2.
"For a fucking washing machine." Blank stares into the distance are a common component of office life. For Kevin Park, manager of account relations, it was a continual ritual. More so now than it had been in days past.
"A stupid damned washing machine." Normally his blank stare was reserved for baseless empty thoughts, but for the past week things had been drastically different.
Kevin was a run of the mill American of Korean ancestry. The wars of the mid-20th century forced his family from the uncertain homeland into the American pipedream. They came with bright eyes, but they were blinded and rather than making it to New York, the family settled in Kentucky. Something about Kevin's father being born was what he was told. It didn't matter then. It sure didn't matter now.
Kevin had been happy to settle down and enjoy all that life has to offer. He got the attractive white wife, two kids, rented a nice luxury townhome (he expected home prices to drop soon). All was cookie-cutter and slowly progressing and then came the wonderful days of COVID. Kevin was just an account rep back then, mild mannered, had a stammer around the office from years of being made to feel less than in the corporate world. Then ZOOM meetings. Before Kevin knew it, three of his peers and four of his managers were caught on ZOOM with their private areas exposed. Kevin at that times was nowhere on the radar to get a promotion, let alone jump all the way from a low level rep all the way up to management, but Kevin was smart enough to wear pants when on ZOOM calls, and in the world post-COVID, that made him the perfect manager.
It had been two years last week since his big promotion, a promotion which was initially given to him with only a change in title and not compensation. However, last week on May 31st 2022, it was the end of Kevin's "trial 2 years' time" as a classified junior manager and they were now going to bump his pay to match his title. Starting in June his pay would go from 42,000 a year before taxes to 55,000 a year before taxes. It was a very solid pay raise, and with two kids at home, one that Kevin was very much looking forward to receiving, especially as the prices of everything seemed to be rising due to hyperinflation. But Kevin put that out of his mind as the news came via an email from HR and payroll letting Kevin know that he would in fact be getting the jump in income.
That day, that afternoon, that night nothing could touch him as though he were covered in Teflon. Client called in and demanded the supervisor, and then cussed out Kevin. No worries! Kevin held a large smile. Vanessa got her skirt caught in the elevator door again, and forced the maintenance crew to shut down the elevator, forcing all traffic to the stairs for the day. Not an issue, Kevin liked getting extra steps anyway. Bill Carr played a prank on him by pretending to trip and spill his coffee on Kevin, only to realize the lid on his coffee cup wasn't secured and he actually doused Kevin in lukewarm black coffee….Well that kind of annoyed him, but Kevin was in a forgiving mood, so he didn't report it to Ryan in HR. "I saw him earlier with Vanessa in the lobby. I'm sure after that fiasco happening again he has enough to fill out today without me crying over split milk." Kevin said as he then sniffed himself and realized something important…the creamer was expired.
May 31st in the office flew by. Dreams floated inside Kevin's skull as he imagined the ability to save, invest, plan for maybe a slightly newer car, or even get caught up on readying for a down payment on a house, even though he was still convinced that prices were going to reverse from their recent trend of ballooning higher and higher in the last four years. He was ready for this long awaited change. He couldn't wait to share the news with his wife. Back when he got the promotion he shared the news instantly and they rejoiced with her asking what his new salary would be for the role. He…foolishly told the truth, that he didn't know. She then began talking of quitting her job, even though the kids were on her insurance policy. Daily questions flew toward Kevin both in person and in every text conversation wondering what his raise would be. Kevin tried to be confident and told her he was sure it was coming on the next paycheck. Then the first payday arrived and he had to face the music; it was a title change only. Kevin was lachrymose. Rachel was furious. However, Kevin weathered the storm and took it as an opportunity to learn and grow. From now on he knew to not discuss changes in his job at work, especially in relation to money, until it was finalized. And on that day, last week, May 31st 2022, it was finalized. He had the email to prove it.
He almost took the email and forwarded a copy to his wife, thinking it would be a grand surprise. Yet, that was too mundane, and wouldn't capture the spirit of the moment and the excitement for Kevin and the entire Park family. Romance. He could lean into romance. Yes! He knew the playbook from the television shows and the movies. He'd print off a copy of the letter, get a bouquet of flowers from the local Walmart, and the race home to show his wife and then call over one of the neighbor's kids to babysit as he took his darling partner out to celebrate. Hercules stood in his office in place of the mild mannered Kevin, hands on his hips feet apart. He felt a surge of male pride in his body. He felt another surge below the belt. "I better clean myself up at some point before I go home…just in case." He thought. Yes, He would never forget May 31st 2022.
