WillT 5:12 PM

  What the hell? Where are you?

  Daddy_Big_Pants 5:12 PM

  They're with me, obviously. Caught them sniffing around my territory.

  Here's the deal. You killed some of my guys. I'm going to get even by killing your friends here... unless you come and take their place.

  Come to Toys B. Goode. We'll be waiting. Bring your lady friend too, the one who offed Boris's niece. Anyone else and the kids are dead.

  You got ten minutes. I'm not giving you time to plan some more bullshit.

  Lex trembled. "Why do these things keep happening to me?!"

  Kara patted her arm. "Don't worry, we'll think of something!"

  I let out a long sigh and tried to think. I didn't know that much about Big_Pants and his group. I didn't even know his name. On the other hand, I knew that he loved the sound of his own voice, and that schoolyard-tier insults made him mad enough jump into a lake. That was plenty.

  But first...

  "You'll be fine," I told Lex. "You got a crate when that girl died, right?"

  "Yeah... oh!"

  Lex summoned the crate. It popped out a Mementome and a drink can with a thick blackletter logo.

  [ Galaxxie Pallada has received a Death Daddy Mementome: Milica Bogdanovi?. The story of Milica, now in collectible book form! ]

  [ Rare! A Death Daddy Daddy Drink: I'll Have What He's Having! After drinking this, choose any customer you can see to copy one of their buffs! Must choose within an hour of drinking. Some buffs are proprietary and cannot be copied. ]

  She flipped through the Mementome. "'Killed by... Four-Wheeled Shopping Warg'. Come on!"

  I looked over her shoulder. "Check the story."

  Lex skimmed it. "Oh! It's here! It says the green-haired guy pushed her! His name was Tom!"

  I jumped into the group chat we shared with the teens.

  WillT 5:13 PM

  Working on a plan. Is there a dude with green hair named Tom there?

  VVVVVV 5:13 PM

  I said don't come here!

  WillT 5:13 PM

  Tough. How are you on Toms?

  VVVVVV 5:13 PM

  Fuck, fine.

  They've got a green hair dude, but he calls himself Swaggity. He's the guy who captured us. He can lock you down with gravity powers.

  He kind of looks like a Tom?

  One sec. He's guarding us now, I'll ask what his name is.

  RedHeadRedemption 5:14 PM

  This is Red. He says his name is Tom, not Kermit.

  Val made fun of him and he kicked her in the head.

  I think she's okay!

  WillT 5:14 PM

  You got any Boris?

  baaaaaaz 5:14 PM

  There's a Boris. He's their healer. He gave us water.

  SkullGirl33 5:14 PM

  Anything else it'd be good to know?

  RedHeadRedemption 5:15 PM

  They hid nanny cams all over the place.

  That's how we got caught.

  Joe 5:15 PM

  They've all got big Death Discounts. When the people they killed turned into zombies, they got their shit rocked.

  baaaaaaz 5:15 PM

  They have eight people. They had more but you got some of them.

  VVVVVV 5:15 PM

  I could use a healing drink.

  SkullGirl33 5:15 PM

  We're coming, okay? Be there soon!

  I tried to clear my head. My heart was starting to tighten. We had the basic shape of a plan, but the teens' lives were in our hands...

  Chaz interrupted my thoughts. He'd been combing through Zettachat. "I got a lot of people offering help. Nobody with game-changing powers, but it's better than nothing. And I can get to Val's group myself if I have to, obviously."

  Oh, right.

  Okay. I wasn't exactly by myself. I was with my friends, and they had my back. I could trust them to help out. And maybe blame them if things went south.

  "Are you sure you'd be okay?" Lex asked. "They said not to bring anyone..."

  "I got the drop on them once already," Chaz replied. "They won't see me coming."

  I could let Chaz focus on that. The teens were just bait anyway. If I just thought about this as a fight between the Big Pants crew and Boney Hawk...

  He wanted me to face his entire crew with just two people? Screw that. Time to even the odds.

  I turned to Lex. "I have an idea, but you'd have to lend Kara your crossbow. Is that okay?"

  Lex bit her lip. "I think so. I know a little martial arts..."

  Chaz held out his Strikebreaker hammer. "You can take this. You'll be outnumbered anyway."

  I headed for the escalators. "I'll explain on the way. I just gotta check something..."

  WillT 5:16 PM

  Hey kids. Who wants to risk a concussion?

  West plaza, Level Two.

  This plaza had a little northern annex on the upper two levels. A wide, shop-lined corridor on each level ran out towards a mall exit; they opened up near the far end, where an escalator connected them. Toys B. Goode was in there.

