Once we set the traps, I led Chaz and Lex towards the west plaza. We went a little ahead of everyone else to see if we could connect with Buy-Lo.

  The barricade that had stopped us last time was unmanned, and without some belligerent arsehole with a weapon on top it was basically just a speed bump. We didn't want to jump over without a plan, so I used Khan to lift a camera drone over it while we looked at the feed on Chaz's phone.

  "Turn it a little to the right," he said. "And... yep, we got elves!"

  Beyond the barricade, the corridor opened up on the right to make room for Buy-Lo's entrance. The other barricade on the far side had been broken up and its remains shoved towards us, to put the car park exit on the other side.

  A pack of elves was standing outside Buy-Lo. When I first heard "elves" I'd expected tall people with long, pointed ears, and that's basically what I got. What I didn't expect were the costumes.

  All three were dressed in leather, spikes, and blood-stained punk gear, like they'd just been kicked off the set of a Mad Max film for eating the cameraman. The one at the front had a glowing green skull tattooed over his face, a thick metal collar around his neck, and a chainsaw. Beside him, an elf woman in neon-blue war paint and a gas mask scowled at the shutters. Behind them stood a scarred, extremely muscular man with an oversized cybernetic right arm and a miniature radio tower fixed to his shoulders instead of a head.

  The lead elf was pressing a button on his collar. A speaker set into it was blaring out words in a janky voice, like a text-to-speech program. "We just have some questions - tallman! - Why don't you - come out here - and we can - discuss it?"

  [ Excerpt from Beast Bazaar — Radz! ]

  The Radz, or Elves as they once called themselves, are one of Ikana's oldest species. They remember their prehistoric ancestors, who clustered around immense, sacred World Trees in remote parts of the world. Though the trees themselves petrified in a past Ice Age, the elves still lived in the great Spires they left behind.

  Things changed in the Age of Progress, when another species—the tallmen—learned that the elf territories sat atop vast deposits of petroleum.

  This should have been great news. Unfortunately, even though the enlightened tallman empire knew the secrets of private enterprise, the elves cruelly threatened their freedoms by choosing not to drill for it. Fortunately, the wise tallmen knew the solution: simply reduce the number of elven dissidents and children until freedom was achieved.

  By the time the shoplins left Ikana, the elves had already voluntarily ceded three of their thirteen spire-cities to tallmen peacekeeping forces. Tallman thaumonuclear bombs liberated a further six. Four Spires survived, but the arcane energies unleashed by the Last War warped them—and their residents.

  Today, Ikana's Age of Ash belongs to the Radz. Three of the spire-cities are even prime ZETTAMALL? recruitment candidates! Most applications come from Eythendar—the Tree of Terror, which roams Ikana on tank treads in search of tallmen to devour—but the mutant Radz of Barterspire are the strongest on average. Wherever they're from, all Radz on Ikana want the same three things: precious fuels, ska music, and the destruction of all other life forms.

  "Maybe we could take them?" Chaz whispered. "I just opened a couple OddBotz crates. I got some good stuff."

  "I reckon we could," Lex said, albeit uncertainly. "I feel a little sorry for them though..."

  I knew what she was getting at. We'd all seen the tapes. There was clearly a complex geopolitical situation that we didn't know about, but from what I'd learned so far I was pretty sure I would side with the Radz—and they'd clearly been dragged to the Zettamall against their will too, just like us.

  On the other hand...

  "Fuck 'em," I said. "They chose to come here, and they have respawn."

  Lex shrugged and started pulling a ladder out of Snakpak.

  "I'll go first," Chaz said. He vanished as soon as we set the ladder against the barricade.

  I went next, climbing over as quietly as possible to avoid drawing attention. The Radz were still busy shouting at Buy-Lo, and now that I had eyes on them I could see their health bars.

