured I might as well probe for information while I was here. I didn't expect Vaughn to just tell me what he knew, but...

  "No need," Vaughn said, leaning forward conspiratorially. "The ribbon world, right?"

  Never mind. "Uh, yeah."

  "Hieropant told me," Vaughn continued. "He also says we can live in peace from now on if we survive this."

  "Cool. Who else knows? A guy downstairs tried to off himself when he saw it..."

  "Everyone in the shorts," Vaughn said. "My former staff, mostly. Don't worry, they're chill about it. By the way, you want some shorts?"

  He was holding a pair of black cargo shorts now. When did he...?

  "Hieropant's power is making these," Vaughn said, looking at my face. "I like 'em. They're comfy and easy to wear. Lots of pockets, too. Can't be too prepared, right?"

  "He's enough pockets for me," I said, pointing to Chaz. "You want them, Chaz?"

  Chaz picked them up. "Bro, they have stats. That's sick. Check this out."

  [ A pair of Hieropant's Cargolytes! Bonuses scale with Vaughn Klerk's level.

  Current bonuses: +2 Adaptation, +2 Dodge, +4 Zeal. Additional features currently locked. ]

  "Nice," I said. "Enjoy, man."

  Vaughn beamed. "Great! I gotta go work on our plans, but I'll send people out with what we agreed on, okay?"

  "No worries, man. Good luck."

  Vaughn waved and bustled back inside. The shorts guys nearby seemed to lose interest in us.

  Kara finally let out the laugh she'd been bottling up. "Hieropant?"

  "Hieropant," Jordan said. "He seems cool, it's the shorts guys who act the weirdest."

  "Right," I said, and lowered my voice. "Chaz, don't put those on. We should warn Cosmo and Harmony about these guys too."

  Chaz looked curious. "You would distrust a man with that many pockets?"

  I counted on my fingers. "He didn't help with the raid, he didn't help with Blayden but he knows the guy's name, and he didn't explain what Hieropant actually does or share any of its info with us. It's sketchy."

  "Right?" Jordan said.

  "He seemed nice, though," Kara said.

  "Best manager we've met so far," Chaz agreed.

  I shrugged. Another concern to put in storage for later.

  "We can work with him," I said. "Just, you know. Stay out of his pants."

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