Things that you would want to find inside your GM bag when isekaid into a fantasy world: magical pen to rewrite destiny, campaign notes telling you the plot so you can sequence break reality, miniatures that can be animated into powerful summons. But Dee found none of those. He pulled out a notebook; blue, which meant that it was a campaign book.

  This must be filled with secrets! What fate! He opened it and flicked through it. No, it’s blank. Damn you, fate. Completely empty, there was not even the campaign title written down.

  What is this world? Nothing in my life is sorted apart from my campaign notes. Gaming is my happy place. This can’t be my book!

  He flicked through it again, just to make sure that it was empty. Yep, completely blank. He slid the notebook back into his game-bag. I thought I was supposed to appear with system knowledge, or a special power. I’m just a chump NPC. Oh Gods, I’m going to die horribly.

  While his stomach roiled with despair, the two real heroes were abandoning him. Arjelica stalked down the rough stairs and picked her way through the ragged remains of the frogites. She was determined and poised, and clearly not interested in rescuing him. She was heading to the only exit that Dee could see. Maybe I can follow them and they’ll just get used to having me around, like a friendly stray cat. Arjelica kicked one of the fallen frogites out of her way, snarling at the corpse. Maybe not.

  Despite the high roof and wide flat floor, Dee felt a hit of claustrophobia. If I don’t go with them, I’m going to be captured by frogs again. I want out of here as soon as possible.

  “Bye, human!” Yuri blew a kiss over her shoulder and winked. Then she headed down the stairs after her partner.

  “Wait! How do I get out of here?” he shouted.

  “Same way you got in,” Arjelica called over her shoulder. Still she carried herself with ready menace, always aware of her surroundings. Dee wanted to run after her and cling to her ankles. She could carry him out of the dungeon as he stuck to her like a burr.

  This was a scene similar to ones he had narrated as a Gamemaster many times, the heroic outcome of a battle. The eerie temple with its glowing light that flowed in waves across the rock. The defeated foes and the heroes, ready to move onto the next encounter. The quiet after the storm. Except I’m an NPC in this encounter. They rescued me but they haven’t “rescued” rescued me. I need them to help me. How do I get PCs to rescue NPCs in my games? I am a Gamemaster, that’s my one advantage here. Gamemaster brain, activate!

  He fell to his knees and started sobbing, blubbering out a request. “Please, glorious heroes. I have no way to fend for myself. Rescue me and I’m sure my village will reward you with great riches.”

  “What village? We’re in the middle of the deep forest. You don’t live in a village nearby.” Arjelica wrinkled her nose, as if she could smell the lie and it smelled like shit.

  Yuri paused on the stairs and threw a glance over her shoulder. “Where do you come from? Maybe you’re a mutant frogite. Hated by your fellows for your pink skin and tiny eyes. And cute mop of hair. Are you a mutant?” Yuri, inspired by her own imagination, ran back up the stairs and peered at him closely. She ran her fingers under his chin. It tickled but he didn’t want her to stop. “No frogite chin sac. He’s just a human.”

  “Okay, I can’t give you any reward. Apart from myself. I pledge myself to aid you in your battles.”

  “You can fight?” Yuri said.

  “Not really. I can carry your stuff so you can fight unencumbered.”

  “Ooh,” Yuri crooned. “A pet human.” She cupped his face in her hands, and he felt a soothing warmth even through her gloves. Her eyes, large and shiny black, flecked with silver, stared at him and he felt himself going limp. Was she enchanting him? He couldn’t tell if it was a good thing that she wanted to adopt him.

  “Yes, I’ll carry your treasure, and I have a notebook, so I can write down notes about your adventures.”

  “O-hohoho,” Yuri let out the perfect anime laugh. “Can I keep him, Arjy baby?” she called down to her companion.

  Arjelica scowled and her lip curled in disgust. “You’re your own elf, but I’m not saving him if he makes trouble.”

  “You won’t have to. I’ll be nice and quiet and just carry stuff for you.” And follow you out of the dungeon and then on the surface run away as fast as possible until I find some nice, normal human friends here. Marry a farm-girl, settle down and start a family and forget all about trying to be an isekai protagonist. Reject the Isekai, embrace safety!

  “Oh, you’re an elf? You’re an elf witch.” He smiled.

  “And you’re a human, a human idiot.” Yuri snaked her arm through his and walked him down the stairs, the same way you would guide a bemused elderly uncle who has wandered into the kitchen and asked what time the trains arrive. It felt nice, having her next to him.

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  But walking through the real remains of a battle was much more stomach churning than describing it in a game. He clung a little tighter to Yuri’s arm. The frogites lay unmoving, some still clutching weapons they had fallen with, stone daggers and javelins. They were naked apart from cloth belts with pouches on them. Glassy black eyes stared at the ceiling.

  They were walking through a large depression in the cave, like an empty swimming pool. But the floor was alive to his touch, he felt magic tingling through his soles. Though it was bone dry, it felt like running water every time he stepped. If this was a dream it would be a source of so much creativity and unusual ideas he could write into his games. But all these sensations only proved to him that it was not a dream.

  His foot touched an outstretched arm, which was still disturbingly warm. He flinched away from it. “I don’t have any shoes on,” he said.

  “You aren’t very prepared for dungeoneering.” Yuri seemed unconcerned; she must be used to this kind of thing.

