LYSSANDRA

  When I was asleep, I could feel his touch, the way he was caressing me, pulling me closer to him with his mumbling noises. ''Please stay''He muttered. ''Don't leave me alone''

  I moved my body to his side and caressed his cheek and hair. How close we were. What was the force that was making me go closer to him? I want you, I need you, I belong to you. I love you. What were those words?

  ''I am not going anywhere''I mumbled behind my teeth and kissed the half-asleep god on his cheek. Maybe I did not want to be alone. Maybe I liked how vulnerable he was with his bare eyes trying to look at me.

  When I was born, I was called a mistake. My own father imprisoned me inside his own existence with the rest of my family. I was waiting, praying for someone to save me. But none was coming. I was losing faith, my beliefs, the hope of living.

  For the next centuries that were passing, it felt as if Hermes actually enjoyed my company and he was keeping taking me to his travels.

  We both watched a small group of Spartan soldiers fighting a glorious army of an enemy that was once so far from them. The leader of that group showed rage and bravery to the entire world.

  And yet, Hermes was collecting their souls from the battlefield. His staff moves like a sickle, reaping the souls from the body and showing the road to the afterlife. I could see how many souls were trying to reach his skin, his wings, and clothes with their screams, trying to echo for salvation. And the god did not hide how much he grew tired of his job.

  One of the men seemed to still be alive as he held his leg and squeezed it with his filthy hand.

  ‘’Help’’He was muffled with all the blood.

  A dream snatched in my mind with a woman gushing with blood dripping from her chest.

  Oracle. She was gasping before she was fading. Who was that woman?

  Returning to normal, the man kept spitting and pleading for help. He had three wounds, one to his throat, another to his chest, and the next right to his stomach. It was a miracle that he had even survived. I knelt down and pulled out a dagger. What’s the point of living in suffering? I envied him. I envied that he could now move one with all his memories. That he could be free.

  After Hermes was finally done, I tried to get past the crimson blood and the birds that were feasting after the battle and took a better look at him.

  ‘’I need a drink’’He grunted and tried to fly away, and he would manage it until I grabbed his hand tight. Maybe I would need a drink too. Because this place was trying to force out dreams that I once had. Or were they memories?

  Who am I?

  And suddenly, a light appeared from the dark, painful room where I was trapped. And in front of me, there was my salvation. Bright like the sky. As he was reaching for my hand, I wanted to jump into his arms. I want to follow him. To worship him to be his and his only.

  Why was I reading the scrolls that he was giving to me? What was I trying to find? Was it a reason to escape? I could not remember. I hated that I couldn’t remember. I hated that dreams of a person that I once was were haunting me.

  And I hated that I was glad when Hermes appeared inside my room with his eyes, open for everyone to see. And 'everyone' was me. He was petting Pup and offering me either scrolls or wine with a smile and news for the place we would travel soon.

  ‘’Why are you still reading ?’’ Hermes said, all drunk.

  ‘’It’s interesting’’I lied. I didn’t even know what I was searching for in a story about the beginning of the world. I didn’t even realize that it was in another language, and yet, I still could read it perfectly.

  Sooner or later, we both began to be closer. He was kind and gentle. Gave me time to heal. His eyes were searching for every escape, and I was trying to keep those moments close to my memory. I wanted to hold my salvation closer. I wanted to be closer to him.

  There was a king from a northern kingdom with the courage and cunning of a thousand men. He had a dream to conquer the entire world. And he almost did it. With a trail of broken men and corpses, horses being eaten, he almost succeeded in becoming even a god in people’s eyes.

  But then, on his rough journey, his people began to bury him.

  ‘’What did you do?’’ Hermes asked me as we were both disguised as members of his journey. I was a medic, trying to take care of his shoulders, who were complaining, asking for help, begging for that journey to end. And I could easily slip poison inside his great majesty’s food.

  ‘’I did not like him.’’

  ‘’You didn’t like one of the greatest victors?’’ He spatted.

  ‘’Well, you didn’t like Aspasia’’We both started walking far from the burial.

  ‘’She had a nice body, but I think you are giving her too much credit. I believe that her husband knew that she was trying to trick him.’’

