Chaz passed me an ice pack. I pressed it to my busted eye and watched the survivors while I waited for my body to stop screaming.

  There were maybe thirty survivors in the store. The remaining shoplins had been cleared out, but in the absence of leadership, everyone was freaking out.

  "What the fuck are those things?!"

  "They can't actually be dead, right?..."

  "Manager! MANAGER! I WANT TO TALK TO A MANAGER!"

  As I got to my feet, an unfamiliar jingle rang out through the PA system.

  The obnoxious voice from earlier returned, with the staggeringly inappropriate faux-cheerfulness of a boss trying to frame unpaid work as an incredible opportunity.

  "Good afternoon, shoppers! Welcome to the ZETTAMALL?, the universe's greatest shopping experience!"

  A bunch of colourful geometric shapes appeared over the registers and dramatically arranged themselves into a spinning ZETTAMALL? logo, which gleamed.

  Everyone started shouting again.

  "What's going on?!"

  "Who is this?! Let us out!"

  The voice boomed even louder. "Can I have everyone's attention, please?"

  The store gradually quietened down, except for one middle-aged woman who had wandered off in search of the boss. Cries of "MANAGER!" rang through the aisles.

  The logo started to spin so fast it blurred. When the spinning stopped, a floating head looked down on us instead. He had slick black hair, a cheerful grin, and a fuzzy red-and-cyan outline, like we were looking at an anaglyph 3D effect.

  "Now then," the head said. "Welcome! I'm the speaker for the ZETTAMALL?. Call me Zeddie! I'm here to tell you how everything works, to ensure the best possible customer experience."

  The head glitched out, and for a moment he had a different grin and a disembodied hand giving us a thumbs-up.

  I almost dropped my ice pack. "Uh..."

  "Hi, Zeddie," Kara said carefully. "What is this, exactly?"

  Zeddie began his pitch. "The ZETTAMALL?? Only the largest mall in the universe! And it's even larger now that Brockdale Shopping Centre has been integrated. You've all been accepted as brand-new customers!"

  I remembered the first message I saw. "I didn't apply, though?"

  Zeddie wasn't listening. "You can buy almost anything in the universe here, as long as you have the Funbucks to spend!" He flickered again, and for a brief moment his hands were back and holding fans of blue banknotes. "Need Funbucks? Earning them is simple—venture deeper into the ZETTAMALL?, defeat its denizens, and you can have all the Funbucks you want! Doesn't that sound fun?"

  I turned to look at the self-service area. A register was still demanding that someone remove the unexplained corpse in the bagging area.

  "Uhhhhh..."

  Chaz spoke up. "This seems more like a videogame than a shopping thing?"

  "Anything's a game when the numbers go up!" Zeddie said happily. "Speaking of, your applications have just been processed. Take a look."

  Fresh windows popped up in front of me.

  [ Membership application accepted. ]

  [ Your starting level has been set to 1. Starting stats have been chosen based on standard body scans, personality profiles, species baselines, and psi-dimensional soul biopsy. ]

  [ William Tombaugh, Customer #1-037564-000960-042195 [NG_Brockdale-24 104/B]

  Level: 1

  EXP: 29/50

  Basics

  Type: Sol-Human

  Job: TBD

  Bot: TBD

  Stats

  Might: 3

  Brains: 5

  Finesse: 4

  [Expand for details...]

  Assets

  Health: 8/8

  Funbucks: $330 ]

  [ You have survived the grand opening! Achievements granted:

  Welcome To The ZETTAMALL?

  Survive the grand opening.

  Reward: Tutorial System Access

  First Blood, Part 3

  Be the third person in your starter mall to score a kill.

  Reward: $300, +25 EXP, +1 ZETTAMALL? Starter Crate

  Endorse This

  Kill an armed opponent with a branded product.

  Reward: +1 ZETTAMALL? Starter Crate

  So, You're One Of Those Freaks

  Rescue somebody in your starter mall without asking for a reward.

  Reward: +1 EXP ]

  Judging by the reactions around me, everyone else was seeing something similar.

  "Is this for real?" Kara asked.