  [ RADZ SKULLBOY, Lvl. 4 ]

  [ RADZ BURNGIRL, Lvl. 4 ]

  [ RADZ WARGHOUL, Lvl. 4 ]

  Each bar had a new icon attached, which expanded into a new window when I focused on it.

  [ Lair Boosted! Enhanced Senses! Enhanced Speed! Free Beer! ]

  "Oh, shit," I muttered, but the Radz were already turning.

  "Wait," the Skullboy said. "I smell a tallman - fuck me dead - there's another one!"

  Warghoul spun around to face me, taking big janky steps like his trousers were claymation. Burngirl raised a hand and conjured a small fireball.

  I tried smiling. "...Hey."

  The fire bolt was launched at my head.

  I jumped off the barricade before I got toasted. Lex hopped to the top of the ladder, dropped a shield, and fired at Burngirl. Warghoul began to charge. Behind them all, Skullboy turned and blocked Chaz's invisible sword strike with his chainsaw.

  "Nice try - dipped shit!" he said. The chainsaw revved on its own.

  I didn't have time to spectate that fight. Warghoul leapt, fist raised. I dodged just in time as his massive steel fist shattered the tiles.

  He was fast, but he turned like my granddad. I activated my skates and zipped towards Burngirl before he could catch up.

  "Pukta!" she cried in Elvish (I assume), and threw another bolt. I zoomed around it and hit her with a shoulder tackle.

  She went down. I could have followed up on that, but Chaz was still in trouble. He was being forced further and further back as Skullboy advanced, swinging his chainsaw—but he seemed a little clumsy, like he was swinging it faster than he was used to. I spun my wheels and launched into him too.

  "Mother - fucker!" He went down. The chainsaw bounced away harmlessly instead of destroying his limbs, but that was good enough for me. Chaz swung for his head.

  I didn't stop. Warghoul was still coming at me, and I had to dodge again. Behind him Burngirl got to her feet, conjured more fire, took a crossbow bolt to the neck, and went down in a spray of blood.

  I circled Warghoul, axe in my hands. I just needed an opening...

  "Bro!" Chaz reached into his pocket, pulled out a card, and flicked it across the floor towards Warghoul.

  A plain brown couch appeared with a pop! under Warghoul's feet. He flipped forward and slammed tower-first into the ground.

  I didn't question it, I just swung. It took a few blows to the back, but it worked.

  [ Yum! ]

  "What was that?" I asked once I'd caught my breath.

  "My new Contrasht stuff!" Chaz picked up the card and pulled a new figure from his pocket. "I got my fourth ninja fruit and this!"

  [ Rare! A Contrasht Popdroid: Sakurambo! Doubles one OddBot stat bonus of your choice. Collect all five Ninja Fruits for a set bonus, if that's your idea of a top priority. ]

  [ A Contrasht Tooncard: Two Peeps and a Seat! Three times per day, toss this card on the ground to turn it into a couch. Unsummon it at will. ]

  I stared at them. The card had a comic panel of two guys sitting on a couch playing video games, and the figure was a stony-faced cherry with a headband and a machete.

  "Is that even Japanese?" I asked.

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

  "Sakuranbo means Cherry, Rambo as in the movie," Chaz said. "I don't know if these puns scan."

  Yuzumaki appeared. "They're not puns, they're our names."

  "Anyway, it's a good figure!" Chaz said. "I boosted Dodge. The glow in the dark one is boosting my Contrasht drops, so it's only a matter of time before I complete the set!"

  "I'm happy for you, man. Thanks for the assist."

  Lex approached us. "So are they in there?"

  I turned to Buy-Lo's entrance shutters. All were closed, one was dented. It wasn't a safe zone. Had these guys never been to the item shop, or had Big Pants screwed them over?

  Well, whatever. The other Radz could notice us any minute, so I just banged on the door.

  "Hey! Anyone in there want to fight some Radz?"

  Someone knocked on the other side a moment later.

  "What's going on out there?" a voice called out.