  “I am completely unprepared. I couldn’t be more unprepared if I was a toffee training to be a dentist.”

  I need info. How can I survive in a dungeon in my pyjamas? Where can I get some shoes? Why did the frogites want to kill me? How did they get me here? Why am I in my pyjamas?

  He stopped. His legs wouldn’t move. The thoughts in his head were fighting, his heart started racing again. It’s a panic attack. The vicious pressure of emotion forced itself into him, like a burst water pipe trying to explode through his chest. “Pyjamas!” the word blurted out of him.

  Yuri was staring at him. I can’t have a panic attack in a dungeon, not in front of a witch. He laughed and the tension left him, to be replaced by a wave of gratitude. He didn’t know how to handle his panic attacks, but the idea that this might still be a dream let him breathe. The crushing feeling faded from his chest, but he knew it was still lurking there, a thing in the back of his mind. I’ll just have my panic attack outside the dungeon. Escape dungeon, then panic. That thought bounced around in his head, circling and repeating itself. Ultimately exhausting but better than the alternative.

  He leaned into Yuri’s embrace as she led him towards the exit. She was something protective, if he could just get her to accept him as a party member then, maybe just maybe he would have a chance.

  The exit tunnel was a small tube through the stone. Its walls were curved and smooth, but covered in stringy moss that glowed with the same light he had seen during his almost sacrifice.

  Arjelica was ahead of them, her head cocked to one side, her weight on one leg. She looked like a painting on a heavy metal cover, a toned barbarian with long flowing hair, staring out at lands to be conquered. She closed her eyes and sniffed the air.

  “It’s clear.” She waved her hand backwards at Yuri and Dee.

  “Well then, let’s find the others and introduce them to you.” Yuri said. She dropped his arm and skipped after Arjelica. “Keep up, pet human.”

  Escape dungeon, then panic. He kept repeating that thought and stumbled after them.

  The tunnel was so low in places that they had to crouch to get through, and the wall was thick with slime that stuck to them. It was thick and tacky, and pulsed with light whenever touched.

  “Just look, this is all water mana,” Yuri said to Dee, in a loud voice that was really for Arjelica.

  “You’d better be right,” Arjelica muttered back.

  “But it’s all for you, my dear. You want a water crest. This is a water dungeon, and I can smell it, there is a crest down here. Am I not a Mist Witch, wise in the ways of magic? O-hohoho!”

  The tunnel emerged another large cavern, even larger than the sacrifice chamber, with dozens of more corridors leading out of it. There were two large statues flanking the tunnel they had come out of.

  Dee looked up at the statues, trying to make sense of them. If he treated this all as a game, a fact-finding exercise, it helped to keep away the terror.

  The statues were brutal and angular looking, two large frogs sitting either side, looking out as if guarding the entrance to the God’s chamber. Made from a black stone that absorbed light and reflected none of the pulsing light from the slime that coated the walls around them.

  Guardians of death. He shuddered. They overlook access to their god, ensuring only those marked for death may pass.

  Dee was jerked out of his gruesome thoughts by a sudden friendly shout from Yuri.

  “Yoohoo, Tianna!” Yuri called.

  He saw there was an adventurer waiting for them. Short, very short, and heavily armoured compared to Yuri and Arjelica. She wore a polished white hauberk, with golden pauldrons and a green silk cape on her back. Her helmet had a brightly coloured feather sticking from it.

  She had her back to them, but when she heard Yuri she swung round with her mace, screaming. Her swing took her full around and she fell down onto the floor.

  “Don’t surprise me!” she squealed. Her helmet dropped down over her eyes. “I was worried about you. Did you find the crest?”

  “It was a dead end. So much for your crest sensing skills,” Arjelica threw a side-eye at Yuri.

  “Don’t be a meany, you could feel it too. It’s close to that room. There must be a passageway here that goes behind it.” She stuck her nose in the air and pretended to study the frog statues.

  “Get up Tianna,” Arjelica said, with little sympathy.

  Tianna muttered and murmured pathetically, scrabbling at her helmet, trying to see. Dee went to Tianna, and held his hand out. “Would you like some help?”

  She righted her helmet, and stared up at him with shock. “Who are you?”

  “He’s my pet human. I rescued him. Don’t fall in love with him, he’s mine!” Yuri said. She dropped her arms over him protectively. Her breath was warm against his neck and he was reminded once again that he was in his pyjamas and dressing gown. He felt like she would slide her hand into his dressing gown again.

  “I could never fall in love with a human. I know what you do.” Tianna stared up at him with anger, but a terribly cute anger.

  Still, she took his hand carefully and yelped with surprise as he pulled her to her feet. She was still little more than half his height, even standing. The silver links of her chain hauberk rustled quietly as she stood. It came down to her ankles, it looked custom-made and completely ill-fitting at the same time. Her mace was almost as tall as she was, in a design Dee had never seen before. Instead of a spiked ball at the top, it had a metal cage, like a lantern with no flame inside.

  Her helmet had fallen off as she stood, and she had a bad case of helmet hair, her short auburn hair was stuck down chaotically, sticky with sweat.

  Yuri scooped up Tianna’s helmet and dropped it onto her head. The bright orange and green feather in it quivered as she adjusted it.

  “I’m Dee. Are you a halfling?” Dee asked.

  Her eyes went wide in surprise, and then she reached up and slapped him across the face.