  "As real as the cool, refreshing taste of GROGULOX? Lunar Cola, my valued customer," Zeddie said, "and that's just one of many incredible tastes you can experience in the ZETTAMALL?! By the way, if you earn at least 400 Funbucks in the tutorial, you can buy a robot companion too. Better start earning!"

  Chaz threw his arms up. "What kinda shopping mall has battles?!"

  "It's always Blood Friday somewhere," Zeddie said cheerfully. "Now, if you have any questions, please consult the Guidebook located in—"

  "Excuse me," someone said.

  I looked around. The lady who'd left in search of the manager had returned. She was Miss Levine, one of the regulars who gravitated to our store, who seemed to use retail workers to make up for being born slightly too late to whip a slave.

  She was snapping her fingers at Zeddie like he was a dog.

  "Ah, Miss Levine. What can I do for you, madam?" Zeddie said cheerfully.

  "That is not how you greet a customer," she snapped.

  A shocked silence rippled through the room.

  Zeddie glitched up a hand to clear his throat. It was mostly static. "My apologies, miss. How can I help?"

  "Wrong again!" Levine rolled her eyes. "Honestly."

  This time Zeddie fell silent for a few moments before replying, with slightly less cheerfulness in his voice:

  "I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you want from me."

  "What I want is a little customer service!" Levine snarled. "How dare you try to scam money out of me with this 'membership' stuff! Lose my details right now!"

  Zeddie cleared his throat again, more carefully.

  "I can definitely... remove you from the system, ma'am," Zeddie said. His smile flickered, and faux-cheer dripped from his voice like drool from the fangs of a predator. "Is that all?"

  The nearest survivors took a few steps away from Miss Levine. She didn't notice. This new reality only briefly intersected with her own, and she didn't much care for it.

  "Of course not! I only came here to buy laundry detergent, and this... whatever this is has been such an inconvenience! How are you going to compensate me?"

  "Well," Zeddie purred, "I'm sure Management would approve if I granted you a token of our... appreciation." His hands reappeared long enough to produce a floating box of laundry pods, which stayed even when the hands vanished. "How about a whole box of laundry pods, on the house?"

  "It's a start," Levine sniffed.

  A rift grinned in the ceiling above Miss Levine. A beam of swirling purple energy roared down, trapping her.

  A new window appeared, subtitling Zeddie's voice as it echoed across the room:

  [ Customer 104/P2 has been released from our membership program. Thank you for visiting the ZETTAMALL?. ]

  Zeddie seriously glitched out. I only saw his face for the briefest of moments before blinding pink light filled my vision...

  ...but he was grinning like a madman.

  [ ZETTAMALL?: Where Anything Is Possible! ]

  When our eyesight returned, the rift was gone. So was Miss Levine's head.

  In its place sat a sealed box of laundry pods, seamlessly attached to her neck. It was too narrow to contain her head. On the box was a logo in an alien but still somehow readable language:

  [ PODSTUFF: Feed It To Your Kids! ]

  Miss Levine patted her head, hands shaking, and waved her arms in a silent scream.

  Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.

  "Now, where was I?" Zeddie said happily, voice once again free of significant pauses.

  There were gasps in the crowd, but the gaspers silenced themselves quickly. Nobody wanted to become the next target.

  I took a deep breath, and raised my hand.

  This situation was fucked. One fact had pierced the haze of fear rising in my mind, though: Zeddie had been waiting to do that.

  He wanted respect. If I wanted to survive this situation, I needed to do what I'd been doing in the Gateway—keep my thoughts to myself and kiss some arse.

  "You were telling us about the Guidebook, sir," I said. A few people stared at me, but fuck 'em.

  "The Guidebook!" Zeddie said. "Thank you, Mr Tombaugh. You can find that in the ZETTAMALL? app, which we've installed on your phones for your comfort and convenience. If you have a question that isn't in the Guidebook, please call our Customer Service helpline."

  I nodded and pushed my luck a little. "Thanks. You've been very helpful."

  "Thank you, valued customer," Zeddie said. "Well, I'll let you finish the tutorial. Thank you for visiting ZETTAMALL?, and good luck! ZETTAMALL?: Live To Save."