  I raised one brow. ‘’You are quite confident of these words.’’

  ‘’He was a politician and she a common-’’

  ‘’And he’’I made a long pause and turned back to the man who was once considered a god. But now, he was nothing more than a corpse, about to get burried. ‘’Was a legend for many people to follow. ‘’I couldn’t stop hiding my smile. ‘’And he died from a bug’’ My hands showed now the small jar that I was hiding the poison in.

  Hermes grinned and held my hand tight as we were about to leave. ‘’I would hate to be your enemy, dear.’’

  Little did he know that he already was. I just couldn’t find the proper reason for him to be yet.

  ***

  We were both watching now, one of Alexander's soldiers dragging the body far from the entire camp. What was he doing? We tried to take a better look as he could now see us in the dark of the night. Rather, he could see a man with silver skin and wings, and he started kneeling down from his fear.

  ‘’Oh, god, I am so sorry’’He wept, and Hermes raised his chin with pride while I tried to take a look at the corpse he was carrying. Why was he trying to carry it so far? I was watching him for days, trying to make sense of his actions as it could slowly welcome so many insects and diseases. I was about to ask, however, it seemed that the soldier had now passed out from the fear.

  ‘’You had to blow your cover, didn’t you?’’I asked with a smug and Hermes tried to look away.

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  Now, we have two people to bury. It was manageable, the soldier, but based on the scrolls that he had inside his belongings, the body was supposed to be buried at Alexandria.

  ‘’We won’t go.’’ Hermes scoffed, but I kept staring at him till he said yes. He was utterly shocked that I wanted to bury him. But the truth was that I wanted to see one of the libraries that they had over there, hearing that it was something astonishing.

  We finally arrived in Alexandria, and while Hermes was trying to find someplace to bury the body, as he was also disguised as that soldier, I tried to search for the library.

  But there was nothing to be found. I couldn’t even find anyone who knew where it was. Maybe because they were trying to keep it a secret.

  ‘’You know, that I can give you any scrolls your heart desires, right? His brow arched as I was walking back to him.

  I knew that. But there was something hiding behind my mind, telling me that I wouldn’t find anythinginm his scrolls. But what was I searching for again?

  ‘’Oh, what did you do with the horse?’’ I asked, and he showed me his hands, making a flat plate with cooked horse meat to appear.

  My smile curved like a bow to the simple scent of it and began digging in. I couldn’t believe that I was still starving, even though I survived by not eating for decades.

  And one day, we both shared something in a bright meadow. His eyes were so close to mine, his hands embracing my skin. He was mine, and I was his. We both wanted to share. We both wanted the same thing: to belong to a union.

  ‘’I can’t believe it ‘’I grunted and pulled my hair from my sculpture. How could I still lose after all these centuries?

  Hermes was laughing victoriously as the board was referring to him as a king, and he offered me the jar of nectar.

  ‘’Come now, your turn’’

  No. I was furious. I couldn’t lose again and again. I grabbed the jar and then poured the entire nectar on his head, and he was facing me with confused, bare eyes.

  The nectar did not stop pouring,g no matter what, and I could only laugh from that part.

  ‘’It’s not funny’’The wet god pouted, but I could see that he was restraining his smile.

  ‘’It’s a bit funny you look like a lost pupp-’’

  How did he end up above me? The nectar dripped from his chin to my lips as his eyes narrowed down to my face. And his eyes were concuering my entire soul. All of his eyes, facing me, just me.

  ‘’I cannot-’’I could feel my cheeks turning red. I wanted it. I was so tired. I wanted someone to hold me, kiss me, and tell me that everything will be alright. But something inside my chest was telling me to stop.

  ‘’Why?’’Hermes rasped. ‘’You belong to me.’’ His fingers caressed my neck where the golden scar was glowing.

  I did belong to him. I was his. It felt as if my spirit was slowly giving up. My pride, my spite was fading.

  No. I could not do it. I could not belong to him. I refuse.

  ‘’That doesn’t mean a thing’’I tried to explain and pushed him away and stood up, walking close to Pup.