  Chaz and Kara stayed back, and I went ahead with Lex. Before we went into the annex though, we took refuge in a clothing store just around the corner. It was completely trashed with nothing of note, besides discarded clothes and a toy bear wedged into a shelf.

  I didn't have to wait long for the message I was hoping for.

  VVVVVV 5:20 PM

  We did it. Hope this works!

  I turned to Lex. "Ready?"

  Lex nodded. "We just need to distract them, yeah?"

  "Yeah. Val annoyed them into sending their healer over, then said really mean things to the other guards until they left. Now there's just one old guy guarding them. Chaz can take them down easy.

  "So we fight the rest?"

  "You'll be fine." I passed her a sealed manila envelope with "BUFF" written on it. "Once the fight starts, tear this as quickly as you can, alright?"

  Lex tucked it in her jacket. "Okay."

  "Let's go."

  We entered the corridor carefully, Lex ready to drop a shield at any moment.

  I could see Toys B. Goode up ahead, on the right. I could also see Big Pants and his crew waiting for us by the escalator. The man himself was waiting at the front, thumbs hooked into a stolen security vest, with a green-haired man standing beside him—Swaggity, I assumed.

  There were four more guys with him. The teens had warned me about three: the guy with a backwards baseball cap and blue-furred clawed arms was their heavy hitter, the gangly youth trying to look cool in an ill-fitting duster had studied the blade, and the office worker whose curled tie ended in a snapping, snakelike fabric mouth did something boring with crates. The last one was inside an inflatable T-Rex costume. I had no idea what was up with that.

  Big Pants was really hamming it up, slapping a pipe into his hand in a threatening manner. "Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in."

  This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

  I stopped and folded my arms. "Hello, Pee Pants."

  "Whatever, man," he said, grinning. "You know what's going to happen now, right?"

  "You're gonna pee your pants, right?"

  Lex snorted. Big Pants cracked.

  "Shut up," he snapped. "You think you'll be laughing in a minute, you little prick? You'll pay for killing our friends."

  "Aren't you supposed to be the PvP guys? Sounds like a skill issue," I said. Winding Big Pants up wasn't technically part of the plan, but sometimes it was good to treat yourself.

  His grin twitched. "Fuck it. Swag?"

  Another robotic cat stepped out from behind Swaggity's legs. This one had a huge mane of reddish fur, styled into the shape of a bunch of curved arrows pointing upward.

  Swaggity pointed upward. "Magravity, use Heavyside!"

  The cat's eyes glowed, and I began to float.

  "Uh..."

  Lex began to float too. "Hey!"

  Swaggity grinned and pointed down. We fell and crashed to the floor.

  "Oof!"

  Before I could get up, Big Pants stepped forward and stomped my knee.

  Pain exploded through my leg. Callcium wasn't kidding about this guy's melee attacks. It felt like being run over by a car.

  "Gaah!"

  "Much better. Stay right there," Big Pants said. He pushed me down with his foot, but I could barely move anyway. As long as Swaggity concentrated on us, Magravity's power would pin us down. No wonder the teens got caught so easily.

  "Listen," he continued. "My name's Rick. I'm getting the impression you think I'm just some whackjob. I just want you to know, my job was helping at-risk kids. Got my Working with Children Check and everything."

  "Oh, really?" I grunted. "And I thought you were mental! This changes everything!"

  Rick kicked me again. "See, normally I'd be protecting those kids," he continued. "But I got this special achievement."

  He reached into his jacket and dropped a Mementome between us. I didn't know the child on the cover, but his eyes were familiar.

  "My kid was the very first death in this tutorial," he said, crouching down to disarm me. The axe on my back and the crowbar hanging from my belt were both taken, tossed aside.

  "One minute I'm buying him a chocolate, the next he's got a dagger in his neck. Apparently that counts as an 'achievement' here. You know what I got for it? A Sorry Crate and fifty percent off my first key."

  I opened my big mouth. "So you decided to try PvP? Nice brain you got there, Stephen Dorking—"

  Rick stomped my other knee.

  "Aah!"

  "Shut up. Here's the thing. This is just a tutorial, right? Zeddie's fucking preschool. The losers who graduate get to play his fucking game for the rest of their lives. I'm not interested in that. You might have noticed this, but I'm a little pissed off! So if that's what Zeddie wants, I'm gonna deny him."

  Rick moved to Lex. He snatched away her hammer, opened her jacket, and pulled out the manila envelope. Then he kicked her in the side, just because. Lex yelped.

  "Here's a fun fact my bot told me: if someone with a PvP bot scores twenty-five kills, he gets to leave the tutorial any time he wants. We're going to ruin this whole tutorial before the boss arrives, and then we're going to leave. We're not playing Zeddie's game."

  Jesus Christ. "He gave you the PvP bots, dipshit. You're playing his game right now."