  Zeddie glitched into a double thumbs-up , then winked out of existence. The speakers went silent.

  "Oh, my God," a customer gasped. A few people had sat Miss Levine down and opened her head-box, thinking they were freeing her. "There's just pods in here!"

  I ignored her for now. A new window had popped up in front of me.

  [ Achievement granted:

  Valued Customer

  You've earned it.

  Reward: +1 Random Brand Crate, Title: Valued Customer ]

  I lowered my ice pack and sighed.

  "I'm not going home today, am I?"

  [ ZETTAMALL? App > Guidebook > Current Stage

  SCENARIO

  The tutorial scenario chosen for your starting mall is:

  < SHOPLIN' AROUND >

  TYPE: Tutorial

  SPONSOR: WARCRIMES

  DIFFICULTY: Goo Goo Ga Ga I'm A Big Baby

  GOAL: The Shoplins have invaded your mall! Survive for 48 hours!

  On Day 2, new ENCOUNTERS will appear.

  On Day 3, a MALL BOSS will appear.

  SUCCEED: Entry to ZETTAMALL?

  FAIL: Death sponsored by WARCRIMES

  MALL MODIFIERS:

  Droppin' Shoplins: Shoplins will increase in number until their bosses are defeated or the mall is overrun.

  More on Day 2!

  [ STATUS

  TIME: Day 1, 5:01 PM

  CUSTOMERS: 763/1167 ]

  The survivors weren't doing great. Some did things they thought might help, like building a trolley barricade at the exits, lining corpses up in a corner, or eating chocolate bars while crying. Some people tried calling the police, the fire department, anyone, but when Zeddie answered to cheerfully inform them that everything was fine, they'd given up. A few were reading the guidebook and freaking out. Nobody was taking charge.

  Definitely not me. I wasn't going to be responsible for someone else again, especially not a bunch of strangers. They were on their own.

  Instead, I sat there and played with my phone. Most of my apps were gone—in their place were the Zettamall app and a new social platform, Zettachat. I focused on the main app for now.

  A button on the app somehow summoned an interface in my vision, with a health bar and a row of icons and everything, and shifted the app's menus to that. Windows began popping up to tell me how to use them.

  I could interact with them with my mind, by reaching out and touching them, or I could just unsummon everything and stick to my phone. I decided to keep the interface for convenience, but used my hands so my friends didn't just see a guy staring off into space.

  Kara finished taping Miss Levine's head closed again, dusted her hands off on her apron, realised she'd just got them bloody, and wiped them on her pants.

  "Anyone seen Jerry?" she asked.

  Chaz passed her a tissue. "The boss said he was getting something to eat an hour ago."

  "He'll be fine," I said. He was probably better off with a group of survivors who hadn't considered pushing him into traffic, anyway. "We should focus on this game thing for now. Did you see we're in a party?"

  A lot of menu options were disabled until I met some unspecified requirements, but I could access a party window. Someone (Zeddie?) had decided that Kara and Chaz were in mine.

  [ [Valued Customer] Kara Ceres, Level 1 ]

  [ Chaz Cruso, Level 1 ]

  There was a space for a party name, but it was blank.

  "What should we use?" Chaz asked. He'd opened the register and was stuffing banknotes into his pockets; it didn't seem useful, but he'd said it felt cathartic. "Maybe one of our clan names?"

  "No," Kara said, calmly and immediately. "I've seen what you and Will call yourselves."

  "Hey, my names aren't that bad!" Chaz protested.

  "Well, which one were you thinking of using? Hentai Gamers 69? Samurai Vaxxed? The Cum Gazebo?"

  Chaz stopped emptying the registers and rubbed his chin. "Actually, 'Hentai Samurai' would rhyme..."

  "I'm going to put in 'Team Gateway' for now," I said quickly.

  Next, I found my crate window. It was a box icon in the menu bar, not hard to find; a speech bubble connected to it said "Buy keys! Open crates!"

  It showed me a row of cards, with their own colourful patterns and lock icons at the bottom. Text under each card told me they were two Zettamall Starter Crates and a Random Brand crate. There was also a big button for buying keys, and an even bigger advertisement for them.

  [ Open a Crate with a Crate Key to receive a random item!