Kevin took his portable razor, a reserve one he kept in his desk in case he forgot to shave or needed a clean-up before an afternoon, and marched down the hall toward the men's restroom of the floor.
"Hey Kevin." Bill called out, charging forward with a look of mild discomfort on his face. Kevin wanted to ignore him. He hustled his pace slightly quicker hoping to avoid any eye contact or further conversation. Normally Kevin could care less if someone wanted to talk and he was going to the restroom, it just meant that Kevin was important, and he liked feeling important. But somehow the difference between trimming the hedges and taking a leak changed the whole comfort level of having another person around for the mild mannered manager. Maybe it was because it was something generally not done at the office? Maybe it was because he didn't have shaving cream and only had a dull single blade disposable razor? Kevin just knew that he did not want company. So he tucked the razor into his pocket and extended his stride further.
Bill didn't take the hint. Bill wasn't the kind of guy who picked up on subtle things. Kevin pushed on the swinging door leading into the floor male bathroom, a large area with four sinks, four urinals and three stalls….there would have been a fourth stall but the third one was an extended handicap stall. Kevin tugged on the first stall door. Locked. "Occupied bro!" a voice was heard from the other side of the door. Two options were left. Kevin chose the Handicap stall. He didn't want to risk touching shoes with another man while tending to his delicate task. He closed the door and situated himself. He imaged tonight, the smile on Rachel's face and the potential memories the evening would create. This was pure happiness.
"Kevin, bro bro, why'd you leave me hanging out there. I need to talk to you about earlier." And now the happy moment had passed.
"Wrong stall dude!" The man in the first stall spoke with annoyance at having to divert focus for the second time in the last minute. Bill slapped the door and apologized before leaning down and seeing shoes in the big stall.
"There you are, Kevin!" He hollered and leaned back up and tapped on the right stall door.
"Bill…I'm kind of busy right now, what do you want?" Kevin huffed and withdrew his razor from activity. Something about having a conversation with a man while tending to the shrubbery just seemed wrong to him.
"Kev-o, boss-man, dude I feel kind of bad for earlier. I mean you totally ate that whole cup of coffee." Kevin nodded. He didn't offer a reply. It wasn't that he had forgotten the coffee incident, his shirt certainly didn't, but the news of the day and the plans for the night were far too jovial a nature for him to waste energy with Bill. "Anyway…look I wasn't gonna bring this up, but you remember when you panicked after the coffee got all over you?"
"You mean the coffee that you slung all over me? Yeah I remember. Get to the point! I am busy here." Kevin huffed. He decided to hell with Bill and privacy, and proceeded to his tender task, nothing was going to ruin his day.
"Technically I didn't— You know what…it's not important." Hair went from unkempt to tame under the surgical precision of Kevin Park. His father always wanted him to be a doctor. Outside the stall Bill remained, rubbing his neck and tensing his jaw. "So….how do I put this…."
Perfect line, now for the…
"You kind of ruined Margo's Michael Kors bag and will need to pay her $400."
SLICEEE
Eyes rolled back. Mouth hung open, vocals delayed.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
A few seconds roll by quick after the initial scream as Kevin began hoping about with his hands grabbing the cut. The shock of the request to pay for a purse took him by surprise just long enough for the razor to slip and glide a little too firmly. Kevin didn't care about the purse, especially because Bill should be the one paying for it. Kevin just wanted to have a moment to himself and now he had was hobbling about with pain. "Don’t look down. Don't you dare look down," He thought.
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"Ooooohh bro bro, that looks really rough!"
"Bill! WHAT THE HELL! WHY ARE YOU ON THE FLOOR?"
"Dude, Kev, I heard a scream, like in a movie….like a girl scream. I had to check on my boss. I mean I got your back." Milky red blood slid down one of Kevin's hands and plopped down on the bathroom tile.
"Just….Just…uhhhhh. RGGHH! Stop being on the GROUND!"
Bill adjusted his hands holding his body off the cool and sticky tile floor. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yes!" Kevin then reached over to the toilet paper roller. Empty. He hung his head. He could feel Bill, still on the ground glaring at him, he could hear another drop of blood splatter on the tile. "…I could use some toilet paper." Bill smiled and nodded his head then pointed at his boss and gave him a finger gun salute.
