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Bandits, Highwaymen, and Outlaws Oh MY!

  Normally, Isadora handled her ward’s idiosyncrasies with an admirable patience, but traveling with Eleonora was something else entirely. Hour after hour, league after league turned into a true test of endurance and patience. It wasn’t, so much, the distance or the terrain. It was simply the way Eleonora’s scatterbrain personality operated. The girl’s attention managed to ricochet about every which way. While her curiosity demanded she analyze everything on their path.

  Just the other day they had gotten side tracked when Eleonora had spotted a common woodland goblin, one of the more numerous monster species. It looked like a hairless and tailless monkey with about the same intelligence. Eleonora decided she wanted to hunt the monster, leading to a two hour goose chase which ended with the goblin getting away and them ending up in the village of To'oma.

  A place that seemed to have been a misplaced afterthought of civilization. With the handful of shoddy cottages in the village, all leaning together for support like drunks when the taps gone dry. The only good thing about the town was the inn which at least provided a real bed for them to sleep in that night.

  Thus, by the morning of the fourth day, Isadora felt exhausted despite having slept well the night before in a real bed. Even if she had to share it with Eleonora.

  As they rode on through the morning, the sun hung warm and golden above the winding forest road, and a soft breeze fluttered through the pink ribbons braided into Lady Sparkles’s mane.

  The birds chirped and the insects buzzed about. Eleonora herself joined in, singing along cheerfully, with a song she had picked up in the inn at To'oma.

  Behind her, the infinitely more composed Isadora rode Speed who trudged along with the grim dignity of a creature that believed joy was a personal insult. “It’s soooo boring,” Eleonora whined after an hour of riding in silence.

  “Like… where are all the like monsters? Isn’t the countryside supposed to be crawling with like scary stuff?”

  Isadora glanced at her.

  “Perhaps that is fortunate, my lady. Fewer opportunities for danger.”

  “But like… how am I supposed to be a hero, if nothing tries to, like, eat me?” Eleonora whined back.

  “My lady, I do not believe successful heroes rely on being eaten.”

  Eleonora opened her mouth, paused, thought about that, frowned deeply for a moment, and finally nodded.

  “…Okay but like… maybe a little danger would be fun.” That goblin the other day was like totally more annoying than dangerous.

  Isadora sighed loudly.

  The truth was, had Eleonora traveled this same road during the days of the pre imperial kingdoms, something would almost certainly have tried to eat her by now. Back then, the wilderness pressed in from all sides, and the roads were little more than muddy tracks where monsters hunted as freely as men traveled.

  But constant legion patrols, fortified watchtowers at strategic points, and the Empire's relentless push for proper stone roads had transformed the imperial heartland.

  In fact, one of the Empire’s most profitable revenue streams came from the tolls it levied on merchants who used these paved roads, which the merchants gladly paid.

  The memory of the old days, when caravans vanished into forest shadows and trade routes were little more than graveyards with the occasional mile marker, remained painfully vivid even after 175 years of Imperial peace.

  Now that wasn’t to say the roads were entirely free of danger.

  As in order to preserve the lucrative industries built around monster hunting; not to mention the adventurers guilds own immense political power; the legions only cleared monsters within a mile of the major roads. Near cities or larger towns the cleared range extended to two miles, but no farther.

  Beyond that, the wilderness was still wild. Small villages were left to hire adventurers or maintain local militias to keep the monster populations in check, lest something with too many teeth wander close enough to cause trouble.

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  Even so, the difference was dramatic. A caravan could now travel across thousands of miles with only a dozen guards, whereas in the past going more than a hundred miles was often a death sentence unless one hired a small army.

  Ironically, the greatest danger now came not from beasts with claws and fangs, but from men. Bandits had become a plague upon the land. The lean, desperate opportunists had discovered that the safer roads and lightly defended merchant trains made excellent targets. They often came from the increasing mass of urban poor whose rank had swelled with the Empire's peace allowing cities and towns to grow.