  Only 100 Funbucks! Limited Time Offer! ]

  I only had a few hundred Funbucks, and I didn't feel like gambling right now. Pass.

  "Maybe later," I said. "How about you two?"

  Chaz shrugged. "I got sixty bucks for killing shoplins."

  Kara lowered her voice. "I have nine hundred and fourty."

  Chaz almost dropped his money. "Nani?!"

  "First Blood achievement," Kara said, beaming. It wasn't her customer smile but her real one, a mischievous grin which suggested that she'd just broken into your home and put glue on your doorknobs. It was something in the eyes. She had a very expressive face.

  I glanced down. She was still splattered with blood. A shoplin must have appeared right in front of her.

  "Fair enough," I said.

  Kara gestured towards the store's northwest, where the break room sat. "I'm gonna open my boxes somewhere with fewer people. Wanna come with?"

  I gave her a thumbs-up. "Might as well know what we're getting into."

  We broke away from the pack and headed to the back, past the corpses. We kept our guard up at first, but there were no more shoplins.

  The emergency exit in the back had a massive metal plate bolted over it and a new "NO EXIT" sign, which was a little worrying. The paths to the staff corridors and the loading dock were similarly sealed off.

  I frowned. "How did this even happen? That wasn't there when I took a break..."

  "Probably the same way they warped the shoplins in," Kara said, making a face at the break room door camera.

  Click. "Have a wonderful day!"

  The shoplin corpse was still here. I tossed it outside as the others sat down.

  Kara rubbed her hands together. "Okay, let's see. I got these..."

  She accessed her inventory, and four crates clattered onto the table in a burst of light. Each was a high-tech cube about the width of my forearm, with a comically large keyhole in the side and a glowing circle on top.

  Two were plain white boxes with a stylized Z stamped over a Brockdale logo, one had a dark blue camo pattern and a 'WARCRIMES' logo, and the last was just a taped-up cardboard box with 'MYSTERY BOX' scrawled on the side in marker. It looked like someone had sat on it. Kara read out their descriptions for us.

  [ A ZETTAMALL? Starter Crate! Contains helpful items to get you through the tutorial.

  ZETTAMALL?: Your Mall, Our World! ]

  [ A WARCRIMES Bronze Sponsor Crate! Contains useful combat gear to get you through the tutorial, courtesy of WARCRIMES.

  WARCRIMES: Winners Commit. ]

  [ A Random Brand Crate! Open it to reveal a random crate from any of this mall's assigned Brands. ]

  "I don't know enough about this game," I said. "Is that good?"

  "Dunno," Kara said, tapping at her menus. "Let's find out."

  Kara made her purchase, and four silver, shiny, comically oversized keys appeared in her hands. She tried them on the crates. The keys changed their shape to fit, the crates cracked open with a dramatic glow, and her rewards popped into existence.

  The starter crates dispensed a piece of silvery paper and a pink soda can that looked like something from Y2K. Whenever someone opened a crate nearby, I got a message.

  [ Kara Ceres has received a ZETTAMALL? Silver Coupon! 25% off your next Item Shop purchase! Expires in 2 weeks. ]

  [ Kara Ceres has received a Slurp Nurse Refreshing Cola! Slurp Nurse's patented formula is guaranteed to quench your thirst and mend your ruptured flesh.

  Slurp Nurse: I'm Slurpin' It! ]

  "Well, it's useful," Kara said, and wiggled the can at me. "I assume. You want this?"

  "It's fine, I'm mostly just sore now," I said. My health bar was mostly full. "Save it for a stab wound or something."

  Next, the WARCRIMES crate. It gave her a weapon: a spear that looked like a piece of sporting equipment, with tape grips and a blade bolted to the end.

  [ Kara Ceres has received a WARCRIMES Spear Classic! The Spear Classic is designed for enhanced performance, without sacrificing power. For added comfort the spear features a Screaming Lumpsucker perforated grip, which helps absorb impact and reduce vibration. For the enthusiast who desires a retro stabbing experience. ]

  She picked it up and stabbed the owl meme poster.

  "Hehe, nice."

  "Careful where you point that thing," I said quickly.