"I got your back bro." Bill slapped the floor and got up quickly. "First stall!" He called out. "Got some paper?" Bill slid his hand under the door of the first stall. Paper quickly filled the hand. Bill smiled as he tossed Kevin the paper. He felt like a savior. He felt like he really did a good deed today. Bill leaned back his shoulders and trotted toward the door. He then snapped his fingers while Bill was dabbing his cutline and trying to get past this small hiccup in his best day ever. "Hey Bossman, I'm gonna tell Margo that you agreed to take care of that purse bill."
"Whatever." Kevin didn't actually hear what Bill said. Looking over his private area, he winced and shook his head a few times as he zipped up his pants with the paper still acting as a bandage for his little mishap. He didn't need to score tonight for it to be the best day ever. He just needed to get home, tell his wife and then sweep her off her feet, like he did back in college. The fiery images of romantic passion and masculine strength gave him joy as he left the restroom, his shirt stained from the coffee, and the crotch of his beige slacks gaining a red stain. His head was high as he marched toward the door, ready to excuse himself two hours early to surprise his wife.
Getting back to the townhome was far easier when all he had to fight was the local school traffic, and that was super easy to navigate. Dodge this lane, wave kindly, don't read Facebook posts while driving. Kevin felt like a king. He even drove 4 mph faster than normal, meaning he was finally going the speed limit in his modest little Hyundai Elantra. "She is gonna be so speechless." He found time to sync up the perfect song as he reached a street he knew was four minutes away from the little townhome village.
"YOU…. ALL NIGHT…. YOU'RE MY STARLIGHT!
"MY SUGAR BOO!"
"I'M LEVITATING!"
Kevin didn't really know the lyrics to this song, but he heard it once recently and just fell in love with the beat…..or maybe it was Dua Lipa herself? I mean she is a rather attractive lass isn't she? Regardless of the physical prowess of the singer and her ability to call forth the primal urges of the common male listener, Kevin's mood was in true symbiosis with this song. Levitating. That's what he was as he swiveled in his seat, mumbling the words. Car dancing like there wasn't another soul on the road. He turned the volume up. He rolled the windows down on his Hyundai Elantra. This was his moment and he was owning it.
Even as he pulled up to his unit, near the middle of the little village of townhomes, he continued to glide inches over the ground. Even though Kevin was merely 5'8 in this moment he was 6'5.
Key entered the lock. Lock was not secured. Kevin shakes his head, still bobbing to the recent memory of the song. He was still levitating. "My Starlight, must have forgotten." He removed the key, still dancing about, gyrating as though he were a caffeine high college kid back at an impromptu rave, and Kevin was six red bulls deep.
"HONEY, I'm Home!" He called. He yelled, but then tapered his voice at the end, remembering he was in the neighborhood and didn't want to anger the elderly couple on the other side of the wall. He wasn't concerned about the kids as their school bus wouldn't arrive for about another 30 minutes to an hour.
No response came from the house. "Maybe she is taking a quick nap or shower?" He wandered up the stairs that led to the master bedroom.
Sounds exited. Kevin figured it was the TV. Rachel loved her erotic television. Kevin opened the door with a smile ten miles wide……
The smile vanished. His keys hit the floor. He was no longer levitating.
"Kev, I'm glad you came here, I mean it has been tearing me apart keeping this from you." Rachel spoke as she wrapped herself in a robe. Movements like these proclaimed the subconscious mind of Kevin and Rachel both that her body was no longer his temple to worship at. "I mean Henry and I have been wondering for months when we should come clean about this and move on with our life together."
Kevin didn't have a reply available. Kevin found himself seated on the edge of the bed, his marital bed, a place previously sacred to him, a place of refuge after the exhaustion and frustration born under the fluorescent lights of the office at Fuchsia Frontiers International. So there he sat. Daggers in his chest… It felt like daggers but really it was as though a great sword had cleaved him in two. Speaking of great sword….
"I am really happy to finally meet you Kevin. I hear you're a good dude." A hand is extended toward the seated Kevin, but the hand isn't the object that extended from the man closest toward him. The man, unconcerned about remaining bare as Adam at creation, kept his hand in position, seeking to make a good first impression. Kevin's eyes remained forward. He dared not alter his vision to the left to look further upon this usurper of his throne. That and he feared the sword that he believed was less than two feet from his face. Perhaps if he didn't make eye contact and refrained from moving he would be safe from the reach of this monster on his shoulder. "Rachel said you work for FFI. That's really cool." Kevin remained motionless, staring at the wall. Coffee stains on his shirt, blood stain on his pants. May 31st 2022….He'd never forget this day.