  Around midday, as they rounded a bend in the road, they came face-to-face with a very distinct, very foul-smelling obstacle. A group of about a little over a dozen bandits lounged across the road. Some were leaning against trees near the road, while others were standing around in what they believed was an intimidating formation. It wasn’t. Mostly because they all looked like they hadn’t bathed since the coming of the first empress.

  The leader was a squat man just tall enough to not be mistaken for a dwarf. His balding hair and a beard were so patchy it looked like he had a severe case of mange. The leader had a big huge grin which showed off his yellow rotting teeth as he turned towards them.

  Eleonora gasped, delighted. Finally! Adventure!

  But then her face scrunched up.

  “Ewwwww… Isadora… do you smell that? It’s like… like when Lady Sparkles accidentally ate that yucky hay that one time and had tummy troubles.”

  Isadora smiled conversationally. “I suspect it is them, my lady.”

  Eleonora's eyes went wide with pure horror.

  “They smell like that? But like… they’re not even horses!”

  “I am aware, my lady.” Isadora said, trying her best to not gag herself.

  Lady Sparkles snorted and stepped back, as if she was offended by the comparison.

  “That’s right, girl,” Eleonora whispered, patting her mane. “You would never smell like that. You’re a lady.”

  Then, with righteous knightly duty kicking in, she dismounted with a clank and a hop. She almost tripped on her own feet, but caught herself before she face planted.

  Isadora remained mounted, hands folded patiently around Speed’s saddle horn, as she tried to keep her expression serene.

  She would let her charge take the lead, unless Eleonora caught on fire again. But hopefully that wouldn’t happen twice in one week, it wasn't like there was a campfire nearby, Isadora mused.

  Eleonora stepped forward, sword still sheathed, bright smile shining like the sun through fog.

  “Um, hi!” she called out, waving with her left arm. “Sorry to bother you but like… you’re totally blocking the road? Could you maybe… move a teensy bit?” she said, her voice cracking a bit with nervousness.

  Several bandits blinked at her. One coughed like he was trying to suppress a laugh. The leader’s jaw dropped open before turning into another big stupid grin. Then he snorted and burst out laughing.

  “You gotta be jestin’, lass!” He said as he wiped tears from the corner of his eye. He then took in Eleonora’s appearance from head to toe with her sunshine-blonde hair braided beneath her helmet, her fanciful engraved armor, the pink ribbons on her mare, and her earnest blue eyes peeking through her helm.

  “You’re the funniest thing I’ve seen all month! Lookit you! You think you’re a knight, eh?”

  Elina gasped softly.

  “I am a knight! I got knighted like a week ago.” she said indignant at the rapscallions remark.

  The bandit leader cracked his neck and stepped forward. “Tell ya what, sunshine. You wanna pass? Pay the toll. Nice and simple. Five gold should do.”

  Elina blinked. Her lips pursed. Then she turned around and tilted her head, not unlike a confused puppy.

  “Umm… Isadora? Isn’t this still Papa’s duchy? I don’t remember any tolls being… levied ? Is that the right word?”

  “Yes, my lady.” Isadora smiled very slightly. “There are no tolls on individual travelers. These men are bandits, my lady.”

  Eleonora’s eyes lit up with sparkling joy.

  “Bandits? Really? Like real bandits?”

  Her voice rose two octaves. “EEEEEEK—”

  Isadora shot her a warning look.

  Eleonora froze mid-squeal, coughed, then tried to sound serious, authoritative, and knightly. Unfortunately, she sounded more like a girl trying to imitate her stern maid.

  She cleared her throat, puffed out her chest.

  Her armor’s unicorn engravings gleaming fiercely in the light dappling through the trees. Eleonora then drew her sword with what she hoped was dramatic flair, though it was more of a fwip! shink! oops clink.

  “In the name of the Empire…” she began, stumbling only a little over the words she had rehearsed in the mirror, a few thousand times,

  “…surrend...render, surrender or die, stinky bandits!”

  The bandits stared for a brief second before they all began laughing all save for one.

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