  ‘’Just because I belong to you, that doesn’t mean that I want you.’’

  ‘’How so?’’Hermes turned confused, but his voice was strangely calm.

  ‘’Think of it as if you have a kingdom. Not all your subjects will love you.’’

  ‘’But I am not a king’’

  I pressed my lips into a thin line.

  ‘’Yes, but imagine.’’I moved my hands.

  ‘’But I cannot imagine. I am a god, no king. I can give you whatever you want. ‘’

  He moved closer to me, and he played with my curls so softly.

  ‘’I can do whatever you want’’His lips kissed my ear as he whispered those words that were shaking. I could imagine what else he actually wanted to say to me.

  He could make me do whatever he wanted.

  But he doesn’t do it. Why? Why was it that he was trying so hard not to command me?

  ‘’You say that you will give me whatever I want?’’

  Hermes nodded. ‘’I can give you more jewels, more clothes, and gold. I can give you-’’His fingers were trying to grasp my soul, ripping out of my body with his eyes, calculating every second my expression was shifting.

  ‘’Make me a goddess’’I tried to trick him.

  And his eyes replied with a snap. ‘’My dear,’’

  Oh, it seemed that he couldn't do everything. But being a goddess could actually help me. I could have the power to escape. I could have the power to try to remember everything.

  ‘’What’s the matter?’’ I asked. ‘’Is it because of rules that you cannot break? Or do you prefer to hide me like a shame?’’

  What were those words that I was getting out of my mouth? Who was talking instead of me? Was it a ghost? A god? Or a version of me that was trying to wake up?

  ‘’Shame?’’ Hermes scoffed and touched my shoulders. ‘’My dear, you know how much-’’

  And then, words got out like a heartbroken sound.

  ‘’Shame that you betrayed your brother for someone that doesn’t do your bidding-’’

  My ears began to ring as my eyes darted, trying to lose sight. Blood was dripping from my nose as I touched my turned red cheek with Hermes glaring at me, furious.

  ‘’If I am a king and you are my subject’’He cleared his throat. ‘’Then, you have forgotten your place.’’

  There he was again. Showing his true colors. So, I tried to approach him and tried to stop feeling the itching pain on my skin.

  He wanted more things. I wasn’t enough for him. And he showed it in so many ways. But I couldn’t escape from it. I did not have the option of it. Because I was trapped inside a birdcage, made from carats. I tried to get angry to make him see his action, but nothing happened. Nothing changed, nothing shifted.

  ‘’And what is it?’’I asked, and my eye fell right to the necklace that he had, and his hand lifted my chin up, making me look at him.

  What is my place? What is my part of his life?

  Hermes smiled, faded, and looked down on my collarbone. Then, his head moved close to mine.

  ‘’What do you need from me, Lyssandra?’’

  My body melted in his touch. I couldn’t control my body, my eyes were drowning from the warmth with my lips sitting out.

  ‘’I need a friend,’’ I spoke up, and his eyes snapped. But he remained calm and moved closer.

  ‘’Is that all I can be to you?’’ He placed his hand on my waist.

  He is so beautiful. So kind. I want to be with him forever. I belong to him. That was my fate all along.

  What was that? Why was I leaning so close to kiss him? Was it a trick of his? No, I knew that he was cruel, but he wouldn’t dare do something like that. Not again.

  I pushed myself back before my lips met his.

  ‘’Leave.’’ I commanded him.

  ‘’You cannot command.’’ Hermes chuckled and tried to move my hand close to his chest.

  But as I was staring at him, his body relaxed while he found a new piece of cloth for hit eyes to hide.

  ‘’I am sorry that I hurt you Lyssandra’’

  My expressions widened in shock. He apologised, and I moved my fingers into my burning cheek.

  ‘’However, I want you to be happy with me. And nothing will change that.’’

  I gave up on trying to get out and accepted my place. But you are not me. You might be different.

  I gasped for air as I woke up from shock when I heard those words inside my slumber. A beam of sweat dripped down my forehead and caressed my arms. Who was that woman who was trying to speak to me? Pup jumped at the top of my bed and showed me the poison that I was still hiding.

  I am different.