  "I said shut up!" Rick kicked Lex a few more times. "It's not about that any more. You took away the only family I had left, my friends... you think you're so fucking clever? If you knew what was next, you'd be thanking me! But I've got you now, huh?"

  He waved the envelope. "We have cameras everywhere, dipshit. I know your entire plan now. Boris, you can come out now!"

  Boris Bogdanovi? approached. He was an older man with weathered features, salt-and-pepper hair, a big nose, and an old blue coat from the days when they made clothes to last; besides his tear-rimmed eyes, he looked like the most normal person in the room right now. Even the knife in his hand was just a normal army knife.

  "I sent one of our strongest guys to watch the kids instead," he said. "When we catch your buddy, he can watch me finish you. Ready to get your revenge, Boris?"

  Boris looked at us and nodded. "I am ready."

  "Good. He's going to keep you two healed for a while. I'm gonna take my time with this." He tore the envelope. "But first—what the hell's a tack shop?"

  I grinned. "Gotcha."

  VWORP.

  Rick was forcefully teleported to a distant store by my Find Store scroll, and Boris stabbed Swaggity in the ribs.

  The plan was simple: the teens made a fuss until Boris was sent to heal Val, then got him to open his Death Daddy crate. It's not like Lex had to tell him personally.

  He was a little upset.

  "You bastard!" he shouted, knocking Swaggity to the floor. Swaggity screamed, lost his focus. The gravity effect ended.

  I activated the Stabchop tucked into my pants. "Lex! Time to party!"

  [ SHOPPING RUSH! Double attack speed! (00:04:59) ]

  Rick's companions panicked. Duster readied his sword. "Boris, what the fuck! Whose side are you on?!"

  "I calculated this would happen," Office Guy said, adjusting his glasses and stepping forward. "No matter. Proceed with the plan—"

  Wham!

  Lex's foot whirled into his head.

  She'd chugged the I'll Have What He's Having drink before we came here, and now she had Shopping Rush too. She couldn't do my telescoping arm trick, but she wasn't a gym rat for the ambience.

  Office Guy went flying. Lex threw up a shield just in case, and her instincts were spot-on: Inflatable Rex's eyes glowed and blasted it with lasers a moment later.

  The fight was on. Boris was busy trying to stab Swaggity some more, so I could ignore those two. That left Rex, Duster, and I guess we'll call the other guy Claws.

  Lex assumed a combat stance and looked down at me. "You okay?!"

  I gave her a thumbs-up. "I can't stand up, but I got your back"

  "That just leaves you, wench!" Duster said, drawing his sword and leaping forward. They knew Lex's shield only stopped ranged attacks. "I'm—"

  I raised my hand cannon and shot him in the ankle. He went down instantly.

  "AAAH!"

  I started hammering him in the side with Khan. "Who says 'wench'?!"

  Claws leapt over me and started swinging. He was more of a problem: he clearly had both martial arts experience and Zettamall boosts. Lex had to jump back to avoid his claws, and her retaliatory kick was blocked by his arms.

  Despite his menacing new appearance though, his voice was whiny. "Don't judge me! I'm doing this to survive!"

  Office Guy groaned and got to his feet. Rex started advancing, looking to step through the shield and blast me. My legs still did not feel like working. Lex clearly had her hands full though, so I guess the rest were on me.

  I switched to my hand cannon and fired at Rex. The blast didn't penetrate their suit, but they stumbled backwards. Office Guy took a chance and charged, leaping on top of me before I could shift my aim. He grabbed Khan with one hand and my throat with the other.

  "Gotcha!"

  I struggled. I couldn't even move Khan, let alone his hand on my throat. What the hell had Dilbert here been eating?

  I tried to reach for my Stabchop...

  A bolt smacked into Office Guy's side. He screamed and vworped away as the bolt swapped his position with the shooter: Kara.

  She started reloading. "Hi!"

  I grabbed my Stabchop, passed it to my metal hand, and launched it at Rex before they could react. This time I penetrated not just the inflatable suit, but something beyond.

  Stab! "Hnngh!"

  Rex grabbed their wound and doubled over. Then, suddenly, they vanished with a vworp!.

  I looked around. "Wait, what the hell?"

  "Wasn't me," Kara said.

  Lex was still struggling with Claws. Rick had already bruised her, and now she was scratched up from the claws. This fucking guy seemed fine though. His arms seemed able to block anything she threw at them.

  "I have the ultimate defense! Give up already!"

  I raised my arm and blasted him in the side.

  Claws yelled and staggered, his defense broken. Lex darted forward...

  ...and sent a brutal kick straight into his crotch.

  It was perfect. Textbook. Meaty-sounding. I felt sympathetic pains just seeing it.