  "We just took out the Radz outside your store," I said, as loudly as I dared. "Some more of us are coming to fight the rest of them. You can join us if you want."

  "But you can't shoot at us again," Chaz added. "It's weird."

  There was pause, and the shutter slid open.

  A group of survivors were staring at us from behind a barricade of shopping trolleys. Standing in front of them was a stocky, brown-haired man who looked slightly too old to be using hair gel, wearing a Buy-Lo manager's uniform and a blue-furred jacket with built-in grey gloves. A Zettamall special, I assumed. He looked like he was wearing part of a gorilla suit.

  "We had this handled," he said, firmly.

  I looked at the others. They shrugged. I settled for saying:

  "Alright."

  "Just so you know," he said. "Are you the leader?"

  Nope. "That would be Harmony. Or Val. They'll be here in a minute."

  There was a shift in the man's features, a slight turning of the nose which suggested that talking to us was a waste of time.

  "Then I'll speak with them about the details," he said.

  He stared at us. We stared back.

  After a moment he made a sort of "Well?" face, as if we were supposed to be fetching her.

  "Cool," I said, and turned away. "Well, good luck."

  "Creep," Lex muttered once we'd left. "Well, here they come."

  The teens were already scaling the barricade. They gave us a nod and began yanking at it, creating a larger opening for the crowd behind them to pour through. The raid was here.

  "Buy-Lo is in," I said once Harmony stepped through. "I think he wanted us to bring you two to him, but I will give you fifty Funbucks if you don't."

  "Deal," Val said instantly.

  Harmony shrugged. "Sure. We gotta hurry anyway, before they—"

  There was a screech from the far barricade. Some Burnboyz had peeked over the top to see what the noise was.

  "AY, IT'S FUKKEN TALLMEN!" the one with a speaker-collar yelled.

  "Well, they're onto us now!" Lex said, raising her crossbow.

  "Fine with me." I lifted my axe. "Let's clock 'em out."

  Fighting the Radz was rough.

  We thought the Warghouls would be the biggest problem at first. They clearly had no regard for their lives, and they could send people flying with a swing of their arms. Really though, they were basically just drones driving the body of a half-dead elf around like a car. They telegraphed all their attacks, they relied on their bulk to absorb damage, and the radio tower on their necks was a weak point—hit it hard enough and they'd fold like paper.

  The Burnboyz and Burngirlz were the worst. They had survival instincts, they were pretty good at dodging, and instead of barreling at you like a bull in a blindfold they kept their distance and threw fire bolts at you. They weren't lethal, but they hurt like hell.

  The raid surged forward anyway, using simple shields to soak what attacks they could as they spread out into the plaza.

  The bottom level of the west plaza was messed up. The trees and roots had burst straight through the tiles, making the ground rough and uneven. Vines and leaves obscured our vision. Dead people were strung from the branches in chains, the Expired ones mindlessly straining against their bonds.

  The exit was on our left as soon as we stepped into the plaza. Val, Manaia, and some other jacked survivors helped us shove the broken barricade towards the exit to block it before moving ahead. The survivors with bows stayed closer to us.

  Lex pulled a fruit basket out of Snakpak. A few sticky pineapples were hurled ahead of us, where they stuck to the floor and waited for a signal. The rest stayed with us for now. We were ready.

  We did what we could with our ranged weapons while we waited for the real shitshow to start. Ahead of us, multiple squads of Radz were charging into the front line. Orders and screams filled the air.

  "Get that burnboy!"

  "To the left!"

  "I'm hit!"

  "Ppali-ppali!"

  "Val, help!"

  "I'm gonna pull your fuckin' head off, you big—"

  "You don't understand!"

  "Gahh!!" a man screamed as several Expired dropped onto him from the branches above, chains suddenly loosening. They bit into him, but Harmony yanked him from their grasp before they could finish the job and started frying them with her breath.