  Kara set it down and tried the random crate. She had to slice the box open first—it shook and glowed, then unfolded to reveal a grey-and-neon-orange crate wrapped in construction tape. Unlocking that got her a black-and-orange hoodie.

  [ A Breaker Supply Construction Crate! Contains sturdy items to keep you safe and healthy—especially if you work alone.

  Don't Get Unionized—Get Breaker Supplied! ]

  [ Kara Ceres has received a Breaker Supply Surplus Worker's Jacket! +2 Armor when in a group of 4 or smaller. Why go higher? You'll get less loot. ]

  Kara threw it on. The crates dissolved into motes of light and faded, their job done.

  "Is +2 good?" Chaz asked.

  Kara shrugged. "Wanna borrow my spear and find out?"

  "No thank you."

  "Well, I could open your crates," she offered. "I still have like six hundred bucks."

  Chaz got up and opened his locker. "No need. I came prepared!"

  He pulled out a large backpack, and a sheath—

  I leaned back. "Is that a fucking katana?!"

  Chaz grinned and unsheathed it slightly, revealing the blade.

  "Actually, it's a wakizashi," he said proudly. "I got it from Fallout Boys."

  The shitty survival gear store on the other side of the mall. That blade was absolutely made of the cheapest material money could buy.

  I tried to be diplomatic about it. "Aren't those... decorative?"

  Chaz sheathed the blade and strapped it on. "Yeah, but it's better than nothing. And I only have a starter crate, anyway. She didn't get a weapon from hers."

  I nodded. That was true, but...

  "Ah, screw it!" I said, opening my crate window and buying three keys. I couldn't watch Kara get tools to defend herself and not try it out. I had to admit it. They'd got me.

  The keys appeared as cards until I summoned them into my hands. I tried my two starters first: they gave me a round metal shield that looked like someone had cut it out of a shopping trolley, and a big orange with a "DANGER: EXPLOSIVE" warning sticker.

  [ You have received a ZETTAMALL? Shielding Cart! Blocks attacks. Effective against melee attacks, not so effective against ranged. ]

  [ You have received a Fragger's Co-Operative Blood Orange! Destroy your enemies with this fine gore-ange! This is a throwable sticky bomb with a blast radius of 5m. Activate by squeezing hard, then throw. This is not food. If you try to eat it and survive, you will not receive a refund.

  Fragger's Co-Operative: We Grow 'Em, You Throw 'Em! ]

  I set it down very carefully and opened my random crate next. This one popped out a gold-tinted Zettamall crate, which in turn spat out a gold card with a cartoon robot on it.

  [ A ZETTAMALL? Gold Rewards Crate! This contains special rewards for Valued Customers. ]

  [ Rare! You have received a ZETTAMALL? Gold OddBotz? Card!

  You are guaranteed one high-grade OddBot? during OddBotz? Selection. ]

  [ Funbucks: $30 [-300!] ]

  "A shield, a fruit grenade, and I don't know what this is."

  "But the box was gold," Chaz said. "That means it's good."

  "Probably," I said. I didn't have enough information to know for sure, but I thought back to my Valued Customer achievement. I'd clearly received it after Zeddie had called me that, in response to my kissing his arse. I definitely shouldn't mess with that guy.

  "So, now what?"

  "I was going to ask you," Kara said. "You're usually the leader when we do stuff."

  Chaz nodded. "Guide us, sensei."

  "No way," I said firmly. "This isn't just the three of us hanging out. We're not deciding where to eat. This is, you know, a Situation."

  Kara winced. They both knew why I was saying that.

  "Okay, fine," she sighed. "In that case... let's put it to a vote. What do you guys think we should do?"

  I raised my hand. "We should play the game for now. Take a look outside, see if we can find an exit... test the loot if we can't."

  Chaz agreed with me, as usual. "There might be people in trouble out there. Let's be gamers."

  Kara exhaled. "Phew... you agree with me! That's good news. Okay, let's—"

  A PA speaker in the ceiling crackled into life. We froze, expecting the return of Zeddie, until...

  "Attention, survivors!" another voice said.

  "Oh, goddamn it," I said, scrambling for the door. Not him!