  Claws screamed and dropped to his knees, and Lex's second kick took him down with a blow to the head.

  Back down the corridor, Office Guy stared at us from the distant spot Kara had teleported him to and wisely decided to run away, clutching his side.

  "Good job," I said.

  Lex doubled over and gasped for air. "Thanks... hah..."

  "WILL!!" Rick roared.

  He was in the upper annex, at the top of the escalators. I had no idea where the spell had sent him, but it had done a number on him. He was bruised, bloody, furious. Running all the way here and seeing his buddies defeated hadn't improved his mood.

  I grinned and waved. "What's up, Pee Pants?"

  Rick screamed in fury. "AAAAAAAAAAH!! Fuck you, Will! I'll get you! This isn't over!"

  He vanished. Vworp!

  Kara looked around. "Okay, seriously, what is this?"

  "He said that PvPers get to leave the tutorial early if they get enough kills," I told her. "I think they're cashing out."

  Kara looked at Duster, who'd been trying to crawl into the safe zone while we were distracted. "So, what, these other guys didn't get enough?"

  Duster looked over his shoulder and panicked. "W-wait! I only got assists! They made me work for them! I can help you, if—"

  Boris crouched beside the man and slit his throat.

  I jumped. "Jesus, dude!"

  Boris left Duster gurgling on the floor and explained himself calmly. "He lies. Rick recruited him by offering to hunt down a woman who rejected him."

  "What about you, then?"

  "I was told Rick would help me avenge Milly," he said. "That is... all I cared about. But now I see I have shamed her instead. I am sorry, Miss Galaxxie."

  "Umm... I guess it's fine?" Lex said awkwardly.

  "Not yet." Boris reached into his pocket and offered me a Slurp Nurse can. "I have much to atone for. I will help you."

  I took it and drank. It was calibrated, thank God.

  "...Thanks."

  As my knees repaired themselves, Boris returned to Swaggity. "Just let me take care of some unfinished business."

  The man was curled up on the floor, groaning. Boris had stabbed him a lot, and hadn't healed all the wounds. He flipped Swaggity on his back and produced a banana.

  Swaggity groaned. "Oh, God..."

  "You blamed this poor woman because you hoped the truth would die with her," Boris said, peeling calmly. "You even gave me this to use on her."

  "Why did you even do it?" Lex asked.

  Swaggity coughed blood. "I'm sorry... Thought I had to... to survive..."

  Boris shoved the half-peeled banana into Swaggity's mouth.

  "And how has that worked out for you?"

  Boris squeezed the other end. The loosened peel gripped Swaggity's jaw, and the banana started to beep.

  Boris walked towards us. Swaggity frantically pulled at it, but it wouldn't budge. He let out a muffled scream—

  BOOM!

  His head exploded. The body fell backward.

  "Whoops," Magravity said beside me. "Guess I gotta go back into the bot pool. Again."

  The cat left, grumbling.

  I got to my feet. It hurt like hell, but I could move. "So... Magic's done, Pee Pants is done, and we cleared up that misunderstanding. What's left?"

  "You wanna kill this guy?" Kara asked, pointing at the groaning Claws.

  "It may be wise," Boris said. "He is a fool. He kills because he is afraid to die."

  "I'm not sure I'm ready to kill someone," I said, mostly to myself.

  Kara smiled. "Do you feel ready to go check the safe zone for about sixty seconds?"

  Chaz stepped out of the rug store, trailed by the teens. Boris had loosened their bindings in advance, so they didn't really need his help, but better safe than sorry.

  "Oh, good, you killed people too," Chaz said. "Our guy is dead. Self-defense. I was worried this would be awkward."

  Duster groaned. As per the new mall modifiers, he was reanimating as an Expired.

  A new window appeared.

  [ Schlock Rotation! Customer P/56, who died with a Death Discount, has revived as a HEADLESS SPORTSMAN! ]

  I turned around.

  Swaggity was already lunging at us. In place of his head was a spectral blue flame, a bright orange headguard floating around it.

  "Crap!" I raised my arm, but it was too late. He'd already found his target.

  The Headless Sportsman slammed Kara to the ground with a wordless scream, gripping her face tight. Its hand glowed. Kara struggled, screamed.

  Chaz cut its arm off. It went down. I started blasting both undead until they stopped moving.

  "For fuck's sake," I said. That almost gave me a heart attack. "You okay?"

  Kara didn't have any visible wounds, but she didn't look great either. Her skin was paler, her eyes redder. That attack had drained something from her.

  "Oh no," she gasped. "It got me."

  "...Got how?"

  "Death Discount..."

  She read the notification for us.

  [ Healing reduced by 100% for 24 hours! ]