  I started blasting at the bodies still hanging. "They're traps!"

  The other survivors switched to the Expired too—good news for us, because I was keeping an eye on the darkness beyond the exit the whole time. Any minute now...

  Three Warghoulz charged into the light and hammered through the glass doors. I switched my aim and activated the sticky pineapples.

  BOOM! Two went flying, but the last one pushed through the smoke and fruit chunks and rushed us. Its tower was damaged...

  I tried to stay steady and fired again. This time the tower broke. The Warghoul fell into our barricade and started thrashing wildly, sparking and beeping. It took them a few moments to stop moving.

  Lex readied her crossbow, Chaz his slices. I grabbed a couple of blood oranges and stretched my arm back.

  A pack of Skullboyz wielding pipes and spiked hammers raced in, driving another Warghoul ahead of them.

  "TIME TO DIE - TALLMEN!"

  I threw the oranges, missing the Warghoul but hitting the Skullboyz

  "OH - FUCK!"

  BOOM!

  We didn't have time to shoot the Warghoul. We just leapt aside, Lex grabbing the fruit basket before it got smashed. The Warghoul shattered the barricade and charged straight past us. Chaz didn't move fast enough, and a glancing blow from its arm was enough to send him to the floor.

  "Itai!"

  The Warghoul plunged into our back lines, scattering the archers. A pair of Burngirlz appeared at the exit.

  Lex dropped her shield. "I got it!"

  I nodded gratefully and ran after the Warghoul. I reached out with Khan, grabbed its tower, and pulled myself up onto its back. It bucked and thrashed as I raised my axe...

  This was a terrible idea, actually. I just could not swing a fire axe in one hand while riding an angry cyber-elf with the other. I could keep it distracted long enough for everyone to pump it with arrows though.

  I jumped off as it flopped to its knees, then into the floor. Back to work.

  There wasn't much left though. One Burngirl was down, and the other was disappearing into the darkness.

  Chaz hauled himself to his feet. "I think they're trying another way."

  The ceiling rumbled. The fruit traps upstairs were going off.

  "Vaughn's guys are up there," Lex said. "I guess we trust them now?"

  I just shrugged. "They've been fine so far, I guess."

  I watched the darkness anyway. More battle cries rang out in the distance.

  Just when I started to consider going to see if anyone needed help...

  [ LAIR CLEAR ]

  [ Killing Blow: baaaaaaz

  Most Damage: Harm

  Top Contributions:

  1. Harm and Fryvern

  2. baaaaaaz and Udon Quixote

  3. VVVVVV and Mall Minotaur

  4. TroyTheFirst and Milksnake

  5. GeorgeSidus and Yeti Bourgeoisie ]

  [ Participation Rewards: +20 EXP

  Contribution Bonus: +1 Bronze Lair Crate ]

  [ Trees Aren't That Scary

  Clear an Eythendar Lair.

  Reward: Bronze Radz Crate ]

  baaaaaaz 7:58 PM

  Gottem.

  Chaz nudged me. "Look, bro. It's our boy Troy."

  I just sighed. "Who's George?"

  "The Buy-Lo guy, I think," Chaz said. "Guess he wasn't all talk."

  "Guess not. Now what?"

  We looked back at the car park exit. No further elves were forthcoming.

  "You know..." Chaz began.

  "Don't say it," Lex warned.

  "I'm just saying—"

  "Come on, man. I just want to sleep."

  I grinned. "Only one more Lair, right?"

  Lex groaned. "Uuuugh."

  "It'll be fine!" Chaz said. "It was a worg that almost got you, and we eat worgs for breakfast now. Not literally, I assume. It's probably got the wrong biochemistry."

  I tried to reassure her. "You're pretty tough now. I think you could handle it. And we won't be doing it alone, right?"

  I wasn't too worried. Lex was groaning because she knew she'd cave.

  "Okay, okay, I get you. Just... let's wait for the others. Please."