“How to Descend Into Ancient Magical Foundations Without Losing Your Witch, Your Mind, or Your Dignity”** by Dixie Bell, Familiar, Cat, Resident Genius
- Bring Snacks
Humans forget to eat when stressed. Witches forget because the air tastes like old magic. Nolan forgets because he’s busy Being Tall and Protective?.
I do not forget.
If someone had offered Trixie a granola bar earlier, she might not have tried to pass out on the stairs. Bring snacks.
Preferably meat.
For all of us.
- Don’t Trust Stairs
The Academy stairs are liars.
They tilt. They shift. They occasionally vanish if you step on the wrong syllable.
If your witch insists on walking in front, trip her gently. It’s for her own good.
Nolan already handles this instinctively, so use him as a shield.
- Assume Every Door Has Feelings and Those Feelings Are Bad
Humans: “Oh look, a door.” Witches: “Oh look, a sigil opportunity.” The Hollow King: “Oh look, a weakness.”
Me: “It hates us. Move.”
If a door breathes, leave. If it whispers, leave. If it wiggles, sprint.
If it opens inward and inward again?
You’re in the wrong dimension.
I cannot save you there.
- Cadence Isn’t Just a Spell — It’s a Threat Display
Humans think cadence is gentle. Witches think it’s precise. This is because neither are cats.
Cadence is how you say:
“Get away from my witch or I will scream at frequencies the universe forgot.”
The trick is to sound ugly. Beautiful cadences get stolen. Ugly ones get respected.
See our three?beat rhythm. It’s hideous. I adore it.
- If the Hollow King Calls Your Name, Don’t Answer
This should be obvious.
The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.
Do. Not. Answer.
Not emotionally, not verbally, not telepathically, not rhythmically.
If you feel compelled to respond, bite your witch until she snaps out of it.
If it’s Nolan responding, bite him harder. He can take it.
- Keep Nolan Between You and Anything Ancient But Not Between You and Your Witch
Look. He means well. He’s brave. He’s useful. He is also terrible at magic.
He takes hits meant for Trixie. He absorbs void-pressure like a sponge full of bad decisions. He attracts sigils now. (I am not kidding.)
So:
- Let him tank physical danger.
- Do NOT let him interact with eldritch architecture.
- Do NOT let him poke anything glowing.
- And never let him say “I’ve got this.” He does not.
But he loves her.
Which means he’s mostly safe to keep.
- Harrow Is a Good Grown?Up
I do not often approve of adults.
But I approve of Harrow.
She does not panic. She does not pretend to understand things she doesn’t. She does not underestimate Trixie. She is one wrong sentence away from turning Grimm into a candelabra.
Acceptable.
- Vance Needs a Nap
I like her. She smells like ink and exhaustion and competence.
Someone please give the woman a pillow before she tries to solve void metaphysics with a pencil nub and a migraine.
- Grimm Should Be Avoided, Mocked, or Clawed
In that order.
- If the Academy Hums in Your Witch’s Voice — Run
If the building likes her? Good. If it obeys her? Great. If it hums back at her cadence?
Bad.
That means the walls have opinions.
And buildings with opinions usually want to kill or adopt someone. Neither is ideal.
- When the Hollow King Calls You a “Key,” Bite Something
Preferably the nearest piece of dangerous magic.
If unavailable, bite Nolan.
He always deserves it for something.
- Foundational Descent Rule
NEVER. BE. THE FIRST. TO STEP. INTO DARKNESS.
Send an enforcer. Send a Keeper. Send Grimm. Send literally anyone but your witch.
(Preferably Grimm.)
- If All Else Fails, Use the Nuclear Option
What’s the nuclear option?
Me.
I become a ball of claws, rage, and Bell?line magic. I scream. I bite. I do acrobatics that break physics. I make the void uncomfortable. I save my witch. I save Nolan (begrudgingly).
Then I take a nap.
- Final Lesson
Descending into ancient, forbidden, semi?sentient Academy foundations while hunted by a void god is simple:
Stay close. Stay loud. Stay ugly. Stay alive. Protect your witch. Protect your witch’s human. And if something tries to possess, impress, or undress them—
- WILL.BITE. A. GOD.
Signed, Dixie Bell, Familiar, Queen, Hazard Mitigation Specialist, and the only being here with any sense.