"You don't understand, Kevin. This is about more than just good sexual energy with Henry." The conversation in the bedroom had continued into the living room. Rachel got the neighbor's to watch the kids when they got home while the four of them, Rachel, Kevin, Henry, and Henry's great sword, continued their conversation. Kevin revived a slight amount as he sipped on a glass of milk. He looked over at Henry.
"Can you PLEASE put some pants on?"
"Oh yeah my bad, I just felt like it was important to make sure you were okay and taken care of. I mean we were planning on having this conversation next month when your lease expired on this place."
"How thoughtful."
"Thanks Kevin. We really want to do this right." Was that before or after he started sleeping with his wife? Kevin didn't know. Kevin didn't care. The pay raise didn't matter anymore. When he entered he felt 6'5….now there was a man 6'5 in his living room, arm around his wife, and the two of them were discussing everything Kevin dreamed of for the next two years. Housing, the kids' future, even household appliances.
"Why are you doing this Rachel? We have two kids together. Think about the children."
"I am Kevin. I actually am." She took one of Henry's massive hands and enveloped them with both of hers, and then placed it on her lap. "Henry is not just some good fling, Kevin. He's Bona-fide, he's got prospects. He's going places."
"I'm going places!" He wanted to speak about the raise, but all he could think about was how he measured up in comparison to this Henry.
"Kevin….you're a middle manager for some mega conglomerate that will probably replace you within the next four years, outsourcing your job to India or some robot."
"You mean the things that put six fingers on humans?" Kevin retorted. Insulted to think that a computer could do his job, whatever it was he did as a manager…sometimes even he didn't know what he did.
"Kevin, be fair, they're getting better each day."
"Yah Kevin, last week I asked it to make a picture of a dachshund with a sombrero on his little head and it gave me this." Henry pulled out his phone and pulled up the picture far too quickly, then showed it to Kevin on the other side of the living room.
"Henry….that's a gerbil in a yamaka."
"I know. It's amazing what our technology can do." Henry smiled and placed an arm around Kevin's shoulder marveling at the little image on his phone.
Kevin looked up at Rachel. Their eyes met. It was as if he was saying with his stare, "This Guy. You are leaving me for this guy after all we have built together." Rachel tilted her head, sensing Kevin's lack of enthusiasm for her emancipation from the mundane and the secret burden she had placed upon herself in the recent 10 months.
"Kevin, you know I love you and care for you….But really. I mean look around, we're struggling. We've been struggling for so long. And Henry is here and ready to lift me and our kids to a better life."
"How?" Kevin lifted his hands and took a step toward his wife, smacking away the arm from on his shoulder in the process. Henry stood unconcerned. Kevin in no way threatened him. It was like a Pug acting aggressive toward a Tibetan Mastiff. "How can this man provide for you and the kids when I can't?"
"Kevin he has an actual yard, with actual grass."
"I can find a way to get us a place with grass."
"Kevin…be reasonable."
"Rachel, you're my wife."
"Only until the divorce finalizes."
"What divorce?" Rachel pulled from her work bag in the living room a large folder, and handed a series of documents to the bewildered and blindsided husband. Kevin sat back down on the couch nearest him. He leaned back and closed his eyes as the reality of his world shattering came clear into focus. His future…gone. His world he had been constructing for nearly fifteen years, gone. Burned to cinders and ash…..by a man named Henry and his great sword.
"Is really about….that?" Kevin motioned towards Henry's beltline.
"No Kevin…" Rachel paused for a moment, slightly sympathizing with Kevin's moment of cognitive expansion. "He has so many things we don't have and is ready to provide for me and our kids."
"Name one thing." Kevin raised his name with his index finger skyward. He didn't rock forward to view his wife, but just wanted more concrete proof that he didn't measure up to this mountain beside him. Maybe then he'd feel better?
"He has a washing machine."
"For clothes?"
"Yes, Kevin…for clothes."
"A washing machine….a fucking washing machine."
"Yeah Kevin, I have a washing machine. Heck I could probably take care of that coffee stained shirt and the blood on your crotch for you." Henry slapped Kevin's knee as if they were old pals.
………
There he sat. In his office, like he had for the last week, from the beginning of the work day to the end.
"A fucking washing machine," was the only thought that Kevin could focus on since the encounter. Then he looked up and saw the picture of Rachel in his office….He threw it out the office door, frame and all as though he were Randy Johnson hunting for that bird.
